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fuzzybutt
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 26, 2008
Posts: 6
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 Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:59 am Post subject: Just left my husband (he suffers AS) |
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I don't want any of you to hate me because I won't be going back to him, and it's because of his AS. He is only just being diagnosed lately and it's horrible. I couldn't stand it anymore. the temper tantrums the violence his coldness towards me, complete indifference to the kids on most occasions.
After the psychologist asked me to explain his everyday behaviour he gave me a run down of all the other stuff I hadn't mentioned. I'ts like someone wrote a book on him specifically.
Anyway we're still talking and I'm in a safe place now. I don't walk around on egg shells any longer.
what really gets me is what has made him extremely good at his job has made him a lousy husband and father. |
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Pobodys_Nerfect
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 11, 2008
Posts: 414
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:08 am Post subject: |
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| Sorry to hear that. May I ask what he does for a job? Maybe that's stressing him out too much? |
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z0rp
Phoenix
Joined: Jan 05, 2008
Age: 15
Posts: 677
Location: New York, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: |
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| This is a bit off-topic, but is everyone with AS supposed to have temper tantrums and be violent? I've never done that though I hear of people with it all the time that are like that. |
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fuzzybutt
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 26, 2008
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: |
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Ummm police officer. The psych said that his condition makes him focused and unswerving, he's a very intelligent individual. It made him a great prosecutor, extremely detailed and his troops love him. He's the funny guy who knows everything. He's been stressed really badly over the last year going for promotion. It's been pretty bad. I don't know how the stress thing works though because he seems never to be stressed about anything to do with work, just at home. I expect him to be stressed (like "You've had three fatal briefs this week alone the coroners office knows you by your first name and you should really be showing more stress than this but it doesn't happen ".) And then he'll get really stressed at looking into the mouth of the kids who may have a toothache. what's all that about?
Last edited by fuzzybutt on Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:29 am; edited 1 time in total |
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fuzzybutt
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 26, 2008
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:25 am Post subject: |
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The real reason I'm on here is that I have children and I'm worried now because my youngest displays the same kind of traits as his father and he's such a lovely intelligent child ...........but .......now I'm worried. I've always been worried about him in social situations and the other kids seem to know he doesn't fit in immediately . My other children have no such worries and are very social. I've suddenly become concerned with what I always say " gosh that's what your father always does" . Or constantly picking him up on his manners when he knows his behaviour isn't right . He's not rude or anything but he's just indifferent to people when they talk to him or are friendly.
Sorry I'm rambling ......I've had a bad couple of months . |
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Zonder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 769
Location: Great Lakes
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:50 am Post subject: |
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| fuzzybutt wrote: | | Ummm police officer. The psych said that his condition makes him focused and unswerving, he's a very intelligent individual. It made him a great prosecutor, extremely detailed and his troops love him. He's the funny guy who knows everything. He's been stressed really badly over the last year going for promotion. It's been pretty bad. I don't know how the stress thing works though because he seems never to be stressed about anything to do with work, just at home. I expect him to be stressed (like "You've had three fatal briefs this week alone the coroners office knows you by your first name and you should really be showing more stress than this but it doesn't happen ".) And then he'll get really stressed at looking into the mouth of the kids who may have a toothache. what's all that about? |
I'm not sure how many would agree with me, but I have developed an explanation for behavior like you're husbands, based on observing people in my family (I'm not married and don't have children so take this for what it's worth.)
Many with Asperger Syndrome or Pervasive Developmental Disorder seem to have stunted emotional development. It's almost like emotions are stuck in a child-like or adolescent level. This creates great difficulties in relationships, particularly family relationships. Often in work the emotional deficiency can be masked, because the "emotional script" of work can be more easily learned through intellect and observation. Learning the emotional script of family can be much more difficult, and is often much more complex. Additionally, it is extremely stressful to respond to emotionally charged situations through one's intellect - and the fear is that one day people at work might discover that you're responses are not based on natural understanding and intuition but on a catalog of memory. The fear is that others will find out you're just a little kid inside who really isn't sure how to emotionally respond and has constructed an artificial appearance of being an emotionally mature adult.
