I hate my life

tomboy4good · Velociraptor Joined: Apr 15, 2008 Posts: 456

Sorry everyone. I don't often get time to post. I have a few minutes to reply. Just wanted to say thanks for the encouragement. Life has been a huge source of frustration since I can remember, & I guess I am just getting fed up with living in a hostile environment. No matter how hard I try to do the right thing, or please someone, it usually backfires on me. I have lost my trust in people. When I have trusted, I have been stabbed in the back & abused. I have learned that people will say anything to get me on their side & then turn against me. I am rather like an abused animal especially if I feel threatened. I come out snarling & fighting...it's just ingrained now because I have been hurt so many times. People tend to judge without finding out the truth.

Anyway, about my childhood...I grew up as an only child until my parents got a dog & thought he was human. He could do no wrong, even though he was bad-tempered & bit people, & often animal control showed up to quarantine him. Luckily for him, he was small & couldn't do much more than small puncture wounds. Back then they didn't euthanize mean dogs like they would now. He bit me most often, & my parents thought it was funny, even if he drew blood. They told me I should be like my brother...I was 9 or maybe 10 when that came out. Today, I would have probably responded WTF??? Back then I just asked them 'so you want me to bite people?' My parents had multiple opportunities to get rid of me, & I'm not sure why they didn't. They barely tolerated having me around. I didn't have friends, just tormentors. What family knew me often said really mean things about me usually right in front of me. Even people I thought were friends would often say really hurtful things...I was thought of as stupid/dumb, etc. It also hasn't helped that I am outwardly ugly, hopelessly awkward with a broken personality. The ugly duckling grew up to be an ugly duck, if you will.

School was especially difficult. I was blamed for things I didn't do. Had some learning disabilities that were never diagnosed, & teachers were also quick to judge me based on what other kids said. Teachers said I wasn't applying myself. I hated school, & hated being at home, & there was no place where I belonged. No where was safe from abuse or torment. I learned to accept & tolerate pain whether physical or emotional. From 9 years on, I have often wished I had never been born. I used to pray to God at night to strike me down. Unfortunately, God has never listened. Even when I tried suicide, I couldn't get that right either.

My teen years weren't any different, nor were my 20's or 30's. Yeah I got married to an abusive manchild, whose family also turned out to be abusive. We had 2 daughters who he ended up with sole custody. I was told because of all the years of abuse that I couldn't possibly be anything more than a bad mom...too much abuse to the judges, attorneys, psychs, etc equalled I was not capable of parenting even though I was mostly a single mom when I was married (he was rarely ever home, & I had to do everything myself). So since I had no advocate (my own attorneys did nothing to help & just took what little money I had), I lost my kids. They are also struggling with life...their dad can't seem to care for them & blames their issues on me. My parents had the money to assist in all this, but 1st took my ex's side, & then refused to help at all. They are still alive, & they say they love me, but I can't understand how anyone could possibly love anyone they really don't like, especially mom.

That in a nutshell is my life.

tomboy4good