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Knaidle
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 77
Location: Los Angeles
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 Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:25 pm Post subject: HELP! I think I pissed off my boss! |
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I got to work this morning and my boss asked me to have a chat with two candidates that he is interviewing. He had put me down on a schedule to talk to one from 10 to 10:30 and the other from 10:30 to 11. I don't know how he expected me to talk to them for HALF AN HOUR. In any case I had a lot planned for today including some things that HAD to get done today. I told him that I would have to not do some of the experiments that I planned if I spoke to these candidates. He replied that he was only asking for an hour. So I started to think in my head how I could fit this chat into my schedule. While I was thinking he just said to me "Fine, I will remove you from the schedule" and then he walked away. I don't know if he is pissed off or if it really is fine. He did not smile or indicate in any way that this really is fine so I think he is upset.
What do I do now? Should I go and tell him that I can squeeze them in during some down time during the experiments? (I really don't want to talk to them but I know it is important).
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Not quite neurotypical - but not quite Aspie either. I'm in my own category! Help!! |
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Wolfpup
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Posts: 1572
Location: Central Illinois, USA
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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This kind of things confuses me too. You probably did piss him off, but depending on his personality it might or might not be a big thing. Hopefully someone can give some advice about what to do now.
I guess you're kind of supposed to go along with whatever your boss says regardless. I try to, though I've had a few things I can't do to anxiety issues. |
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sepia
Deinonychus
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Joined: Jul 29, 2004
Age: 32
Posts: 327
Location: N.London
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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hi knaidle,
it almost doesn't matter if you pissed your boss off in this situation, they put you on the spot and you were not rude - hence you reacted fine.
what you can now do is speak to your boss again and just assert that you were not being awkward just that you were kind of put on the spot and ask that can they plan these things ahead a bit better in future. also, i should think that if you are expected to talk to candidates then you would need the appropriate training. perhaps you could sit in with your boss and take notes one time... it isn't the kind of thing that you should be expected to just be able to do... i think most NTs would find that difficult! |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 1910
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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I think your boss expected you to be appreciative of their trust and their interest in your opinion on the candidates. I know I'd be extremely pleased myself if I was entrusted with such a task.
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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YowlingCat
Lick a Cat - Get a Hairball
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Joined: Feb 12, 2007
Posts: 1013
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 10:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes, you pissed him off. Do ask to sit in on an interview, and let him know that you need the experience, that you felt uncomfortable having none. Don't criticize the boss and tell him that he needs to plan a little better! Boy, is that a bad move. |
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ASPIEd
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 07, 2007
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 9:38 am Post subject: |
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Knaidle,
Basically, your boss did not exercise good planning, and generally did not behave well. Here's why:
1. Undoubtedly, he had set up the candidate interviews well in advance, so he had ample opportunity to ask for your participation before the day of the interviews. Had he done so, you would have been able to plan your day accordingly. Expecting you to alter your work plans on such short notice is unreasonable. Also, his statement that he would "remove you from the schedule" implies that he had actually worked out a plan for the day's events, a plan that he neglected to communicate to you. Of course, maybe he just drew up the schedule a couple of minutes before he talked to you, which would be more evidence of bad planning.
2. If you had never participated in the interview process before, your boss should have eased you into the task by allowing you to sit in and observe other people "chatting" with candidates. To expect you to just "chat" for an hour to two complete strangers definitely put you on the spot.
3. It sounds like your boss didn't let you know what purpose was intended for the chats. Were you supposed to find out more about the candidates and report your findings to the boss? Were you supposed to impress the candidates with stories of what an excellent company it is? Were you supposed to relax the candidates with a half hour of (shudder) sociable "small talk"? Without a clearly communicated purpose for the chat, it seems like a complete waste of time for you, the company and the candidates.
4. When you told the boss that doing the chats meant not doing some experiments, his response that "he was only asking for an hour" shows that he does not respect your work or your time. You had your work planned for the day, including setting priorities for "things that HAD to get done". Instead of appreciating your forethought and skill at organizing your work, he expected you to accommodate his poor planning and do what HE wanted you to do, not what HAD to get done.
In this situation, I think I recognize in you some behaviors that I exhibit as well; maybe it's just an Aspie thing, I don't know. Specifically:
a. Near-fanatic devotion to the carefully worked out plan for the day, with a consequent adverse reaction to any disruption to that plan.
b. Fear of doing something new without adequate preparation, mostly because of not wanting to do it badly or even worse to fail completely.
c. Genuine desire to please others and be helpful, e.g., "I started to think in my head [btw, excellent selection of a body part for the task  ] how I could fit this chat into my schedule".
d. Confusion over NTs' behavior, words, body language, etc.
Nevertheless, I *think* that your boss was indeed upset with you. He might be upset because you disrupted his schedule, and now he had to find a way to fill up a half hour for each candidate; or because he felt that he was honoring you by including you in the interview process; or because you didn't immediately agree with what he wanted you to do.
