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hadapurpura
Phoenix
Joined: May 29, 2005
Posts: 582
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 Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:49 am Post subject: How do you (or we) handle love, and a romantic relationship? |
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| Well, I haven't had a relationship yet, so I don't know how it is. But I feel it's going to be a little bit difficult. I mean, when you are involved in a relationship you have to give hugs, kisses, you have to call your significant other everyday (and I hate talking on the phone), and all those other things that a relationship includes. So, how do you do to handle it? how could I or we handle it in case? |
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techstepgenr8tion
cleveland audio assassin
Joined: Feb 07, 2005
Age: 29
Posts: 5731
Location: That's for me to know and for you to find out.
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 10:05 am Post subject: |
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| That's a really tough one to answer and I think we're all struggling with that. I think the only way you can really compensate is find someone who's enough like yourself that you can feel rewarded more just by the interplay in personality and to where your rare enough or close enough to one-in-a-million to them that they can overlook the fact that you aren't real cued-in on that kind of stuff. I know finding that is way easier said than done but when I think about it in reference to my own situation I think if it were any other way the energy I'd have to put into a relationship would be so much that regardless of what the payoffs of a relationship are I'd be miserable and be stuck with that feeling like the ship is perpetually sinking - nothing is worth that. |
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neongrl
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2005
Age: 32
Posts: 702
Location: Delhi, Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 10:23 am Post subject: |
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I've been married for 9 years and in my case, all the concerns you listed kinda resolve themselves when you find the right person. Strangely, the social problems/avoidance etc you may have with other people aren't as bad because you want to be with that person... kinda hard to explain, I guess it's one of those things that you have to experience for yourself for it to make sense. Of course your interaction with the person isn't gonna be perfect or totally 'normal', but that's part of finding the right person - someone who is willing to accept/overlook the weird stuff. It can happen - it did for me.  |
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Fiddler
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 17, 2004
Posts: 338
Location: Reims, France
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | you have to give hugs, kisses, you have to call your significant other everyday (and I hate talking on the phone), and all those other things that a relationship includes. |
Theorically, you don't have to do all those things. It's up to you to decide how you behave with your significant other, you don't need to do "soap-opera" things.
But in fact, many people expect this kind of social attention: hugs, phone calls, etc.
I think the best thing to do is to establish "rules" with your significant other at the beginning of the relationship, say "I don't want to do this" "I would like to be like this with you" etc, and ask the significant other what she/he expects from the relationship. |
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Dej
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Aug 16, 2005
Posts: 197
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 6:23 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | you have to give hugs, kisses, you have to call your significant other everyday |
Ok, I know that all of this can seem overwhelming when you try to sit around and think of it all, but when you find the right person, you want to do these things (hugs, kisses, etc.) it does not feel like a nusance because you love and care about the person. It just feels bothersome now because your trying to think about it without a special person.
Hope this helped. |
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Serissa
Ex-Moderator
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Joined: Jul 11, 2005
Posts: 4570
Location: A DEN OF INIQUITY!!!
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:58 pm Post subject: Re: How do you (or we) handle love, and a romantic relations |
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| hadapurpura wrote: | | Well, I haven't had a relationship yet, so I don't know how it is. But I feel it's going to be a little bit difficult. I mean, when you are involved in a relationship you have to give hugs, kisses, you have to call your significant other everyday (and I hate talking on the phone), and all those other things that a relationship includes. So, how do you do to handle it? how could I or we handle it in case? |
I handle physical contact amazingly well considering my boyfriend's initial failed attempts to either touch my hand or my shoulder (I pretty much reacted like he was trying to kill me). Once I'd established in my own mindset that the relationship had mutual viability, I made the decision to let myself be touched. (Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I was technically cooerced. I meant to do it anyway.)
Of course I had no fricking clue what to do so on our first "date" I sat without touching him for awhile, then said (and this is not verbatim but close in terms of its geniune bizarreness): "Well, I did mean to touch you, but there have been no conversational lead-ins, so I want to do something but I don't know what." It did work, however I'm not sure how widely applicable such an approach would be.
