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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
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Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: Are we engaged? |
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I know engaged means two people are going to get married but if they both want to marry, does this mean they are both engaged or does one of them need to propose first and the other says yes?
My boyfriend and I want to get married but neither of us have proposed. He calls me his fiancee.
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DuceXcreW
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 10, 2007
Age: 21
Posts: 221
Location: New York
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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Yes and no.
I think anyway.
Yes, sure, you are engaged. But technically, with no formal declaration, it doesn't really matter to anybody but you. People will all the time be like "Yo where the ring at? Dog."
Maybe? I understand your confusion ^_^ |
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BoabDil
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Posts: 211
Location: Denmark
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 3:49 am Post subject: |
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Dont miss out on the proposal - its a memory that you share and therefore work as one more drop of glue in the bad periods that come in any relationship.
I had been together with my girlfriend for 1 year when I asked. I was certain she would accept - but damn my stomach was emulating a washing machine. The Yes was the best thing Id ever heard (oh and the 2 in church)
So make it happen and enjoy the romance.
my 2 cents |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 4:16 am Post subject: |
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Oh, it was like that in one of my relationships - we talked about it a lot, but it never amounted to anything. It was more like a fun thing to talk about.
In another 2 relationships, we talked about it and then it did materialize into something - a real engagement ring, wedding plans, invitations, family involvement etc.
I consider myself to have been engaged twice. I don't count the first one because we only proposed to each other when we were drunk, and there were never any official plans or family involvement. In fact, I don't think we even used the word "fiance(e)" with many people - it was more like something secret we shared to intensify our time together. 
I think it can be a beautiful thing, no matter how far it goes, unless it's causing you stress. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 20625
Location: Central Texas
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:38 am Post subject: |
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My last relationship ended with the engagement discussion. Then she dropped the bomb of wanting to wait 5 years before getting married.
And she was conservative as hell.
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:18 am Post subject: |
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5 years is a bit too long unless she was really very young like about 17.
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snelavasac
Hummingbird
Joined: Aug 25, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:02 am Post subject: |
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| My boyfriend and I are about at that point minus the fiancee part, although I know he wants to properly propose at some point. I call it being engaged to be engaged, but I think it's one of those things that's entirely up to you and your boyfriend. |
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lelia
Pika
Joined: Apr 12, 2007
Age: 56
Posts: 1405
Location: Vancouver not BC, Washington not DC
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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| There are different viewpoints, but mine is that you are not engaged until you have a ring and a date for the wedding. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 20625
Location: Central Texas
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:36 pm Post subject: |
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| Pandora wrote: | | 5 years is a bit too long unless she was really very young like about 17. |
She was 28 when she made that decision.
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mikebw
kyubi no kitsune
Joined: Sep 28, 2007
Age: 30
Posts: 1138
Location: Florida
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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My view is that you're not engaged until he has made his intention known to you(Proposed), to his family, and to your family. The ring is just a symbol, a necklace or bracelet work too, and can be skipped entirely.
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Spokane_Girl
I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more
Joined: Jul 17, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 3368
Location: Benny & Joon town (I wish)
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:57 pm Post subject: |
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| lelia wrote: | | There are different viewpoints, but mine is that you are not engaged until you have a ring and a date for the wedding. |
I guess we'll never get engaged then. We will just jump straight to marriage without an engagement. I don't understand why people need to wear a ring for engagement and marriage. What if we did set up a date for the wedding finally one day and made plans for it but there was still no ring? Would that make us engaged?
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 4718
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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There isn't a hard and fast rule. Are you planning to get married soon, or are you going to wait a while?
Technically engagement is planning to get married. Bu there is that whole social convention of the proposal.
As long as you want to be engaged that is fine. It's ok to have doubts and to communicate them. That's what didn't happen with my friend. |
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EvilKimEvil
zoo-music girl
Joined: Sep 27, 2007
Posts: 3040
Location: highway to hell
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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OK, I'll admit that I was drunk when I posted in this thread last night.  I had just come home from the bar.
