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Social_Fantom
Jinchuuriki
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 13462
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 Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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I do worry about the fact that I might would be overly affectionate but I think I can adjust if it is too much for any aspie woman I may be with. I'm not affectionate with anyone else and haven't had any practice with a woman in a relationship so it will be a learning experience for me. I have a lot of built up affection that I am waiting to pour onto a lucky aspie female. 
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ChukoTheWarlike
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 27, 2008
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 7:49 pm Post subject: |
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Eh, I'm in a developing situation with an AS (really aspie but not because of a technicality on her diagnosis)
For me, it's a much more comfortable situation, and two big reasons are:
1: I never have to worry about whether awkward situations are an issue, because she's awkward too (probably not as much as me)
2: We have a lot of the same interests, so a lot of the time, we can just listen to each other talk. |
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stjarna
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 19, 2008
Posts: 95
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: |
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There will always be exceptions, but...
I think two aspies have a better chance of making it work in the long run. I've had a few girlfriends (all NT) and it never worked out. None of them had any special interests. They never needed alone time. To keep the relationship going I had to give up things I totally depend on for my own well being. I did it for a while but eventually I would just bail out completely exhausted. I'd like to point out that I did not know anything about Asperger's. I only found out I'm an aspie about a year ago or so... Anyway, I think an aspie couple wouldn't run into these problems. Not to the same extent anyway. We all have our various quirks and it's easy for us to understand and accept someone else's. For me personally, just reading this board has convinced me I'd only function with an aspie woman... |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 4855
Location: In the Fortress Of Solitude
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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| stjarna wrote: | There will always be exceptions, but...
I think two aspies have a better chance of making it work in the long run. I've had a few girlfriends (all NT) and it never worked out. None of them had any special interests. They never needed alone time. To keep the relationship going I had to give up things I totally depend on for my own well being. I did it for a while but eventually I would just bail out completely exhausted. I'd like to point out that I did not know anything about Asperger's. I only found out I'm an aspie about a year ago or so... Anyway, I think an aspie couple wouldn't run into these problems. Not to the same extent anyway. We all have our various quirks and it's easy for us to understand and accept someone else's. For me personally, just reading this board has convinced me I'd only function with an aspie woman... |
I have had that happen with NT friends, so I know what you mean.
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself! |
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frankcritic
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 178
Location: United States, AR
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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There is a way I imagine that it might be with an aspie relationship. For the first time in your life, you feel a subtle shift in the wind as you get to know a person. They do not take offense as you step back and mock the world you are not a part of, for they are not a part of it either. This simple knowledge of profound mutual outsider status fills each of you and it means they understand you not in terms of being a beautiful unique snowflake but in terms of being an anathema to society and in terms of the heartbreaking wistful reality of living in a world you cannot ever really be a part of. That profound bonding experience makes you, at last, not alone in this world you've never understood because there's someone else who doesn't understand it either, but they understand you.
-Frank |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 4855
Location: In the Fortress Of Solitude
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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| frankcritic wrote: | There is a way I imagine that it might be with an aspie relationship. For the first time in your life, you feel a subtle shift in the wind as you get to know a person. They do not take offense as you step back and mock the world you are not a part of, for they are not a part of it either. This simple knowledge of profound mutual outsider status fills each of you and it means they understand you not in terms of being a beautiful unique snowflake but in terms of being an anathema to society and in terms of the heartbreaking wistful reality of living in a world you cannot ever really be a part of. That profound bonding experience makes you, at last, not alone in this world you've never understood because there's someone else who doesn't understand it either, but they understand you.
-Frank |
That was beautifully well put!
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself! |
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frankcritic
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 178
Location: United States, AR
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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Well thank you.
I have been in college for eight years now.
Four spent getting a writing degree.
Three spent getting a master's in communication.
This year spent getting the right classes to be a social studies teacher before I actually take the general licensing classes.
So, yeah, I better be able to put things well at this point. I wouldn't be good for much otherwise would I?
-Frank |
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stjarna
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 19, 2008
Posts: 95
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 1:21 am Post subject: |
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| hartzofspace wrote: | | I have had that happen with NT friends, so I know what you mean. |
Sorry to hear that! It is indeed painful for everyone involved. I myself feel incredibly stupid for not realizing I cannot deal with a typical NT relationship sooner. It seems that when NTs start a relationship they almost give up who they were before they met. They quickly (and happily) adapt to their partner and start fresh. Every aspect of their lives are merged together. There is no room for privacy... I cannot change and adapt like that. No way.
@frankcritic - Well said! |
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frankcritic
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 178
Location: United States, AR
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 9:38 am Post subject: |
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This sentiment, welded on me like nickel plating, prevents an NT relationship from ever working. "You will pry my individuality and my free will from my cold dead hands."
-Frank |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:01 am Post subject: |
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| frankcritic wrote: | "You will pry my individuality and my free will from my cold dead hands."
-Frank |
I will? When? |
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frankcritic
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 178
Location: United States, AR
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:07 am Post subject: |
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When I'm dead I presume. You can't expect me to predict when that'll be.
