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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3457
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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 Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 11:24 pm Post subject: Overcoming the Aspie Disadvantage in Romance |
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| What is the best strategy to overcome the disadvantage we aspies face in courting romance? I for one am sick of women's disinclination to establishing a relationship (any kind of relationship) with the aspie male. Women seem to act as if their even talking to you is a high honor (women of all types!). Women are so hyper-selective that it seems that, if I want to have any kind of preference for what I like or find attractive in a woman, I might just rule out the very few women who have not ruled me out a priori. (Honestly, I'd just rather not bother with meeting women, if I can't meet women I find at least somewhat desirable) |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 2948
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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| NeantHumain wrote: | | Women seem to act as if their even talking to you is a high honor (women of all types!). Women are so hyper-selective that it seems that, if I want to have any kind of preference for what I like or find attractive in a woman, I might just rule out the very few women who have not ruled me out a priori. |
Therein lies the main problem with establishing relationships these days. Everyone is just so selective. Someone has to budge.
I didn't mean for this to become a How-To but since it did, I might as well bill it as such...
How to get a girl - possibly works in reverse too...
Method 1.
Be less selective and possibly rule out appearance for a while. ie: Talk over the internet without hassling for photos etc.. Just get to know eachother. After a while, move to phone. Sure, you'll be disappointed when you finally meet because you'll both expect supermodels but hopefully the relationship will have progressed berfore that happens.
Method 2.
Be a lot more daring. Steel yourself for knockbacks and talk to them - gently at first. Eg: If it's someone you see everyday then start by smiling when you see them. (not grimacing). Eventually, they'll smile back. Similarly, if you pass them as you leave, wave. (a tiny wave - not a howdy-ho).
When you see them after a weekend say, "how was your weekend", or "did you do anything interesting over the weekend?". This helps you to learn what their interests are as well as give you a chance to tell them about yours. If they went anywhere you'd like to go, then say, wow... I'd like to go there (or I'd like to do that) someday...
Also... After a little while of doing this - not straightaway - say;
"did you do anything interesting over the weekend?".
they'll reply with something eg: movie .....
say oh I haven't seen that yet, did you go with a group of friends?
... if they reply that they went with their boyfriend, then the deal's off. Don't act too dejected but don't push hard either. They may break up at some point - so remaining friends is good.
Also, your friend may have other friends. When you know her really well, you can say, "do you know any friends who'd be suitable for me".
Joke around, but don't become "slimy"
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Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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LabPet
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 1670
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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Firstly, you're asking the wrong female: I'm autistic. But I'll give it a shot.
From my perspective, men are attracted to my physical self (did you watch my youtube video, btw? Smelena posted it in General Autism Discussion - check), but I lack emotive gushiness and the ability to....(processing) be neurotypical; that is, superficial niceties that seem to be requisite for communication. So, capitalize on your strengths, NeantHumain! Find female who likes what you like and there are individuals who like Auties/Aspies - find one amenable to this way of being instead of fighting to 'win one over.' They cannot be assimilated well; I've tried this the hard way.
Tip: Don't ask them to make you a sandwich  Ok, Auties/Aspies think that's funny (I did), but others may not 'get it.'
You can try blatant seduction. I think this equates to flowers and chocolates, etc. Or dinner and a movie. It's very coersive.
FYI: During an 'intimate moment,' I actually said to a man, upon a romantic request of mine (direct quote), "Comply." I am otherwise quite shy.
Good luck. Yes, you need a female with not only XY chromosomes (that's de rigor), but that likes Autistic traits - they exist, I think. You may wish to subtly educate her as to your ways too.
