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Iruka
Raven
Joined: Nov 29, 2006
Posts: 121
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 Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 5:35 am Post subject: thinking about asking a girl from work out... need advice |
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I will see her sometime over the next week. I want to tell you guys as much as possible but I hate divulging anything personal on the internet. I did a big favor for this girl after work a few days ago, she doesn't have a car and I drove her a few places she needed to go. Normally she doesn't need one as she lives literally a five minute walk from our work, but something came up...
Anyways it gave us a good long time to talk. We share similar views about the world in general, we have the same religion, and although I have only dated two girls before, for once there isn't a huge age gap (the other two girls were a good deal older then me, this girl is one year younger). She's a single mother, and in my opinion very pretty. Although it occurs to me that she might not want to date a guy thats shorter then her (I think this is a big thing for a lot of girls)... She's really tall, I think she's just under 6 foot.
She seems to have a lot of anxiety, everytime I complimented her she'd turn beat red and try to avoid looking at me. I asked her about that, she says she doesn't take compliments well. I asked her why and she said something about not knowing me all that well.
She made a big deal about how she would find some way to repay me for my help. Thought it might sound cool if I said maybe you could go out with me? I'm thinking about saying that next time I see her, not too cheesy?
Then theres the question of where to go? What is an appropriate place to go out on a date? Are flowers appropriate for first dates? I know that if I ask her and she seriously considers it (instead of just blowing me off) the issue of her son is going to come up (her being a single mother and all). Would it be out of line to suggest us watching a movie together at her place be a "date". I know she doesn't do much except watch movies, take care of her son, and work. It might be a way to go out without seriously inconveniencing her. But maybe thats not romantic? I don't know...
This is what happens every time I seriously think about asking a girl out, too many questions come up. What if we really hit it off, won't she think its weird that I've never even kissed a girl before? What do I wear? I was thinking about investing in some sweater vests to go for that preppy look, but knowing me I'll just end up looking like a catholic school boy. Or I'll just do what I always do, wear blue jeans and water shirt I think looks okay... All of this worrying, and I haven't even asked her out...
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Metal_Man
Deinonychus
Joined: Feb 04, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 327
Location: A higher state of existance
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 11:35 am Post subject: |
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DO NOT under any circumstances date someone that you work with. Men have absolutely no rights in this situation. If something goes wrong all she has to do is cry sexual harassement and you will get fired and there is nothing you will ever be able to do about it. Your paycheck and benefits are far more important than this woman. I know it is tempting but you are just going to have to look elsewhere.
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MrSinister
Sanity Is Madness
Joined: Oct 20, 2006
Posts: 2599
Location: England
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 12:07 pm Post subject: |
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Indeed so. Dating someone you work with is not a wise idea - and there's also the fact that if it all goes to hell, working together will be extremely difficult.
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Why so serious? |
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Izaak
Squeeky Bathtime Companion
Joined: Jun 11, 2007
Posts: 1154
Location: Perth, Western Australia
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 12:33 pm Post subject: |
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Contrary to the first two posters I must say I can't see any reason to NOT date this girl. Firstly, as I have known a single mother... their is nothing more important to a single mother than thier kids. I know they would want companionship, but to a single mom, kid comes first.
Secondly, I woudl suggest not disclosure per se, but at least an indication that you are not entirely emotionally normal. I do not know your entire problems with AS (or Autism) but it is a an issue. Whether we are good at masking or not, the issues are still issues. If it is going to be a sticking poin get it out f the way quick smart. But only after you have decied to pursue that interest. I would suggest finding out first if she is willing to prusue a relationship with you efore you disclose anything however.
Finally. I am way too "autistic" to have ever had a relationship of any kind... so take whatever I have to say with a grain fo salt.
In final tally... if you like the girl is the most important. However, understand that the kid is pretty much her entire life (at least for the next 15 years or so) so be sure that you get along with it/him/her or vice-a-versa before going too far. Singlme mums are an entire other breeed (as far as dating is concerned) than women. So be aware of what you are getting yourslef into. |
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subatai_baadur
Really the Last of the Dodo's
Joined: Jun 10, 2006
Posts: 1351
Location: Tampa, Florida
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:06 pm Post subject: |
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Simplest advice in this situation-Don't even think about it. Say, theoretically, you did. Your options:
1.Everything works out, and you have to deal with catcalls every time you're within 30 feet of each other. Your boss thinks this is unproductive, and one of you is fired.
