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| Long-term loathing? |
| Yes, and no end or solution in sight |
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10% |
[ 2 ] |
| Yes, but have found strategy for living with it that works |
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5% |
[ 1 ] |
| Yes, but I think the end is in sight |
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15% |
[ 3 ] |
| Yes, but it's over now |
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30% |
[ 6 ] |
| No such relationship |
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20% |
[ 4 ] |
| Other |
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20% |
[ 4 ] |
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| Total Votes : 20 |
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Message |
ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2926
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 Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: AS, In a Long-term Relationship Full of Loathing? |
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Who is living with someone that they don't feel as if they like, let alone love, ( and no longer have sex with either/rarely have sex with ) but after time together ( 6-7 years or more, say), have a certain affection for?
And stay with because no longer believe that the grass is greener elsewhere etc, or because leaving would involve considerable practical inconvenience, or even split up a family?
But frequently loathe, detest, can not bear, feel like thumping, do thump, this partner, so that leaving is an option constantly and exhaustingly/preoccupyingly hovering?
With whom have little or nothing in common, barely talk anymore, and tend to ignore completely, when not wishing that they would go out more, make themselves scarce as much as possible because you are so much happier when they aren't there?
I am! But we also have a son , and a super internet connection, two computers, enough money for red meat, fresh fruit, and green salad, and one holiday a year if careful, live in a beautiful villlage in lovely landscape in France, etc, and my partner continues to insist that he would rather I stayed. Despite how horrible I get sometimes.
I suspect emotional co-dependency issues on his side; my dependency is all material.
So what do people do? How do you deal with this? What strategies have you come up with, or what did you do if it is in the past?
How did it end? Or have you found a way to live with it without doing too much damage to anyone?
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merrymadscientist
Toucan
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 299
Location: UK
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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This is exactly the situation I was in a few years ago. The fact was that I was never physically attracted to my husband, but we got on really well as friends. The physical side of things was really horrible for me (and came to be so for him too, because he wanted me to enjoy it - he was really completely in love with me), but I liked the safety of routine and having him there in case of things going wrong or not as planned (he was good for that whereas I would panic).
Anyway, after living together for several years, I forced him to do a year long trip travelling around the world (it had become my obsession). He was very unhappy and we didnt get on very well and then after that I had a job planned in France and he didnt want to join me here - because as usual it was something I had decided on (I was very selfish - decided I NEEDED to try living in a different country) and he wasnt confident of getting a job in France. So we lived seperately - I loved living alone, and we split up after 2 years.
But was this the best thing to do? I dont know yet. Since splitting up I have become severely depressed, and after 3.5 years in France (my dream) I have nothing much to show for it - my work went badly (I dreamed publishing many papers and I have one rejected one to show for it), I made few friends and lost those I made (perhaps stupidly I dreamed of everyone really liking me and me being more confident and nice than I had ever been before). And now I start to think that maybe it would have been better staying with him - just for the security, the almost certainty of having a family (something I always wanted, but now cant be sure of - already 30 and dread the thought of having to get close to another man). But then this wouldnt be fair on him - he does deserve to be with someone who loves him properly and not just with affection, like a brother, as I felt for him.
I think that if I had had children with him already, I would have stayed with him and not come to France. But then maybe I would have constantly regretted not living abroad. Leaving is difficult - I dreamed of leaving him for years before I actually managed to do it. But I think overall that I am glad that now I am alone but free. The thought of having to be physically intimate with him still sickens me (even though in fact we are still friends and are even going on holiday together this year). However, the probability of me ever finding someone who I get on with equally well, but who I want to be physically intimate with is rather unlikely. Am starting to give up on the family thing. So Ive exchanged one dream for another - which didnt work out anyway.
