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DazzleKitty
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 61
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 Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: Am I wrong? |
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Dunno if any of you remember any of the previous posts I've made but just to give you some background info, I'm an NT female who is currently dating a guy with Aspergers. I started to date him last summer but then broke up with him in January. We recently got back together again but I am starting to hate myself for giving him another chance.
I try to stay open-minded to his Aspie traits because I know he can't help some things. He does try to a small extent to tone down some of his flaws, though I know he can't completely change and I accept that. But damn....some of the things he does, like what he did this weekend,really piss me off.
With out work schedules, we can only see each other one night/day a week. He works Mon-Fri. I work most days of the week and always on Saturday. He usually has me come over on Saturday night after work to stay the night and spend Sunday together. I have made attempts to see him more than just on weekends by making some suggests of things we could work out, but he never takes me up on the offers. So I was kinda looking forward to seeing him on Saturday since I only get to see him once a week.
Well, there is some more background info I need to explain before I get to the next part. He has a friend who is a complete moron. I am always nice to this friend and try to talk to him and be courteous, but he DOESN'T like me for some reason. My brother has told me that lots of guys dislike their friend's girlfriends, and that certainly falls true for him. Me, my mom, and my boyfriend's mom all realized that when my boyfriend befriended him, things started to fall apart between us fast. We all think he is influencing my boyfriend not to see me. After all, this friend is a complete loser who is jobless, refuses to learn how to drive, and is extremely lazy. My boyfriend gives him rides everywhere and buys him all his food. He even sees him three or more nights each week. It's fine that they are friends. After all, I believe it's wrong to tell your bf/gf they can't spend time with their friends, even if you dislike them. I have a friend he dislikes and I make sure they never have to see each other. But about 80% of the time when I am invited over to my boyfriend's house, that dumbshit is there. I don't mind it every now and then...but not all the time! I have told my boyfriend that I am sure his friend dislikes me and I would rather not be around him, but he refuses to listen.
Well, this Saturday I was hoping it would just be me and him spending the night together. I text him but don't here back from him, so I hope he invites me over later when I get off work. I never hear from him, so I text him what he's up to tonight. He says he's having a guys night out with this friend! I was instantly furious. He sees this guy SEVERAL times a week and the ONE night a week he gets to see his girlfriend, he is having a guys night out with him. It's stupid! Why would he do that? I only ask for one night out of his week, but I guess his friend is too precious to him. I asked him how he would feel if I had chosen to have a girls night out on the one night a week I can see him, and he said he wouldn't care at all. This is why I dumped him before. It's like I am not valued and he doesn't give a rat's arse whether he sees me at all. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who misses him. His mom told me when I dumped him before, he cried very hard and was heartbroken. I am thinking she mistook it as heartbreak when it was really his pride that was injured.
Am I wrong for being angry? I feel like I have the right to be, or am I being petty? I haven't heard from him at all since Saturday night because we fought, and I am thinking about never contacting him again because I am so pissed.
On the contrary, I feel I need to stick with him because I won't find anyone else. I'm overweight and not very pretty. I've had rotten luck with other guys so I don't know what I should do. Be lonely or stay with someone who is a jerk?
Any comments or suggestions? |
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velodog
Gold Supporter
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 1251
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:29 am Post subject: |
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| If a woman did that to me I would write her off. edit: I just noticed the bottom of your post where you mention being overweight and not very pretty. Don't get treated like a doormat because of that. You are pretty young, so it would benefit you to lose some weight in terms of health and finding a man who won't treat you like crap. I don't know what you look like but some make up and the right hairstyle could make the most of what you have. Ask other women who you trust to work with you. If you continue to settle for a sh** sandwich your whole life will suck. If I recall correctly, your boyfriend has piss poor (nonexistent) hygiene and dresses like a homeless bum, even when you ask him to dress nice to meet your family. Do the right thing. |
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nontrivial
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 15, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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DazzleKitty - I'm usually more than eager to stick up for an Aspie who needs defending, but your boyfriend does not qualify in this case. AS is no excuse for bad behavior. If your boyfriend won't accommodate your need for alone time with him - a basic need in any serious relationship - he's not holding up his end of the bargain.