2.You get together, then she breaks up with you. You're devastated, she's a bit upset, and it's awkward as hell every time you meet in the coffee room.
3.You get together, and you break up with her. Have fun with the sexual harassment suit, and good luck looking for work.
4.She says no, and there is still some awkwardness, or she sues you for sexual harassment, and the choice isn't yours.
Which one of these options are you looking at optimistically? The first one has a slim chance of happening, and would lead to firings, and that would probably be the best thing that could happen here. Don't try.
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On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. |
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Jainaday
in uncertain taste
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 1348
Location: in the They
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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Sexual harassment laws do present risks, as does the possibility of messing up a currently workable office atmosphere. That said, some risks are worth taking, and there are ways to minimize them.
What I wouldn't do is ask for the date "in return" for the favor you did her.
Some thoughts;
1. You want to avoid anything that makes her feel she has a sense of obligation to you- that's just not a good way to start a relationship. Avoiding this dynamic makes it far less likely to feel like harassment to her- and that's how the law defines harassment- as well. So, make it clear that you were happy to drive her around, regardless of repayment- or with some pittance to cover fuel costs, if you must. Let it be a gift of friendship. Asking for a date "in repayment" for a favor might work well enough in some normal social situations (though I personally find it distasteful) but it seems like a bad idea for someone from work.
2. Let her know that you like her, respect her(this one is very important), and are romantically interested in her. . . but be clear that if nothing romantic ever happens, you will continue to like her, respect her, consider her attractive, and respect her space. This is important to maintain throughout; if things don't work out they become even more important. She will be more likely to bite if she thinks you are the kind of person who will be able to continue to treat her with kindness, respect, and appropriate distance in the workplace if things don't go anywhere. If she's embarrassed about compliments and feels them overly familiar now, giving her enough space might be an issue. Ways to give her space may include;
- physical standing distance and touch
- privacy of interactions (the ideal place/way to ask her out; not requiring an answer right away, done in a public place, but with no people she knows around so as to avoid any kind of social pressure)
- stating that you understand if she's not interested in someone from work
- perhaps even acknowleging to her that your complements have been overly familiar(because they seem to have felt that way to her) and apologizing for it- while maintaining that the compliments themselves could never be taken back as they were correct. You may want to mention, in connection with this last, that(and perhaps how) you are not neurotypical and that as such you have a preferance for directness and honesty; tell her you're sorry if this ever feels invasive, and let her know that if there's anything she ever wants you to change in your demeanor towards her you'd rather just hear it straight up, because you want her to be able to be comfortable. Be clear that this applies both at work and in any other circumstances.
3. If you do decide to ask her out, try to find out what her kids are into; perhaps instead of coming over to watch a movie, you might want to bring one for the kids to watch while you and she cook something interesting in the other room, giving you a chance to talk. . . this is just one option that shows you understand that her kid/s are always going to be a part of things, on one level or another.
The fact of you paying for &/or bringing all the food and entertainment is part of what defines this as a date; the other part is calling it that. If you want it to be a date and you want it to be split cost. . . well, that's a whole other discussion. I wouldn't. For the sake of giving her enough space, you might want to do something not at her house; possibly put together a nice picnic at a nearby park or something (potentially with a playground for the kid/s to go play on. . )
Key factors for whatever you plan are:
-takes her little one/s into account
-gives her enough space
-shows that you are interested in HER, wishing only for the pleasure her unstressed, happy, and relaxed company, without pressure for repayment of any kind.
I think you should go for it. Good luck! |
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Iruka
Raven
Joined: Nov 29, 2006
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the advice Izaak.
I'm not really concerned about this causing working issues. The only reason I have this job is to test the industries waters so I can make an informed decision on if I'm going to college for this. Regardless I'm leaving in a few months. Besides, I wouldn't date a girl that I thought was going to be vengeful or spiteful if things didn't work out. A large part of my interest in her is an indescribable quality, that for some reason makes me feel safe around her. If things didn't work out I really don't think she would have hurt feelings.
I have decided to ask her out. The question is where things go from there. She has a lot of rare qualities that interest me. She's a single mother so right off the bat I know she's stable, she's able to hold down a job to take care of her son, from talking with her I know that we have most of the same beliefs and some of the same interests... She's too rare of a girl to let pass me by (assuming she's interested in me). I don't date a lot because most girls in my area pander to the stereotype of what a "California girl" should be.
