A rather depressed and depressing "hello"

nekowafer · Deinonychus Joined: Jun 20, 2008 Age: 23 Posts: 351

Hello. This is... I guess, an overview of my life. I'm sorry it's so long.

All my life I've had problems making and keeping friends. I can only remember two girls who actually liked me throughout most of elementary school.. and the second we weren't in classes together, they stopped speaking to me. This whole time I was also being verbally(and sometimes physically) tortured by my siblings. I was also made fun of by my mother, often. Even now, she easily makes me cry.

Soon after kindergarten, my parents had a lengthy and painful divorce, where my dad took me away from my mom's house and kept me with my "new mother". I was eventually taken back "home" but we constantly moved around after that. This all contributed to serious weight gain and depression.

Middle school brought on physical changes, and a mother who wouldn't buy me clothing to support these changes. And in an area with mostly rich families, I was badly made fun of, again.

High school was no better, I was never dressed in anything that fit. This made it even more difficult to make any friends, but thankfully by this point I was mostly ignored. I ended up making a few friends but none of them have honestly spoken to me in years.

Today, I am 22(almost 23), and working in retail. I started with this company(a "gothic" teen clothing store) 2 and a half years ago, as a sales associate. I am now a part time assistant manager. But not for long.

I was doing fine at a large store in a rather quiet area. I worked with other weirdos, and mostly guys, for that matter. They thought I was strange and sometimes irritating, but they were usually nice to me. We could pick on each other and most of the time I didn't feel hurt by what they said. It helped that I had a crush on two of them. And they were all incredibly organized people, which is fantastic for me. But then I had to move, back into the city. This store was tiny, old, and just a mess. There were only girls working there, and they all looked at me like I was just disgusting.

I started having social problems.. the girls complained about me, said I was too mean. I tried to fix it, but was told that I changed what I said but not the tone of my voice. I kept trying and thought I was doing okay. But the store manager decided she didn't like me, and told everyone else about it. This changed their perception of me, and I had no friends. I also paid too much attention to small details that no one else thought were important.

Things were going okay, if not well, until this past Thursday. I got hit by a scam over the phone that caused me to "lose" $330 of the store's cash. Looking back I can see how transparent it was, how obviously fake it was. But at the time I thought it was someone from headquarters, someone I could trust. I'm so naive.

Now I'm going to lose the only job I ever enjoyed, if only briefly. I am not diagnosed with Asperger's, but all the research I've read tells me it's very likely that I have it. I've tried talking to friends and family about possibly having it, and every single one has thought that I am just trying to get attention. Or that I'm overreacting. I've gotten this reaction to everything, from being honestly sick to being suicidal. People at work think the same thing.

The only person that really listens to me is my boyfriend, Jeff. We started off rocky, but now he is the only person I trust. He doesn't know what to do, but he listens and tries his best to make me feel better.

I think I'm just looking for some understanding. Maybe even a little sympathy. If you've actually read all of this through, thank you.