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Sorenna
Sea Gull
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 240
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 Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:03 pm Post subject: Non-touchers and relationships? |
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ediot
Last edited by Sorenna on Tue May 27, 2008 12:06 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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MsTriste
OTS
Joined: Dec 08, 2005
Age: 44
Posts: 3373
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:08 pm Post subject: |
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Over the years my partner has managed to be trained.
He knows I don't like 'petting' or stroking kind of touch, but prefer pressure kind of touch, so like if we're sitting on the couch together he used to stroke my leg but now he'll just squeeze it gently.
Sex touch - needs to be gentle and if so is great |
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tailfins1959
Deinonychus
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Joined: Apr 07, 2008
Posts: 345
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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With so many kinds of interaction outside my perception, touch is one of the few ways I detect acceptance. If you see me not want to touch someone, it means I REALLY dislike them. Back in university, I had a married female acquaintance that hugged me because she felt sorry for me. I wanted the hug more than avoiding the humiliation of taking charity. Her husband didn't mind at all, in fact he played cards with me until she got home if I came by when she wasn't there.
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3637
Location: In the basement, with the 'nomalies
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 4:52 pm Post subject: |
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It's hard to say. I'm the kind that must be asked/warned before being touched. It's been a long time since I was in an "adult" relationship, but when I was in one, unexpected touch was always startling and irritating,even when I liked the guy. While watching television, I didn't mind laying on the couch, with my SO's head in my lap, though.
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quietzinger
Emu Egg
Joined: Oct 03, 2007
Age: 36
Posts: 7
Location: Newfoundland,Canada
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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I've been married for three years and this is a really big issue between us. He accepts it for the most part but at other times he makes me feel like I am committing some sort of crime.
Sex.....we have issues there too. I have finally gotten him to stop trying to touch me. I like the actual physical act but can't stand any kind of foreplay. |
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Bart21
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 29, 2006
Posts: 648
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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I can handle being touched wel for the most part.
But my gf is sooo touchy that she sometimes trys to hug me 24/7 wich is kind of over the top.
So there are limits to what i can stand.
For the most part i don't get touched much except by the very touchy types.
Not touching others much has the effect of them not touching you much on most people. |
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hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 3637
Location: In the basement, with the 'nomalies
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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I also dislike people who get excited during conversation, and clap you on the back. 
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drybones
Toucan
Joined: May 15, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 250
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 6:46 pm Post subject: |
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| being touched unexpectedly is bad that along with unwanted contact either in work or social situation - hugging, shaking hands, back slapping - ugh! |
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merrymadscientist
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 19, 2007
Posts: 302
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: |
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Not liking being touched, or giving physical affection myself was the primary reason for my marriage breakdown (the only relationship I have ever had). However, it didnt help that (however much I tried to convince myself) I wasnt actually really in love with him - I loved him, but not like a husband, I didnt fancy him.
In general, although I didnt mind, and even quite liked the odd friendly hug, I could never give such hugs myself (even when he was upset, which upset me too), I hated to be stroked. If he wanted to put his arm around me in bed it had to be absolutely still otherwise I couldnt tolerate it - and even then I much prefered going to sleep without touching. Needless to say, more intimate things were not at all pleasant, although I was prepared to put up with it occasionally. What made it really bad though was that he expected me to enjoy it - if he had just accepted that I didnt, but was prepared to do it now and then, maybe it would have been OK, but he ended up feeling as though he was raping me each time. And I got to this state of just freezing whenever he attempted even the slightest exhibition of physical affection. I also found kissing rather unpleasant.
However, there have been a few people that I do fancy who have touched me gently just on the arm or something in a friendly way, and I have found that generally I dont mind that, so maybe things would be different with someone I really love. Well at least I hope so, otherwise I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life. |
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samantca
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 09, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 459
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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| I dislike being touched, but not all the time. I hate it when my bf touches me when im doing something or when im not aware of him going to do so. My bf doesnt handle the "rejection" as he calls it very well. I dont see it as that. But my issue with being touched has caused A LOT of my relationship issues. And i hate being tickled or gently caressed. I like it rough, hugged really hard etc. Same goes for sexual affairs, which leaves most guys thinking im weird as girls tend to like it soft and gentle. |
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bettybarton
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 16, 2008
Posts: 75
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: |
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the time i had a boyfriend (long before i knew about a/s-i was 16 at the time) it took me ages to realsie that when we were snogging and his hands would be all over me i'd start shuddering oddly. we worked out i was kind of ticklish, so when he touched me hard (that sounds rude but isnt ment to!!!) it was ok..