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Darth Rove: I find your lack of Clothes Sexy. |
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Jainaday
in uncertain taste
Joined: Jul 09, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 1348
Location: in the They
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh, and one other thing; if you do end up in any sort of relationship, discuss how open you'll be about it at work. On the one hand, the boss really doesn't have to know, and neither does anyone else there. This is probably best. Just be sure that she knows (which doesn't mean she says she knows; watch body language, and possibly reassure her several times) your desire to avoid public knowledge is not about not wanting to own up to her- it can be hard for a girl when a guy seems ashamed of her. Probably she'll understanding that keeping it discreet will just make everything in the larger social situation a lot more simple. If you keep it private at work, be sure to introduce her to your friends and family, though. . . just so she knows you want to be seen with her in that kind of public. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22397
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:28 pm Post subject: |
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I would never dream of dating a co-worker.
Tim
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Iruka
Raven
Joined: Nov 29, 2006
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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Were not exactly co-workers really... We work at the same place we don't work together. There are three shifts, the morning shift, the afternoon shift, and the midnight shift. Theres rescheduling going on but... We probably won't be working together. Even then due to the nature of our work we wouldn't often see each other during work even if we were working on the same shift. There are several married couples that work at this place (whether they came there as a married couple or not is unknown). I'm not really worried about it becoming a sexual harassment issue.
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Gromit
Phoenix
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Joined: May 20, 2006
Posts: 519
Location: In Cognito
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| Posted: Sun Jul 15, 2007 4:07 pm Post subject: Re: thinking about asking a girl from work out... need advic |
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| Iruka wrote: | | She made a big deal about how she would find some way to repay me for my help. Thought it might sound cool if I said maybe you could go out with me? |
Only if you are sure you can say it in such a way that she can take it for a joke if she wants to.
One possible reason why she is so keen on returning the favour may be exactly that she doesn't want any more personal involvement. Most people are happy to accept a favour from a friend, because either there will soon enough be an opportunity to reciprocate, or the favour is a small thing compared to the whole history of interactions. And you should never ask for anything as personal as a date in return for a favour unless you are very sure that the other person wants you to ask. Most people very much resent being asked for something personal they don't want to do when they feel obliged to you. It is worse than asking the same thing when they don't feel obliged, because with the obligation they feel bad if they turn you down and then blame you for feeling bad. Without the obligation they wouldn't feel so bad about saying "No, thank you". If she doesn't want a date and you ask her for a date in return for a favour, the whole thing will blow up in your face.
I think you should find something that is less clearly a date. It would be good if she can bring her kid along if she wants to, saving her finding a babysitter. But in case she wants her kid to meet only people she knows very well and trusts a lot, don't make it something that is so obviously aimed at her son that she would feel obliged to bring him along. Then you have the same problem as with a date, possibly even worse. As well as you can, avoid putting pressure on her.
Gromit |
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voss749
Raven
Joined: Apr 04, 2006
Posts: 116
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 5:03 am Post subject: |
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I hate to burst your bubble, but it sounds like shes so far shes just being nice, and if you ask her out you risk ruining a potential friendship.
I would wait and let her make the next move(ie the reward). I would use compliments sparingly...aspies compliments often dont go over well.
Shortness is not that big a deal as long as you dont act weird about it.
If and when she pays you back with a mom its usually some sort of food gift then you might say
"Your gift was very thoughtful would you like to go get some coffee after work sometime?"
IF she makes some excuse shes probably not interested. |
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calandale
Stellar's Jay
Joined: Mar 10, 2007
Posts: 15131
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Although I'm generally opposed to
'dates,' waiting for her to move is
pretty questionable. This is my modus
operandi, and while it's caught me good
'uns, it seems like I've lost more, due to
inaction. |
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AnonymousAnonymous
More Riddler than Joker
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Age: 18
Posts: 6847
Location: Portland, Oregon
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 1:46 pm Post subject: |
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There is a law in dating.
It's called the "3 Strikes" rule.
If a girl turns you down three times, move on.
She's not interested.
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Iruka
Raven
Joined: Nov 29, 2006
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Mon Jul 16, 2007 3:51 pm Post subject: |
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if you ask a girl out three times and she says no she's not interested? I've never asked a girl out a second time. If a girl says no or she's not interested I usually tend to think thats not going to change. Doesn't really matter, I asked her today, she said that seeing as how we work together she doesn't think its a good idea. Talking to her and seeing how much we have in common I thought she'd be interested.
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