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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 1964
Location: Middle East
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 Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: People going cold turkey on you |
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Just one of the many ways of being rejected. I despise it. I've had so much of it all my life.
No fight, no argument, nothing. Someone you've been in nice, friendly terms with for some time, one day suddenly and for no apparent reason stops talking to you except for the correct social niceties. You ask, they say ˙ou're just being too sensitive / imagining things / nothing's wrong / nothing's changed.
Then you're left with a lifetime to analyze to death every word you might've said, wrong body language you might've used, wrong impression you may have made.
I never, ever figured out why a person went cold turkey on me. Not a chance in hell I could become good at this "socially appropriate" mind-f***ing guessing-game.
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3570
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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I'll tell you one of the worst examples of this. I knew this woman from a support group I attended. Later, we had the same English class at college. I had her to my house for lunch and on another occasion, to watch movies. This was over a time span of about five years. She invited me to her birthday celebration with about four other people. After that, she quit calling me, ignored my phone calls, etc. I ran into her at a festival, and when I called her name and waved, she hastily waved back, and then turned her back on me. I have never been able to figure out what went wrong. And this is just one of many, many incidents.
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"Always Drink Upstream From the Herd." |
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Detren
Raven
Joined: Feb 08, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 124
Location: in the connection between the ansibles
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: |
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Something like that happened to me too..
Senior Comp I sat beside one of my friends (we were a circle of about 6.) and half through the first semester I realized I forgot a pencil (standard me thing.) I asked her, she was always well prepared, always had at least a BOX of pencils. (I must insert that I ALWAYS return borrowed things.) She ignored me. So the rest of that quarter and for the next 3 quarters I had to sit in the chair next to her and she never did say another word to me.
Ironically, out of the blue she called me 2 years ago. (I graduated in 1997) and she said, "hey, I don't know why we lost contact." I said, "yeah, me either. We were in senior comp and I asked to a borrow a pencil and you didn't talk to me the rest of year." She said "huh... wonder why." I said, "not a clue." she said "oh, I'll talk to you later then." I said, "um okay...." click
no clue... haven't heard from her again. |
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JWRed
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 01, 2007
Age: 37
Posts: 230
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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It should not be a mystery.
It is clear you did something offensive or acted weird. Most likely the latter. They just aren't going to tell you what it is. Do you act like and say the same things as other people? If not, try and and be like them. If your attitude is "I just want to be myself" like every other person on this board, then don't even bother trying to fit in. It won't work.
Change your attitude from "I wish the world understood me." to "I wish I understood the world". |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3570
Location: On a retrograde asteroid
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| JWRed wrote: | It should not be a mystery.
It is clear you did something offensive or acted weird. Most likely the latter. They just aren't going to tell you what it is. Do you act like and say the same things as other people? If not, try and and be like them. If your attitude is "I just want to be myself" like every other person on this board, then don't even bother trying to fit in. It won't work.
Change your attitude from "I wish the world understood me." to "I wish I understood the world". |
Are you an Aspie? I'm not saying this to be mean, but I really don't see how I could (nor why I should) try to be like anyone besides myself. I have qualities and gifts to offer, just like they do. I wouldn't be able to act like them. This is based upon past experiences where I thought I was acting like others, only to come across more weird than ever. What I think I am doing, and what actually comes across is beyond my control. As I grew older, I realized that my self acceptance accelerated in direct proportion to how much I allowed myself to be myself, and no one else.
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"Always Drink Upstream From the Herd." |
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Pithlet
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 20, 2008
Posts: 338
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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This happens with most of my friends eventually. Even if it takes a year or two, it's always sudden, unexpected, and completely baffling to me. They go from being my close friend to being an aquintance overnight. I don't know how to make that kind of transition with a person, so I usually try to avoid them after that if possible. I avoid the places they frequent, even if they are places I like to go to. I don't really like interacting with aquantances anyway unless I like them and I'm sure they like me. When my friends treat me that way, I simply assume they must not like me anymore for whatever reason. I don't try to repair it, they're the ones who gave up on me first without warning. It does hurt my feelings for a while, but I get over it and find something else to be interested in.
And don't take that horrible advice to act like someone your'e not. It's their problem, after all, not yours. Though you do have every right to be hurt and confused, try not to let it depress or discourage you. Every now in then it's possible to make a real friend that won't abandon you for such shallow reasons, and you won't have to pretend to be a different person. If you did have to do that, it would be too hard to keep going anyway. It would be a pretend friendship which can never be meaningful or satisfying. Personally I would get bored with it immediately. |
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Aridarr
the Homicidal Maniac
Joined: Oct 01, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 1293
Location: Over the stars...?
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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| JWRed wrote: | It should not be a mystery.
It is clear you did something offensive or acted weird. Most likely the latter. They just aren't going to tell you what it is. Do you act like and say the same things as other people? If not, try and and be like them. If your attitude is "I just want to be myself" like every other person on this board, then don't even bother trying to fit in. It won't work.
Change your attitude from "I wish the world understood me." to "I wish I understood the world". |
The world is incomprehensible and cannot be understood by anyone. Many people without neurological difficulties have no more intellectual insight into the world (specifically human nature) than those with. It seems to be more a matter of a lack of social instincts caused by/exacerbated by extreme sensitivity to stresses and anxiety than lack of knowledge or insight.
