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NeantHumain
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3717
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject: Aspie Women and Their Moms |
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In a group for young adults with Asperger's syndrome I attend, many of the women in attendance come with their mothers (for one, none can drive). One time I asked one of these young ladies about her college courses, and instead her mom answered. On another occasion, another young lady attended an outing, but her mom did most of the talking of anyone there. She demurely sat there, scarcely saying a word; I wonder if she got anything out of going. In other words, many aspie women I've met in person have grown up reticent and dependent in the face of domineering, often boorish mothers. Has anyone else noticed this? Heck, is anyone here a victim of this (male or female)?
My mom does like to baby me (and my brother and sister too). I, however, ended up pushing away from my parents to become more independent. I'm sure it's easy enough to fall into the overinfluential parent pattern when a parent is too afraid to let go and one is a bit shy by temperament to begin with. |
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zghost
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 29, 2007
Posts: 767
Location: Southeast Texas
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 12:39 pm Post subject: |
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| I guess my mom was slightly domineering, but my response was to push away as soon as possible. I'm very independent, can't really even imagine living like that. |
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Phoenix
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Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 1762
Location: US, midmap
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, my mom was very domineering. She bullied me but my father was the worst bully of all, lol. He was downright mean a lot of the time! They were both a couple of malicious bullies, my mom was more in denial about being one though.
Being a jr high school teacher, she knew how the system worked but still did not address my problems.
I think she didn't know what they really were, for one thing. Everyone thought the things I did were things I could control but chose not to.
Nowadays whenever I am around my mother I let her do all the talking for me, lol. I don't like talking to people. It's not that I can't, as a child I was overly talkative. I got in trouble for talking, perhaps too much trouble and that's why I am so quiet now.
I am very independent otherwise. I got my driver's license at sixteen and actually prefer to be the one driving when I am in the car.
Last edited by ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo on Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:25 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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DaQwerk
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 02, 2007
Posts: 157
Location: Land of the Orange Dragonfly
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 2:22 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, both parents were, but mother was one I spent most time around. She was and still is a bully.
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Anemone
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 43
Posts: 790
Location: Vancouver, Canada
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 8:24 pm Post subject: |
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I guess I was lucky in some ways.
My mom suggested I join an encounter group for teens when I was sixteen. When I got there and they asked me why I was there, I said "it looked interesting", which they took to mean my parents sent me. But I only went because I felt trapped and needed to do something. The only adults in the group were the facilitators, and we did structured discussions about relationship skills (it was a group for teens created by the Marriage Encounter people who thought if they only taught teens communication skills before marriage they could prevent divorces). I had to unlearn most of what I learned about relationships there (sorry, ME!), but I did get to practice talking, which helped a bit.
Maybe they should send the moms for coffee, so the daughters can practice talking more. |
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Purplefluffychainsaw
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 28, 2005
Age: 20
Posts: 345
Location: Oxford
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
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My mum doesn't usually talk for me except for when I can't talk for myself (fairly often). I got her to do most of the talking when we went to arrange disability services for uni, and she did all of the phone calls. I do talk to my peers, but I don't like talking to adults, so it's easier to let her talk.
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ouinon
chemical reaction
Joined: Jul 11, 2007
Posts: 3445
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 5:11 am Post subject: |
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No, my mother's OCD tendencies, and desire/need to control her environment, were held in check/overshadowed by my father's AS-style intellectual dominance in our family. It was out from under my father's infuence that I crawled rebelliously as a teenager.
On the other hand I have serious bossy/controlling tendencies as an AS mother, which because I am not with a co-parent who intimidates or impresses me, ( an NT who I have little respect for) is not held in check, except by my own self-awareness/compunction ( unreliable, but better than nothing) .
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anbuend
Oak-Type Autie
Joined: Jul 06, 2004
Posts: 3302
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 7:35 am Post subject: |
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I actually left home earlier in age than either of my brothers, despite lacking the skills to do well when I did so. I left when I was 19. My brother who is autistic but has more life skills than me left at 25. My other brother left in his twenties for a brief period but then came back and lived with them into his thirties, and he's non-autistic and has more life skills in general than the rest of us.
