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DazzleKitty
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 61
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 Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 5:03 pm Post subject: Crushing on a guy with Asperger's |
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Greetings everyone.
I'm new to this forum. I was seeking a place to find an answer to my questions, and this is what I found.  Hopfully I have the right area for my questions.
Back in spring, I met this guy at college. We'd just make what you'd call small talk but never really hung out. He invited me to a party as his house, but unfortunately I couldn't come.
Well, about a month into summer vacation, I got a call from him and he wanted to hang out. This was basically the start of a friendship.
I've been hanging out with him a few times since this. When he came over on Fourth of July, he told me he had Asperger's and, if I remember right, some Autism too. To be honest, I had no idea he did until he told me. My mom could tell right away that he was "different" than most people, especially since I do have a cousin who has a more severe case of Autism and Asperger's.
I can recognize the symptoms of it more easily now that I know he has it. Sometimes when he is in a larger group of people, he seems to get a little quiet and holds is forhead in his hands as if he's feeling stressed. I know he has anxiety, so I am sure these social situations cause him high levels of it.
He's also quite blunt and honest. He loves to argue and debate. He realizes that he does say things that anger people, and that there are times when it's best to keep quiet rather than say something.
I saw some of the members here mention that those who suffer with Asperger's/Autism have a hard time expressing their emotions and true feelings. I do believe this guy does have a hard time doing that sometimes, but he is also blunt and will say things in a very honest way whenever he feels like it.
I have been starting to like him a lot. I am only 19 right now and this would be my first relationship with a guy. I am wanting to know if it would be worth my time to pursue it. I am thinking that I will have to make the first move since the guy is very, very shy. But oddly enough, he seems to love social situations like parties and groups of friends. Yet, I can see him sometime go into his 'reclusive mode' where he gets quiet and seems unsure of what to do.
I made a post at another forum a while back about it. I go there by DazzleSurprise. It's a long story, but if someone is willing to read it, I would be very happy for your input.
http://www.mlptp.net/forums/showthread.php?t=33664
Do people with Asperger's/Autism tend to be more attached to people? My counselor told me that sometimes they view acquaintaces as close friends. This makes me wonder if they are more serious about relationships, especially since I myself prefer to only go into a serious relationship rather than a fling. The thing that does worry me is that he seems to be very flirtacious with girls. He wants me to have this nighttime pool party and nighttime hike so he can maybe score with one of the girls. He is a big jokester too and sometimes he loves perverted jokes (I don't mind since I find perverted guys to be hot). But I get scared that sometimes he is halfway serious about these jokes and may be using me to "score". My friend told me that I may look into things too much, since women tend to do that. He may not even like me at all in that way and just may want friendship. I'm not sure what I should do to find his true feelings on the matter.
Everyone tells me that I should ask him whether or not he likes me. My counselor especially said it would be good, because he may be more inclined to be blunt about it rather than worry about hurting my feelings. My parents, grandma, and friends all think I should ask. My aunt thinks I should wait it out. My brother says that guys don't like to be put on the spot and that they have a tendency to run when the girl wants something serious that simply will not be happening.
Of course, I will say that we can still be friends if I do ask him. This would be very hard on me, because I am seriously starting to like him. I almost feel as though I could fall in love with him. I've never felt this way before and I have been thinking about him all the time. If you want the truth, I'm usually a person who has trouble feeling sympathy and compassion for other people, but I really feel it for him. I think this is a sign that I am starting to truly like him. However, I want to protect myself too. If this won't work, I need get the pain over with now. But I want to be able to find out how he feels without hurting him too.
I thank in advance those who took their time to read my post and respond!
Dazzle |
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Paula
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 16, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 732
Location: San Diego Calif
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 6:01 pm Post subject: |
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| Treat him like you would anyone else. You like him....tell him. |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5079
Location: London
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 6:16 pm Post subject: Re: Crushing on a guy with Asperger's |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | Do people with Asperger's/Autism tend to be more attached to people? My counselor told me that sometimes they view acquaintaces as close friends. This makes me wonder if they are more serious about relationships, especially since I myself prefer to only go into a serious relationship rather than a fling. |
I wouldn't worry what you councillor said. I never really heard anything like that. Not the case with me. If anything I was aware that I couldn't make friends, and as far as i remember had trouble trusting people. It has been a learning curve. Though they do say that some are too trusting, and can get taken advanced of because of that.
As Paula says just do what you feel is natural, no special treatment. If there is an issue you not sure about ask him. |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 6:23 pm Post subject: Re: Crushing on a guy with Asperger's |
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| 0_equals_true wrote: | | DazzleKitty wrote: | | Do people with Asperger's/Autism tend to be more attached to people? My counselor told me that sometimes they view acquaintaces as close friends. This makes me wonder if they are more serious about relationships, especially since I myself prefer to only go into a serious relationship rather than a fling. |
I wouldn't worry what you councillor said. I never really heard anything like that. Not the case with me. If anything I was aware that I couldn't make friends, and as far as i remember had trouble trusting people. It has been a learning curve. Though they do say that some are too trusting, and can get taken advanced of because of that.