Sober Reply, Part I:
A little-recognized fact is that engagement is actually a gradual process (I know b/c I've been engaged 2 or 3 times!).
It goes more or less like this:
You talk about marriage - tentatively, and in general terms, at first.
You discuss the concept of you two possibly getting married one day.
These conversations give you the information and time for reflection that you need in order to know if you want to get married.
You start to get excited about the idea that you hope to get married one day.
At the right time, one person proposes, or you both propose to each other, or you do some equivalent symbolic act, which often involves giving a gift (traditionally a ring) and saying, "Will you marry me?" or something like that.
You celebrate together privately, and then you go tell your closest friends and family members.
You start making plans for your wedding, and figure out how you want to handle all the details. This includes choosing the date.
You put that plan into action - send invitations to whomever you've chosen to invite, select and obtain your attire for the day, make sure you can use your chosen location on your chosen date, hire a caterer, hire an officiant, etc.
And then there are those brain-damage-inducing details that seem to cause most couples to fight constantly for a month or so before they get married - what color of flowers, how many flowers, what kind of flowers, what color the table cloths should be, etc.
The fighting may cause you to go back over the initial plan and argue about who you should have invited but didn't or the opposite.
Right before the wedding, you're likely to get extremely stressed about if and how all the details will come together, and how the people you've invited will get along (especially if you have parents who are divorced - ugh).
Right before the wedding, you have to go to your local courthouse and buy a marriage certificate. When this process is complete, you are legally married. Be sure to research your local marriage laws - some states may require you take a test to be sure you are not close relatives. So it might not be a short process.
Then you have a nice, happy wedding, and about $10,000 missing from the bank accounts of you and your relatives. At this point, you are culturally / religiously married. (Yes, marriage is actually 2 separate things.)
Then you have a reception (another thing you have to plan, in detail, and often with some disagreement and arguing). Receptions can be a lot of fun, but expect at least some of your guests (if not you and your partner as well) to get unusually intoxicated and behave abnormally. They'll also give you presents.
(I think the secret purpose of honeymoons is to allow you to recover from the stress of the wedding process.)
On the honeymoon, you'll probably have a lot of fun (don't get me wrong), but you may also sleep a lot and do whatever you do to recover from a time of intense stress followed by a big party. (I think most people actually begin their marriage with a hangover  ).
And then you go back to your regular lives. At this point, you have to send every guest a thank-you letter, thanking them for the specific item they gave you. The more guests, the more organization this requires. But you'll probably have some new stuff you can actually use, like a new toaster, blender, plates, fancy silverware . . . 
I'm sorry if this sounds cynical - I'm trying to do you a service by preparing you for the reality of it all.
Part II:
| lelia wrote: | | There are different viewpoints, but mine is that you are not engaged until you have a ring and a date for the wedding. |
I think the ring is optional - some couples can't afford one or would rather spend that kind of money on something else. But it is give your fiancee something with the same symbolism, even if it's just a beautiful rock you found on the beach.
Setting the date and sending out the invitations is one of the steps that makes it a sure thing. Same with other wedding logistics, such as buying the dress, choosing and securing the location, etc.
The engagement process can take anywhere from a few days to a few years, depending on the couple and how they want to get married (how elaborate they want it to be) and how much time they want to spend preparing for it.
I think this gives you a lot of leeway to decide when to consider yourself officially engaged.  |
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Social_Fantom
Unmasked
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 11414
Location: In the shadows, waiting for my chance to strike
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 5:08 pm Post subject: |
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I would say not officially, but it does seem that he wants to marry you.
That's awesome!!
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Cyanide
Leader of Shadaloo
Joined: Sep 25, 2006
Posts: 1317
Location: OR
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:02 pm Post subject: |
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| One of them needs to propose. |
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