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tomboy4good
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Posts: 628
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 Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: I hate my life |
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Hi,
Just ranting I guess. I am really tired of living in a world in which I just don't belong. My mother didn't want me, she abandoned right after having me. Not that I can blame her...guess by the time she put up with me for nine months, she'd had more than enough. My adoptive parents constantly reminded me why my birthmother walked out on me when I was a baby. I grew up in a house where my adopted parents despised me...I never did anything right...was constantly reminded I was a mistake. Mom confessed that she wished she hadn't adopted me. Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Just can't see any actual value when I look in a mirror.
I don't have friends, no real family, nothing. I have a job I hate...I work in customer service, & have to put up with abusive customers constantly. I have heard that customer service is one of the worst jobs for someone with aspergers. I have no idea how to get a job doing something I enjoy...I just get told to go where I am needed & do whatever is expected of me. I feel like a huge failure. Feel like I will never be able to fit in, or even just be tolerated by others. I have even attempted suicide, & failed at that. Truly, I am a loser, with nothing to offer anyone or anything. I am a broken poor excuse for a human being. I can't even get a proper diagnosis. sheesh I am basically fed up with being a door mat for people to use, abuse, yell at, etc. People who get abusive cause me to shut down, & I can't even fight back. I guess I have been so conditioned to accept abuse (even if it's only verbal abuse) that I don't know how to respond in a constructive manner or fight back.
tomboy4good |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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Who said a person's value is measured by what they give to other humans? Whoever said it, I don't agree with them. How utilitarian.
And who said we have to have value?
I'm in a similar boat as you, only I don't even have a job. No family who want anything to do with me, no friends, nothing. An abuse survivor too.
I live for me, I try to enjoy whatever is available, that's my value.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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velodog
Gold Supporter
Joined: Mar 16, 2008
Posts: 1251
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 12:18 am Post subject: |
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tomboy4good, I looked up your intro post and note that like mqny others here , Greentea, Spudnik, Willard, Pakled and myself included, you are of the Pre DX generation. We don't have a monopoly on eating sh** for long periods of our lives, but we did face challenges that are different for our generation than for tha younger people here. With that in mind I hope you keep coming back and maybe you can get over feeling like a loser, that is one I am still working on myself. The history you bring up really is f**** up and tragic, enough to break some people, but not you. Try to focus on that as a point in your favor for a start, okay?  |
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CMaximus
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Nov 04, 2007
Age: 25
Posts: 179
Location: Staring at the Sea
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| I'd recommend you at least quit your current job. You sound pretty burnt out of it, and possibly even stuck in a rut with it, but just get your reference and quit is what I'd say. Even with nothing else lined up, at least you get a refreshingly new perspective, not to mention a profound sense of relief. I'd be willing to bet you'd soon be feeling at least a bit more optimistic overall. |
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mom2bax
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 12, 2007
Posts: 217
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: |
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no one is a mistake!!!!
your birth mother may have given you up becasue she wanted you to have a better life than she could have given you. she could have been young or unable to provide for you.
your adoptive parents are jerks. what a horrible thing to say to you.
Sometimes we just have times and places in life that are really low.
look at what you can change in your life, and look back at what you can take away from it.
maybe your job isn't right for you so look at what else you can do.
what do you like to do, can you find a job where you can persue your interests or at least use your talents.
i hope you find your inner strength to move beyond all this and find the support you need here on WP.
God Bless |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 57
Posts: 8059
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: Re: I hate my life |
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| tomboy4good wrote: | Hi,
Just ranting I guess. I am really tired of living in a world in which I just don't belong. My mother didn't want me, she abandoned right after having me. Not that I can blame her...guess by the time she put up with me for nine months, she'd had more than enough. My adoptive parents constantly reminded me why my birthmother walked out on me when I was a baby. I grew up in a house where my adopted parents despised me...I never did anything right...was constantly reminded I was a mistake. Mom confessed that she wished she hadn't adopted me. Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Just can't see any actual value when I look in a mirror.
I don't have friends, no real family, nothing. I have a job I hate...I work in customer service, & have to put up with abusive customers constantly. I have heard that customer service is one of the worst jobs for someone with aspergers. I have no idea how to get a job doing something I enjoy...I just get told to go where I am needed & do whatever is expected of me. I feel like a huge failure. Feel like I will never be able to fit in, or even just be tolerated by others. I have even attempted suicide, & failed at that. Truly, I am a loser, with nothing to offer anyone or anything. I am a broken poor excuse for a human being. I can't even get a proper diagnosis. sheesh I am basically fed up with being a door mat for people to use, abuse, yell at, etc. People who get abusive cause me to shut down, & I can't even fight back. I guess I have been so conditioned to accept abuse (even if it's only verbal abuse) that I don't know how to respond in a constructive manner or fight back.
tomboy4good |
hello tomboy4good,
I am one of those Aspie birth mothers that have no idea what my daughter's adoptive parents told her about why I was not in her life. I know I was beaten and abused and sleeping on some guys' couch when I went to the hospital to give birth. I know that the State was called in and my daughter taken from me in a flurry of documents and fountain pens and no council for me, just clucking tongues and rolling eyes at my hard scrabble life and unmarried state.