As Paula says just do what you feel is natural, no special treatment. If there is an issue you not sure about ask him. |
I think if someone with AS really likes you, then they will really like you. On a level that's really difficult to comprehend. They may not even show this side to you, it's kind of embarasing.
From all evidence I have seen... most people with AS are concerned with serious relationships... unless their attitudes are tweaked by bitterness or society.
Same thing with trust... they have a tendency to be trusting and naive about people. Unless they are hurt... then they have a tendency to be very bitter.
_________________
I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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Mr_Winston
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Age: 22
Posts: 489
Location: Bath (Uni) Cambridge (Home), UK.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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As Paula said, if you like him then tell him.
Odds are he won't be able to pick up on hints or body language. The only way you're really going to find out what you want to know is to be straight with him and ask.
It's as simple as that, he won't bite y'know.
_________________
Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on. |
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Demonic_Duck
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 27, 2006
Posts: 240
Location: Herts, England
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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On the plus side, he's probably less likely to go off with some other girl and break your heart than a typical NT guy. On the minus side, he may have trouble expressing his feelings to you.
But, you have nothing to lose. Go for it. Everyone deserves a shot at happiness, whether they are AS or NT. |
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Smelena
Cure Neurotypicals Now!
Joined: Apr 02, 2007
Posts: 2148
Location: Australia
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calandale
Stellar's Jay
Joined: Mar 10, 2007
Posts: 15131
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 8:42 pm Post subject: Re: Crushing on a guy with Asperger's |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | When he came over on Fourth of July, he told me he had Asperger's and, if I remember right, some Autism too. |
It's one or the other.
| Quote: |
I am thinking that I will have to make the first move since the guy is very, very shy. |
Probably. Not necessarily,
but if you're interested, might
as well.
| Quote: | | But oddly enough, he seems to love social situations like parties and groups of friends. Yet, I can see him sometime go into his 'reclusive mode' where he gets quiet and seems unsure of what to do. |
Yeah. Some can tolerate that better.
Especially with those that they trust.
| Quote: | | Do people with Asperger's/Autism tend to be more attached to people? My counselor told me that sometimes they view acquaintaces as close friends. This makes me wonder if they are more serious about relationships, especially since I myself prefer to only go into a serious relationship rather than a fling. |
It's often the case, but not always.
For me, definitely, but others have
difficulty with the closeness. Best bet
is to be honest. Hell, you might still get
burned, but many of us view honesty a
bit more seriously than many others do.
| Quote: | | The thing that does worry me is that he seems to be very flirtacious with girls. He wants me to have this nighttime pool party and nighttime hike so he can maybe score with one of the girls. He is a big jokester too and sometimes he loves perverted jokes (I don't mind since I find perverted guys to be hot). But I get scared that sometimes he is halfway serious about these jokes and may be using me to "score". |
Heh, again maybe I'm painting this guy with
my own brush. I tend to be the same way.
BUT, I was pretty damned shy at your age.
Still, always had outrageous hopes, which I
would joke about. I'd guess though, that he's
had some experience, for whatever that matters -
unless the jokes are not particularly skillfully played.
| Quote: | | I'm not sure what I should do to find his true feelings on the matter. |
Ask. Seriously. You may get hurt,
but it's your best chance of finding out.
| Quote: | | Everyone tells me that I should ask him whether or not he likes me. My counselor especially said it would be good, because he may be more inclined to be blunt about it rather than worry about hurting my feelings. |
Sounds like good advice.
| Quote: |
My brother says that guys don't like to be put on the spot and that they have a tendency to run when the girl wants something serious that simply will not be happening. |
In general, yeah. With guys on the spectrum,
it's less clear. Some will run. When I was first
asked, I panicked. I wasn't ready, and I told her
so. A couple days later, I showed up, ready and
willing. We made a serious go for 3 years (in my
mind - she seemed to have different thoughts during
the final year).
| Quote: | | I almost feel as though I could fall in love with him. |
If you're thinking about a serious
relationship, I'd say that's a given,
no?
| Quote: |
I've never felt this way before and I have been thinking about him all the time. If you want the truth, I'm usually a person who has trouble feeling sympathy and compassion for other people, but I really feel it for him. |
You sound really sweet. You may be
one of those wonderful people who
ain't too far from being on the spectrum
yourself.
| Quote: | | I think this is a sign that I am starting to truly like him. However, I want to protect myself too. If this won't work, I need get the pain over with now. |
These things are always a crap shoot.
You might end up hurt, sometime down
the road. But you have to take the chance.
EDIT: Skimmed your other post,
but it doesn't contain too much new
information. I did note that he claims
to be a virgin - so, I was probably wrong
in my assessment. Just be careful with
one another (and safe). |
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3746
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Sat Jul 21, 2007 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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| I think you have Asperger's personally. |
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CDHarris
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 18, 2007
Posts: 73
Location: Dover, FL
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 12:56 am Post subject: Re: Crushing on a guy with Asperger's |
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| Pugly wrote: | I think if someone with AS really likes you, then they will really like you. On a level that's really difficult to comprehend. They may not even show this side to you, it's kind of embarasing.
