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Lorraine
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2006
Posts: 5
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:48 am Post subject: Advice for AS teens who are addicted to computers/gaming |
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First and foremost, I love my son who I believe has many talents and much to offer our society. Despite my best efforts at parenting, I'm sure I have fallen short on many occasions.
I would appreciate suggestions from parents who have had success in helping their teenager overcome what I see as an addiction to computers (UTube, Krinkles, Newgrounds, etc.) and hand-held gaming devices. I have put external controls on access, however this has only lead to deceit and lying. My son will find hidden keys to unlock cabinets, smuggle in friend's joysticks and games, etc. All at the expense of his very expensive private school education. This year as a junior, his grades dropped so significantly that we were asked to look for another school. His school uses an online computer system that requires him to have frequent access for homework and communication purposes. The school even wants him to have a laptop for communication/update purposes during the school day, however I have not purchased one. I have locked him out of his home computer with a password, and he has used different techniques to trick me into thinking the CPU is off when I check it at lights out (including using a Sharpie to blacken the lighted dial). I check his computer history and see that he's been up all night surfing his favorite sites. With one year left of high school, I have no confidence that he will be able to control himself and concentrate on his academic responsibilities, next year or college after.
The result of these late night activities is that I have to wake him several times in the morning, while trying to get my other two children off to school, and take care of my toddler. No alarm will wake him (it wakes his two sisters in their bedroom upstairs), and after taking him by the arm and pulling him into his bathroom, he will pull his towels off the bars and go to sleep on the floor with the shower running. I then have to pound on his door and yell at the top of my voice to wake him outside the locked door. This Monday through Friday routine is stressful and draining for us all.
My son's explanation for his need to spend all this time on the computer is that he is stressed, and it relaxes him. He has been in Florida with his father for the past two weeks, and the behavior (including lying) is the same there. His excuse to his father is that he is on vacation and should be allowed to indulge himself and sleep all day. I think my son has a lot of difficulty with insight, and chooses to lay blame outside his own actions.
His psychiatrist suggested that if my son has difficulty sleeping, he should get out of his bed and read in the next room in a glider that is there. My son refused to try this even once.
My husband thinks that the principals of Scientology that he applies to his business practice will help him. Has anyone with an AS diagnosis applied the ethics and conditions technology? If you have, what is your experience?
Short of letting his future slip away due to his current behavior, I am at a loss as to how to help my son. His psychiatrist said I should stop all attempts to get him up or restrict his computer use and let him fail out of his school. I would appreciate any advice from parents who have experience with this behavior or individuals on the spectrum who have found ways to help themselves.
With hope,
Lorraine |
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Tracker
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 17, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:40 am Post subject: |
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My condolances to your current dilemma.
First things first! Your problem isnt a computer adiction. If he didnt have acess to a computer then it would be a game boy addiction, or TV addiction, or a playstation addiction, or even a comic book addiction. He isnt playing on the computer because he is addicted to it. He is playing on a computer because it is far more interesting then school, or sleep.
And really, can you blame him? I know that I am personally more interested in playing games and watching TV then I am studying or doing work. But there is a reason that I do these things anyways: Forsight
Forsight is the ability to think more then 5 minutes ahead and predict what the outcome of your actions will be. When your son is in his bed, he only thinks about how much he would like to play on the computer, he doesnt think about how tired he will be, or how it will affect his ability to learn. Nor does he care about learning because he sees it as a pointless endevour with no practical applications.
So then, your number one thing in over-comming this is to teach him to have forsight. This can be done in a few ways
1. Dont give him access to the computer (as in physically remove the hard drive, power cord, monitor, or something else) until he has first completed some tasks. These can be simple things like mowing the lawn, washing dishes, doing homework, etc. Dont get power hungry and demand that he do a 4 page long chore list every day. Nor should you stand over him and watch him do his work. Just give him a simple list when he wakes up of things that you want done that day. If the list isnt finished by bed time, then he doesnt get to use the computer tommorow. This doesnt force him to do the things when he first wakes up, or put any undue pressure on him. He can do them whenever is convienent for him in the next 16 hours. If you go with this approach, then you should explain it to him carefully. Make sure he understands that no chores = no computer the next day. As long as the list is reasonable, then he should comply.