-Frank |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 4855
Location: In the Fortress Of Solitude
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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| stjarna wrote: | | hartzofspace wrote: | | I have had that happen with NT friends, so I know what you mean. |
Sorry to hear that! It is indeed painful for everyone involved. I myself feel incredibly stupid for not realizing I cannot deal with a typical NT relationship sooner. It seems that when NTs start a relationship they almost give up who they were before they met. They quickly (and happily) adapt to their partner and start fresh. Every aspect of their lives are merged together. There is no room for privacy... I cannot change and adapt like that. No way.
@frankcritic - Well said! |
I am remembering NT friendships, where if I just remember to call and ask after their wellbeing, they immediately start trying to make plans to "get together." I had to ask one woman to please stop doing that. I explained that it made me feel pressured. I couldn't understand why they just couldn't accept a phone call as good enough. A lot of NT's treat the phone as some inferior mode of communication, with the premise that face to face is better. For me, face to face is far more exhausting.
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Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself! |
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Tohlagos
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 26, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 1143
Location: Boise, ID
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Frank,
I have read over your posts and -for the moment- have a few things to discuss.
1: You feel that one of the main points in your situation in not having a relationship involves a difference in communication, correct?
2: You have not dated an "aspie female" and hope that if such a situation was created it would be more efficient (let alone successful) than an AS/NT one because both parties would field similar attributes, correct?
3: You are frustrated by the fact that your gifts/attributes are not appreciated by female NT's you have encountered, correct?
If... if I am correct in my above observation, please allow me to share a possible avenue - or at the very least give you some ideas that you may be able to adapt/enhance to future events.
You have two wonderful gifts: an intelligent mind and the capability to write. Writing is a form of communication (as you no doubt), but have you considered that perhaps it is possible for you to use your writing in any future interactions with a female (NT or AS) as a tool to express yourself or as a method to allow a female to communicate back? The example you gave, gave me the impression that approaching you in a verbal manner is not efficient for someone who does not understand AS. Having options always helps. Therefore, do you think that if the verbal is a failure, that a backup of written is plausible in at least some situations?
I am only brainstorming here and I must excuse myself for not being more concrete in example for the simple fact I do not know you. Writing may not be the right answer, or even an option.
Simple is good. The more complex something is, the higher the chance of breakdown. This applies not only to machines, but also strategies and concepts. Humans cover all these areas.
All aspies are different. They vary in their symptoms as well as everything else. You may walk into a room with, say five aspie women and not get along with any of them. The next room may have five NT women and you may get along with two of them.
Frank, I wish I could be more of a benefit, but as of this moment, I can't. I do hope that something I mentioned, at least inspires a new thought in your mind.
Cool beans dude.  |
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frankcritic
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 178
Location: United States, AR
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: |
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Not all aspie women are compatible with me. Logically, I would have been asked out by now by someone on this board who is age appropriate and distance appropriate were that true. So I'm not thinking that. It's merely more likely. Also the whole aspie woman thing is partly because I feel more comfortable trusting an aspie woman than I would an NT woman. Less emotional, less prone to deception or at least less good at it. These are general qualities that form the basis of that assumption. Even if they're untrue in a particular aspie woman I'd try and date, the benefit of being able to let myself trust her would still be present. With NT women, it's much harder. I'm just, metaphorically, standing there with a whip and a chair going, "Okay...we're going to try this dating each other thing. No funny business. If you try anything, thing one, I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my back throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. When it begins, you will hear the sound of children screaming-as though from a great distance. A smoking orb of nothing will grow above your bed, and from it will emerge a thousand starving crows. As i slip through the widening maw in my new form, you will catch only a glimpse of my radiance before you are incinerated. Then, as tears of bubbling pitch stream down my face, my dark work will begin. I will open one of my six mouths and I will sing the song that ends the earth." Apologies to Gabe and Tycho.
Obviously, it's good if that scenario can be avoided.
As to the writing thing, it's why IMs are the best thing since sliced bread. They can get a bit annoyed that I write in complete sentences and can, you know, write in proper English, but other than that it works better.
-Frank |
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stjarna
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 19, 2008
Posts: 95
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:56 am Post subject: |
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| hartzofspace wrote: |
I am remembering NT friendships, where if I just remember to call and ask after their wellbeing, they immediately start trying to make plans to "get together." I had to ask one woman to please stop doing that. I explained that it made me feel pressured. I couldn't understand why they just couldn't accept a phone call as good enough. A lot of NT's treat the phone as some inferior mode of communication, with the premise that face to face is better. For me, face to face is far more exhausting. |
I can totally relate to this. I too feel very pressured when old friends call suggesting we should get together. Oh well. I can't blame them for being inconsiderate since I have only told a select few about my AS and OCD. I guess I should just tell them but we have little in common these days and it would be too embarrassing. Know what I mean? It's not enough to just say I have this and that. It would take a lot of explaining and I can't bring myself to do it.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just a coward.  |
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