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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:43 am Post subject: Dating Sites |
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As the title suggested, this is in regards to me considering using the services of a dating site (like Match.com or EHarmony)
I have thought about it quite a bit, but I've heard mixed thoughts about it from others and have personally seen mixed results.
Basically, what I'm looking for is a brainstorming and peer review session. Let me know what ideas you think are valid, which ones are totally off base...things like that. (I'm not perfect after all, and either is my logic)
Alright, so as you probably know...I'm an analytical creature!
Here is what I've got down so far in regards to using a dating site, both Pros and Cons:
Pros:
1. Assuming dating is a #'s game, online dating sites have a huge # of people you can go through, thus giving you more options in regards to what your looking for and more chances to find a good match. (I would be able to immediately discard women with kids or with previous failed marriages for instance).
2. It would allow me to use my strengths for the "first impression". Normally your first impression is in a social setting, so body language makes a huge difference, as well as how you look, what your wearing, and what you say. I'm not good at most of this stuff. I'm ok with it, but obviously I'm not that great or I wouldn't be considering the online alternative in the first place. As such, making my "first impression" online allows me to skip the social body language/verbal component and go straight to what I'm good at, which is conveying my thoughts in a written format.
3. Even if none of the dates work out (assuming I get a few), the experience would be good to have for the future as I continue my self-improvement processes.
Cons:
1. I've got a mental block against online dating sites. I've always considered them as a "last resort". In other words, I feel like I'm admitting that I'm incapable of finding a girl "in real life" if I take the online route. (I realize this isn't necessarily true, as it is no different than joining a "Singles Group" at church)
2. I'm not ready to settle down and get married, what I'm really looking for is to have some dates just to date around and get some dating experience before I actually even consider getting serious. I've got the preconceived notion that the girls on the dating sites are serious and want long-term relationships though, which isn't the stage I'm at right now.
3. I don't like the thought of people asking "So, where did you two meet?" and me having to say "Through <site>". (another mental block)
4. Part of my family doesn't agree with the idea when I mentioned it jokingly. I try not to stir the waters if I don't have to, although this might be a time when I'd have to.
5. A dating site might find me a girlfriend, but it won't help with the other half of the equation (having friends in my new town in general). On the reverse side, if I had friends then a girlfriend would be easier to find and the dating site wouldn't be "needed".
6. There is no guarantee it will help me at all.
Reasoning:
I'm 23, never been on a date because none of the women I've been interested in have returned that interest.
I had no interest in dating the high school girls, and the choices in college were limited.
The original plan was to then find a girl once I got a job, but in reality once your working your time is more limited and the # of women you meet is severely reduced (especially working in the field of computer science).
So far I've done extra stuff such as joining different sports events (like playing on teams), going to the gym, spending time with church groups, all in an effort to "get out" and "be seen". After a year, still nothing (no friends, no girls my age that I talk to, nada). I feel like I'm fairly limited on what options I have left, as the current options I've explored have yielded nothing.
I'm afraid if I wait too long, not only will the available pool of girls shrink, but the likely hood that they will have traits I'm looking for will be lower.
If now isn't a good time, then when is? I'm not getting any younger.
I was going to wait till I went back to college for my Masters degree, but I figured there was no reason why I couldn't, and shouldn't, do both.
Thoughts, opinions, past experiences? (feel free to also mention anything you think of that I might have left out)
Thanks! |
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Pugly
Man-child diligently becoming a Dude, man
Joined: Jan 10, 2005
Age: 26
Posts: 2567
Location: Wisonsin
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:56 am Post subject: |
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The biggest con for me is I just can't be that attracted to a girl through an online profile.
I need to be really into a girl before I get the gumption to introduce myself and attempt to start something. This just doesn't happen in the online world... I need to do something... interact... before I try to go out on a date.
I also hate online communication... it's fairly un-natural to me... and I never really feel a connection doing it. It just feels like I'm going through the motions.
Also the profiles of most girls are pretty dull... it's all the same stuff...nothing stands out as fantastic. I don't know if that's just the matter of things with women... not that many are interesting... or if it's really hard to convey the 'spark' that someone has in a profile.
If some girl contacts me first, which rarely happens... I'm inclined to peruse it a little bit... to a date or something. If they are interested in me enough to contact me based on my profile (which tend towards the silly)... then perhaps they get me better than most others and it's worth a shot.
I had the mental blocks before. Now I don't care too much. It isn't really a matter of... oh online dating... what a loser to me anymore. I'm just not in a situation to really meet anyone. I don't go to bars or anything... I hang out with my friends... but no one is new. I'm not really inclined to just chatting up with random people. So there isn't really any place for me to find women...
Another good thing about online dating, it's a fool proof way of knowing that someone is at least looking for a relationship. So they are in the same boat as you. You can at least be sure you'll never get the "oh my boyfriend has the same exact shirt/music/blah blah blah as you."
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I hate so much about the things that you choose to be.
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lisa81
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 629
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:57 am Post subject: |
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I've been on dating sites and experience have been horrible....
it's mostly a meat market not dating... I dunno on the guys part.