This however does not solve his problem of not caring about school. He may still do the chores, then play all night and sleep at school. So this brings me to #2.
2. Ask him about his future. What does he want to do, what job does he want to work at, what skills will he need, what degree will he need, etc. This should help him realize that he needs to have certian skills, and a respectable GPA if he wants to get into the job he wants. However, this approach only works if your son is reasonable, which he may not be. If your son is unreasonable, then you could try an incentive/punative system for grades. If he gets good grades for the week, then he gets some allowance. Bad grades for the week means no computer for the weakend. This much like advice #1 will give him some incentive to actually do something.
These steps should help your son get more done, but ultimately these are just measures you can take while he is still at home. Once he moves out to the dorms, it wont work anymore. If you want him to be productive outside of authoritarian rule, then you need him to understand for himself why these things need to be done. If he doesnt understand what is so important about work or school then he will never try hard and he wont get very far. Dont let him use his autism as an excuse. I have it to and I still managed to get a degree and a job. Ultimately no matter how much you punish and reward him, it will all be an exercise in futility unless he internalizes the need to do homework, and try at school/work.
Which brings me to my unfortunate and somewhat unpleasent suggestion #3
3. Put him in a mental health institution for about a week for his autism. I dont exactly know how to go about doing this since ive never been in one myself, but others who have been in one may have some insight into the process. He is out of school, and he has no job, so its not like it will cause him to fall behind. This may give him a glimpse into why he needs to try at school, because that is the alternative.
Sometimes what apathetic people need is a swift kick in the pants, which is why they invented boot camp. Taking your autistic son to the mental health institute is pretty much the same thing. Its not my first suggestion, but it may be an appropriate last resort in order to provide him with some motivation.
In anycase, I hope that you will be able to talk this out with your son and come to a reasonable agreement. Hopefully he will learn to have forsight and self control, and you wont need to go through this. But it is far better to handle this now while he still has a chance to recover, go to a good college, and lead a successful life. If you wait till he fails out of his senior year for the third time and cant get a job anywhere, then it will be harder for both of you. |
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Jennyfoo
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2006
Posts: 520
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: |
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The only thing I can say is that if your son doesn't care, then there's really nothing you can do about it. He has to want a decent education and grades for himself. He has to want a life outside of his computer. So other than getting rid of all computers and computer access he has, I have no advice, but want to say I wish you the best of luck.
I have a horrifically gaming addicted AS husband. I have been very ill the past few months with what doctors think is rheumatoid arthritis compounded with Lupus. But will my husband get his butt off the computer to help out around the house when I'm in so much pain I'm in tears? Nope. Certainly not if he's got a prescheduled run with his online friends in the game. Screw the wife and let the kids suffer. Gaming is more important. He knows full well how I feel and how pissed off I am at him right now- the most horrific pain of all today and we've got social workers coming tomorrow- in the process of adopting our 8 month old. I've spent the evening doing all the chores he told me he would help out with by myself and I can barely type my hands hurt so bad. |
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twosheds
Raven
Joined: Feb 24, 2007
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:20 am Post subject: |
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| Depriving him of his special interest is a terrible method of behavior modification. It's probably the truth that it relaxes him, and having it yanked away may be incredibly upsetting, which is not going to be conducive to academic success at all. |
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twosheds
Raven
Joined: Feb 24, 2007
Posts: 121
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:30 am Post subject: |
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| Tracker wrote: |
3. Put him in a mental health institution for about a week for his autism. I dont exactly know how to go about doing this since ive never been in one myself, but others who have been in one may have some insight into the process. He is out of school, and he has no job, so its not like it will cause him to fall behind. This may give him a glimpse into why he needs to try at school, because that is the alternative. |
You'd *institutionalize* a kid because he's not being quite as studious in high school as you'd like?
