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jwil314
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 16, 2008
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:21 am Post subject: Adult social skills issues |
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Hello
I am a consultant researching with hope to write a book for adults with AS with some simple activities and reflective exercises that adults can do on a daily basis if they want to increase their social awareness. I am looking for input as to which specific areas adults feel they might need or want support. This would be specific to persons who are interested in some self-reflection and have a desire to work on some social thinking, as I realize not everyone needs or choses to do this. Since I have developed many things for teens, I don't want to assume the same issues are most important for adults.
I would appreciate any feedback that you might have as to specific areas of difficulty that you (or your family member) may face in the day to day social realm.
Thank you so much for your help.
Julie |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:44 am Post subject: |
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I would love to know exactly what is so fascinating when people just talk for ages about seemingly meaningless mundane things.
And why some people take comfort in talking about their day to day existence as though it is interesting even when the person on the listening side is clearly not interested and checked out a while ago.
I struggle with conversation unless I know the person I am speaking to is on the same page- that is that they have a genuine interest or use for any information exchanged; as soon as I start to doubt that the conversation falls apart because I don't know how to talk about myself and to be perfectly honest I don't know why anyone would want to listen to me talking about myself!
I have massive inconsistencies in my learning process and emotional memory. For example I may say or do something which causes offence to someone else and remember it as the bad thing. Problems arise when the situation presents itself again and I do not have any sort of feeling to say it is bad. I am terrible at remembering and learning from mistakes. I have even bigger problems modifying my behaviours to adapt to changes in situation. Learning a new way of doing one thing will often mean I forget to do another thing. I am easily distracted and learning adaptive combinations of behaviours is like building a house of cards. When any sort of unscheduled outside influence comes and blows my house down I start to rebuild it but with different cards so I always forget to be doing something important and have a tendency to change direction on a whim.
I would also love to know any remedy to constantly over thinking, over feeling, being overwhelmed and over sensitive all the time.
I also hate the fact that I find 98% of people quite irritating and difficult to relate to and communicate with. |
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RustyShackleford
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Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 11:54 am Post subject: |
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| Ooh and another one that cropped up today- Eye contact, eyes are really pretty and when I make eye contact with someone I tend to study their eyes for colour/texture/condition etc. I have never really understood what the purpose of eye contact is in a conversation or when it is appropriate to use. Sometimes I try to hold peoples gaze for as long as I can whilst talking to them even though it feels uncomfortable, other times I have entire conversations without looking at someones eyes especially if it feels like they are looking for something inside my skull. People say I wear my heart on my sleeve and I do honestly feel somewhat naked around people I don't know because it doesn't occur to me to use body language or correct my facial expression. People read me far too easily. I feel like I cannot hide anything from anyone. |
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anbuend
Oak-Type Autie
Joined: Jul 06, 2004
Posts: 3197
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:36 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I would love to know exactly what is so fascinating when people just talk for ages about seemingly meaningless mundane things. |
I've had that one explained to me by several non-autistic people: It's a way of showing connection to another person. It's like grooming rituals in many other animals. It isn't literally just about the grooming for those other animals any more than it's just about the topic of conversation to many humans. To people who have these conversations, it's a way of saying, "Hi, I'm still interested in you, I still care about you, I know you exist, etc." and receiving similar signals in return.
That's what finally made me willing to take part in those conversations -- understanding why people engage in them, and then doing it as an exercise in translation.
_________________
"We may seem in the gutter from up there where you are but maybe you don't know we still see the same stars." -Donna Williams |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:42 pm Post subject: |
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| anbuend wrote: | | RustyShackleford wrote: | | I would love to know exactly what is so fascinating when people just talk for ages about seemingly meaningless mundane things. |
I've had that one explained to me by several non-autistic people: It's a way of showing connection to another person. It's like grooming rituals in many other animals. It isn't literally just about the grooming for those other animals any more than it's just about the topic of conversation to many humans. To people who have these conversations, it's a way of saying, "Hi, I'm still interested in you, I still care about you, I know you exist, etc." and receiving similar signals in return.