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Rainstorm5
Tornado Aficionado
Joined: Feb 20, 2008
Posts: 1103
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:08 am Post subject: Re: Aspie Women and Their Moms |
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| NeantHumain wrote: | | In a group for young adults with Asperger's syndrome I attend, many of the women in attendance come with their mothers (for one, none can drive). One time I asked one of these young ladies about her college courses, and instead her mom answered. On another occasion, another young lady attended an outing, but her mom did most of the talking of anyone there. She demurely sat there, scarcely saying a word; I wonder if she got anything out of going. In other words, many aspie women I've met in person have grown up reticent and dependent in the face of domineering, often boorish mothers. Has anyone else noticed this? Heck, is anyone here a victim of this (male or female)? |
My mom is and was definitely overbearing and domineering. However, not being one to listen to her, I fought with her over this and that for years. Funny that you mention that those girls are unable to drive. My mother, whom I suspect may be HFA or Aspie, didn't learn how to drive until she was in her mid-thirties. It was a fear thing, more than simply lacking the will to drive. I learned to drive at 13, though, because my brothers were lazy and wanted me to drive them on their paper routes, rather than ride their bikes. Driving was easy for me, but later on in my 20s, I developed a bad phobia of driving and would get a nasty panic attack everytime I got behind the wheel. I managed to get over it, but every now and then I get the jitters while driving.
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Bradleigh
Skilled Aspie Magician
Joined: May 26, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 4267
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:24 am Post subject: |
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Ok I am a guy but I think I can be involved, my mother has often been a kind of person that talks for me, like phone calls, information, filling out forms and genraly explaining whats my deal. She is quite good as she helps with the things I can not do but she seems to have a problem with telling I don't want the other person to know or getting up in small talk that make things take longer. Oh and she drives me as I don't have a license.
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blue_bean
Red in the face
Joined: Apr 14, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 1206
Location: Mid North Coast, NSW, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:24 am Post subject: |
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When I'm with my mum, walking downtown and we see someone we know, my mum immediately pushes in front of me and blocks my view of the person, so I can't talk to them. Then she just yaps away about me and other stuff she has no clue about. Talk about literally butting me out of conversation  ....
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"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and its filled with people who are filled with sh*t and the vermin of the world inhabit it" |
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Satellite
Snowy Owl
Joined: Mar 14, 2008
Posts: 173
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:28 am Post subject: |
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My mother is wonderful, and we all love and respect her a great deal. However, I've lately noticed that she has a tendency to act as my "interpreter" when she thinks I'm not being clear enough in what I'm saying. Sometimes that includes speking for me. She's not even overly talkative or overbearing by nature, so it's not something some do just to get attention. I really don't know how to feel about it, as even though I know she means well, I'm a bit too old to have my mother speaking for me. She didn't have this tendency when I was younger and we hadn't even really heard about AS.
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Tequila
Bigot Extraordinare
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Age: 20
Posts: 6519
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 8:41 am Post subject: |
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| Perhaps it's because they feel very maternal and protective about their daughters, that they don't want any harm to come to them. Even more so than men. I suspect in some cases that this can be rather suffocating. I have met one or two girls with AS in my time but none that I'd really want to have a relationship with. They either had an unattractive personality or had too many issues of their own. Sorry, but I'm afraid that that's how it is. |
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veruniel
Phoenix
Joined: May 20, 2008
Posts: 953
Location: England
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:43 am Post subject: |
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I was lucky, I suppose... My mother worried excessively about me and tended to be just a little overprotective, but she also recognised that I had to learn to do things for myself. She was good at reining herself in and encouraging me to be independent.
I still don't drive, though. Back when I was living with my parents, it was a bit of a problem as they had to ferry me everywhere. But now it doesn't matter so much, as I live in a small city and can pretty much walk anyplace I need to go. |
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Danielismyname
Troglodyte descended
Joined: Apr 03, 2007
Posts: 5926
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 11:58 am Post subject: |
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That's one conclusion, perhaps they need their mothers to drive them and to talk for them for they can't do it themselves? All of the young adults I've seen at an Autism clinic have been there with their parents or parent.
Do you know, that the majority of adults with [diagnosed] Asperger's live at home or in residential housing [that the government provides]? Is it more accurate to assume that it's the disorder that makes them homebound, or the "oven" mothers? Considering the mothers in question are most often "normal", just like mothers of "normal" people, but "normal" people tend to move away from home and live by themselves earlier and without the allowances made for those with Asperger's who wish to.
It goes from "refrigerator" mothers to "oven" mothers, both of which are psychoanalytical mumbo-jumbo that fails to see the disorder itself, and how often disabling it is, and placing it onto "nurture". |
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