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duncansbass
Supporting Member
Joined: Nov 26, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 421
Location: Flatting thirds, fifths, and sevenths for over 20 years
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 Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 1:03 pm Post subject: help with problem co-worker |
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I have a person on my team who is always in my space, and never seems to have any idea that she gets too close to people. Also, she thinks it's just fine to touch me, pat me, poke me, etc.
Well...it's not. I hate that.
Our supervisor has already told her about my personal space issues, and still it continues. I have to approach her now, and I'm not sure how. Complicating the issue is that I am the team lead, not just a co-worker. Further complicating the issue is that I always look kind of stern, and am 6'1" and 260, muscular build, so I come off as intimidating and mean when I don't mean to.
Any suggestions?
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whitecat
Hummingbird
Joined: Dec 03, 2007
Posts: 24
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:39 pm Post subject: Help with a problem co-worker |
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I hope I can help.
Your conerns posted here are dicey.
I am the person on the other side - I was counseled by my supervisor for getting too close to people's space. I was shocked and actually felt angry about it because I felt I wasn't doing it. But if anyone complained, then I must have been doing it subconciously and I accepted the feedback and made sure I didn't do it anymore. I have a wonderful supervisor who coached me to stand "at arm's length" from any co-worker. And I now do that to this day.
It sounds like you were singled out by the supervisor who told this offending person that YOU are the one who complained - which puts you in a spot. Too bad your company does not practice more discretion in management.
But that said, anybody who is a toucher/feeler and has any sense at all (I would assume an NT) - should be able to read your body language. Back up from this person when they approach. Stiffen your muscle when the person touches you (someone did that to me when I touched them and I got the message quick!) If your non-verbal cues don't work, then say "I appreciate good relationships in the workplace, but I would like us not to close in each other's space or touch each other. This goes for everyone on my team. Please do not take my request personally, this does not mean only you."
Then if the person continues, you are in a solid place to continue to remind the person.
Speaking as a toucher/feeler - I realized I did that - and studied it in articles, and thought about my own beavior. A person who touches you on the shoulder, or arm (hopefully not in other places) has their own insecure need to "bond" to you - to "ground" your conversation. This person may come from a very warm touchy/feely family or culture. But the person needs to respect others in the workplace, and learn boundaries. I think just continuing "on point" and not sending mixed messages to the person - the person will eventually get it. I hope you can hang in there until the person does getit.
As far as appearing stern as a team leader. Sometimes that is needed! If you want to appear softer, bring treats to meetings - cookies, candy. Do you have a sense of humor? Crack a joke - but be sure your joke is "on topic" - we Aspies have a tendency to say things fomr outter space. You are doing VERY WELL to be a team leader. Don't worry too much about how you are appearing on the team. Again - lead - don't fret!!
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duncansbass
Supporting Member
Joined: Nov 26, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 421
Location: Flatting thirds, fifths, and sevenths for over 20 years
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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Actually, my supervisor is on my side, and told me I would have to go for round two. And the offender--as NT as it gets--has not responded to even my most grossly overexaggerated body language. I'm not sure if this is a deliberate attempt to get to me, or if this person is just truly this...dumb? Insensitive?
You have some good suggestions, and I appreciate it. I really do. I will try talking to this person like you suggested and hopes that puts an end to it.
And you sound like you are also doing very well, whitecat.
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whitecat
Hummingbird
Joined: Dec 03, 2007
Posts: 24
Location: San Francisco Bay Area
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:14 pm Post subject: |
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Actually I have now compounded years of experience and have made just about every mistake any Aspie can make on the job - so that's why I am comfortable with giving feedback.
Another thought - if you are male, and this person is female - it could be that she is keen on you and may be doing some heavy flirting. Professionals in the workplace are pretty interested in keeping their jobs and avoiding any kind of harrassment lawsuit, so they will adhere to established boundaries regarding their office behavior. It could be this person is really attracted to you - and when it comes to that - NT or Aspie - common sense goes out the window. I mean when it comes to "love"...just look at our crazed politicians in the latest news! Unbelievable!
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duncansbass
Supporting Member
Joined: Nov 26, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 421
Location: Flatting thirds, fifths, and sevenths for over 20 years
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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Man, I hope not.
I will be careful. Thank you! 
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Dreamweaver
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Dec 05, 2007
Age: 24
Posts: 51
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 6:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I know the feeling completely, where I work is a very close team and it wouldn't be thought of as weird to put your arm on someones shoulder etc. when reading out an order problem (I work in a kitchen). I think most people have worked out by the fact I completely freeze when this is done that it is not appreciated in any way at all, but thankfully I didn't manage to offend anyone in the process. |
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duncansbass
Supporting Member
Joined: Nov 26, 2007
Age: 41
Posts: 421
Location: Flatting thirds, fifths, and sevenths for over 20 years
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 10:33 am Post subject: |
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I think most NT's get it when you do things like freeze, or constantly move away, but this one doesn't get it at all. And it's not just me. I wonder why some people are like that.
My very NT daughter, when I told her, said "So, you, and Aspie, get that this is not cool, and she can't read social cues?" It almost sounds like the beginning of a joke.
What do you call NT's who can't read social cues?
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 48
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 9:53 am Post subject: |
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Obtuse?
