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mariposa
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 30, 2008
Posts: 43
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 Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:04 pm Post subject: Has anyone blamed your PARENTING for your child's ASD? |
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I have several in-laws who think that my kids' hyperactivity and fussiness when they were younger (when they were birth to five they cried a LOT, could not remain calm in groups/noisy places, would often not eat) was caused by ME. They think that the kids have an ATTACHMENT DISORDER, which is like a slap in the face to me. They do not know me well, and only have seen the kids during very occasional visits at family reunions, etc.
When my husband and I went through a separation, they testified at custody depositions that they thought that the kids had an attachment disorder, because the kids fussed a lot when I was around. (the kids fussed even more when I wasn't around-- I but they wouldn't admit that--- I know it is a fact, because my husband came back and wanted to move bck in because, he said, the kids were too fussy to handle, and that only I knew how to "handle them." So I KNOW I was doing something right!
Has anyone gone through this? Being blamed for the ASD symptoms?
I am trying to decide whether or not to tell them about the DX's, now that I have them. I don't know if it would help. I am still hurting over how mean they were at the depositions. |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Who do these people think they are? They are qualified to diagnosis a attachment disorder? They don't know you well and have seen your kids only occasionally and yet still feel they have the right to make a blanket statement like that - the nerve of ignorant, misinformed people just ticks me off. Everybody is an expert!
Are you ever going to see these people again? If so, now that you have the kids tell them about the dx and maybe they will "get it" and maybe they won't - some people never will. You know the situation better than I but if I had to see them again I would definitely let them know (in a nice way- it would be hard for me!) what is really going on with the kids.
Yes, people have thought that my son's problems are not related to aspergers but rather to the fact that he is an only child, that I am a SAHM (you're with him too much") and "he's not around other kids enough".
I take all of these foolish comments with a grain of salt because I always consider the source. The comments are from people whose knowledge of autism comes solely from the movie "Rainman" and have no interest in hearing the reality of what it truly is, so I let it slide.
Glad you have your kids! |
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sinagua
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 29, 2007
Posts: 368
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:41 pm Post subject: |
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I would hazard to guess that most parents of children on the spectrum (especially with AS and/or ADHD) have been accused/suspected of being at fault, of somehow causing their child's anomalous/inconvenient/bewildering behaviors. I personally felt horrible whenever we'd visit my family (I live several states away) and my son would, well, be who he is. The LOOKS I got, I can assure you, were like grim death. The same people would tell me I wasn't strict enough with him, then tell me I was TOO strict, in the SAME CONVERSATION. ?!
Meanwhile, I observed my young nephew (raised by these family members) running from his mother into traffic, actively enjoying hurting any small animal he came into contact with, screaming, hitting my son, spitting in his face, telling him "IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouIhateyouI'mgoingtokillyou" until my son sobbed and screamed and THEN they accused MY SON of being TOO SENSITIVE!!!
And totally excused the other boy's behaviors because "Aw, he's just a little boy." They'd either totally ignore his behaviors, OR threaten to take a belt to him. 
I love my family. I do. I know they're only doing the best they know how.
And they haven't seen me or my son since that last visit. And they won't ever again, unless it's a situation where we are surrounded by the supportive, understanding segment of my family and our supportive, understanding friends. So they can all help me explain to my "non-understanding" family members why they are so very deeply WRONG.
Also, to be honest, I was actually deeply disturbed and frightened by my nephew's behavior, and now he has a little sister, and from what I've heard the parenting styles haven't changed, and she might even be like her brother now. (I've heard that he tried to hurt her more than once.)
It's so hard not to act/react out of emotion and anger and HURT. I know, because I'm obviously still struggling mightily with that myself. If I were you, I might collect all the documentation I have about my child's dx, including information from his doctor and anyone else who's working with him, and maybe a list of books on the subject, perhaps with certain sections highlighted - and share all that with the "problem relatives." If, after that, they still don't "get it," walk away. Don't look back. It's probably indicative of larger issues with them, and their general attitudes. You're better off without people who bring you down.