It's hard cause you never have that "one" person... you're in competition with 5-20 men. depending if she's a serial dater. Some people get this net thing to their heads cause in real life this would never happen so they're blinded and judgmental to the max |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:46 am Post subject: |
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I've noticed the meat market effect with the free ones, but was hoping the ones that you paid for would be a bit more professional about it. Yeah, the competition thing isn't that great, but in reality its not different else ware. Girls generally have more than one guy after them anyways.
Even if the net thing goes to their head and they dismiss you because your 2lbs overweight, they are probably not who you would want to date then anyways. Yeah, if you got 20 guys to choose from you have to be more critical of them. You can afford to be, so they are.
| Pugly wrote: |
Another good thing about online dating, it's a fool proof way of knowing that someone is at least looking for a relationship.
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Yeah, that has always been a pain too. Its like "Oh, she's cute!" and then she's all "Oh, my boyfriend is so ....". Highly annoying.
As for profiles being dull, it is a fairly cut and dry procedure I'd imagine. Gotta really know what your looking for I suppose, don't know how you would not keep them from blurring together though. |
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lisa81
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 07, 2008
Posts: 629
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:18 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Even if the net thing goes to their head and they dismiss you because your 2lbs overweight, they are probably not who you would want to date then anyways. Yeah, if you got 20 guys to choose from you have to be more critical of them. You can afford to be, so they are. |
 yea that's my prob here.... I can't find a man cause I'm not 120. meh one day |
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n4mwd
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 08, 2008
Posts: 659
Location: Palm Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:50 am Post subject: |
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Guys who are successful with online dating sites tend to be fairly good looking. If you are in that category, then go for it. Use the best current photo that you have. Go get one made if you don't have anything. People on those sites don't even look at the ones without photos. Then if they like your main photo, they will look at your other photos. Go for the dashing look rather than showing extra skin. For whatever reason, too much skin in those photos seems to turn some girls away.
Once they get past your photos, they will read your profile. You should leave out the part about AS. If you can't do it yourself, have someone else write up a favorable description of you for you.
Using a high quality dating site is not shameful or desperate. Its just smart.
If you want to try something desperate, get a T-Shirt with "Girlfriend Wanted Text me at 1234567". I've never done that, but I'd bet you would get a response. Just hang out at the mall and see if your phone rings. Its cheaper than the $30/month you'd pay at the dating sites. (except for OkCupid.com which is totally free).
While I have never seen anyone do that exactly, I have seen girls text guys they wanted to meet. I was in Burger King one time and these girls at the table in front of me were giggling and pecking at their cell phone. Then the guys phone at the table across from me rang. He read it and then sent a return message and then their phone rang. They were less than 10 feet from each other.
One thing for sure is that if you are waiting for a hot babe to knock your socks off, you are going to be waiting a long time. Not all good girls look good. The hot ones, if you ever got one, would cheat on you the first chance she got or file for divorce the second something doesn't go right in a marriage. |
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1689
Location: travelling (currently Berlin, longing for the Middle East)
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
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I have thought of dating sites myself quite often but never ever used it. It is appealing because erotophobia and AS can be a wall too high to climb in terms of approaching girls in real life situations. But at the same time, it seems a bit odd to use some bits and digits as a method to find Mrs Right. I mean, it is so unromantic compared to meeting up, experiencing the spark and just move on together.
The one advantage I do see: you can immediately present yourself the way you are by describing yourself well in your profile. If you describe clearly what you like, what your ambitions and dreams in life are, what interests you have, etc .... then it is like you present yourself like a product in a shopping window, waiting for a lady that looks for those exact ingredients. By online profiles you sort of present yourself to the outside world and wait for the women who match your own interests and desires ; you don't need to search for women who share your interests like in real life, because everything is clearly described without having to filter much. Especially for people like me with somewhat unusual desires (eg my travelling lifestyle) it can be hard to find that 1 woman out of 50 who wants the same, while with online dating you can just describe your own needs and interests and filter the girls who match yours.
So I do see advantages in it, but the feeling that it is odd to use computers for dating makes me hesitate about it. It is not like I consider dating sites a last resort, it is just that I find it quite odd compared to spontaneous meetings.
_________________
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising high, aim for stars and hit the sky!
(Echo & The Bunnymen = gods amongst men) |
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LePetitPrince
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 3143
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:35 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Guys who are successful with online dating sites tend to be fairly good looking. |
They should be really good looking. Girls don't need to be very good looking to get a date from a dating site, even a night hag lady has a better chance than an heterosexual average-looking guy.'
If you are a heterosexual male then you need to be really good-looking (remarkably above average) in order to succeed in online dating ... and well-built body helps too. |
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LePetitPrince
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 03, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 3143
Location: Beirut , Lebanon
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:44 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | If you want to try something desperate, get a T-Shirt with "Girlfriend Wanted Text me at 1234567". I've never done that, but I'd bet you would get a response. Just hang out at the mall and see if your phone rings. Its cheaper than the $30/month you'd pay at the dating sites. (except for OkCupid.com which is totally free). |
That's the lamest idea that I ever heard in my entire life.
