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autisticstar
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Posts: 93
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 Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: Aspie guy's confusing behavior-please help. |
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I am dating a guy I strongly suspect in somewhere on the autism spectrum. We have been dating for three and a half months. He is normally very affectionate toward me in terms of holding hands, etc. Last weekend I went to a movie night at someone's house and before we went to the movie night we stopped and got something to drink. He did not hold my hand the entire evening like he usually does. When we left the movie night at someone's house he rushed out of the door and hurried toward his car and did not wait for me to walk beside him. I rode with him; he invited me to attend the movie night. He only showed me affection when we got back to my place and nobody was around. I feel so confused.
It was my birthday recently and he got what was a very heartfelt birthday card for me. The card said that I was very special and meant a lot to him. The day after the movie night he sent me an e-mail and said that I was beautiful and that he had a great time with me. He also sent me some pictures he had taken of a recent trip he took; they were all landscape and architectual pictures of churches and buildings. He gave me the birthday card the weekend before my birthday. He did not call me to wish me a happy birthday or send me an e-mail saying happy birthday. He called me up last night and said that he got a free shirt where he works and that he was going to wrap it up and put it in a box and give it to me as a belated birthday present. I know he doesn't have a lot of money and I wasn't expecting anything expensive. I just wish I knew if this was just social awkwardness or his way of telling me I don't mean that much to him. Guys, does it mean anything if a guy shows affection in private but does not show affection in front of other people? I am so confused. I really want to tell him that he is confusing me. Overall he is a nice guy and has always treated me well. I don't know what his intentions are and I really want to know but I don't want to drive him away. |
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Cyberman
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 25, 2008
Posts: 906
Location: Telos
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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Just because he's uncomfortable showing you affection in public doesn't mean that he doesn't like you. It could just be his social anxiety and fear of other people's judgment. Or, maybe he thinks it's disrespectful to show affection in public.
A lot of people have the mistaken belief that when you're in love you want to broadcast it to the entire world. |
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cyberscan
Snowy Owl
Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 134
Location: Near Panama, City Florida
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: We Don't Emit Emotions or Affection Like NT's |
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It sounds like the guy is OK, He may not know what you or others expect. We are usually both mute or deaf when it comes to body language kind of stuff.
I am 40 years old high functioning autistic and still am confused by what to do about things like this. Please be patient with him. If there is a problem, he will very likely communicate it in whatever system he uses to communicate with neurotypical people.
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I am AUTISTIC - Always Unique, Totally Interesting, Straight Talking, Intelligently Conversational. |
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n4mwd
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 08, 2008
Posts: 659
Location: Palm Beach, FL
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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He wrapped your present??? I'm an aspie and I'd never waste time doing things like that. It seems so irrational.
Anyhow, the only way to find out what he's thinking is to ask him. You can't tell by looking at him or by what he does or doesn't do. Aspies don't usually give off accurate body language.
Seriously? He wrapped it? He must be nuts in love with you. |
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CanyonWind
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 12, 2006
Posts: 1279
Location: West of the Great Divide
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 10:51 pm Post subject: |
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Aspies tend to be kinda weird, but it sounds like the guy really likes you.
When he sent you the email to tell you that you're beautiful and he had a wonderful time with you, I doubt if an aspie would email somebody to say that if he didn't mean it.
Those pictures from his vacation of churches and buildings, that's probably an intimacy, like he's reaching out to you to share the most important things in his life with you.
A T-shirt from work? Hey, it could be worse. I suspect Van Gogh was an aspie. At least the guy didn't cut off his ear for you as a birthday gift.
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Cerumenator
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Mar 31, 2008
Posts: 57
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:44 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah, sounds like the guy's ok. I've been in very similar situations with girls/women. I don't like PDA (public displays of affection) either. Caused some similar problems when I was younger, and now it's something my wife just has to deal with. She mentions it every once and a while as a negative, but if you asked her, my pros that make me different WAAY outweigh my cons. Lack of PDA being one of them.
DO NOT underestimate the photos. He probably spent hours on them.
I'd add that many of us try to blend in or be anonymous when being out in public. I think we pretty much want to be left alone. It's hard to imagine the harrassment many of us endure since kindergarden, it is part of our earliest memories.
So the desire to not do anything that would draw attention, questions, longer looks, provide an excuse or reason for others to engage in conversation -- is a persistent goal. The seemingly simple and innocent act of holding hands in public could do this. |
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slowmutant
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 14, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 6930
Location: Ontario, Canada
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| Posted: Fri Jun 20, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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I understand this concern about PDAs. I don't like them myself, especially when the amorous couple doesn't seem to realize they are being observed. Kissing, embracing, hand-holding is fine and can be nice to see, but anything hotter/heavier than that should be done behind closed doors. Out of respect for others, get a room.
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Ancalagon
Sea Gull
Joined: Dec 26, 2007
Posts: 243
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: |
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You listed about 7-8 things that show he likes you and 2 things that could be interpreted either way. I'd interpret them both to be general cluelessness about women and/or social behavior.