I am sorry that I cant be more of help. There was a time when I would have told you to leave, but now I cant be sure that it is right. |
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aspiebeauty87
Snowy Owl
Joined: Nov 12, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 137
Location: California,USA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 2:56 pm Post subject: ............. |
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idk, i'm too young to recall that
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adverb
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 08, 2007
Posts: 235
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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i had one of those. exactly like you described, only 5 years, no kids, and nothing remotely like a beautiful village in lovely landscape in France. i ended it, with much effort and drama thanks to her emotional and material dependency. life is much much better for both of us now - i'm happy in ways that i had forgotten existed, and she's not emotionally or materially dependent on anyone for the first time in her life.
i'm sure the situation would have been different with kids and the pleasant french lifestyle. i've always heard that couples should never stay together just for the kids, and that seems like good advice, especially since all of your son's ideas about adult relationships will be shaped by what he observes at home. and if i could be materially dependent on someone and have a truly satisfying lifestyle, that would be very hard to turn my back on - especially with a kid to support (leave him with strangers, or alone, all day while i work to support us? meh.). so yeah, it's a difficult choice.
you say your partner continues to insist that he would rather you stayed - i'm guessing he's aware of your feelings about all of this? and you do have a certain affection for him... perhaps he would be open to you taking a lover? best of both worlds.
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2926
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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| merrymadscientist wrote: | | There was a time when I would have told you to leave, but now I can't be sure that it is right. |
Thank you, merrymadscientist, that's where I am, now that recent official pressure on us over my son's homeschooling has let up, and will be off until same time next year, I find myself confused again. ... maybe we could/should stay... ... because like you describe it no longer seems as simple, ... escaping, to what exactly, and was I really any more creative/sorted on my own? ... etc etc...
| adverb wrote: | | ...open to your taking a lover? best of both worlds. |
 That is the very last thing I am thinking about in this situation. I haven't felt interested in anyone in the flesh for the almost 9 years since my son was born.
But it is exactly the sort of thing people use to help themselves decide in cases like this, fall in love with someone. It is what the french papa/my "partner" did "in order" to leave his wife and family of 14 years, 5 years before I met him, ( which is 10 years ago now!) . But not sure that I could con myself about something like that.
What I tend to think is that unless I need to leave best not to. But... ...
I hope to hear some other angles on this too. Like people who stay... ...  And is this sort of lopsided, ragged, long-term relationship common for AS?
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something"
Last edited by ouinon on Thu Jun 12, 2008 3:40 am; edited 1 time in total |
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lotusblossom
Toucan
Joined: Jan 14, 2008
Posts: 260
Location: UK
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| Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:54 pm Post subject: |
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I would work at it if I was you.
Its so hard being a single parent with AS as you never get a break- at least at the moment you can have a bath to your self once in a while. Being on your own means you will have to do every chore, meal, bath and bedtime everyday even if your really sick and you will have no money. people will put off being friends with you because they like to be friends with couples and will suspect that you might steal their husband. if you feel stressed now know that it will triple as a single parent. dont do it.
I would recomend Susan Jeffers book "opening our hearts to men" and "inner talk for a love that works" and "how to create a lasting love". They are great books and make all the difference.
Perhaps arrange with him so you can have breaks away from the family to recoop and get alone time. There is nothing worse than being stuck in with kids all day only to be faced with a partner when you get the kids to bed.
hope you get a happy solution whatever you decide  |
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merrymadscientist
Toucan
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 299
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Jun 12, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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| ouinon wrote: |
But it is exactly the sort of thing people use to help themselves decide in cases like this, fall in love with someone. It is what the french papa/my "partner" did "in order" to leave his wife and family of 14 years, 5 years before I met him, ( which is 10 years ago now!) . But not sure that I could con myself about something like that.
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Actually, thats how I got the courage to leave - I fell in love with a woman - she became a friend, and then our friendship ended a year later (it was never more than that and she never knew how I felt about her), but it provided the catalyst. Still, the memory that I can (occasionally) love people that much (like I never did with my husband), gives a reason for being alone until I do (if I do) find another person that I can love. |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2926
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:41 am Post subject: |
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I just noticed that someone has voted for the option in the poll which says have found a strategy/method for dealing with this problem. Would like to hear more.
At the moment, and increasingly for quite a while now, the hostility, irritation, negative comments, angry outbursts, shouting and screaming, his occasional sobbing and groaning about never doing anything right, and my occasional hitting/throwing things , is tiring/unpleasant.
It is not fun to be so filled with loathing, ( especially when he wakes me up with repellent snores at night in the room next to mine) . It wells up each time he comes home after 3-4 days on the road visiting clients.
I can totally see that living as a single parent would not be fun either, would be hard, but would it aggravate and irritate like this living together does?
