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Dhp
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 181
Location: Florida, United States
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 Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:18 am Post subject: I have a problem... |
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I'm at a crossroads now. I have been sexually abused by a female babysitter at the age of 9. Obviously, I was never the same since. When I was 16, a woman became interested in me, and stupid me didn't realize that she wanted more than friendship. I told her that I just wanted to be friends, and she started violently crying and ran with dispair...now the plot thickens.
At this same age of 16, I had extreme insomnia, and extreme anger, with anxiety. Then the first panic attack arrived. Upon these experiences, I vowed to myself that I would never have a girlfriend, until I knew what was wrong with me. I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea.
Well, now I know what is "wrong" with me. I have Anxiety, major Depression, and AS. And I found out recently that many women are not evil and out to destroy their fellow man's soul. So, I've kind of decided to break that vow...but it's too late. I'm 35, ugly, haggard, and poor; I am very boring in real life. Here is the problem though. I am still SCARED TO DEATH of women. not scared to death, or Scared to Death...you get the point. I feel like a 14 year old that is thrown into a pit with harpies for which I must escape from. I have tried okcupid and even aspieaffection, and I just can't go past the first step of emailing any woman. I cringe like a baby from that.
My parents say that I'm the nicest caring person they've ever known, and many of their friends say the same thing; therefore, I know that I'm not a bad person. I hate it when others suffer. I have gotten therapy for the rape...and have forgiven that troubled babysitter. I feel sorry for her, and hope that she's doing well. Now, many of you will laugh at this. This is a problem? Grow the &*(^& up and just do it. If I could do that, I would have done it many years ago, or when I was 16. This has hindered me and held me back for 18 years now. I really don't know what to do. I know I have a very low self esteem, but there were a couple of times when I was confident in my life. But to no avail had the Achilles' heel disappeared. During those times of consideration to break that vow and look, I was way too afraid to do so.
It is terrible, as if I see Charbydis on one side and Skylla on the other. But yet I am alone on that great vessel trying to come home. I don't want to end up a miserable old man. Tis true that one is born alone and dies alone, but what is a life if not fulfilled? There have been a few women that hinted more than a friendship in my past, but due to my fear, I have turned them away politely. But this is a severe problem. Perhaps this was not the right place to discuss this; yet I have trouble voicing this to my therapist. Btw, if you have read this far, thank you for doing so...sometimes I do have a tendency to babble. Is there really something wrong with me? |
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IpsoRandomo
Deinonychus
Joined: Dec 02, 2006
Age: 21
Posts: 375
Location: Colorado Springs
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:35 am Post subject: |
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Yo put it bluntly, yes there is something "wrong" with you, but you can fix it.
If confidence is a problem get someone to coach you. Friends are especially helpful because they can pressure you into doing things for your own sake. |
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MsTriste
OTS
Joined: Dec 08, 2005
Age: 45
Posts: 3373
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: |
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Based on your avatar, I can tell you that you are not ugly or haggard.
Your problem is partly a lack of self-confidence, as well as a real fear.
As an aspie it is normal to have that reaction when you have been violated.
As for getting over your fear, one technique that is used is desensitization. I used to fear flying, but had a job where I flew a lot, then I moved to Hawaii where I was constantly flying from one island to another. I no longer fear flying, which is amazing because 20 years ago I had such bad panic attacks I thought I would die.
So, back to desensitization. How to do that with women. First off, maybe a psychiatrist could prescribe an antianxiety med you could take in a small dose before a date. Second, have you thought about paying a woman? Then you wouldn't have to worry about the relationship part. If you could just break the spell with one woman, perhaps you would no longer find it terrifying.
Most women like attention from a guy, and believe it or not, a lot of women like sex. Go for it. |
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Aspinator
Blue Jay
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
Posts: 75
Location: AspinatorLand
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: RE: Problem |
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Since you are soliciting opinions, I will offer mine. I feel Aspies in general suffer from low self esteem (myself included). I think having suffered a lifetime of being referred to as a retard, psycho, adult child, schizso, etc. can't be helpful to our self image. I also feel most women (from a man's POV) have a problem when they find out that most Aspies don't mind and spend a lot of time alone.
NT women especially can't grasp this about us. They also seem to have a problem with the fact that someone in middle age is not married and does not have children.
As far a depression, I exercise and meditate daily (I view both as medicine)
I also find that it works for me to tell potential dates I have Aspergers. Most are curious and want to know more about Aspergers. The main response I seem to get is that "I would have never have guessed, you are so well spoken. (A personal observation - there are a lot of people that have a hard time grasping the concept of an intelligent autistic person).