One thing I do want to point out is that it's very important that you make clear what you need from him, and tell him this directly. It won't do much good to just be upset with him and not tell him why - if he's not "tuned in," he won't figure out why you're upset. I realize you've probably had this discussion with him already - I'm throwing this in here just in case you haven't.
If, after that, you still feel like you're doing all the work in this relationship and getting nothing out of it, treat him like you would any boyfriend, Aspie or not, and dump him. It is true that AS can make it very difficult to negotiate a relationship (I've tried it), and any leeway you can give your boyfriend is a gracious gesture on your part, but a relationship is not a welfare program. You sound like a very devoted partner, and you deserve someone who is similarly devoted. |
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Dokken
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 203
Location: Merryland
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: |
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So, you're mad because your boyfriend is not all about you? Are you mad that he hangs out with his only friend that appears to like him? You sound controlling and like the jealous type.
He dresses like a bum or not to your satisfaction? If you are getting annoyed by your boyfriends behaviors why don't you just dumb him and get on with life...
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Ever wonder why fund managers can't beat the S&P 500? 'Cause they're sheep, and sheep get slaughtered. |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1876
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 6:23 am Post subject: Re: Am I wrong? |
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| DazzleKitty wrote: |
On the contrary, I feel I need to stick with him because I won't find anyone else. I'm overweight and not very pretty. I've had rotten luck with other guys so I don't know what I should do. Be lonely or stay with someone who is a jerk?
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You are an interesting one Dazzle.
Being with someone because you are affraid you won't find anyone else is not a good reason to be with someone.
If you think he is a jerk then you don't like him then???
I remember reading your previous posts about his clothing. It doesn't matter what someone looks like it is what they are like on the inside, thinking that way is really shallow. You are thinking really shallow about yourself saying that you are overweight and not very pretty.  |
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deadeyexx
Raven
Joined: Sep 11, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 12:03 pm Post subject: |
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Well, it seems to me that you have a hard time accepting things the way they are and continue to make a futile attempt at a relationship that isn't meant to be. As bad as you make your bf's friend sound, he's clearly getting more out of his friendship with him than his relationship with you. There could be any number of reasons for this.
Maybe he has more in common with his friend than he does with you. Maybe his friend talks him up a lot & bolsters his ego. Or maybe he feels you pressure him too much to be something he isn't where his friend is more care free. I'm not the expert here, just throwing ideas out. lol
Anyway, you've got to see that you won't get what you're looking for out of your bf, & it's time to move on. Also, get rid of that attitude that you're undesirable & you'll have a hard time finding somebody else. Anyone's gunna shy away from someone feeling in such need of approval. In fact, you're insecurity & the whole idea that you think you need a bf at any cost is probably at the root of a problem |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3063
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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DazzleKitty,
Your boyfriend isn't likely to pick up on what's going on by himself and I'm willing to bet that you haven't been as direct with him as you have been here.
I still make stupid mistakes like this with my wife - fortunately she knows how to correct me.
This worked when we were going out.
Give him a rule to "Keep the Saturday night FREE for the Girlfriend". Nothing else happens on Satruday night. You can do things with your mates every other night - but not on Saturday.
For the first few weeks you might have to do a bit of reminding but make it clear that this is a rule.
Also - make it clear that you're happy to go out with him and his mates on nights that aren't Saturday but that Saturday is "just you and him".
Write it down if you have to, or set up an alarm on his mobile.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Who_Am_I
Caffeine-Powered Human-Type Thing
Joined: Aug 28, 2005
Age: 24
Posts: 3216
Location: My body is in Brisbane and my mind is in the gutter. :D
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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No, I don't think you are wrong for being angry in this situation.
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I don't dislike humans, I just don't want them to inhabit the same planet as me. |
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DazzleKitty
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 21, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 61
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 10:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Dokken wrote: | So, you're mad because your boyfriend is not all about you? Are you mad that he hangs out with his only friend that appears to like him? You sound controlling and like the jealous type.