I have talked on the phone with him I think less than five times in a five-month span. Phones suck. E-mail is your friend. but again, am unsure if this is actually widely applicable. |
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Aspie1
Overman
Joined: Mar 08, 2005
Posts: 2524
Location: United States
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject: |
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My first relationship was confusing like that.
First, a little background. My first relationship took place four years ago, and in retrospect, I got into it for a wrong reason. I noticed that a girl in my class was showing interest in me. So I asked her to have lunch with me, and it turned out that she indeed likes me. I wasn't really attracted to her, but I didn't feel like anyone else would like me. Being the desperate guy that I was, I started dating her.
I knew that I was "required" to call her at least every other day, give her compliments regularly, take her out on dates every weekend, and buy her presents on all special occasions. Doing all that stuff felt like a job; and the phone calls, the compliments, the dates, and the gifts seemed like daily tasks of one's work. Of course, getting things in return, like hugs and kisses on the lips, and (perhaps most importantly) being able to say I have a girlfriend made the whole thing seem worth it, especially at first. Over time, however, I became dissatisfied with the relationship. The girl didn't seem as into the relationship as I originally perceived. Also, things didn't get as far as I wanted them to get. It all eventually ended in a somewhat amicable break-up. |
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KenM
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 16, 2005
Age: 40
Posts: 658
Location: Mass. USA
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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| neongrl wrote: | | I've been married for 9 years and in my case, all the concerns you listed kinda resolve themselves when you find the right person. Strangely, the social problems/avoidance etc you may have with other people aren't as bad because you want to be with that person... kinda hard to explain, I guess it's one of those things that you have to experience for yourself for it to make sense. Of course your interaction with the person isn't gonna be perfect or totally 'normal', but that's part of finding the right person - someone who is willing to accept/overlook the weird stuff. It can happen - it did for me. |
I agree. When you meet the right person you want to call them, ect. If it does start to feel tedious, then that is when you need to think about staying in the relationship. |
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DivaD
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 10, 2005
Posts: 781
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 10:58 pm Post subject: |
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| neongrl wrote: | | I've been married for 9 years and in my case, all the concerns you listed kinda resolve themselves when you find the right person. Strangely, the social problems/avoidance etc you may have with other people aren't as bad because you want to be with that person... kinda hard to explain, I guess it's one of those things that you have to experience for yourself for it to make sense. Of course your interaction with the person isn't gonna be perfect or totally 'normal', but that's part of finding the right person - someone who is willing to accept/overlook the weird stuff. It can happen - it did for me. |
wasn't like that for me  I've found the right person more than once and wanted to be with them, but when I was with them I wanted to get away - needed to get away - no amount of wanting to be with them made it any easier. it made it harder, the combination of wanting to be with them but needing to be away, far away in my own space, just caused terrible stress. Same with the communication, I wanted to email / call but couldn't, the more I wanted to the harder it was! It just caused frustration.
And I *love* hugs and cuddles  but I have a limited capacity for them, even with the perfect person. I remember with one partner we hugged so much that when she stopped it felt like she was still touching me, and by then I'd had enough, but couldn't get away from this feeling of being touched... it was terrifying, nearly drove me psychotic  |
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yealc
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 04, 2005
Posts: 519
Location: Denver CO
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| Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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I have had that have to get away even though I love you thing. My husband just kept being there when I came and went. Today he still says often I will be here when you get home. After ten years I am learning it is ok to be here. We really don't touch a lot but I like touches more than him so it works out. We also don't spend a lot of time talking or even being in the same room much anymore cause it is just not needed. We have a great relationship but we just don't have to spend all our time together. We talk when needed and are very aware of eachothers feelings and goals but we have plenty of space from each other also.