Family is the one place where it is "safe" to reveal your true self - at least it is the place where those outside of the family have difficulty observing your behavior. It seems that in my family, when the pressures of work and family increase, particularly after marriage and then children, the men tend to fall apart emotionally because they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with children, and a spouse, and a job. Not having emotional tools in one's toolbox often leads to taking it out on the family with anger and controlling behavior, or on having risky behavior (that briefly allows you to forget emotional deficiency / responsibility), or turning to alcohol and drugs, or attempting suicide. Unfortunately, the individual is often not aware of what is going on internally - and why they can't respond "properly" - and that just increases the stress level.
With the stress he's been under at work, your husband probably feels that he is emotionally spinning out of control and he can't be honest about it at work because of his rather public and control-oriented position. Trying to hold it together at work leads him to not being able to respond to things in a constructive way at home.
If he understood that he doesn't have to be perfect, and was able to be honest and ask for help, he might be able to be a more responsive husband and father, but from my experience, letting go of trying to hide emotional deficiency is a most difficult thing to do.
Z |
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sgrannel
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 21, 2008
Posts: 550
Location: USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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That's too bad for him. Sounds like meltdowns. Doesn't AS interfere with certain requirements of police work, such as quickly assessing situations for threats and making decisions about what level of force should be used? Or did he train into all that? My experiences with the police have shown me that their skill set is very different from mine. I'm strong in areas where some of them are weak, and vice versa.
The degree of severity and expression of meltdowns varies from person to person. Not all are violent, and I am not sure all AS have meltdowns. Just yesterday I had an episode after my sister made fun of my hair and mom said it looks like crap. I am a bit sensitive about it since making the mistake of overbleaching it. (Hey I'm experimenting with how other people see me, it's not like I got a tongue piercing or a tattoo!) I sort of withdrew and felt mildly impaired for a half hour or so. That's my usual response to being overwhelmed these days. I am doing better to contain things, and not to yell or let things show too much. If he can train into police work, do you think he can train into containing meltdowns?
"He's been stressed really badly over the last year going for promotion." Transitions can bring out the worst in an existing condition, and place people at risk for developing new problems. Might his behavior improve once the whole promotion business is finished?
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You should get to know me better. No one's ever what they seem.-- Shirley Manson
Last edited by sgrannel on Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:13 am; edited 1 time in total |
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ManErg
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 05, 2006
Posts: 489
Location: Searching for diamonds in a sulphur mine
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:13 am Post subject: |
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| Zonder wrote: | | I'm not sure how many would agree with me, but I have developed an explanation for behavior like you're husbands, based on observing people in my family (I'm not married and don't have children so take this for what it's worth.) |
Zonder, I think your post is an excellent, insightful description  Well, at least it relates to my AS. I don't have temper and violence problems, though. I have the 'retreat inward' form of AS, rather than 'explode outward' type.
| Zonder wrote: | | Many with Asperger Syndrome or Pervasive Developmental Disorder seem to have stunted emotional development. It's almost like emotions are stuck in a child-like or adolescent level. |
I'd prefer 'different' rather than 'stunted'  I have emotional development, just not in the same direction as the majority. I think our emotions feel similar on the inside, it's how we express them (which is learned by copying the culture around us) that is different. To me it feels more like a lack of absorbing behavioral patterns from others. Research may prove me wrong, but even with AS, how can emotions such as love, fear, joy etc feel any different?
| Zonder wrote: | This creates great difficulties in relationships, particularly family relationships. Often in work the emotional deficiency can be masked, because the "emotional script" of work can be more easily learned through intellect and observation. Learning the emotional script of family can be much more difficult, and is often much more complex. Additionally, it is extremely stressful to respond to emotionally charged situations through one's intellect - and the fear is that one day people at work might discover that you're responses are not based on natural understanding and intuition but on a catalog of memory. The fear is that others will find out you're just a little kid inside who really isn't sure how to emotionally respond and has constructed an artificial appearance of being an emotionally mature adult.