What do you think the outcome of that is going to be? At the end of the week is he going to be a healthy, happy kid who has suddenly changed his outlook on the value of education and turned into a good student? Is he going to be a kid who ever trusts his parents again? |
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sorgenfri
Blue Jay
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Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Posts: 93
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:00 am Post subject: |
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| twosheds wrote: | | Depriving him of his special interest is a terrible method of behavior modification. It's probably the truth that it relaxes him, and having it yanked away may be incredibly upsetting, which is not going to be conducive to academic success at all. |
I totally agree with you! It is like denying an overtired person rest and sleep...
By forcing him away from the computer/games etc, you are making it battle, and he will do what ever he can to win. You are actually challenging him by using all these codes to keep him out of the computer. Try to make out a system for his use, the computer can be a "reward". I.E: after he has done his homework he can get "computer-time". In this way he will know that the computer is within reach, BUT he has to do his tasks first.
I use this system in my work as a specialeducator and it works. My students get more relaxed. Computer is like meditation for them. |
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matsuiny2004
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 23, 2008
Posts: 1443
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:27 am Post subject: |
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| sorgenfri wrote: | | twosheds wrote: | | Depriving him of his special interest is a terrible method of behavior modification. It's probably the truth that it relaxes him, and having it yanked away may be incredibly upsetting, which is not going to be conducive to academic success at all. |
I totally agree with you! It is like denying an overtired person rest and sleep...
By forcing him away from the computer/games etc, you are making it battle, and he will do what ever he can to win. You are actually challenging him by using all these codes to keep him out of the computer. Try to make out a system for his use, the computer can be a "reward". I.E: after he has done his homework he can get "computer-time". In this way he will know that the computer is within reach, BUT he has to do his tasks first.
I use this system in my work as a specialeducator and it works. My students get more relaxed. Computer is like meditation for them. |
I agree too. He should be told he has other responsibilites to get to before he can use the computer.
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n4mwd
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 08, 2008
Posts: 663
Location: Palm Beach, FL
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:20 am Post subject: |
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First things first, Teens need a LOT of sleep. You can adjust his schedule, but don't try to cut back on the number of hours he sleeps. ALSO, When you take away the things he loves, he will learn very quickly that he can't trust you. Try to remember that he isn't NT so the standard NT techniques for behavior modification do not always work and sometimes have disastrous consequences.
| Tracker wrote: |
3. Put him in a mental health institution for about a week for his autism. |
Well, I pretty much agreed with you until you suggested that. That is the worst thing that anyone could ever do to their child. Aspergers is not a mental illness. Its a social learning disability. To treat him like he is insane would be far worse than simply shooting him dead. I have worked in a mental institution before and I never saw anyone there that was there because they had autism.
It seems that the school isn't doing their job so sending him to public school where he can get proper training for someone with AS would be the best option. He should have been getting social training for aspies since he was little. Other than that, you could send him to live with his dad. His dad sounds like he connects with him better than you do. |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2398
Location: new england
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 7:45 am Post subject: |
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we went through this same issue when son was younger(13)......taking the computer away totally caused his stress, anger & anxiety to escalate even more. after much discussion with him and his therapist about this issue, here's what we came up with: 1. sometimes he really did physically need to be on the computer to calm himself down.he was allowed computer access on these occasions. he was also of the understanding that his time on the computer would be reduced if we caught him in a lie about this.
2. his "regularly scheduled computer time" was decreased. he was allowed a total of 1 1/2 hours per day to use the computer. he could choose when he wanted to use the computer, and as long as the amount of usage time added up to only 1 1/2 hours ( an amount of time we mutually agreed upon after negotation), he would continue to keep the privilege of using the home computer.
3. if he did any of the following things, his computer time would be decreased incrementally or taken away for the day: slamming the keyboard, slamming the mouse repeatedly, taking more time on the computer than his alloted 1 1/2 hours. The method we used for taking away privileges was as follows: slam the keyboard- off the computer immediately; slam the mouse repeatedly- you get a 3 strikes you're out warning; go over your alloted time- you get time taken off tomorrows computer use. for every 10 minutes over, you get 20 minutes off tomorrows use.
now , please keep in mind that all of these rules we came up with were discussed at length, and my son was able to have alot of say in what the "punishment" should be. Once we realized that there were times when he really, truly needed to be on the computer to reduce his anxiety , he was willing to work with us on the other points ( amount of time on the computer, and penalties for not following the rules ) ............I'm sure some of you think that his physical need to be on the computer was a bunch of BS, but had you been there, you would've seen the "crazy eyes", the arm flapping, the hand wringing, the pacing, the rapid speech- all of which were not regularly seen mannerisms.