I can remember my own birthday and Christmas. (And the 4th of July, but that doesn't count.) And I nearly forgot about my own birthday one year.
Also, I started Christmas shopping last year after Christmas. As in January and February. The last family member to get his present shipped off also got a humorous note, saying that I knew it was late, but not to think of it as early April as much as very late March. 
I've never wrapped a single present since I moved away from home, and I only did it before then because my mom would make me.
The guy sounds seriously sweet on you. Talk to him, ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel. Tell him what's confusing you, and why. Tell him what you would have liked for him to have done differently.
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2417
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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| Ancalagon wrote: | | The guy sounds seriously sweet on you. Talk to him, ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel. Tell him what's confusing you, and why. Tell him what you would have liked for him to have done differently. |
Also let him know that it's okay to express affection, even in public. He may just be afraid that you would turn him down (something many aspies share...) |
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His_Angel
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:42 pm Post subject: |
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| I have to say I understand. I recently started dating a guy that lived in another state and he has AS. I've started right off the bat trying to understand and when I moved in with him it made some things easier but it is still very hard to work around his routine. Give it time and talk to him. I think if he hadn't told me up front about the AS I probably would have thought it was me and made myself miserable. I can't say things are always perfect but we're doing good. Tomorrow is actually our anniversary. It's a matter of how far you are both willing to go. |
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stochastic
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Posts: 85
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: |
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You should ask him.
Maybe he read in maxim it's bad to hold hands all the time in public.
Maybe someone told him he is too affectionate in public.
Maybe he interpreted something you did or said to mean he should stop doing that.
etc. etc. you really just have to ask. |
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ToadOfSteel
Extremist Moderate
Joined: Sep 24, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 2417
Location: New Jersey
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
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| stochastic wrote: | | etc. etc. you really just have to ask. |
That's probably the big point right there. Definitive words are easier for the average aspie to understand than vague facial expressions. Define clearly for him what you are and aren't comfortable doing, and ask him for the same information for himself. If he has any preconceived notions like reading something in a magazine, remind him that magazines usually shouldn't be taken as gospel. The relationship is between you and him, and what either of your friends say about it shouldn't matter at all either. |
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autisticstar
Blue Jay
Joined: Jul 31, 2007
Posts: 93
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:28 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for all of the replies. There is more confusion now than ever. I went to a large public gathering with the guy I have been seeing for the past three and a half months. We went to see a speaker and I ran into a friend of mine and another girl I had met before on one occasion. She is a friend of the guy I am seeing. He said in the car on the way to the event that she had called him on Friday night but he didn't have her cell phone number; he doesn't have caller i.d. or a cell phone. She mentioned to him that she tried to call him the night before. He and I sat in two seats in front of the two girls. He displayed affection toward me; he put his hand on my knee.
The girl that said that she tried to call him said that she and the other girl were going to go walk around some more. The girl that said she tried to call him said "We should get people together this summer and forget about life for a while." He was very affectionate toward me during the event. So I am really confused about whether she is really just a friend or if he is dating her. He mentioned to me that they had been friends for three years. I don't know where I stand with him and that is frustrating for me. I really want to ask him what the deal is but I really like him a lot and I don't want to run him off. I feel like a fool. We have never discussed whether we are exclusive or not. I'm not expecting a marriage proposal after only three and a half months of dating but I hate not knowing where I stand. Any ideas on how to approach this without scaring him off? |
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t0
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 378
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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| autisticstar wrote: | | I don't know where I stand with him and that is frustrating for me. I really want to ask him what the deal is but I really like him a lot and I don't want to run him off. I feel like a fool. We have never discussed whether we are exclusive or not. I'm not expecting a marriage proposal after only three and a half months of dating but I hate not knowing where I stand. Any ideas on how to approach this without scaring him off? |
If you want to be exclusive with him (you didn't specifically say) I would discuss that topic. I would tell him:
1) You like him
2) You haven't discussed the topic of exclusivity and don't know if he's seeing anyone else, but...
3) You'd like you be his exclusive gf.
I think if you frame it this way and reinforce that you feel this way because you really like him, things will go well.
I probably wouldn't touch the topic of the other girl unless you see some inappropriate behavior. Trust is generally a hard thing to earn with Aspies and if you don't trust them, it's going to be really offensive. |
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flailure
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 13, 2007
Posts: 623
Location: my office
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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He clearly likes you, a lot. I know I wouldn't be putting my hands on a woman's knee unless I felt confident in my connection with her.
It is perfectly normal to want to know where you stand in a relationship, but I would advise to be VERY careful over-analyzing the situation. It ALWAYS messes things up. Think of the scene in the movie, Amélie, where Vincent is running late to the coffee shop to meet her. 5 minutes late and she already had him pegged as a kidnapped amnesiac borscht-eating mujahideen combatant in exile.
Calm down, take a breath, and know that you're worth his unwavering affection. But don't demand it of him - let it come freely and naturally.
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