I am sure that it doesn't work (again ....unless if the guy is extremly gorgeous) |
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crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1689
Location: travelling (currently Berlin, longing for the Middle East)
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:53 am Post subject: |
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Nah, I think it'd work because of the novelty/oddity, some girls would find it original or somehow silly enough in a funny way that they'd react to it... Novelties and oddities attract people more than the usual stuff. The risk you may have is that the girls ringing also see it as a joke because they think that the guy with T-shirt is also wearing it purely for banter.
_________________
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising high, aim for stars and hit the sky!
(Echo & The Bunnymen = gods amongst men) |
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youknowandy
Blue Jay
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 97
Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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I signed up at e-harmony shortly after posting the "All That's Left is Dating..." thread. I have yet to actually "push the red button" and actually respond to any of the matches and put down the money needed to do anything.
One thing I'm concerned with is that I might end up going all the way with the first person I talk to who is interested, even if it's a bad choice. Like when I decided to go to the first college I checked out, always buying the first car I look at, and even bought the first house I looked at. Big decisions like that, I tend to get overwhelmed by doing the pros and cons of all the available options and decide to heck with it and just save myself a lot of agonizing and just go for it. Actually, I'm very happy with all of the choices I've made like that, so maybe it'd be alright.
If I do decide to try to start a relationship, it will be through a dating site. It will be so nice to meet someone who knows that there is only one reason that I'm talking to her for. No more making a fool out of myself or mistaking someone who is being friendly for someone who is interested or wasting my time with someone who already has someone... People say you have to be active and put yourself out there so people will notice you, but no, I refuse. Bible study once every other week is all I can handle of meeting regularly with a group of people for social reasons.
One thing about e-harmony is that it tends to give me matches that are similar to me. What if I don't want a match that's similar to me? Actually, I find the matches very appealing. But if I want to have kids, I might want someone who will be able to "pick up the slack" for dealing with the children if I am overwhelmed.
Online dating will be quite the new experience, which is why I'm eager to peruse this board for other members' experiences. I have to brace myself for all the chaos and trouble that taking the plunge might cause. I'm thinking of having a two month dating theme after my Vegetarian Theme expires at the end of August. See what can happen in two months. If the seeds for something aren't planted by then, I'll just take a years break from it all and try again next year. Cause it would be such a waste if something wonderful might happen but I was too timid and content in my ways to try it for even a little bit. |
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youknowandy
Blue Jay
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 97
Location: Twin Cities, Minnesota
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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| hey Rynok, I had to laugh when I found myself reading some parts of your posts in Sousuke Sagara's voice. He's such a great character. |
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Rynok
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 413
Location: San Antonio, Texas
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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Sousuke is my animated AS role-model!  I wanna be like him when I grow up.
As far as being hot or not, I'm just average. Plus, I'm not really interested in women that only look at your picture and decide in 5s if you are worth their time because they have 100 other males to "go through" that day. They also strike me as the type of girl that is just full of herself and needs to be knocked down a peg or two. Even if that is 90% of the girls though, the remaining 10% still leaves a good solid # of girls to date. I'm thinking it would just act like a filter system in and of itself  (This is assuming they would view profiles like I'd view profiles though) I mean, as long as their picture wasn't hideous I'd at least read their profile and see where they lived, heh.
As for the phone thing n2nwd mentioned, it sounds like the bluetooth enabled phones. I read an article about teenagers in India using their bluetooth phones to chat and meetup as opposed to settling for arranged marriages. (You can basically set your phone to have like an "away message" it broadcasts out to 100' or whatever, and then they can "reply" so to speak) I'd think that would be more "Oh, he's so cute. Look at the single guy" rather than serious interest though. |
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Space
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 03, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1627
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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| I only know one person who has had success on dating sites. He is pretty good looking and in good shape, also he is a pretty good talker and not very socially awkward. Maybe that's why. I think the 10 and 90 rule applies to these site, 10% of the guys are getting 90% of the girls. You have to know what to say in a message right away so that they reply back, and you can be stringing them along. It's so easy for a girl to skip over you and delete your message, because they get so many a day. Honestly, I think these sites give women too much credit. If you're a woman online you are probably either A) too bitchy and have too many negative traits to sustain a relationship, or B) you don't get hit on by guys in every day life. So I don't see why these women should be allowed to get picky. Granted this isn't always true, some women are there because they are intelligent/different and just can't get a BF or whatever, but they are the exception. |
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MR_BOGAN
Mysterios Dirty Dancer
Joined: Mar 06, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 1881
Location: The great trailer park in the sky!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: |
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I just use it and wait for women to contact me. I rarely ever make the first contact, because usually women don't even bother replying and you just feel rejected. Also a lot don't put a photo up, so 
All the dating I have was from women first contacting me apart from one that I contacted first.
A lot of women use it for amusement and a self esteem thing, so if they contact you first you know they are serious about dating and are not one of those types.
So my tips are put a photo up and put some effort into your profile and wait. If no one contacts you then there is no harm. I don't see any harm in trying at least.
One thing I've found that works for me is humour. |
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