That's what finally made me willing to take part in those conversations -- understanding why people engage in them, and then doing it as an exercise in translation. |
Sounds logical but it's just so boring! Are there any prescription drugs that make other people seem more interesting? I have had lengthy discussions with complete strangers within a minute of finding out they are my kind of person. Everyone else is quite boring in conversation and I find it hard to feign an interest unless they are hot. |
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deadeyexx
Raven
Joined: Sep 11, 2007
Age: 27
Posts: 120
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:44 pm Post subject: |
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| What'd I'd like to know is why people have conversations as much as they do in the first place, and what is accomplished by them. Do they want information? a question answered? something else from you? If so, then it seems a very long-winded way to get any of that. |
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veruniel
Velociraptor
Joined: May 20, 2008
Posts: 432
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:47 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I have never really understood what the purpose of eye contact is in a conversation or when it is appropriate to use. |
I have the same problem. I look at people not because I want to or feel any need to do so, but simply because I've been told it's polite. And I never know how long to hold a person's gaze. The slightest change of expression always spurs me to drop my eyes and look down and away. I'd be much more comfortable looking down and away in every conversation, actually.
I've corrected this problem to some extent by observing how often other people look one another in the eye during conversations and trying to copy them, but I usually end up staring rather determinedly at just one eye and I think I still tend to look away too soon.
The rules of eye contact would be very useful to me! |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:50 pm Post subject: |
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| deadeyexx wrote: | | What'd I'd like to know is why people have conversations as much as they do in the first place, and what is accomplished by them. Do they want information? a question answered? something else from you? If so, then it seems a very long-winded way to get any of that. |
Exactly! I was always told that if I have nothing useful to add I shouldn't speak. I think that was mainly due to amount of random crap I used to come out with as a kid much to my parents dismay like in December '89 we were all in a hotel restaurant having breakfast. I must have picked up the name Ceauşescu from the news and proceeded to stab a sausage repeatedly with a knife yelling Ceauşescu! Ceauşescu! Obviously I had no idea what I was yelling about at the time. I probably just liked the sound of the word. |
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merr
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 23, 2007
Posts: 683
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:55 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: |
Sounds logical but it's just so boring! Are there any prescription drugs that make other people seem more interesting? |
alcohol?  |
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Jeyradan
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 400
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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Why can't you introduce topics that are of interest? Why does "small talk" always have to be about small things?
Why are some things socially inappropriate, too forward, or too abrasive, when really they're just honest and it's much easier to conduct social interactions when you all know what's going on? Why make people - NT or otherwise - guess?
What do you do when someone wants to make small talk and you don't know how to keep it going? (I was in this situation today and kept answering questions and going "and you?" but that doesn't always work, sounds awkward, and can't apply if they've already told you the answer to "and you?". Then what? I just don't say anything, but that leaves a silence that is apparently also not good.)
Is there any way to look attentive without having to make eye contact? (I am the most focused when I look least focused. Small work story: I was in a lab meeting where a fairly complex discussion about one of our custom cell lines came up. I was fascinated and trying to figure out some of the issues in my head, when I was asked if I was all right - and told that I looked as if I were falling asleep. Fortunately, my supervisor told the PI that "I always listen that way," but I don't know if he really believed it.) How can I focus on the conversation if I have to focus on looking focused?
_________________
"Maybe the ones who have it easy are missing part of the adventure."
- Martian Child
"Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties?"