I've encountered that last reason a few times myself; it always takes me a little time to process things and think them through, and sometimes people interpret that behavior as being resistant and uncooperative. In your case, I think that if your boss had been patient and given you a little time to think, you would have figured out a way to reschedule your day to do the aforementioned "things that HAD to get done" and work in the chats as well.
It might be a good idea to have a private talk with your boss about the situation, rather than let it fester and grow worse. I don't know if your boss knows about your AS or not (I suspect not), and you don't necessarily need to tell him about it unless you want to and think it might help him understand how you think. Maybe you can just tell him that you are very willing to participate in the interview process, but you'd like to ease into it by first observing a few and working out the purpose for the chats . Also, that you can do a better job with the interviews (as well as your regular work) if you have some advance notice, because you plan each day's work very carefully to maximize your output.
I agree with others that it would be best to frame the discussion in terms of how you can do your job better if these suggestions are implemented, not in terms of what your boss did wrong. Having already established that he is not the greatest boss in the world, it would be best not to point an accusing finger at his poor behavior, of which he is most likely blissfully unaware. I've learned the hard way that the phrase "You need to ..." provokes a strong negative response in most people, even if what you're telling them is absolutely true, factual and objective, and any reasonable person with even a mere smidgen of a brain could understand it if they would only extend their vision beyond the tip of their nose and use their head for its intended purpose and not as just a hat rack ... sorry, unintended rant. 
Of course, you know your boss and your work situation better than we do. If your boss doesn't respond well to logic, lacks reasonability, and/or truly is one of the horrible bosses that plague the workplace, you may be better off not talking with him and maybe just include a flexible hour in each day's schedule to accommodate unexpected events. Seems to me like a silly way to do a job, but maybe it would work in your situation.
Last edited by ASPIEd on Fri Feb 08, 2008 3:28 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Wolfpup
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2007
Posts: 1572
Location: Central Illinois, USA
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 10:32 am Post subject: |
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Your comments are so good ASPIEd!
| ASPIEd wrote: | ...
In this situation, I think I recognize in you some behaviors that I exhibit as well; maybe it's just an Aspie thing, I don't know. Specifically:
a. Near-fanatic devotion to the carefully worked out plan for the day, with a consequent adverse reaction to any disruption to that plan.
b. Fear of doing something new without adequate preparation, mostly because of not wanting to do it badly or even worse to fail completely.
c. Genuine desire to please others and be helpful, e.g., "I started to think in my head [btw, excellent selection of a body part for the task ] how I could fit this chat into my schedule".
d. Confusion over NTs' behavior, words, body language, etc.
...
I've encountered that last reason a few times myself; it always takes me a little time to process things and think them through, and sometimes people interpret that behavior as being resistant and uncooperative. |
Oh wow, that all sounds EXACTLY like me. Wow. |
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the_incident
Raven
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 32
Posts: 110
Location: United States of America
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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Regardless of your own personality and working style, the fact is your boss made a fairly common, not completely unreasonable request of you that you had a hard time accepting. Unfortunately, this is likely to be something your boss remembers about you. Flexibility is a trait that most bosses value, and you demonstrated inflexibility.
In my opinion, the old adage "poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part" should be amended with "unless you're my boss."
In the future, I would recommend automatically accepting such an assignment unless it's absolutely impossible. If you're unsure or reluctant, it's okay to say: "I'm not sure what to ask them about," or "But, I'm worried about finishing my other assignments."
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I'm not autistic, although I do not consider myself neurotypical. I've been diagnosed with major depression and socially avoidant personality. Bonus: bipolar disorder.
~My soul must be iron, because my fear is naked.~ |
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Knaidle
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 77
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 5:43 pm Post subject: |
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Well thanks for all your advice. Here is the end of the story:
It turns out that my boss was stressed out because he had an important meeting later that day. I still don't know if he was pissed at me but I do know that he was stressed in the morning because when I saw him later in the day after his meeting he was smiling.
I never did end up chatting with the candidates because I did everything to avoid it.
To clarify some of the points that were raised:
I knew the candidates were coming that day and I knew that I might have to say hello to them and tell them about my work and ask them about theirs. But that usually does not take me more than 7 minutes - which I could have easily fit in later in the day. So when my boss said 30 minutes I figured he wanted me to have a SOCIAL chat with them and that threw me off guard. For some reason my boss thinks that everyone is like him and enjoys chit-chat. It also threw me off guard because he said 10 AM and I was anxious to get my experiments running since they take a lot of time and I like to be as efficient as possible in order to maximize my time.
Later on the whole lab went to dinner with the candidates but I did not go. I don't understand WHY that is enjoyable but I am willing to accept that it IS enjoyable for them. For me it is a huge stress.
