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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 652
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:18 am Post subject: bribery okay? |
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My son told me last night that the teacher (aide who works with him) bribes him to do his work. If you do this, then we can do that. He dangles a carrot so to speak. I explained how it was harmless and that there are things we don't want to do so it makes it a bit easier. Then he said, they never get it easy in the war. Do you think soldiers do something they like to do? (where this came from not sure).
I don't bribe at home (used to) and so I told him it's a good idea and important to learn discipline. He said he didn't like it because it makes him feel sad inside. 
What does this mean? Why would be saying you have to clean your room and do your homework before we can go to the movie store make him sad?
Any ideas would be helpful.
Maybe it's the bribery that disturbs him? I stopped using this method at home because it seemed to bother him so much and he would end up not doing the thing I wanted him to do or it would take a LONG time to get it done. Maybe because he feels controlled? Not sure.
equinn |
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Sora
Love all, trust a few
Joined: Sep 16, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 2855
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:36 am Post subject: |
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Quite often, kids are sad because they have to clean their room.
In older children or and the younger ones who want to be independent, they don't like being told what they know they should do, because they feel they can do it without being reminded. (Though they can't (yet).)
Some are so sensible, that the reminder makes them feel like they'd done something bad. They interpret the objective reminder to do sth. as their personal inability to be 'good enough' and to please their parents.
For feeling uncomfortable with bribery, a child could for example think of bribery as stupid and feel cuddled by it.
Some children also gets really badly frustrated (even to the degree of tantrum or crying) because they imagine doubt their abilities and think they can't be good enough to get the reward.
Well, that are typical reasons for all kind of children at preschool and elementary school age.
Dunno about any reasons that would be specific to the spectrum. Edit: Because those I talked to who work with autistic children said that some children work and learn well with bribery. Some children are resistant against any type of bribery. There seemed to be no general difference from how non-autistic children react to bribery.
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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 652
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:50 am Post subject: |
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Kids with aspergers need to understand the value of what they are doing moreso than NT kids. So, I think maybe it devalues his math or spellling work and makes him perform more poorly on these important tasks and feel that he's being manipulated.
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:13 am Post subject: |
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Reminds me of the other week, when my boss told me I could only go on the dept. fun evening if I finished a certain task. I'd been looking forward to that fun outing, but lost interest in it completely the moment it became a prize rather than my right as an employee. I didn't even try to finish my task on time to go. It made me very sad indeed.
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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 652
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:25 am Post subject: |
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[quote="Greentea"]Reminds me of the other week, when my boss told me I could only go on the dept. fun evening if I finished a certain task. I'd been looking forward to that fun outing, but lost interest in it completely the moment it became a prize rather than my right as an employee. I didn't even try to finish my task on time to go. It made me very sad indeed.[/quote
Yes, you've got it. This is what makes him sad. This is what's wrong with the method of dangling a carrot (his special interest).
I don't have a solution. My son has trouble completing work that he isn't interested in. This is how they get him to do his work, through this type of shaping (YUCK). He's in the wrong kind of learning environment.
I recall him writing a 15 page report on a reptile. It was an indepth study in first grade. He didn't require any bribery for this.
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stochastic
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 11, 2008
Posts: 85
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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Often I see the parents of aspies saying 'how can i get him to do x' or 'how can i get him to understand the value of x'
Please consider that you are referring to the value of things based on your understanding and valuation, not his. Perhaps you can legitimately tie it into something he is genuinely interested in.
In our society we are taught to value performing well in school as an end in itself. Most of what we learn in school, the vast majority is of very little value to us in our lives. NT children see value in, or rather get value out of fitting in with the status quo. For aspies they are not going to fit in if they learn x or not, and so they do not have the same incentives a NT child would have.
Nothing in our world is an intellectual island. An aspie with an interest in dinosaurs may become very interested in exponential decay, which requires a large amount of underlying math to understand, but if you force him to try and learn basic exponents instead, he may learn very little. Many aspies later in life say that their parents efforts to have them succeed in school was a significant setback in their learning process.
By encouraging them to learn what they are interested in and helping them do that, you will develop a better relationship, and you will also encourage their natural learning path, which will usually naturally branch off and include, eventually, a very large and diverse set of knowledge. In grade 4 they won't know what every grade 4 student knows, perhaps, by by age 20 they will probably know more than anyone their age. Everyone else will, like you probably have, forget most of what they learned in school because it is irrelevant and they only learned it because 'that's what you learn in school' whereas aspies learn for a reason and the things they learn fit into a larger overall context of which they are a small but integral part. |
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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 652
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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I guess a sudbury style school or homeschooling is the only match for him. It will only get worse. Unless I were to medicate him so that he is too spacy to know what to think and just complies. I can't do that to him. Sure, he'll focus more, but at what expense?
He would work all day on computer, animation, comic books, chess, science, cooking etc. He would learn so much from his own special interests. He loves rocks, coins, archaeology, ufo's, journalism-he has so many interests. Yet, he doesn't like school. What does this say about his school? I want my son to LOVE going to school each day!
Anyone familiar with sudbury style schools? I think I've asked this question before. If I had more ambition, I'd try to open one myself.
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