View interaction with women like a binary code; it is either going to be positive (1) or negative (0). We all are going to encounter some "0s" in our quest for a meaningful relationship. We will eventually encounter a "1". |
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Kalister1
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 09, 2007
Posts: 2882
Location: California
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 3:55 am Post subject: |
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You need self confidence training, because there isn't anything wrong with you at all. You look fine, and are much hotter than I am (Yeah I know, I'm ugly). Probably are fine, and haggard can be a turn on for some. What I'm trying to say is you must just think positive.
_________________
Warghh!!!!!!!!!!! |
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sufi
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 16, 2007
Posts: 162
Location: mid-michigan
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:19 am Post subject: |
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I had a flash off-the-wall idea. most people laugh when I make these kind of suggestions but, hey they make sense to me and so I throw it out there.
I agree with the desensitization suggestion- but don't use dating to do this, you want to save dating for fun and profit.
I think it would be helpful to -- go where the women are in a safe enviornment. Like go to a craft and sewing store and join one of the classes or groups. These consist of women who are generally married in a calm surrounding, just hanging out with no pressure. They can be helpful and understanding. You can work quietly or have pleasant conversation. You could even explain what you are trying to accomplish and probably gain a lot of support (and maybe eventually after seeing you are a nice person, and have a single friend ....). The hard part would be doing this the first time but it is that way with all desensitization activities, and having people wondering what you are doing there cause it maybe out of place cause I really don't know if guys join these groups, but the store could help you choose which activity to join.
I had a fear of needles, decided I was a grown-up and it was silly, so went regularly to donate blood. I explained to the people I was trying to desensitize and they were all very kind and helpful.
Ok so maybe it is a stupid idea or maybe it could work
And yes, if that is your picture you are not ugly.
_________________
If you have one option you have an obsession.
If you have two options you have a delema.
If you have three options you have a choice.
Look for three or more options.
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Claradoon
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 24, 2006
Posts: 1330
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 6:27 am Post subject: |
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For me, the answer was EMDR. When I got home, Sis could tell right away (she says) that something good had happened. I was in my 40s then. It might be worth a try.
http://www.ptsdinfo.net/EMDR.html
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Claradoon
http://www.ptsdinfo.net |
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Ancalagon
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 26, 2007
Posts: 243
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:45 am Post subject: |
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There's nothing wrong with you. You were raped, but you seem to have pretty much dealt with that -- even forgiven the perpetrator, which I find impressive. You have AS, but that's more a speed bump than a roadblock. There are a couple of roadblocks, though -- fear of women and lack of confidence.
The lack of confidence is mostly a mindset thing -- you feel like a failure for not getting the girl, thus undermining your confidence, which prevents you from getting the girl, which makes you feel even more like a failure, and thus a vicious circle. Break the circle. Don't think, "I can't get the girl", think "I haven't got the girl yet".
Desensitization is probably the way to go for the fear of women. But don't expect instantaneous results. After all, if you had a deadly fear of spiders, you wouldn't fill up a bucket full of spiders and dump it on your head expecting to be instantly cured.
Good luck.
_________________
"If you can't explain something to a six-year-old, you really don't understand it yourself." -Einstein
"Don't think outside the box - find the box" -Andy Hunt & Dave Thomas |
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sgrannel
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 21, 2008
Posts: 562
Location: USA
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 8:55 am Post subject: Re: RE: Problem |
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| Aspinator wrote: | They also seem to have a problem with the fact that someone in middle age is not married and does not have children.
We all are going to encounter some "0s" in our quest for a meaningful relationship. We will eventually encounter a "1". |
I have encountered a few "0s" too who were quick to turn various positive aspects of my situation into negatives. Like finishing my Ph.D. at 32 instead of 29. It's strange how the more you accomplish, the higher the expectations, and satisfying those expectations is kept just out of reach.
How does anyone ever get married and have children if not having done this before disqualifies one? I guess the best approach would be not to say too much about having limited experience in one area and a lot of experience in another until the other person has emotionally invested herself somewhat. It's a delicate balance of what you should reveal about yourself and what you shouldn't, and I still don't have it all figured out.
_________________
White coats to bind me
out of control, I live alone inside my mind
World of confusion, air filled with noise
who says that my life's such a crime? |
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lisa81
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 644
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| Posted: Sun Jun 08, 2008 9:21 am Post subject: |
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People are sick hurting innocent defenseless kids. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Just as long as you know it's not your fault and love yourself and you done nothing wrong, she's just a sick B**** and should rot in hell  sorry for the rant |
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Dhp
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Age: 35
Posts: 181
Location: Florida, United States
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| Posted: Tue Jun 17, 2008 3:48 am Post subject: |
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| I just want to thank everyone for their support and help. Hopefully, I may make the right decision soon. I hope the best for everyone. |
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