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Yes, and in many workplaces emotions are meant to be totally hidden anyway. Isn't that effectively what a 'professional' attitude means - not letting emotions interfere with the task in hand. I agree with what your saying about the fear associated with hiding it though. I often have this undefinable fear of 'being found out' , yet I don't know what it is I'm going to be found out for  Maybe it's what you're describing?
| Zonder wrote: | | Family is the one place where it is "safe" to reveal your true self - at least it is the place where those outside of the family have difficulty observing your behavior. It seems that in my family, when the pressures of work and family increase, particularly after marriage and then children, the men tend to fall apart emotionally because they don't have the emotional capacity to deal with children, and a spouse, and a job. Not having emotional tools in one's toolbox often leads to taking it out on the family with anger and controlling behavior, or on having risky behavior (that briefly allows you to forget emotional deficiency / responsibility), or turning to alcohol and drugs, or attempting suicide. Unfortunately, the individual is often not aware of what is going on internally - and why they can't respond "properly" - and that just increases the stress level. |
Yes, after a day at work, I don't have the energy to keep this 'act' up. "What act?", an NT would probably ask and probably never understand the answer. They want to go out and socialise now work has finished. I want to sit in a quiet room by myself.
And why *should* this individual be aware of what is going on internally? Until I heard of AS, there could be no difference between me and anyone else because no such difference existed! Everybody goes along assuming uniformity and identical inner worlds. Any attempt to describe it failed as nobody has an idea that a difference is even possible. Words differentiate between things and words don't exist where no difference is believed.
| Zonder wrote: | If he understood that he doesn't have to be perfect, and was able to be honest and ask for help, he might be able to be a more responsive husband and father, but from my experience, letting go of trying to hide emotional deficiency is a most difficult thing to do.
Z |
Thats good advice, but maybe too late in this case or for many of us?
The drive for perfection makes sense in context of someone who continually fails socially. You don't know why you're not getting the ego-stroking positive feedback from the world. So you work at getting better at something. And of course it's never good enough, so you start blaming yourself for not being good enough. Then you have to spend even more time away from your family perfecting whatever it is.
I believe that AS people really *do* have to be better at something to get the same positive feedback an NT would get. Underlying everything we have this "unpopularity" that is regardless of whatever we visibly do. I see the incompetent, ignorant, unpleasant and aggresive people being 'liked', despite their behaviour. Whereas whatever I do, I'm never actually liked for it. A lifetime of this is seriously depressing and I guess we either take it out on ourselves or those around us. I seek perfection as popularity is unattainable.
Finally, I agree it's difficult to stop hiding it. This must have been a lesson learned and bashed home (literally, in many cases) at an early age. So what happens if we can manage to stop hiding it?
Is it possible to exist in the NT majority world *without* hiding our 'natural' emotional responses?
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Sedaka
Searching For My Catcher in the Rye
Joined: Jul 17, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 5213
Location: In the recesses of my mind
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 9:33 am Post subject: Re: Just left my husband (he suffers AS) |
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| fuzzybutt wrote: | I don't want any of you to hate me because I won't be going back to him, and it's because of his AS. He is only just being diagnosed lately and it's horrible. I couldn't stand it anymore. the temper tantrums the violence his coldness towards me, complete indifference to the kids on most occasions.
After the psychologist asked me to explain his everyday behaviour he gave me a run down of all the other stuff I hadn't mentioned. I'ts like someone wrote a book on him specifically.
Anyway we're still talking and I'm in a safe place now. I don't walk around on egg shells any longer.
what really gets me is what has made him extremely good at his job has made him a lousy husband and father. |
i've heard that one A LOT... and i honestly can't begrudge my loves for not wanting that.
i hope things turn out for the best... especially the kids.