From all evidence I have seen... most people with AS are concerned with serious relationships... unless their attitudes are tweaked by bitterness or society.
Same thing with trust... they have a tendency to be trusting and naive about people. Unless they are hurt... then they have a tendency to be very bitter. |
STOP READING MY MIND! |
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DazzleKitty
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 61
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:33 am Post subject: |
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| NeantHumain wrote: | | I think you have Asperger's personally. |
Are you referring to me? And if so, are you serious? And why?
I have not been diagnosed with it, but I am diagnosed with depression....a possibility of being bipolar, too, according to my own opinion. Or not.
I thank you all for taking your time to respond to my message! I really appreciate you taking your time to read everything I did and offer your advice. It's always a help.
As I mentioned earlier, my brother says guys have a tendency to bolt whenever a girl asks about their feelings or confesses to them. If he is interested, I am going to throw out the offer that we can take it as slow as he likes. I'm in no rush to get to really take things further. Just knowing that we both like each other and are willing to take it further in the future is enough to satisfy me. I see nothing wrong with takings things quickly if it would work out, but most of the time that marks the early death of a relationship.
I'm also afraid of rejection. I know I have to experience it one time in my life. Many people have told me that first relationships hardly ever work. This brings out a pessmistic side in myself, but if this guy is as interested in a serious relationship was I am, perhaps building something from it won't all be in vain, eh?
I don't treat him differently from other people because of his problems. But whenever I see he is getting uncomfortable, I will usually try to do something that makes him feel more at ease.
He has been sending me little signals before to tell me that he likes me. But sometimes his perverted jokes about other girls make me wonder. But then again, maybe perversion is part of his personality and he finds it to be funny.
I try to send signals to him to show him that I like him, but as you guys said, perhaps he is missing them. I'll just have to be more blunt about it.
Once again, thank you all for your comments and suggestions. It's very encouraging to see you guys telling me that I should go ahead and pursue it.  I'll probably tell him within the next week or two. It's hard to build up courage for something like this!  |
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calandale
Stellar's Jay
Joined: Mar 10, 2007
Posts: 15131
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 3:42 am Post subject: |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | NeantHumain wrote: | | I think you have Asperger's personally. |
Are you referring to me? And if so, are you serious? And why? |
Probably for the same reason that I think you're close
to being on the spectrum. You sound an awful lot like
a lot of the people here.
| Quote: | | I'm usually a person who has trouble feeling sympathy and compassion |
especially.
| Quote: | | I see nothing wrong with takings things quickly if it would work out, but most of the time that marks the early death of a relationship. |
Maybe. Just don't let things slide so far
that the first flush wears off, or it will never
happen - even if it could have been beautiful
otherwise.
| Quote: | | I'm also afraid of rejection. I know I have to experience it one time in my life. Many people have told me that first relationships hardly ever work. This brings out a pessmistic side in myself, but if this guy is as interested in a serious relationship was I am, perhaps building something from it won't all be in vain, eh? |
Maybe, maybe not. Who knows? All things
fail in the end. What makes for a 'working'
relationship? Yeah, I know what you want,
'tis what I THOUGHT I had, for over a decade,
and in truth, I did. Just that forever ended quicker
than I thought.
| Quote: | | It's hard to build up courage for something like this! |
Damned straight. And even when one does,
it is easy to get so discouraged by small things,
that it can be ruined before it begins. |
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DazzleKitty
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 61
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 4:32 am Post subject: |
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| calandale wrote: | | DazzleKitty wrote: | | NeantHumain wrote: | | I think you have Asperger's personally. |
Are you referring to me? And if so, are you serious? And why? |
Probably for the same reason that I think you're close
to being on the spectrum. You sound an awful lot like
a lot of the people here.
| Quote: | | I'm usually a person who has trouble feeling sympathy and compassion |
especially. |
Wow...that's very interesting. I haven't been diagnosed with anything like that. I think I may have had some problems in my past (such as Social Anxiety Disorder), but it's not so bad now that I have been taking medication for depression/anxiety and making some changes in my life.
I know someone else who has problems feeling sympathy and compassion, but he isn't an Aspie. Or at least, I don't believe so. He is introverted, and so am I. And honestly, I can be a bit selfish. I know I am wronging other people by being that way and I wish I could sympathize and feel more compassion, but no matter how hard I try, I can't. But some things evoke a lot of sympathy from me, such as animals for instance. I can cry more easily for a sick dog than for the death of a distant family member. It's odd, I know. |
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calandale
Stellar's Jay
Joined: Mar 10, 2007
Posts: 15131
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 11:28 am Post subject: |
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See, it doesn't mean that you are,
but DOES strike a similar chord, I
would suspect, with many of us.
And should help make for a wonderful
pairing. I have high hopes. |
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3746
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Sun Jul 22, 2007 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: | | NeantHumain wrote: | | I think you have Asperger's personally. |
Are you referring to me? And if so, are you serious? And why? |
Your writing style is detailed and even verbose (honestly, I only skimmed much of it). Your interest in My Little Ponies would definitely qualify as an aspie-style "restricted, stereotyped pattern of interest." You have a family member with Asperger's syndrome, which means you probably share some of those autism genes. |
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