- House, M.D. |
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merr
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 23, 2007
Posts: 683
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 12:58 pm Post subject: |
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| deadeyexx wrote: | | What'd I'd like to know is why people have conversations as much as they do in the first place, and what is accomplished by them. Do they want information? a question answered? something else from you? If so, then it seems a very long-winded way to get any of that. |
some people enjoy the way another person talks, their humor, their perspective etc. they speak for long periods of time because they enjoy one another's company. it's moreso about finding socializing relaxing and interesting rather than feeling a need to get something out of it. seems to me that long conversations are about enjoiyng the other person, and short ones are about an exchange of information and politeness. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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| veruniel wrote: | | RustyShackleford wrote: | | I have never really understood what the purpose of eye contact is in a conversation or when it is appropriate to use. |
I've corrected this problem to some extent by observing how often other people look one another in the eye during conversations and trying to copy them, but I usually end up staring rather determinedly at just one eye and I think I still tend to look away too soon.! |
Also something I do. Either that or I try to make the other person think I am giving them eye contact when I am actually staring at the bit between their eyes. I always wondered how it's possible to make eye contact in both of someone's eyes and whether they have a favourite eye that they would rather I stare at compared to the other one.
I love to watch peoples eyes but I have no idea what it's supposed to mean in real life situations, especially with people I don't know.
Thinking about it though the biggest social problem I have is vulnerability. It takes me a lot longer than the average person to work out if the person talking to me is making fun of me/lying/has impure motives. I also cannot make quick comebacks to other peoples witty banter and I always feel left out.
Success in banter both would be a useful skill to develop. I have literally no idea how some people formulate such witty responses to things that are said to them and fire them straight out.
On paper I can occasionally be quite funny and if I have time to think I can try a bit of banter but the moment has normally passed and most people just look at me as though I am insane when I make jokes as though I have a weird sense of humour! |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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| merr wrote: | | RustyShackleford wrote: |
Sounds logical but it's just so boring! Are there any prescription drugs that make other people seem more interesting? |
alcohol? |
That one has never really agreed with me and the other 'non prescription' ones seem to be getting harder to find. I honestly believe it is a basic human right to self medicate as long as you aren't hurting anyone else. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Jeyradan wrote: | Why can't you introduce topics that are of interest? Why does "small talk" always have to be about small things?
Why are some things socially inappropriate, too forward, or too abrasive, when really they're just honest and it's much easier to conduct social interactions when you all know what's going on? Why make people - NT or otherwise - guess?
What do you do when someone wants to make small talk and you don't know how to keep it going? (I was in this situation today and kept answering questions and going "and you?" but that doesn't always work, sounds awkward, and can't apply if they've already told you the answer to "and you?". Then what? I just don't say anything, but that leaves a silence that is apparently also not good.)
Is there any way to look attentive without having to make eye contact? (I am the most focused when I look least focused. Small work story: I was in a lab meeting where a fairly complex discussion about one of our custom cell lines came up. I was fascinated and trying to figure out some of the issues in my head, when I was asked if I was all right - and told that I looked as if I were falling asleep. Fortunately, my supervisor told the PI that "I always listen that way," but I don't know if he really believed it.) How can I focus on the conversation if I have to focus on looking focused? |
\
I always get that too. If I am concentrating intently on something it looks to the layman as though someone pressed pause or something.
IT'S DEFINITELY NOT LUPUS!
I love House |
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Jeyradan
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Posts: 400
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| Posted: Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:08 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I always get that too. If I am concentrating intently on something it looks to the layman as though someone pressed pause or something. |
Have you ever had to explain yourself? Have you found a way of hiding your "concentration look" so people believe you're actually concentrating? It's hard because I think it makes me look like I'm inattentive, and I imagine people think I'm making an excuse/covering up/lying when I say I really was listening. I could provide evidence, even reciting back the conversation, but no one wants to hear that anyway.
| RustyShackleford wrote: | IT'S DEFINITELY NOT LUPUS!
I love House |
Yeah! And it never is. I saw a few seconds of an episode the other day, where House has no team so he's bouncing ideas off the janitor, and the janitor says "Or it could be lupus..." and House just gives him a look. Classic.
_________________
"Maybe the ones who have it easy are missing part of the adventure."
- Martian Child
"Can you imagine how liberating it would be to live a life free of all the mind-numbing social niceties?"
- House, M.D. |
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