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Crystalmirror
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 07, 2007
Posts: 53
Location: Connecticut, USA
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 Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:13 pm Post subject: How would you have handled this? |
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This is a situation which occurred while I was in college.
Being an aspie, I know I have poor social skills, but it has never bothered me, and I have always preferred being on my own. Now I was sitting at a table in the cafeteria at dinner all by myself and liking it when this group of girls came over to me and said, "We thought you looked lonely, so we thought we'd come keep you company." Now I certainly was not lonely, and I was thoroughly annoyed when they did this, though I tried my best not to show it. And their conversation was mostly small talk--"What kind of music do you like?" and such.
I was angry when this happened, and this incident has bothered me for years. I was just wondering, how would any of you have handled this if it happened to you? |
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poopylungstuffing
Bohemian Cave dweller
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 33
Posts: 3650
Location: not otherwise specified
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siuan
Phoenix
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Joined: Aug 07, 2007
Posts: 1269
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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This happened to me once in school (not in college). Some girls came over to talk to me much like they did with you. I replied, not so friendly, "What do you want?" They just got up and left. However, the one girl turned back to me and said, "You know Siuan, you really have a chip on your shoulder. We just wanted to join you. Apparently you don't want anyone around you."
I remember feeling awful upon realizing they just wanted to be friendly. I didn't expect it, I expected ulterior motives. I regret my reaction to this day.
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They tell me I think too much. I tell them they don't think enough. |
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zee
human wannabe
Joined: Jul 19, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 1098
Location: backstage
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:26 pm Post subject: |
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It sounds like they were just being friendly and reaching out to you. Either that, or there were no free tables. But it's important to remember that, although we Aspies enjoy being alone, most NTs fear it, especially young women.
One time a co-worker came and sat with me and said "Do you mind if I sit with you? I just don't want to look like a loner." I said "I guess" and kept reading the paper. |
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Belle77
Phoenix
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Joined: Feb 10, 2007
Posts: 1078
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:29 pm Post subject: |
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| I hate when that kind of thing happens too. I'd get mad about it, but not really show it...it would definitely ruin the rest of my day because it would keep bothering me. I'd just sit there not saying much and finish eating as fast as I could so I'd have an excuse to get up and leave without looking horribly rude. |
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RainSong
The Argumentive Lunatic
Joined: May 02, 2006
Posts: 4175
Location: Ohio
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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I've had that happen in the past. It's annoying, but most of the time they are trying to be friendly. I try to be as polite as I can around them, but let them know that while I appreciate the gesture, I prefer to be left alone.
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"You'll never get to heaven if you're afraid of getting high." |
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wsmac
WP Elevator Operator - What Floor Please?
Joined: Sep 01, 2007
Posts: 2737
Location: Humboldt County, Little Blue House on the Corner
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:32 pm Post subject: |
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If you could manage under circumstances like that,
perhaps something like, "Actually, I'm wanting to be by myself right now but I appreciate what you are trying to do."
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
ap·pre·ci·ate
1. to be grateful or thankful for: They appreciated his thoughtfulness.
–verb (used with object)
2. to value or regard highly; place a high estimate on: to appreciate good wine.
3. to be fully conscious of; be aware of; detect: to appreciate the dangers of a situation.
--Number 3 is what I mean most often when I use the word Appreciate. I figure most regular folks see the word as number 1 or 2.
4. to raise in value.
–verb (used without object) 5. to increase in value: Property values appreciated yearly.
In the situation you described, I see it as saying that you are aware that they are doing the normal NT thing of gathering in groups and chatting endlessly, perhaps you understand how important this is to them, BUT, you are not saying you are thankful for their efforts at interfering in your life uninvited.
They really may have thought you looked lonely and that they had what was needed to 'cheer you up' by making you 'unlonely'.
This is the sort of stuff I am learning best from WP. I see it as a chance to learn to associate with people who's lives are lived differently than mine. Same thing as if I went to another country where the customs were different, the language was different and I wanted to relate well with those folks. It would be wrong of me to bring all my American customs, attitudes, and other issues to them and expect my way to be the new and correct way for them to behave while I was a visitor.
Anyway, I hope you find either a good way to turn folks like that away when you need to, or perhaps a different place that is comfortable and secure for you.
Everyone deserves respect.
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 33
Posts: 20765
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates, somewhere in Canada :O)
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I would have committed Suicide. |
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Kalister1
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 09, 2007
Posts: 2882
Location: California
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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I always do the kind of stuff the poster is talking about. There is something wrong with me - I am an alien.
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elvenmage
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 12, 2007
Posts: 125
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| Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007 11:34 pm Post subject: |
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Probably gone to another table.
The same thing has happened to me before but it was alot worse, even though it was over a year and a half ago i can still remember quite clearly.
Basically i was sitting alone on a dinner table(with 6 seats) eating my lunch(At school) and then a group of 6 came over, i knew most of them although didn't like any of them and 5 sat down and their "leader" was throwing insults at me such as:
*beep* off you have no friends here
We're all friends get off our table
You have no friends
Seriously you're like weird *beep* off
Everybody hates you *beep* off
You *beep*ing geek *beep* off
Then the rest of them joined in.
At first i ignored them and said "I was here first shut up".
Then they got worse... A few punches maybe.
I eventually just walked off and threw the rest of my lunch in the bin, i couldn't stop all 6 of them.
That's how i handled it back then, although it kinda bothered me when i see those people i got over it. |
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edal
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 05, 2007
Posts: 759
Location: Gyor, Hungary
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| Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:57 am Post subject: |
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Angry? Hell no. If that had happened to me when I was at college the smile would not have dropped for a week. If nothing else you missed out on a great opportunity to practice your conversation skills.
Next time, don't drop the ball.
Ed Almos |
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starlighter
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 04, 2007
Posts: 126
Location: Spain
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| Posted: Sun Sep 16, 2007 7:25 am Post subject: |
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| Yes, happened to me sometimes, for example when I'm going into a plane ( for hollydays), and if I' travel alone I sit ina s eat next to a person I don't know, so .. I just say hello to him/her, and then I proceed to take seat, I mean I realized some NT's don't need to say anything to the person next to them, but I think it's just the correct , a social 'skill', at the end you're going to share a flight with them, what's the wrong about it, anyway ... but then it's true that I just continue doing 'my things', and sometimes I realized the person next to me looking awkard to me, like if they were expecting I just wanted to contiue the conversation, when I 'm not interested, this is when I think there's something wrong with me, ... |
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vivreestesperer
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jun 26, 2004
Posts: 188
Location: Maine/Baltimore
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 3:24 am Post subject: |
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In college when that happend it would mostly make me feel good that someone wanted to sit with me and was aware of me and all
When I didnt want them to sit with me , I d just say thank you, I appreciate it, but I think I'd rather be alonefor now
worked pretty good
for most people lol
Kate |
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Anna4077
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 13, 2006
Posts: 88
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 4:43 am Post subject: |
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| I've found that a simple "F*** off" works quite well. |
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Unknown_Quantity
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 16, 2007
Posts: 361
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 5:01 am Post subject: |
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This happened to me at a nightclub once when I had just turned 18, a bunch of about 3 girls asked me to join them because I was on my own. I still think very fondly of the kindness of just asking me if I wanted company and hope those girls are doing well.
I did go and sit with them, but after not saying anything and being as inanimate (and, well, broody) as I had been on my own, I decided i was probably not being very good company and left. It's a pity that at that stage I couldn't open up and reward them for their kind gesture with some sort of warmth and pleasentness, hopefully they still did nice things like that afterwards.
I don't go out to nightclubs. I kinda think, what would be the point? |
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