He dresses like a bum or not to your satisfaction? If you are getting annoyed by your boyfriends behaviors why don't you just dumb him and get on with life... |
This rather irritates me. Is it so wrong to want to see my boyfriend at least ONCE a week? Or should I be satisfied with once every other week or a month? I am NOT jealous at all. I liked his friend at first but since his friend decided to dislike me for reasons unknown to me, I got very irritated with him. I rather liked the dude at first but whenever he is constantly around and clearly shows he dislikes me, then of course I don't want him around. How can I be jealous when I only ask for one night a week to be alone with my boyfriend? That's not asking much at all. Hell, he doesn't even contact me all week and I usually have to contact him in order to hang out. He totally ignores my existance all week until Saturday night, and I have to text him first usually. And all week, he sees his friend almost everyday. It's like he has to be with him constantly.
I really hate having a guy that only sees me once a week. If you REALLY like someone, you want to be with them all the time. I feel like I miss him but he doesn't really miss me, and that makes me sad.
And I will say I still firmly believe that dressing nice on occasion is not shallow. He was going to a somewhat formal family event of mine at Christmas dressed in dirty, baggy shorts and an old t-shirt. I hardly ever rag him about it except once in a while. He tells me how to to dress and tells me to do other certain things to my body and I do it for him. I think I am entitled to a little in return, if only once in a while. If you dress like a slob all the time, people WILL get a bad impression of you. That's just how people are. Same with his hygeine. If he doens't shower for three or so days, I don't want him near me because he stinks and his hair is so greasy, it clumps together.
But I am not saying I'm perfect. I've tried damn hard to lose weight for him and got 30 pounds off, but my depression has made me put about 13 pounds back on. Most guys don't want a fat girl, even guys with Aspergers. What can I do? Some of you may think it's shallow of me to think I am fat and ugly, but the sad truth is, people DO view me as that way and I won't find another guy unless I change my looks. I've been single for years because of my appearance. Most people will try to get someone who is attractive and fit rather than a fatass like me. It is my fault I'm fat, and I know it. I don't exercise self-control and I know I could help myself if I wanted to. I'm just too selfish.
Lots of people think it's bad to want a boyfriend at any cost and I'm silly enough to settle for anything I can get. I get lonely easily. Having this boyfriend really curbed that loneliness a bit, especially in the beginning when things were going well. I was so happy at that time.
And I usually go here and bitch about my problems rather than face him. I usually just let him do what he wants, and I think that's another flaw....I guess I sometimes expect him to just know what he did wrong. Typical woman, eh? But in this certain case, I figured it should be really obvious.
In the beginning of the relationship, things were great. We saw each other several times a week, spent the night at each others houses, had lots of great talks. But as soon as he befriended his friend, things went downhill. Perhaps he does like his friend more than me and there is no room for me? And again, to the person who said I am jealous, I said in my post that I am NOT trying to take his friends away. I asked for just one night a week without the friend there. Is that so bad whenever this friend dislikes me? I don't try to stop him from hanging out with his friend when I am not around. He has a right to have his friend. I just don't want him there all the time when we have our together time. It's like having a third person constantly stopping you from having alone time and intimacy. My boyfriend won't kiss me when his friend is around. We don't get that anymore because my boyfriend always HAS to have him with us, and even wants him to stay overnight with the two of us on Saturday night. How the hell is this relationship supposed to develop with him there all the time? It's not jealousy at all - it's common sense.
Whenever I am direct and honest, my boyfriend gets pissed. He says I am criticizing him and trying to change him. I am not trying to criticize him to be mean. After all, I've put up with a LOT over the times I've dated him. I've let him jokingly call me a fatass in public all the time, let him humiliate the sh** out of me in front of my friends and make me cry (and he never apologized), he yelled at me for coming over one night because he was in a bad mood and decided he wanted me to leave after I drove 45 minutes to get there..... Everyone has told me to dump him because of this, but I still like him and think I am being narrow-minded and discriminative toward Aspies if I don't accept this. But maybe I'm really not cut out for being with him?
Again, I am not trying to sound like I am perfect in this, but I don't want to be the bad guy. It's true I've pressured him into doing some things and I wish I hadn't. I also should have been more direct with him from the beginning rather than letting some things slide.