i dont have relationships right now because im really reclusive- the biggest problem i have is with people- then noise, then touch. but i was thinking this morning it would be very nice to have a boyf again- i feel v.lonely.
i think, as most other people have said, that warning or simpley firm pressure is ok. i dont like it too much, but--- its like being with friends. im lonely, but i have issues with being near people- there isnt really a balance. i just put up with it until it annoys me enough to stop it...
but i do miss closeness and sex.
i dont miss being hugged by anyone, which i generally find embaressing, but realise i have to put up with as it hurts people to back off (i dont want to make my mum cry ;-( )...
i was wondering this morning what sort of relaionship i'd have with an aspie boyf- but i suppose it would depend on his spectrum...
i def liked sex, and- though its not to be recomended- blah blah blah- def found it easier to have sex, or even be tactile with someone when drunk or stoned- i think a lot of aspies find things easier that way anyway- it relaxes one generally... not that im telling to toi get drunk in a bar and pull some random man!
ive found it to get a littel better with age- i am now 35.... i have told epople in the past to touch me hard and not stroke etc- they did not seem too phased by it, perhaps beacuse i have so many other weird things which are odder tahn that- it was just another 'thing'...
it is nice to be near someone, and sex and the desire for it is natural... |
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Apera
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 54
Location: Buffalo, NY
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 8:14 pm Post subject: |
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I don't like to be touched in general. I've never had a gf, never gotten more than a hug. I can't imagine sex, really. I know it feels good and all, but the other person really complicates things. I mean, you want me to get naked with you and do what?!
Hugs, i'm indifferent. Kisses, probably wouldn't mind if i know the person well enough. But when anyone at school lays a hand in me, I immediatley want them to get the hell off me. Especially people I don't know. Which is common when you're as emotionally detached as me.
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1689
Location: travelling (currently Berlin, longing for the Middle East)
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| Posted: Mon May 26, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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I never had a serious affair whatsoever, but I do think this will be an issue if I have one in the future. The girl will have to sort of train me, do it step by step until I am adapting to it. And maybe let me take the initiative rather than touching me unexpectedly (which I find a huge bother, much more than when I see it coming from beforehand). I think however, especially if she understands AS, it should not be too much of an issue. Sex on the other hand, will be a huge problem. I have issues with erotophobia and I cannot imagine any form of sex without it being part of a relationship would please me, inside a relationship it would need to be taken step by step ; the girl will have to show patience (I hate to write this because it makes me sound very demanding and unreasonable towards her, but the truth is that just hitting the bed straight away would probably not work out)
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shopaholic
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 01, 2007
Posts: 619
Location: UK
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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The only time I do like to be touched is by a lover..... How comfortable I feel about being touched by someone is how I know if I want to be with him or not.
(Not the most sensible basis for a relationship - maybe that's why I'm not in one?)
Last edited by shopaholic on Tue May 27, 2008 4:41 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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poopylungstuffing
Bohemian Cave dweller
Joined: Mar 09, 2007
Age: 33
Posts: 3902
Location: not otherwise specified
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| Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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i have adapted to some extent over the years..but still have a problem with hugs and casual unexpected touching which =invasion of personal space and really rattles me.
Within my relationship, there are parts of my body that I do not like having touched, but other than that i am comfortable with most forms of physical contact that do not involve being teasingly jabbed or poked...which is not fun for my partner who is like a little boy in his desire to jab, poke and touch parts of my body that I do not enjoy having touched.
I have a big stomach..and I have IBS..and I just don't like having my belly touched...partly due to self consciosness...partly due to persistant sensory unpleasantness associated with any sort of pressure on my belly..especially when it is acting up....my partner may jokingly lament over the fact that my belly is the largest part of my body, yet he is not allowed to touch it...and i repeatedly have to explain that I have sensory issues regarding my belly....it does not cause pain, but a crawly unpleasant feeling.
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