#2 & #3 were also parameters we set for his younger brother. it helped that son was not the only one living under these rules |
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keeshond
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 26, 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:20 am Post subject: |
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| Dear Lorraine, Firstly, you have my sympathy! I am the mother of a 29-year-old Asperger's son who was not diagnosed until he was twenty. You have the advantage of at least knowing what causes your son to be "different". I always knew my son was unusual and I always knew he was intelligent - however, this was never reflected in his schoolwork. He didn't have a computer until he was in the first year of secondary school and rarely got to use one at school because he was too polite to fight for his turn and always got pushed out. When it finally filtered through to me how miserable this was making him, I was able to persuade his grandmother to buy one but, not understanding the technology, it was only very basic and had no internet access, which disappointed him but he could play games, and he quickly became obsessive with them. However, I was able to buy some educational programmes and suddenly he was able to get a high mark in a maths test- but the teacher just thought he'd cheated. By the time he was in his third year of secondary, his pattern of behaviour was the same as your son's! I tried many avenues for help - to no avail - then I discovered he had been enterprising enough to get himself enrolled in a correspondence course to learn a language at school that was not included in their curriculum. This meant he could drop a subject and spend several periods a week ALONE in a room with his language course which necessitated the use of a walkman (these were otherwise banned in the school at that time). For the first time in his life he had the ideal learning situation - one-to-one tuition with clear instructions and no distractions. He was an A+ student in German. When I finally learnt about it I realised that was the answer - school by correspondence. Considering he was failing in all other subjects at school, I managed to convince the headmaster and get through all the red tape by being a bloody-minded, determined mother, and my son started the third year again, happily at home, and went through to bursary level. He soon proved his brilliance in Maths, Science and Chemistry and went from a D-failure to an A-A+ student. English was more of a struggle because he said it was not a logical language (like German) but once he finally acquired a good computer, the hours he spent reading on it helped him to become proficient in English as well. None of this went smoothly, I must say. With Asperger's, it's always one step forward and two back. The anticipation of getting top marks in exams and the dreadful disappointments when my son would become so stressed out sometimes that, by the time he arrived to sit them, he could not even get out of the car. A whole semester's hard work would go down the gurgler! I have always encouraged him to keep going and said it doesn't matter how long it takes him to get a degree. The obsessive/compulsive behaviour is a part of them - at 29, my son has only recently felt the urge to learn everything he can about his condition. (I have spent years studying it)! For weeks and weeks he has been obsessed with finding out everything there is to know in the world (via the internet) about Asperger's. On this site, he has been delighted to find he has so many kindred spirits in the world. At the very least he has discovered that having Asperger's Syndrome is not a disability but a gift - he has a perfect understanding and acceptance of who he is and why he functions like he does, at long last. His present position is that he is STILL a student - having spent the past nine years taking papers in computer programming, software engineering and electronic engineering. He lives with a married couple (the husband he has known since primary school and was a neighbour) a few miles from me but comes home every day, at least once, and usually here for dinner. Last week, he had a job interview and that was only because a friend of mine set it up for him. He doesn't know yet whether he will get it and rather hopes he doesn't because he would prefer to set up his own business to work from home on his computer! He feels SAFE that way. When he was nineteen he suffered several panic attacks and was referred to a psychiatric unit for assessment. After a number of sessions with both a psychiatrist and a psychologist, I was asked to attend for the verdict which was - "no psychiatric disorder - your son is perfectly mentally healthy, just suffering from acute anxiety" - it was thought he had been isolated from society (peer group) too long and needed to learn to socialise and cut the apron strings etc. The diagnosis of Asperger's was missed. (A lot happened over the following year which eventually got him to Dr Tony Atwood and he was diagnosed as a classic case). I am writing this response to you because my son read about your situation with your son and recognised himself and me in it. He asked me