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SpaceStace
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 23, 2007
Posts: 211
Location: New York City
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't know - I'm just throwing an idea out here, but whether whitecat's suspicions about her attraction are correct or not, perhaps if you phrase your request for her to back off in terms of her touching and closeness as being inappropriate contact between co-workers of the opposite sex? I'm thinking using somewhat-strong active words about her like inappropriate or over the line or flirting, as opposed to the passive about you (she makes you uncomfortable) puts the ball in her court - that she is behaving inappropriately, not you needing special treatment. And maybe implying that her behavior is flirtatious (whether it actually is or not) will embarrass her just enough to step back and look at herself. |
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Alphawolf
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Dec 31, 2007
Posts: 42
Location: Wolf City... or Baltimore Maryland
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Any suggestions?
I have a person on my team who is always in my space, and never seems to have any idea that she gets too close to people. Also, she thinks it's just fine to touch me, pat me, poke me, etc.
Well...it's not. I hate that. ===== First I hear you my BIG autistic brother. I had a nice lady at work who always touched me. She was well meaning. Its just she was totally clueless when it came to respecting my need not to be touched and to have her out of my immediate space. I could tell her till I was blue in the face aboout not invading my space and touching me and it was totally not heard.
Our supervisor has already told her about my personal space issues, and still it continues. ===== Dude in my case I went so far as to have an EEOC complaint written about the fatal lady pestering me on the job and you guessed still her obnocious behaviors continued.
I have to approach her now, and I'm not sure how.
First dude you have not looked at all the possible complications... You could be her fogg horn leghorn and she is your Miss Prissy. Meaning she could have romantic or sexual eyes for you. If so her being so close might be because of interests she has in yout that go far beyond the logical, literal functions of the work world you might be thinking about. Her interest in you might venture intp the deep mysterious world of the love lorn smitten illogical heart of womanhood. Sir you must understand we as autistic men hold a powerful allure to otherwise sedate and sensible gentle ladies. You are a fine physical specimen as such that only adds to your allure to the fair sex. Even if you show not even the vestiage of an interest in her sexually that will not neccessarily prevent her being interested in you sexually. Ladies smitten by you will not remember you do not wish to be touched unless you constantly remind them so much they get tired of hearing it and even thin still remind them. Ladies of this type often project thinking on some level you just have to be drawn by them in the same ways they find themselves captured and made slave by your huge obvertly masculine charms.
Dude I know there is not one spec of logic or literal structure in what I am sharing with you but when ladies are involved there need be none for me to be 100% correct about all this. I know this from experience big dude. I am a small but well built autistic black man, I have a few fatal ladies chasing after me on my job where I work as a highly paid IT specialist for the federal government. I call them fatal ladies because, they have a rather fatal attraction to you that is not built or founded upon advances or anything sexual you started. First sit down with her and ask her why she can not respect your right to be left alone without her invading your personal space. If she did not reveal her true motives I would say directly maam you are act like you have strong feelings for me. Is this true if not why are you invading my personal space when I have repeatedly asked you not to. If what you have on your trail is a fatal lady you have to sit her down many times and help her understand you are autistic and have no sexual interest in her at all.
Complicating the issue is that I am the team lead, not just a co-worker. As team lead yes things are more complicated. In the government I am a technical lead which means some people who like me also assist me on the job. Also remember Some cultures have touching deeply engrained in their members. Italian, Greek and Jewish cultures among others are big on touch especially among friends and co-workers. Try to have some understanding that for some the culture of touch is so much a part of them that asking them not to touch you is like asking them to hold back the worlds 5 ocreans with nothing but bare hands.
Further complicating the issue is that I always look kind of stern, and am 6'1" and 260, muscular build, so I come off as intimidating and mean when I don't mean to. I work with ex-mental patients and ex offenders who average 6 ft 5in to 6 ft 8in and weight 350 to 389 pounds. What I tell them to do is try what I call the gentle stern bear routine. In your softest most caring voice you sit the offending party down and say Ms So In So now I have asked the job management to talk to you about your invading my personal space and touching me. Let me tell you why I honestly can not have you touching me. You see Ms. So In So I have autism. Part of having autism means I do not like having people very close to me. A very important part of my having autism is that I experience as extreme pain any touch you try to share with me in friendship. Unexpected touch could catch me by surprise and I could lose my balance and fall and I am a big man Ms So In So I could hurt myself or hurt someone by falling on them. I can't have you touching me Ms So In So because even if I just jump in reaction to the pain of your touch I could bump into you hard enough to hurt you. Ms So In So I know you are just touching me because, thats how you share kindness but you have to understand Ms So In So that I am disabled. I know big and tall and strong as I am its hard to look at me and see my disability but I am disabled and you need to respect my disability Ms So In So for both our safety. Now Miss So In So I am speaking to you myself because, I don't want to go to management with an EEOC harrassment complaint against you, because I would rather we work this out. I know you are a good person Miss So In So and I know you don't want to hurt a disabled autistic man by causing him extreme pain. I like you saying hi to me but let's work together to find another way for you to say hi to me or share kindness that does not involve causing me pain by touching. Come Ms So In So on lets sit and work something out so we can stay friends without the touching and getting in my space.
Using this technique is longer but by getting them to develop alternate non-touch means of communication that also do not invade your space you get them to invest themselves in the solution. If Ms So In So is invested in the solution because she understands your disability she is more likely to carry through with leaving your vital space alone. In this way you are using your autism as an educational and empowering tool for others. A stern warning from management alone would serve only to anger her and isolate you as the office freak. Using autism education as an empowerment tool for others is the better way of handling workplace challnges like Ms So In So!
I have used this very method of autism empowerment at my workplace many times successfully. I am a IT specialist in a large government agency. I have had lots of success with it. I even got a promotion recently. My life at work is not perfect but people like this can be effectively dealt with. |
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