I work customer service because they are forced to come to me on my terms. No body language, no facial expressions only words, words, words. They can't come through the phone at me, they can't hit me or hurt me. They can yell, but I revel in becoming more and more polite as they protest, more professional as they bitch and moan, giving them more and more and more service until they are backing off and simmering down. I get top notches constantly because I do that thing of 'treating others as I would like to be treated myself' and in spades.
I can do this, but it is not my favorite thing in life, I assure you. But it pays the bills from day to day, and I am going to soon be ready to be put out to pasture and need to keep some sort of employment until then.
I have a huge scar on my face and a back that was broken in 5 places when the bicycle I rode off the cliff and into the canyon thew me into the creek as I tried to end my life thirty three years ago. I failed, too, to end my life. So I understand. My own mother, my birth mother was ashamed of me and wished to G-d, Jesus and Christ that she had never borne me. So I understand that, too.
If I were your birth mother, I would say: Oh, my dear child! I have treasured you in my heart all your life, for what ever good it did you, or what ever comfort it brings you now. I was born as you were, adrift in a world we never made, but the joy in my life has been that you were out there somewhere and I prayed that your life might be better than anything I could have given you. I am so sorry if it were not, just think, we could have lived together and we could be hating each other, now, rather than other people.
I didn't know I was a high functioning autistic, and years and years and years later when I found out, I wondered that you might not know either. Dear child, what love I have, I have for you. Forgive me if you can, if only for your own peace of mind.
ok, well, I probably am not your mom, unless you were born on the day after Christmas in 1969 in San Diego, CA. but, well, just remember you don't know all the circumstances and I hope you take everything you hear with a tablespoon of salt. keep your chin up, this life will be over before you know it ( I keep telling myself).
all the best
Merle
_________________
I freed thousands of slaves; I could have freed more if they knew they were slaves.
-Harriet Tubman |
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MissConstrue
~Age of Aquarius~
Joined: Feb 05, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 11893
Location: Anywhere but HERE!
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
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I can sympathize and can also see in your message that you've let these people define who you are as a person. You probably can't help but maybe your past and the people from that have effected you in terms of how you take offense to the presence. There are good people out there but the question is, are you willing to recognize those who do care for you.
If on the other hand you have no one as you say you don't, I would look at yourself first. I know you stated you don't like who you see in the mirror but just by that you believe and therefore you are. This is only coming from cognitive therapy I'm going through. I can't really help you about your job except look for another one before quitting that one. I know AS makes it hard for most of us to take the initiative to change. But through that painful procedure, I've looked back on what I was scared of when changes were occuring and it made life a little easier. That gave me a belief that I wasn't as worthless as I thought I was just by looking back on that.
Well that's all the input I can give you since I don't know you well enough. You're not alone in this because I can't tell how many times I've been walked on and made out to be either the bad guy or the idiot. I'm glad I don't believe all of that anymore from some years of therapy and a book. No you're not worthless but if you believe you are, it's going to be hard to convince you otherwise.
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Oh you can't help that. We're all mad here.
__Cheshire
6thSin:Envy |
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Boof1988
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 15, 2007
Age: 38
Posts: 32
Location: Ohio, USA
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 10:50 pm Post subject: Re: I hate my life |
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| tomboy4good wrote: | Hi,
...Yeah I guess I am feeling sorry for myself. Just can't see any actual value when I look in a mirror.
I don't have friends, no real family, nothing... ...I have even attempted suicide, ... ...I can't even get a proper diagnosis. sheesh I am basically fed up with being a door mat for people to use, abuse, yell at, etc. ... |
I often feel sorry for myself as well. I'm currently unemployed (on and off ~1 year). Am able to see value in myself but just can't convince/communicate that to potential employers.
I have friends (they are a married couple with children) but I don't see or talk to them more than once every other month or so.
Haven't attempted suicide, but came real close last fall.
Have been trying for a year to find someone (psychologist) to help me understand and overcome my many aspie issues and have consistently failed.
Don't know if this'll help or not.
Peace,
Bruce |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Wed Jun 25, 2008 11:46 pm Post subject: |
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I posted a support thread in the Work and Finding a Job forum a couple days ago, for those of us looking for a job and feeling down.
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 57
Posts: 8059
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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| Greentea wrote: | | I posted a support thread in the Work and Finding a Job forum a couple days ago, for those of us looking for a job and feeling down. |
post the link, chinashopbull! I'll show up.
