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pschristmas
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 02, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 90
Location: Buda, TX
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:27 am Post subject: Making Friends: Advice Please? |
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I have a problem with making friends and getting to know people. Here is the typical pattern:
1. Someone attempts to strike up an acquaintance with me, either by saying hello or making some comment.
2. It takes me a while to figure out what they're doing and decide how I feel about it, so I don't really warm to them immediately.
3. Once I get comfortable and start to return their interest, they back way off and start avoiding me. I'm not talking so much about romantic interest, here. Just interest in the person themselves.
Another pattern, less typical:
1. I meet someone I want to get to know, usually through school or work.
2. I strike up a conversation discussing our mutual interest, and they seem to respond well for a while.
3. The conversation moves beyond our mutual interest and they cool down and back way off.
Both patterns are usually play out over a period of days or weeks, mind you, not all at once.
Am I doing something wrong? I only seem to be able to maintain relationships that are held at arms-length and impersonal. It seems like the instant I start allowing them to see past the surface, they head for the hills. Or am I just misreading everything from the beginning?
Patricia |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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This exact thing happens to me frequently.
No, you're not doing anything wrong.
_________________
When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
~Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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Same thing happens to me.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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pschristmas
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 02, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 90
Location: Buda, TX
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:30 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, thanks, Tim and Greentea.
I don't usually think about it that much, but it happened again yesterday out of the blue. It's not so bad when I'm the one who initiates contact, but it's kind of annoying when they're the ones who start.
Wow, that smiley ad is annoying!
Patricia |
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Baffi
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 26
Location: Seattle
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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Some observations, from experience.
In the first situation, your initial, colder, response, might be making them uncomfortable. A lot of what people say about first impressions is really true. It's possible that when they meet you, and you act colder, they get the impression that you're not interested in developing a relationship with them, and fail to adapt to your later warmer interactions (possibly misunderstanding them and taking them as a way of 'getting something from them' etc)
It's possible to be warmer in your initial reactions, before you figure out 'what they're doing' and cool things off -- or cut them off completely -- later if you determine that you don't feel comfortable with the direction things are headed.
The second situation, in some sense, seems to be typical of how people make new friends. Some people you talk to once or twice and things seem to be going well, but once you move on to topics beyond your initial shared interest, there doesn't seem to be much chemistry (platonic or otherwise). Early in a relationship (over the first several weeks especially) it seems to be typical and accepted to just let things drop off (which it seems you've been on the receiving end of) if things don't seem to be 'clicking'.
What kind of topics are you talking about beyond your initial mutual interest? Presumably most things that you'd have a conversation with someone about would be a mutual interest. If you're moving on to something they're not interested in, or something inappropriately personal (I'm guilty of both) it makes sense that they would feel bored or uncomfortable and back off. |
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Reodor_Felgen
Counting down till Castro bites the dust
Joined: Sep 29, 2007
Age: 20
Posts: 1633
Location: Aspies for Freedom
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: |
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Glad I'm not the only one who have this problem.
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WP doesn't have a working first amendment. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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| pschristmas wrote: | Okay, thanks, Tim and Greentea.
I don't usually think about it that much, but it happened again yesterday out of the blue. It's not so bad when I'm the one who initiates contact, but it's kind of annoying when they're the ones who start.
Wow, that smiley ad is annoying!
Patricia |
You're welcome.
BTW, I'm not that far from you.
_________________
When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
~Meatwad, Aqua Teen Hunger Force |
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