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whatamess
Velociraptor
Joined: Aug 28, 2007
Posts: 436
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 Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:56 am Post subject: |
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Yes, my MOTHER thinks this...it would be nice if it was my mother-in-law, I don't much see her or talk to her anyway...but instead it's my mother...well, of course, I'm seeing less and less of her and talking less and less to her...argh#$%#$%#%
Funny, but after all the accusing, she actually once said to me when we moved back to the states (we lived outside the country for 4 years), "when your son is older I'm going to ask him why he hated living out of the country so much..."...hmmm...what the HECK is that supposed to mean? Could it be that his grandmother, grandfather, cousins, etc...were in the states and he just missed them??? Of course, after moving back to the US, and within 10 minutes of her house for two months, now my son wants to go back to where we came from and constantly says he misses his "grandma", which is actually my grandma, he misses our neighbor and anytime we are at my mother's house and I tell him we're leaving, he is perfectly happy...Finally today she said, "he really likes your place"...THANK GOD! For at least the last two years since his diagnosis she has done nothing short of telling me that I abuse my child with diets, blah, blah...of course, all approved/prescribed, etc...ps. her diet for my son is allowing him to have as much candy, coke, mac and cheese, chips, crap, crap, crap...even the milk that I have SHOWN HER allergy tests done that he is allergic to it...go figure... |
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flowergal
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 37
Posts: 58
Location: Peaceful Countryside, USA
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:15 am Post subject: |
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Oh yes, my family plays the blame game. My Mother in law is coming around though, she actually will talk to me now about my sons appointments whereas before she would sort of blow us off or just say "he's a boy, he'll grow out of it."
I have other in-laws in my family with whom I am an out-law with. Only because I will stand up to them, and they hate it. They think my kids (oldest 2) are too sensitive and emotional and that is because I homeschool them. I throw it back at them because they have perfect kids who never made mistakes (I will not get into their mistakes because it will cause a ruckus here on the board).
Right now we are considering having our oldest dtr (9) evaluated for AS and we are experiencing the whole "I don't think that could be possible" thing from my family. BUT, they do not live with my dtr. They only see her occasionally, and even then we have issues. I think people, esp in families don't like to admit that their could be a problem, sometimes.
What I think has warmed up my MIL's heart is that she is realizing she has a son (my BIL) that most likely has AS, but back then no one tested for it and there was little intervention for children. I am lucky, she even tries to give my son "healthy" food when she is watching him, she is trying to read up on TS and AS as well.....now I have to get my own mom to do it. 
I think parents will always be under the gun so to speak. But as long as we know the truth about what our children are dealing with.....then that is all that matters, everyone else will come to the truth in their own sweet time and if they don't, oh well.
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"When life brings you to your knees, you are in a good position to pray!" |
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nlj
Hummingbird
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:05 pm Post subject: |
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We took our son to a therapist for a year - and that therapist thought the kid had an attachment disorder b/c his bio mom isn't in the picture. Which, of course, makes sense even. But now we think Asperger's is the real deal. Plus, we've had IEP after IEP and not one of the "professionals" recognized signs of AS.
AS kids can display symptoms that are very similar to attachment disorders. Though usually attachment is found in kids who are separated from their parents in a more permanent manner - for example, orphans or foster parents.
I would try to talk to your in-laws - but if your husband can help or initiate the conversation, even better.
Still, I wouldn't get your expectations up. They're going to have a hard time admitting their wrong.
Move on and raise your children, helping them to embrace their AS. As your children grow, and continue to love you in their own unique way, they won't appreciate anyone disapproving of your parenting - especially since you'll be one of the few people in the world to "get" them. |
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Belfast
Vast Ambivalence
Joined: Jul 18, 2005
Age: 35
Posts: 1560
Location: New England
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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Disclaimer-am not a parent (but thread title grabbed my attention).