_________________
same nightmare, different nap
Lab Pet, therapist slayer
Lab Pet's video: Autism is Synonymous with Science: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYelVlA7kDw |
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Pobodys_Nerfect
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Posts: 348
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: |
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| It's different for aspie males. If I said, "comply" to a female she might say I raped her, afterwards. My female "friends" won't even go to the movies with me or anything unless other people are there. I'm not a bad looking guy and I'm tall etc. I think it's mostly the female aspies keeping the genes alive. Just like with the homosexual genes. Damn irony. |
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Pobodys_Nerfect
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Posts: 348
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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I bet the aspie females are havin a good time tho  |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1605
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: Re: Overcoming the Aspie Disadvantage in Romance |
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| NeantHumain wrote: | | What is the best strategy to overcome the disadvantage we aspies face in courting romance? |
I will break down my strategies in no particular order:
1. First off, forget that you have AS, it is not helpful. Just pretend you are NT.
2. get experience where you can, it all adds up. Date/pursue any woman who shows interest in you, even if you think you have nothing in common. Also I have had sex with a few escorts... you may not want to do this, but it has helped me with women (especially with shyness etc. and now I am confident I can please a woman in bed too).
3. get some good NT friends to get relationship/sex advice from
4. try and make yourself look good. dress stylish, work out, put gel in your hair... try and look good.
5. Don't be too hard on yourself about making mistakes. Take risks, try different things and see what works or gets you slapped (there is a fine line sometimes). Fortune favors the bold. Learning is basically making mistakes and finding out what you don't want.
6. try and meet women anywhere you can... internet dating, a social club, whatever. The more you have in common the better. I would suggest against looking in bars/night clubs though (this could be it's own thread).
7. try and have money and a decent car. Even if you don't have your own place, these other things are the next most important.
8. do not get hung up on looks... usually the better looking the girl is, the more f**** up she is. Go for girls who you think are relatively close to you in atractiveness. This means if you are fat, you should be looking at fat girls (or losing some weight). The point is, get experience, build on it. You can always move up in the level of attractiveness of girls you date.
I think that I am slowly getting myself towards average. I am still awkward and have AS, but I am slowly getting myself to around average, or might even be better than average (at least for AS). I have dated and had sex with a few different hot women... this is more than most NT guys can say. Emphasize your strengths, minimize your weaknesses, don't be too hard on yourself. I don't care about ever being a player or a guy who gets tons of girls, I just am who I am, and at the end of the day if a girl likes me cool if not I don't care anymore I would rather be single anyways.
Last edited by Space on Fri May 09, 2008 2:02 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1605
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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| Pobodys_Nerfect wrote: | | I bet the aspie females are havin a good time tho |
That's because any woman can get laid any day of the year, not matter how ugly and/or socially inept she is. |
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CanyonWind
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 12, 2006
Posts: 1218
Location: West of the Great Divide
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: |
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| LabPet wrote: | | Yes, you need a female with not only XY chromosomes (that's de rigor) |
If he's looking for a female with XY chromosomes, we might need to move this to the adult forum.
By the way, I liked the video.
_________________
I can't take up my rifle
And fight 'em anymore,
But I ain't a gonna love 'em
And that's for certain sure.
-traditional |
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TheDoctor82
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 29, 2008
Posts: 143
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 5:13 am Post subject: |
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HO-HO-HO, BOY are you missing the bigger picture, here, and the greater advantage on your part! Y'see, Asperger's is gonna help you in dating WAY more than it hurts you- reason being that it helps you weed out all the wrong women!
All the women who aren't worth your time won't give you a second look, cause you're "different". Dude, trust me- that's NOT a bad thing. That's a very good thing. Do you know what a hassle that save us? Saves us time and money. Sure, we're lonely for longer, but that's ok- cause when ya find the right one, it makes all the difference in the world.
And before you jump on everyone for being "so selective"- oh really? So THAT'S why the divorce rate in the USA is above 50%- cause everyone's just SO selective, right?
TRY AGAIN!