Merle |
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CanyonWind
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 12, 2006
Posts: 1346
Location: West of the Great Divide
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 1:58 am Post subject: |
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Hey tomboy4good
I'm another of the older people here that grew up always being unwanted when nobody ever heard of aspergers. Actually, things haven't changed much, if at all.
My story's different from yours in a lot of details, but a lot of what you've gone through sounds awfully familiar. I was raised by my DNA parents, but it was very clear that I wasn't what they had in mind. I haven't been what anybody else had in mind either.
Most of my life, I've had to work at whatever job I could get.
I've been treated bad by an awful lot of people, many times. Somehow I've managed to get by, so far. I have had a few adventures, but pretty much always alone.
Years go by, and it wears on you when things never seem to change for the better, no matter what you try to do.
But I'm not certain the future's quite as fixed as the past. Most times I just go on. Sometimes I can find the courage to say 'maybe.'
And maybe there's people here who understand where you've been and where you are, and what it's like.
And maybe there's people here who care about you.
But definitely, since your profile says you like Irish music, you got huge amounts of class.
_________________
Yet could we turn the years again,
And call those exiles as they were
In all their loneliness and pain,
You'd cry, 'Some woman's yellow hair
Has maddened every mother's son.' -Yeats |
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BokeKaeru
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 23, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 507
Location: Alternately Los Angeles, CA and Northampton, MA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 4:03 am Post subject: |
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Hey,
I'm sorry to hear how bad things have gone, and are going. Just remember that you're better than all of those people who have hurt you and tried to break you - you survived their meanspiritedness, and came through (as far as I can tell!) to be a nice person nonetheless. If you want to talk sometimes, I'd be more than glad to hear from you. You sound like you'd make a good friend. Good luck in finding new work and people who appreciate you, and have a good day. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2528
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 11:34 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, I was in a hurry to work this morning. Here it is:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt69908.html
signed ChinaShopBull 
_________________
"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 45
Posts: 4995
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:22 pm Post subject: |
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Tomboy4life....
I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I was also put up for adoption when my mother left us(5 sibs). I went through the court system and eventually was allowed to contact my bio family and found out that my parents were alcoholics and my mother has many AS traits. She left 6 kids because she was over whelmed and unable to care for us not because she had no feelings for us. I think she assumed anything would be better for us, then her raising us. I don't think she has ever gotten over the depression from running away and that was the cause of her drinking.
I also could do nothing right with my adopted parents. I now believe that is partly due to AS traits they did not understand and still have no interest in learning about...I just sent my mom the second article on AS, and she emailed me back with no acknowledgement...typical. Knowing now, that the constant "picking on me" was their attempt to make me more NT, has made me feel a bit better. It doesn't help the fact that they don't like me now but it did help me understand why I was seen as so "defective" to them. They lack theory of mind, can only judge my behavior based on their own neurology...sad. They kicked me out at 16 because living with me was to "traumatic" . There was no idea of AS, (I am 44), and we were seen as either lazy, crazy or selfish. It hurt more because I did try and "be good" but some things were just beyond me and they saw what I did wrong and not how hard I tried. They will fly me out to see them every couple of years but never when other family is around. The simple truth is that they just don't like me as a person.
Did you ever have a tie in your life when a part of you KNEW that you were trying to be a good person ? This has been my saving grace. Some little girl in me that knows right from wrong and tries to do right...that is where I get my "self-esteem". I can do no more then try my best to be "my" best. I forgive me my mistakes and try and do better next time. I don't know where that comes from but it helps a little. It helps me to know that some of my "faults' (ie obsessions and difficulty with people), is neurological. Before As I just assumed I was crazy or an alien. Now I know that I am a crazy alien with AS
I am in the same situation with a job that is stressing me out and stuck because I have no idea what to do next. I am going to try vocational rehab but I'm not very optimistic. It is much easier to get help after you have gotten to the point of alcoholism or psychotic break....I think the only thing keeping me from that point is WP, my BF and my cats. I know I could get my life together if I could afford to not to work long enough to breath, but....that doesn't seem to be an option. All my energy goes to dealing with the job, recovering from the job or "looking" for a new job. Other options...trying to start a crafts store, have been dead ends.
I think there is some changes in the air t start helping adults with AS. I hope it comes in time for all of us who are hanging on by our fingernails.
_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesnt mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang
Visit my crafts store
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5412685 |
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sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 57
Posts: 8059
Location: Oregon, USA
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| Posted: Thu Jun 26, 2008 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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I wonder if Tomboy4life is going to come back and read her support?
Merle
_________________
I freed thousands of slaves; I could have freed more if they knew they were slaves.
-Harriet Tubman |
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