I am not sure if I should contact him again or not. We are both extremely stubborn. If I don't contact him first, I know I'll never hear from him again. That's just the way he is. But I think my stubborness this time is gonna keep me from trying again, because I am really pissed at him, even if I'm overreacting (which i probably am).
But thank you all for your comments, and I do appreciate the constructive criticism I've gotten too. |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3063
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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DazzleKitty,
There's some stuff you can change in yourself too. My wife is big (it's not PC to use the F word). She has always been that way and I've always loved her - and still do.
If there's one major quality she has that upsets me, it's her potential for self harm. No, I don't mean cutting. I mean, picking on herself. She tends to say that people hate her for being fat etc... when it's really that she's being unnecessarily cruel and judgemental about herself.
It wasn't until I was much older that I realised that I'm actually attracted to larger women. Their faces are always prettier, their personalities are always more fun-loving and their cuddles are heaps better. I seriously doubt that I'm the only person with this view.
Don't stay in the relationship because you feel that there's nowhere else you can go. That's the wrong reason.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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Dokken
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Age: 28
Posts: 203
Location: Merryland
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| Posted: Mon May 05, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: |
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Umm... You should probably just dump him. It seems he isn't that fond of you. Considering, he never calls you to see how you're doing and what not. Just stop talking to him and everything will be great
_________________
Ever wonder why fund managers can't beat the S&P 500? 'Cause they're sheep, and sheep get slaughtered. |
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nontrivial
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 15, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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DazzleKitty, it sounds to me like this is far from being a healthy relationship. Just looking at the facts you mentioned previously:
1. Your boyfriend doesn't make it a priority to spend time with you.
2. He makes fun of your weight in front of other people.
3. He makes you cry and doesn't apologize. (Does he even care?)
4. He asks you to leave immediately after you drive 45 minutes to see him.
If I had to guess based on these facts, I'd say this guy doesn't even really care about you. Yes, it may be that he pitched a fit when you dumped him previously - but that may be because he's possessive and was upset that he was losing his power over you. It sounds to me like he cares about having a girlfriend more than he cares about you in particular, and that should really upset you.
As an Aspie, I appreciate your willingness to try to accommodate his quirks and flaws; however, I respectfully submit that you may be doing Aspies in general a disservice in the long run. What happens if you stay with him? You'll still be unhappy in an Asperger relationship, and your friends and family will know it - and that just adds more fuel to the "Aspies can't have healthy relationships with NTs" fire. That doesn't do any of us any favors.
I realize you're scared of what may happen if you dump this guy. I know you're worried that you may not find someone else who loves and accepts you. What I would ask is, do you feel truly loved or accepted in the relationship you're in now? Are you happier now than you would be if you were single? Do you truly believe that you don't deserve a partner who cherishes you for who you are?
I know a lot of this is entangled with your weight issues, and I'd be happy to discuss those with you privately (I'm overweight as well), but I think it's better here to focus on the much more immediate question of whether it's wise to stay with this guy. |
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velodog
Gold Supporter
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 1251
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
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1) You are not shallow for wanting him to dress nice for family occasions.
2) You are not shallow for wanting him to not stink like B.O. or carrion.
3) Taking off 30 pounds must have taken some work on your part. Congratulations for doing so. Even though you gained some of it back you should still pat yourself on the back.
4) If he calls you fatass in front of people (or in private), then he is being a rude POS. Being an Aspie does not excuse that or make it okay. |
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techstepgenr8tion
cleveland audio assassin
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Age: 28
Posts: 5437
Location: That's for me to know and for you to find out.
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:49 am Post subject: |
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| Dazzlekitty, have to take your side on this. Romantic relationships, platonic relationships, they need they're separate time to a degree. I really don't know what you should do as I don't know you or him well enough, but it sounds like if he is that opaque he has a life lesson or two to learn about this (and yeah, if he's in his early 20's its not too surprising - I'd hope to god for his sake that he's not like this at 30). |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1876
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 3:54 am Post subject: |
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I think you should break up with him.
He doesn't sound like he respects you and you don't seem to like him.
Don't go thinking all aspies are the same everybody with AS is an individual just like NT. There are good and bad.
You seem to have a bit of a fetish for apsies and there are more male aspies than female aspies.
You should go on the prowl for a nice aspie fella.  |
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