ASPIEd I like how you analyzed the situation and I like the points you raised. Thank you. I had not even been aware that I was exhibiting the kind of behaviour that you list after point 4. But what did you mean in the brackets in (c)?:
c. Genuine desire to please others and be helpful, e.g., "I started to think in my head [btw, excellent selection of a body part for the task ] how I could fit this chat into my schedule".
Anyway, in general I have learned how to deal with this man by using some tactics from Dale Carnegie and they REALLY work but he still confuses me occasionally like in this case.
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Not quite neurotypical - but not quite Aspie either. I'm in my own category! Help!! |
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ASPIEd
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Apr 07, 2007
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Fri Feb 08, 2008 10:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Knaidle wrote: |
ASPIEd I like how you analyzed the situation and I like the points you raised. Thank you. I had not even been aware that I was exhibiting the kind of behaviour that you list after point 4. But what did you mean in the brackets in (c)?:
c. Genuine desire to please others and be helpful, e.g., "I started to think in my head [btw, excellent selection of a body part for the task ] how I could fit this chat into my schedule". |
Ummm ... er ... uhhh ... well, that would have been an example of yet another Aspie-ish behavior I exhibit, namely that of a peculiarly quirky sense of humor. You said, "I started to think in my head ..." and the thought that immediately leapt to my mind was, "Where else would one 'start to think' except in their head?" Which led to the semi-humorous, semi-sarcastic remark in the brackets.
Of course, having to explain humor inevitably devalues it, and perhaps 'twould be better if I had kept such thoughts in MY head where they belong and where they would have undoubtedly soon perished from loneliness - - sorry, things seem to be a bit out of control today. 
Glad you appreciated the comments. I always find it much easier to analyze others' situations than my own . . . |
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Hoorahville
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 15, 2007
Posts: 231
Location: Louisiana, USA
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| ASPIEd wrote: |
Ummm ... er ... uhhh ... well, that would have been an example of yet another Aspie-ish behavior I exhibit, namely that of a peculiarly quirky sense of humor. You said, "I started to think in my head ..." and the thought that immediately leapt to my mind was, "Where else would one 'start to think' except in their head?" Which led to the semi-humorous, semi-sarcastic remark in the brackets.
Of course, having to explain humor inevitably devalues it, and perhaps 'twould be better if I had kept such thoughts in MY head where they belong and where they would have undoubtedly soon perished from loneliness - - sorry, things seem to be a bit out of control today.
Glad you appreciated the comments. I always find it much easier to analyze others' situations than my own . . . |
I thought it was clever.
I engage in similar word play in conversation and find myself equally frustrated over the affair when all is said and done. It's rare that anyone catches the quip. My best friend is probably my best friend because he usually does. Coincidentally, he also has an enthusiastic appreciation for British comedy, as do I. |
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Knaidle
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 04, 2008
Posts: 77
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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Oh. I was thinking inside my head instead of outside of my head which would have meant out loud (verbally).
_________________
Not quite neurotypical - but not quite Aspie either. I'm in my own category! Help!! |
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kornik
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 26, 2007
Posts: 47
Location: UK
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 9:51 am Post subject: HELP! I think I pissed off my boss! |
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I suspect that you are probably reading more into this than need be.
I think it would be advantageous though to help so, if you can re-visit the situation and offer to do something then I would.
| Knaidle wrote: | I got to work this morning and my boss asked me to have a chat with two candidates that he is interviewing. He had put me down on a schedule to talk to one from 10 to 10:30 and the other from 10:30 to 11. I don't know how he expected me to talk to them for HALF AN HOUR. In any case I had a lot planned for today including some things that HAD to get done today. I told him that I would have to not do some of the experiments that I planned if I spoke to these candidates. He replied that he was only asking for an hour. So I started to think in my head how I could fit this chat into my schedule. While I was thinking he just said to me "Fine, I will remove you from the schedule" and then he walked away. I don't know if he is pissed off or if it really is fine. He did not smile or indicate in any way that this really is fine so I think he is upset.
What do I do now? Should I go and tell him that I can squeeze them in during some down time during the experiments? (I really don't want to talk to them but I know it is important). |
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kindofbluenote
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 23, 2007
Posts: 229
Location: Oort Cloud
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 3:42 pm Post subject: |
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You'd be in more trouble if you pissed on your boss...
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O Wonder! How many goodly creatures there are here! How beauteous mankind is! |
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juliekitty
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 26, 2006
Posts: 1687
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| Posted: Tue Feb 12, 2008 10:20 pm Post subject: |
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| ASPIEd wrote: | | I've learned the hard way that the phrase "You need to ..." provokes a strong negative response in most people, even if what you're telling them is absolutely true, factual and objective, and any reasonable person with even a mere smidgen of a brain could understand it if they would only extend their vision beyond the tip of their nose and use their head for its intended purpose and not as just a hat rack ... |
I hear you.
I've also noticed that when people have incorrect information, they take it as a challenge when you offer correct information.
That's one of the things I like about aspies: they're much more likely to say, "Oh, I didn't know that. Thanks." |
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