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_________________
Yvette (yealc)
"I never could get the hang of Thursdays" |
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neongrl
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2005
Age: 32
Posts: 702
Location: Delhi, Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:18 am Post subject: |
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| DivaD wrote: | wasn't like that for me I've found the right person more than once and wanted to be with them, but when I was with them I wanted to get away - needed to get away - no amount of wanting to be with them made it any easier. it made it harder, the combination of wanting to be with them but needing to be away, far away in my own space, just caused terrible stress. Same with the communication, I wanted to email / call but couldn't, the more I wanted to the harder it was! It just caused frustration.
And I *love* hugs and cuddles but I have a limited capacity for them, even with the perfect person. I remember with one partner we hugged so much that when she stopped it felt like she was still touching me, and by then I'd had enough, but couldn't get away from this feeling of being touched... it was terrifying, nearly drove me psychotic |
That sucks, sorry to hear that. I understand where you're coming from with that disparity - I don't really get that in the romantic relationship department but I do in other areas. Part of you wants something but the autistic side of you won't let it happen... seems to be a normal thing for a few of us around here. Sometimes my (NT) husband will even tell me "You look like you're fighting with yourself." If he only knew the extent of it or what that's like... |
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3754
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 12:34 am Post subject: |
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Well, I personally would enjoy keeping in touch with a girlfriend if I had one. What I've had to learn is to minimize doing that sort of thing because then you seem desperate. Whether you do it out of desperation or good will and a simple desire to doesn't matter. The girl will likely perceive it as desperation and be turned off. It's very counterintuitive.
Relationships with people of the opposite sex are probably even harder than plain friendships because you can't make mistakes. If you've somehow managed to botch things in their eyes (unintentionally done something that seems rude, for instance) or come off as "creepy" or even just too bland, they'll pretty much ignore you or even go out of their way to avoid you—if only not to have to listen to your futile attempts at having a conversation. |
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hadapurpura
Phoenix
Joined: May 29, 2005
Posts: 582
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| Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:48 am Post subject: |
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i am like that too, sometimes I want to be with somebody but I want to be alone at the same time...
I know that when I find the right person I won't mind if he touches me, or kisses me, or hugs me, or maybe calls me. The problem is giving (because in a relationship you have to receive and give), you know, I just don't feel like it, and in Colombia people are very close, they hug and kiss a lot...
It would be sooo good to just have a special friend you end up getting married with... |
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WarHoundess
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 20, 2005
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Aspie1 wrote: | | First, a little background. My first relationship took place four years ago, and in retrospect, I got into it for a wrong reason. |
Wow, my first and only relationship was exactly the same way. Took place three years ago. I met someone online, didn't turn out looking like how I thought he would. I noticed he lacked a real personality in the emails, but I figured if I pointed it out and held his head to the fire about it, so to speak, the qualities I WANTED in a mate would automatically materialize in him. In person, he wasn't any different. His relatives sent me gift baskets for improving his mood so much (he had clinical depression). I think he manipulated me into staying by using tips he'd read in men's magazines. I remained in the relationship for three months just for the honor of saying I had a boyfriend. |
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irishmic
Deinonychus
Joined: Jan 09, 2005
Posts: 379
Location: Los Angeles
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| Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| DivaD wrote: | | I've found the right person more than once and wanted to be with them, but when I was with them I wanted to get away - needed to get away - no amount of wanting to be with them made it any easier. |
I can definately relate.
I've been growing through my first year of being diagnosed and I am in my late thirties.
I became quite the monastic due to difficulties when encountering women for romantic interests.
I realised today that when I feel attracted to a women that it triggers my sensory issues.
If they are throwing me signals it can get even worse.
Being undiagnosed and not knowing what was going on, I quickly went into a vicious cycle of fear.
Projecting this fear outward, I often acted like an ass instead of my usual sensitive compassionate self. I think the next step for me is going to be owning when my sensory issues are triggered and finding healthy coping mechanisms instead of going into the fear cycle.
Everyone feels sensitive and insecure at times like these. The trick is to own one's feelings and turn them into healthy action. |
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