Best of luck.  |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 3124
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 3:31 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, school teacher made point of saying my son was totally calm after i left, implying that his resignation to being there and passing the time as invisibly, and in fact totally silently as possible, ( his class teacher admitted that he almost never spoke, in all the 3-4 weeks he was there), was not a perfectly logical reaction to understanding that once I'd left he had to stay at school for the rest of the day, but was instead a sign of how much my presence disturbed him.
Like oh yes, ( sarcasm) he screams and shrieks and cries and hits all the time at home just like at the school gates trying to escape from the teacher's grasp.
Yes, the speech therapists and headteacher accusing me of "fusional" relationship with son, largely because he didn't like them, or want to go to school. It is obvious that it must be the mothers fault if a child doesn't like school.  School being such a wonderful place that one would have to be maladjusted not to like it. 
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something" |
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Mikomi
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Posts: 781
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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I had my mother-in-law say I probably just needed to spend more time with my kids (I'm a stay at home mom), work more with them (I taught my non-verbal son sign language and I spend a ton of time reading up on OT, PT and speech to help them, and it's working) and that maybe we were just "spoiling" them. Oh, and she said they needed to run outside and "burn off their energies" more. So, yeah.
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Curiosity is not a mental illness. |
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AnnieDog
Snowy Owl
Joined: Apr 02, 2008
Posts: 134
Location: New England
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I've been blamed, accused, and looked at funny. I think being a parent is thickening my skin. I am learning to not care what you think about the funny way my kid dresses, what he does, or what he says. I know he's OK. (Although I still live in fear of DSS or another legal proceeding because I'm sure it looks strange to the outside.) Two happy (snarky) anecdotes:
On Monday, I took my son grocery shopping (because I have a death wish). He rode on the bottom of the cart, skimming his hands along the floor. He was perfectly happy and quiet so long as I didn't mess with him. Several people asked me if I knew if he was down there, if I knew what he was doing. No, my cart is steering strangely because some other person's kid just climbed on.
My mother-in-law blamed me for my child screaming during his first Christmas dinner. He was misbehaving and unfriendly and he must have gotten that from me because my husband was such a happy baby. (Ha!) He was 3 months old, it was 65+ degrees out, they had the heat on and the wood stove burning, and the dining room was packed. She put my kid in a tacky sweater. I swear it was over 90-degrees. I took him upstairs, stripped him to his diaper and opened a window - he shut right up. Of course then I was being anti-social and teaching it to my infant. 
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Apologies if I sound judgmental, preachy, dictatorial, offensive or overly rigid. Constructive criticism via PM is welcome. |
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DietCoke
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 29, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankfully no quite the opposite in most cases as my family are very understanding TBH I sometimes am the worst person to blame my parenting |
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jat
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 30, 2008
Posts: 134
Location: Pennsylvania
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:31 pm Post subject: |
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My daughter and I (me mostly) were blamed for my grandson going mute at school - it couldn't have been that he felt safe with me; it couldn't have been that when I was there it was Halloween and there was a parade of all the kids in the entire school, with loud "music" played by kids
When my daughter was little, my mother would tell me how I was messing up - I expected too much from her, I was too strict, I did everything wrong. So one time when I was visiting her (we lived several states away, so a visit was necessarily for several days at a time), when she told me how I was messing up, I told her she was absolutely right, that I had no idea what I was doing, and that since she clearly knew much better than I did, she could take full responsibility for my daughter while we were there.  She stuttered a bit, said "no, no" and didn't say another word about my parenting!  |
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mariposa
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Apr 30, 2008
Posts: 43
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: Thanks for the replies! |
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| Thanks for the help on that. I feel better now. I am afraid that if I share the DX they will either say am exaggerating, or that I shopped for dr's til I got a dx, or that I CAUSED the autism. One relative is a recreational therapist-- of the Bachelor Degree variety- so she has just enough knowledge to make her dangerous, but not enough to pull her out of ignorance. |
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sinagua
Deinonychus
Joined: Nov 29, 2007
Posts: 368
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 8:12 pm Post subject: Re: Thanks for the replies! |
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| mariposa wrote: | | Thanks for the help on that. I feel better now. I am afraid that if I share the DX they will either say am exaggerating, or that I shopped for dr's til I got a dx, or that I CAUSED the autism. One relative is a recreational therapist-- of the Bachelor Degree variety- so she has just enough knowledge to make her dangerous, but not enough to pull her out of ignorance. |
Oh hey - they may still think you're nuts. But if you share the dx AND share support from your physician/therapist/etc that can be helpful. Again, though - it's no guarantee. Be prepared that you can't ultimately control how they regard this, or how they behave.