The right one WILL give you a "second look", and you'll be the happiest guy in the world dating her, and more. Trust me.  |
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Aspie1
Overman
Joined: Mar 08, 2005
Posts: 2475
Location: United States
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 7:55 am Post subject: |
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| TheDoctor82 wrote: | HO-HO-HO, BOY are you missing the bigger picture, here, and the greater advantage on your part! Y'see, Asperger's is gonna help you in dating WAY more than it hurts you- reason being that it helps you weed out all the wrong women!
...
All the women who aren't worth your time won't give you a second look, cause you're "different". Dude, trust me- that's NOT a bad thing. That's a very good thing. Do you know what a hassle that save us? Saves us time and money. Sure, we're lonely for longer, but that's ok- cause when ya find the right one, it makes all the difference in the world.
...
The right one WILL give you a "second look", and you'll be the happiest guy in the world dating her, and more. Trust me. |
No offense, but this is bad advice. It's almost rubbing it in the guy's face that he's going to be lonely for longer. The "right girl" might come when he's 50, and he's looking for someone to date right now. I'm sure he'll find the right girl eventually. But he probably wants something to happen soon, not god knows when. I used to get advice too, and I hated it.
For something to happen soon, escorts made a big difference for me. They made me more confident because they completely demystified women for me. Women used to have this aura of mystery. Now they're just people with female parts. |
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psmaster
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 16, 2008
Posts: 242
Location: Lexington, Ky, USA, Earth, The Solar System, The Milky Way Galaxy, The Universe, UNKNOWN
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 8:53 am Post subject: |
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| Luckily, I am currently seeing a person from one of my old schools. And she happens to love nerds like me, and understands what aspergers is. Usually I have problems with socializing with my peers, but with her, I am more natural. |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1605
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:13 pm Post subject: |
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| TheDoctor82 wrote: | | All the women who aren't worth your time won't give you a second look, cause you're "different". Dude, trust me- that's NOT a bad thing. That's a very good thing. Do you know what a hassle that save us? Saves us time and money. Sure, we're lonely for longer, but that's ok- cause when ya find the right one, it makes all the difference in the world. |
I agree. I think there are lots of women who are out looking for solid guys with a steady job, a house, car, who likes to do things in life. What is better than that? You have to be optimistic and keep looking, and yes many women out there are a total waste of time so I don't think we AS guys need to worry about not dating them. |
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LabPet
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 1670
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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Unsure.....Men, I think we (I mean you) are somehow missing something but I don't know what. Oh wait, that romantic love part. Yes, that's precisely IT!
No wonder we (I mean you) aren't especially 'date-able.' Just a guess. 'Weeding them out' is strategic. So is a qual scheme - equivalent technique.
I am so out of my league and I know it....is there a downloadable instruction manual, with pictures, for this? Aspies/Auties can be endearing, or a real pain. Just depends on one's perspective.
I do look sexy in my lab coat, btw.
OP, let us know if you find 'her.' Maybe just tell her you're an Aspie, then she doesn't have to guess.
_________________
same nightmare, different nap
Lab Pet, therapist slayer
Lab Pet's video: Autism is Synonymous with Science: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYelVlA7kDw |
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LabPet
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2007
Posts: 1670
Location: Alaska
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:46 pm Post subject: |
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NeantHumain - There are inflatable females with anatomical accouterments (XY chromosome) for this dilemma. 'She' probably can't make you a sandwich though. Then there's the cuddling after. Let's keep this at the child's level, not adult forum.
I still think random movie and dinner might be ok.
_________________
same nightmare, different nap
Lab Pet, therapist slayer
Lab Pet's video: Autism is Synonymous with Science: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYelVlA7kDw |
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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3457
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: |
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| LabPet wrote: | | NeantHumain - There are inflatable females with anatomical accouterments (XY chromosome) for this dilemma. 'She' probably can't make you a sandwich though. Then there's the cuddling after. Let's keep this at the child's level, not adult forum. |
I don't know what the f*ck you're talking about, but you should probably get out of this thread. |
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