Growing up-and even, I admit, into adulthood, I blamed my mother (and her parents for making her how she was, because they drove me crazy too) for many of my problems. I had no other notion of who to blame, how to explain her (turns out, she was bipolar but I never knew) nor how I was (definitely "not quite right", but no one came up with ASD 'til I was 30 !).
You can see how blaming her (on my part) was inadvertent, a default (lack of alternative framework). Now I no longer blame her (she's deceased), because I've learned much more about heredity, genes, biology, neurology, etc.
Strange, also-that one feature I definitely never blamed her for (though I couldn't understand why I was this way, just knew it had nothing to do with her or anyone else's actions towards me) was the one thing most people noticed as odd about me, and that others would blame her for: my food issues. Have narrow tastes & loathe most food, for sensory reasons-yet my whole life, people would attribute this to my mother messing me up, or to my being a bad kid.
So, no, I don't think it's fair or accurate for others to assume they know your real situation, from their outside vantage points.
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*"You cannot administer a wicked law impartially-it destroys everyone it touches, its violators as well as its upholders."* |
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lisa81
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 606
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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yes my mother and sister claim if I read "more", spoke "more" paid attention "more" he'd talka nd stuff early and not have autism...
If I get anymore hands on with my son.... I will have to be attached to his hip.
They don't see behind the lines.... all the hours and years I spent talking, reading and singing to him to help him become verbal.... and it paid off so yea they shut up  |
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EvilTeach
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Mar 15, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 198
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:28 pm Post subject: This is a repeat, but it is so true..... Try this story out |
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My favorite way of dealing with experts is to relate the following story.
"I was at the pool on Saturday, and there was this BOY! He was running around the pool, and jumping in and splashing and just bothering people. *SIGH* then he got out, and ran over to his mother. I suppose she must be a bad mother that she can't keep her little boy Johnny under control."
Generally at that point they agree with me.
"Then I saw little Susie. She was there in the pool playing nicely with one of her girl friends, in a cute blue two piece swim suit. She plays very nicely. I bet she has a 'good' mom."
Generally the laugh and agree.
"Next thing I see, Susie gets out of the pool and runs over to her mom.
She is Johnnys sister.
What should I think about that?" |
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catspurr
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 16, 2008
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:14 pm Post subject: |
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Is there such a thing as cool in-laws? They always seem to go against the mother.
I wasn't really blamed but I'm treated as though I don't know what I'm talking about and it seems to be a taking sides issue. My side of the family however who does have autism understands exactly what is going on.
I feel like it's a tug of war. |
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dadman
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 18, 2008
Posts: 87
Location: way too close to Pat Robertson
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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My wife & I took my mother in after my dad died, and it took a while for me to catch on, but she was making life miserable for my wife with insinuations and slights. One of the worst things though was her denial of my sons aspergers and our efforts to help him. She implied we were overly concerned, worrying about nothing. Other relatives echoed the same thinking, "he's fine", you just need to _____(fill in the blank). Then, when your child starts having obvious problems these "experts" will tell you that you're not disciplining enough. My sister-in-law was one of these disciplinarians, her two sons ended up doing jail time. It's often the same story with the schools - they don't get it, and some don't even want to try, they've made up their mind they know more than you and they won't budge. At the elementary school my son attended, the principle, when given my son's diagnosis, responded "well, you can pay a doctor to say anything".
Its maddening, but it goes with the territory. Sometimes even your own family will let you down. Focus on your kids, learn to be an advocate, and don't back down. You'll feel better eventually and your kids will learn valuable lessons.
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My software's
not compatible with you - Neil Young,
"Pictures in My Mind" |
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Tortuga
Velociraptor
Joined: Dec 12, 2007
Posts: 437
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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| My family has been supportive The school system was not. They frequently accused me of not being strict enough at home. Some people have described my son as "spoiled". I just don't really care what other people think anymore. I have my own opinions about how they parent their developmentally typical children. |
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