I did wonder if there might be others who have stayed in such a situation ... ... ... hello? 
Or did/does everyone leave? ( apart from the single vote above!  )
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"Life is pain; anyone who says different is selling something" |
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sartresue
Radical Aspergian
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 1986
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: AS, in a long term relationship full of loathing? |
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Loatheration topic
I am waiting for a reasonably priced apartment to be available for me, and possibly one of my kids.
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Radical Aspergian
Awe-Tistic Whirlwind
Phuture Phounder of the Philosophy Phactory |
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2926
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 3:04 pm Post subject: Re: AS, in a long term relationship full of loathing? |
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| sartresue wrote: | | I am waiting for a reasonably priced apartment to be available for me, and possibly one of my kids. |
I think that I am waiting for something too.
Something which will tip the balance just that little bit necessary to make "leaving" the weightier, more "convincing" option.
I thought that the academic inspection might have been it, but although it has alerted me to its potential as a critical factor, which will re-present in 12 months, it was not sustained for long enough this time round.
While waiting what do you do to reduce the aggravation, alleviate the wear and tear of repulsion?
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sartresue
Radical Aspergian
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 1986
Location: The Castle of Shock and Awe-tism
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| Posted: Sun Jun 15, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: As in a long term relationship full of loathing |
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Longing to leave loathing life topic
Hi, Ouinon. How do I stand it? I have a counsellor and she knows what I am going through. she has gone out of her way to support my decision by writing to my local Housing Authority to explain the financial and emotional abuse. I keep quiet and do not tell him my plans, but I have got things ready for when the time comes.
I think he is not entirely clueless. But I have refused to help him financially any more, so if he wants money, he has to get it himself. I certainly do not sleep with him any more. Not for 10 years. I consider him my ex-husband, though i still wear a wedding band because i am NOT interested in any more relationships. I prefer to live alone, or just with my kids. My son is going out west to Alberta in about 2.5 years, after he finishes high school. My daughter will live with me until she is 18.
I do not wish him harm but I would not lose sleep if his life ended.
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Radical Aspergian
Awe-Tistic Whirlwind
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 2926
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: Re: As in a long term relationship full of loathing |
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| sartresue wrote: | | How do I stand it? I have a counsellor and she knows what I am going through. |
Yes, that sounds useful. Someone that can totally blow off steam in front of without fear of judgemental reactions.
I think that's the trouble at the moment. I am censoring myself, telling myself that obviously this isn't all his fault, obviously I am at least 50% responsible, ( or more, because it's me that can't bear him; he is "mostly" happy" with me, in a sort of lower animal life form sort of way,  ) , and that I "should" be able to deal with it, control myself, etc etc, and so I'm not letting myself get right to the bottom of it, if there is a bottom, something festering! The only person I am letting off steam at is him/the loathed co-parent ( I definitely don't think of him as a partner) .
Because when he's there I'm annoyed/irritated. Like I'm allergic to him! 
Good luck with the accommodation search. 
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poopylungstuffing
Bohemian Cave dweller
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 33
Posts: 3646
Location: not otherwise specified
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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oh..i was in one of these when I was much younger. Between the ages of15 and 22 I dated a guy with whom I had very little physical or emotional connection. We were afraid to break up...for one, we were both in a band together...so we stayed together for the sake of the band..For two...I think he was scared that he might get busted for statuatory rape....so he thought he was stuck with me...It is funny the way two people will bond when they have extremely little in common. We did have some kind of bond...and we did settle into our routines..but there was something very wrong with that relationship.
I did not know how to escape..he did not know how to get rid of me..so it got to the point where he treated me like I was his property, and i felt like I was his property. It was a kinda emotionally damaging experience for me. It interfered with my social development as a teenager....which was already stunted by my developmental problems...my developmental problems have something to do with why I found it so hard to leave the relationship.
My strategy for finally breaking up with him was that after about 5 years, I put my foot down and refused to have sex with him whenever he wanted me to. That meant that i withdrew from him sexually for about a year...and by the time we brokw up, it was already expected....and after a period of minor adjustment we remained friends, and still are. I visit him at work occasionally. We still have absolutely nothing in common....but no hard feelings....except I am sorta aware that that phase of my life screwed me up quite a bit.
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