to come and read it and then showed me how to sign up so I could respond and had the sensitivity to quietly leave and let me write to you in peace. To sum up, my message is: You can't fight Asperger"s Syndrome and when your son says his computer games relax him, he's not just telling the truth, he's treating his own anxiety in the only way he knows how. It's very common for them to stay up all night and sleep during the day - the world is a much quieter place at night and it doesn't cause them such sensory overload as the bustle of daytime life. My son now acknowledges his own obsessive attachment to a particular game and tells me he has packed his computer away to stop himself during the term which is why he visits me every day so he can use mine (until I kick him out) but he's now finished his exams and planning to reward himself by getting his computer out and it will be back into "the game" which is a world-wide competion one. Tonight he asked me what else he could do with himself if it wasn't that! I suggested he'd be better off joining a gym and getting himself fit - he reminded me that the last time he tried that I accused him of being obsessive about spending every day at the gym! Asperger's kids by nature are very honest people and your son to be resorting to lying is obviously desperate and really just trying to tell you what you want to hear. From my experience, none of the advice you have been given, so far, is likely to work. You may end up with a son who is suicidal if you don't take the pressure off him! I don't have the answers for you but I do understand the problem. When things got very bad with us, many years ago, I threw a few things in an overnight bag and gave my son ten minutes to do the same and get in the car. When he asked where we were going I said, "I don't know, we're just going to head south and see where we end up". He got such a shock that he came out of curiosity. I drove and drove until we finally arrived in a little one-horse, seaside town where nobody knew us. In a funny little restaurant, over some good food, we had a heart to heart talk about his nocturnal habits that were driving me crazy. I found out that he hated the way his curtains didn't cut the glare of the sun during the day or keep the moon from shining on him at night - keeping him awake. The result was we went to a curtain shop and I let him choose some plain navy-blue (patterns, stripes, spots distracted him) curtains with block-out thermal backing, poles and fittings, and that evening we headed home to solve the problem. Apart from not realising my son had been miserable in what I thought was the loveliest bedroom in the house with all the windows, sunshine and beautiful view, he had not understood how he was driving me completely bonkers until I reacted out of character. Good luck and do whatever it takes to COMMUNICATE with your very special boy. Regards, Keeshond. |
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Pandora
Cat Lady
Joined: Jun 18, 2005
Age: 47
Posts: 4684
Location: Townsville
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:59 am Post subject: |
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Perhaps it would be a good idea to take her son out of the expensive private school and just send him to the local state school instead. I also agree with the other posters who suggested talking to the boy and finding out what his plans for the future are. Even highly intelligent people are not necessarily academically motivated.
It's pointless getting into huge fights with him over the computer as he will find any way to circumvent the restrictions you put on him.
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Break out you Western girls,
Hold your heads up high.
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Tracker
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 17, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 200
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 10:17 am Post subject: |
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I didnt suggest going to the institute as a frist step, mearly a last attempt to try if all else failed. I sincerely hope it does NOT come to that. If she had a NT son who was addicted to smoking pot and didnt try at school I would suggest a trip to the homeless shelter. It may not be nice, infact it would probably suck horribly, but thats the point. Unless the son sees the negative consequences of his actions (or lack there of) he may never be motivated enough to do better.
I know it seems cruel, but if her son never tries at school or a job, then that is were he will end up when he is older. Either there or a homeless shelter, or the streets. And really, wouldnt you want your son to realize the need for work while he can still easily change and do better?
If your son can learn to control himself without going to that drastic step, then thats wonderful. I wish you all the luck in the world. I am just saying that its better to solve the problem now then it is to pretend it doesnt exist and hope it goes away. |
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Lorraine
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2006
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.