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3158
Location: left coast
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:56 am Post subject: Re: Just left my husband (he suffers AS) |
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| fuzzybutt wrote: | I don't want any of you to hate me because I won't be going back to him, and it's because of his AS. He is only just being diagnosed lately and it's horrible. I couldn't stand it anymore. the temper tantrums the violence his coldness towards me, complete indifference to the kids on most occasions.
After the psychologist asked me to explain his everyday behaviour he gave me a run down of all the other stuff I hadn't mentioned. I'ts like someone wrote a book on him specifically.
Anyway we're still talking and I'm in a safe place now. I don't walk around on egg shells any longer.
what really gets me is what has made him extremely good at his job has made him a lousy husband and father. |
Fuzzy. Sorry to hear of your split, and congratulations for leaving. Sorry, but Asperger's Syndrome does NOT excuse violence. That's something else entirely, and you are right to leave. Children reared in an environment where there is significant violence can be severely emotionally damaged. You did the correct thing in getting them out of there, as well as getting yourself out of there.
Good luck.
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Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
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Fogman
Econo-class Iconoclast
Joined: Jun 20, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 2054
Location: SC, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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| fuzzybutt wrote: | | The real reason I'm on here is that I have children and I'm worried now because my youngest displays the same kind of traits as his father and he's such a lovely intelligent child ...........but .......now I'm worried. I've always been worried about him in social situations and the other kids seem to know he doesn't fit in immediately . |
This is most likely Aspergers, as there is a genetic componant to it. Take heart in the fact that you are seeing this at his age instead of always wondering why he's 'so difficult' compared to your other kids as he's growing up.
_________________
"Blessed are the Distinctly Alien, for they shall inherit the Earth." -- Genesis P. Orridge
Last edited by Fogman on Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:10 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Starr
Creature of the night
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Joined: Sep 18, 2006
Posts: 4321
Location: the misty mountain
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:47 pm Post subject: |
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I'm sorry to hear about your experience fuzzybutt, sounds like you've been through a lot. I wish you and your kids well. I'm just wondering how your youngest son feels about your comparing him with his father, especially if he has witnessed violence and temper tantrums by his father.
Kids often feel they are responsible in some way in relationship break-ups and if he's AS he might be feeling very bad about it, but not able to express his feelings very well. (I'm not trying to worry you, you've got enough on your plate at the moment, but just be aware that that is a possibility)
I hope things become easier for you all soon. |
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sgrannel
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 21, 2008
Posts: 550
Location: USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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You said you're not going back, but you're still talking to him. Have you finalized your decision to split? What are you looking to do with the advice you receive here?
I agree that comparing one of your sons to his father in a negative light would be unproductive at best and may seriously damage your relationship with him. It certainly won't help him overcome any real issues he may be facing. He may even resent you for not accepting him, resist your efforts to correct him, and acquire a harmful set of expectations about himself. How could you expect him not to be like his dad?
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You should get to know me better. No one's ever what they seem.-- Shirley Manson
Last edited by sgrannel on Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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gbollard
cosmic hobo
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3269
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 5:38 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry to hear about a marriage breakup but if there's a matter of safety involved, (emotional or physical trauma/danger), then you've done the right thing.
Try to keep the after-relationship calm - your children do need their dad.
Also, not all aspies are like that....
A lot of behaviours can be learned - I don't think we ever get as good as NTs when it comes to expressing emotions and reading people, but we can certainly improve a lot.
Also, frequent meltdowns are a sign that there is constant unresolved strain somewhere. Possibly, because he's a police officer, he would feel a lot of conflict because aspies are fairly honest and fair by nature - and the legal system .... isn't.
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http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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AspE
Toucan
Joined: Jan 01, 2008
Posts: 250
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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| OK, what's the problem? |
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