And I have a few of those "just enough knowledge to make him/her dangerous" types in my family, too.
They only have power over you if you let them. |
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3333
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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My dad has a cousin who thinks he and my mother caused me to be this way. She has told me I would be so much of a better person if my parents were better parents. I think she has told my mother that too because she also knows she thinks of that crap.
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DW_a_mom
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 1002
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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Before my son was diagnosed ASD, his preschool insisted we attend family counseling or they would kick him out. They most definitely blamed me and the way I was handling him for his "issues" at school. Thankfully, the counselor they sent us to did not. While she still missed the ASD, she concluded the school environment was wrong for my child, and we were perfect
I think my parents and many others have wondered if it was my parenting, but tactfully kept quiet. Now that we have a diagnosis, while they may at times wonder or doubt, they know they have to step back because it is something they just don't "get." I do often get statements about how "looking back" they can see how I "was right" about something all along, so I know (a) they are learning but (b) they most definitely doubted me before. Still, I guess that's about the best I can hope for, so I'll take it.
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Avatar copyright DW's Studio |
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megparker
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: Baltimore, MD, USA
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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"The same people would tell me I wasn't strict enough with him, then tell me I was TOO strict, in the SAME CONVERSATION."
Boy, I get that all the time. My family is, thankfully, pretty understanding at this point, but there are always strangers in the supermarket, etc, who want to eductate me about what I'm doing wrong.
The only thing I get from family members is that many of them didn't want to believe he was autistic. Occasioanlly my grandmother will go on some rant about how back in her day, it wasn't called autism if someone was just a little different. I have to remind her that the label gets him the services that help him, but I know that she's really trying to say that we're imagining it all.
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Meg
mom to two chatty NTs and one perfect PDD-NOS guy. |
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Odin
Supreme Genius
Joined: Oct 13, 2006
Age: 22
Posts: 1885
Location: Moorhead, Minnesota, USA
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 9:20 am Post subject: |
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My mom was accused of this constantly. IMO it seems like people assume kids are "blank slates."
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My Blog: http://selzshaven.blogspot.com |
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nomnom_hamster
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 08, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 205
Location: USA
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| Posted: Wed May 07, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: Re: Has anyone blamed your PARENTING for your child's ASD? |
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| mariposa wrote: | I have several in-laws who think that my kids' hyperactivity and fussiness when they were younger (when they were birth to five they cried a LOT, could not remain calm in groups/noisy places, would often not eat) was caused by ME. They think that the kids have an ATTACHMENT DISORDER, which is like a slap in the face to me. They do not know me well, and only have seen the kids during very occasional visits at family reunions, etc.
When my husband and I went through a separation, they testified at custody depositions that they thought that the kids had an attachment disorder, because the kids fussed a lot when I was around. (the kids fussed even more when I wasn't around-- I but they wouldn't admit that--- I know it is a fact, because my husband came back and wanted to move bck in because, he said, the kids were too fussy to handle, and that only I knew how to "handle them." So I KNOW I was doing something right!
Has anyone gone through this? Being blamed for the ASD symptoms?
I am trying to decide whether or not to tell them about the DX's, now that I have them. I don't know if it would help. I am still hurting over how mean they were at the depositions. |
Take the dxs and show them. If they can "prove" (how they would do that, i don't know) that the children have separation disorder, then the dad will most likely get custody. People do this because of the natural belief that the mothers in custody battles usually get the children. Again, if the idiots can "prove" that the children have separation anxiety, then the dad will get custody.
And that would be stupid, considering that he doesn't know how to handle when they're having meltdowns...
(K...can't seem to find anything by googling it. It would be easier if I could figure out how to search a page for certain words on firefox...alas, I can't remember how to do that...)
Anyways, I saw it on the news, or I read it in a newspaper. |
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