Try to understand the world and you'll lose your mind; a better plan is to try to understand yourself. Find out what you want to do, not what others want (you see, everyone will want something different from you - they will tear you apart like vultures if you allow it. Ever hear the fable off the Donkey, the man and the boy? You can't make everyone happy.) But then again, even that can go horribly wrong.
And I speak directly from experience.
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Effect of Blood Plasma from Psychotic Patients upon Performance of Trained Rats |
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Averick
Anarchic Aberrational Anathema
Joined: Mar 06, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 1971
Location: Sorry, I'm no Jedi.
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 9:50 pm Post subject: |
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I know what you mean, Greentea..
That's why you have myriads of fun ways to channel your aggression and energy on. Don't waste your time trying to second-guess what NT's are telling you - you might as well just surrender yourself to a deep depression. |
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Whisperer
Velociraptor
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 458
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: Re: People going cold turkey on you |
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Happens to me all the time!
| Greentea wrote: |
I never, ever figured out why a person went cold turkey on me. Not a chance in hell I could become good at this "socially appropriate" mind-f***ing guessing-game. |
Today a girl in my grad class ceased to even say hi to me. Last year she had been making a point of sitting besides me and ended up offering to drive me back almost everyday. She had even asked for my number. She always had a boyfriend; so I eventually assumed she just wanted a friend to study with. Towards the end of last year a girl who belongs to a clique that shuns me spoke with her at length and got her to sit at the other end of the class - red flag.
These last classes we said hi to each other though she sat at the other end. Today she downright ignored me (did not even look at me when she used to kiss me like I was friend of her - no one else did). |
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Prof_Pretorius
troubled Soul
Joined: Aug 21, 2006
Age: 50
Posts: 4414
Location: Hiding in the attic of the Arkham Library
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| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 11:12 pm Post subject: |
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I've had this happen, and it's weird. I feel like asking these people 'Did I borrow 20 quid off you, and forget to pay it back?" Because that's how they act, like I'm some deadbeat. Like being "shunned", I just don't get it...
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I wake to sleep, and take my waking slow. I feel my fate in what I cannot fear. I learn by going where I have to go. ~Theodore Roethke |
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markaudette
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 16, 2006
Posts: 680
Location: Middle Tennessee, USA
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: |
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I had a close friend just absolutely disappear on me one day and besides talking to him on the phone day for about 1 minute. After that he just vanished. He moved out of town. Stopped answering his phone. Wouldn't return any e-mails.
There are a few things I play back in my mind that could be the reason we stopped talking. But for the most part I am absolutely confounded as to why he just dropped me. I kept playing it over and over again in my mind for years. And it made me feel terrible as I always think everything is my fault. |
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TrubPotto
Raven
Joined: Mar 13, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 117
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:44 am Post subject: |
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| Story of my life, everyone. I totally feel your pain. I've lost count of how many times a similar situation has occurred with me. But one thing to note - many people in this world (NT, AS, or otherwise) have their own social immaturities, hang-ups, and just plain issues. Sometimes these things are as much about them being irrational and immature as it is you being "weird." I know that, in a way, it doesn't really help, because it hurts your feelings and leaves you bewildered, but I think it's a good way to keep some perspective. Chin up, if they're too self-absorbed not to give you the benefit of the doubt, they weren't worth your time to begin with. And they lost out, big time. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 1964
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:47 am Post subject: |
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I wonder what they discover about us after a while that didn't show at the beginning...!
Hartz, the example you related has happened to me so many times, even with close friends, that nowadays I just expect it to happen. It's the default.
Pithlet, that's how it happens to me too, word by word. Nowadays I've learnt how to pretend I didn't notice the sudden change, I just accomodate to the new situation and don't consider them a friend anymore either. I don't ask why anymore, not them, not myself. I spent my life trying to figure out why, and it only drove me crazy. It's impossible to strike upon the correct guess, and it's very harming, because it makes one question and lose confidence in absolutely every aspect of oneself.
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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JWRed
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 01, 2007
Age: 37
Posts: 230
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:14 pm Post subject: |
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| hartzofspace wrote: |
Are you an Aspie? |
If I wasn't an Aspie, why would I frequent this board?
Yes I am an aspie. Just one with a different attitude than most people on this board. I am older than most of you (36) so I have a lot more experience. I know what does and does not work. 90% of the people on this board are on the wrong path. Embracing this God forsaken disorder is not the path to happiness. |
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Purplefluffychainsaw
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 28, 2005
Age: 19
Posts: 339
Location: Oxford
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| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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This happened to me too. I had a friend in primary school who moved away, and I kept in contact with. Then, when we started (the same) secondary school, she wouldn't talk to me. I guess secondary school was a "new start" that she didn't want me to be part of.
My friend who moved to Australia this summer stopped talking to me too, but I expected that.
| JWRed wrote: | | Yes I am an aspie. Just one with a different attitude than most people on this board. I am older than most of you (36) so I have a lot more experience. I know what does and does not work. 90% of the people on this board are on the wrong path. Embracing this God forsaken disorder is not the path to happiness. |
And denying it is? Pretending I was normal almost killed me.
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