I have a very difficult decision to make this week. His private school will honor our contract for my son to continue and finish his senior year, and I have also met with the public school to plan his transition there. My son does not want to go to the public school, or school in Florida and live with his father. He feels very strongly about finishing high school at his current school, which he loves. I am worried that a transition to the very large, very rough local high school will be a failure because my son is so against it. His private school has only 60 students per class and is very accepting. I also believe his self esteem will be hurt by having to explain to his friends why he is not finishing at his current school. He has friends that attend the public school, and he will have to explain the transition to them as well. Frankly, I am most worried that he will refuse to attend the public school and will not get his high school diploma.
I have never heard of online high school courses, but will look into this. I do worry that a program that has him work at his computer will give him reason to stay at his desk all day and night, surfing and gaming.
I do not see my son's desire to spend time on the computer solely as a stress reliever. He knows me well, and I think uses this explanation because he feels it will get him what he wants by gaining my sympathy. I also agree that my son will use whatever material is at his disposal as an "addictive" activity. When he spends time with our family, especially if he is outside playing frisbee, running around with siblings, etc., I see him laughing and happy. He enjoys getting together with friends too. Since he has to do much of his school work using his computer, I feel he needs to take a break from it (preferably with a physical activity) in order for him to return refreshed, and ready to continue. We have spent a lot of time discussing how he can take a break to do what he wants when he is working toward completing his assignments (work for 45 mintues, take a 20 minute break and play on the computer). Even with a digital timer, he will not honor this plan. I have tried incentives. He was given $50.00 for every A, $40.00 for every B. Although cash is his biggest motivator, this plan was not effective at all. He does care about his grades, but lacks the ability to put aside his recreational activities and complete his work (forethought?).
My husband and I have provided every available therapy, skills training, tutors, social skills camp, etc. My son spent three years at an alternative, therapeutic school during the worst social years in middle school/high school. Are we wrong to think that it is time for him to step up responsibility for himself? He spent six weeks at Yale University last summer and loved it (there were no computers or gaming devices available to him). Right now any college looks like a long shot, all due to his inability to manage his time. |
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Geesmom
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jun 01, 2008
Posts: 34
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:19 pm Post subject: |
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Scientology woudn't mesh with my suggestion. I have two boys, one with ADHD and the other with AS (which I understand are neurological cousins). The one with ADHD also has some AS traits as far as sensory and routine. Anyway, hyper focusing is a very common symptom of ADD. Many autistic kids have comorbidities and ADD is a fairly common one. I'm not saying your son has ADD, only that you might want to look into that. My son with ADHD could play video games all day and night because that's what ADD kids do - they hyper focus on things they enjoy and have a difficult time focusing on things they don't.
For my older son, medication has changed his life and improved the quality of his life dramatically and helped him tremendously with his academic goals. I know this doesn't jibe with Scientology, but it has worked for our son. He's able to put the video games down and do his school work and go back to it now, whereas pre-diagnosis and pre-medication, he simply wasn't.
Again, I'm not suggesting your son has ADD but you may want to speak to a neurologist about any comorbidities that go along with autism and how those symptoms may be helped. There is also "green therapy" where nature camps and being outdoors improves focus significantly as well. There is also a lot of promise with Omega 3's if you want to go the more natural route, even without ADD, in a pure form, it can improve focus. Video game addiciton is actually an inability to focus, against what most people might think. |
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Mage
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 11, 2006
Posts: 839
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject: |
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Well, many of the suggests posted already I think were very helpful, but some of them were downright repulsive. Putting him in a mental health facility???
Personally what I would do is encourage computer usage in a beneficial way. Have him write macros and bots for gold-farming and sell game currency. Have him design web pages for people for money. Have him write in a blog and see if he can get enough hits to get ad sponsorship. Learn some more programming languages, or a new skill like database engineering.
When my husband was a teenager, he also spent every waking hour on the computer. But he actually did some really productive work, won awards for his efforts, and sold his own startup company by age 25. Computers are the future, and to deny him any use on computers is only going to make him angry at you.
You should however, restrict his computer use in a very structured way. No computer use after 10pm, only 4 hours of gaming per day, or some other measurable restriction. I don't like your current plan on alternating school work and play on the computer. A more productive way would be to have 2 hours (or however much time it takes him to complete his school work) first, and then he can use the remaining time for gaming. |
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