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Necromonger
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 27, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 4
Location: Norway
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 Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: Contacting friends |
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Ok. I'm new here, so I guess I should start by introducing myself. I am a 23 year old man from Norway. I have been struggling with depression and anxiety for at least 1 1/2 years now. It started when I started studying at the university.
It was a new city and I really didn't know anybody there. I have never been a very social guy. I am very shy around new people, and socializing makes me tired. Normally I have had classes with 10-20 people, so I eventually get to know people after a while. At the university there were big auditoriums with 100+ people, so it wasn't the small environment I was used to. It was set up some after class activities for new students, but I chicken'd out on it. A lot of people, noise and alcohol have never been an environment I feel comfortable in.
Not being a very social guy, I went days without speaking to people and just studied. After a while I started to get depressed, and my brain seemed to work slower: I had to work extra hard at math related subjects which I find the hardest. As I got more and more depressed I couldn't keep with my studies, and I failed all my classes. I knew that the lack of social contact made me depressed, but I really couldn't connect with anybody, and not managing my studies didn't make me less depressed. At the end I felt like I had the mental capacity of a 3 year old, and just seeing something resembling math made my brain lock up. I tried to make my studies work, but with all the anxiety, depression, and panic attacks where I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest, I eventually had to realize defeat. I moved home to my room at my mom's house.
Not managing to live on my own was a little blow to my self esteem, but I saw the need for being around people, and in safe environments. I started to walk a couple hours every day, lost some weight, and started to work so I at least was doing something useful. I was still depressed, so after 3 months or so I couldn't do my job properly, and had to quit.
Went to my GP who took a MR scan of my head to rule that out, put me on anti-depressants, and then sent me to a psychologist. The psychologist mentioned Asperger's after a few sessions. Researched it when I came home, and took a test at rdos. Scored 159 Aspie points, and 45 NT points, and it says it is a high probability that I have AS. The more I read, the more I feel that it is a correct diagnosis. It really explains a lot of my social problems. Reading here on WP I see that I am not the only one struggling with these things, and it helps me work up the courage to make a post here myself. The psychologist that specializes in autism is on vacation, so I will have to wait on a proper diagnosis though.
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Ok. Long introduction, so I hope you are still with me  .
Over to the question: In the past I have always felt that I am the one that has to make contact with people I know, and never the other way around. This have made me believe that they don't really want to hang out with me. I feel that it has to go both ways. Sometime they contact should contact me, so that the relationship feels mutual. I have never been good at reading people, so I have no idea how much they like me, or even if they like me at all. Some people I have only met at school, and not much after that because I felt exhausted after socializing all day. I guess they are not really friends, just acquaintances. I have a couple of childhood friends, but I haven't seen them in years, and they haven't really made an effort to contact me, so I have no idea where I stand with them. I guess I could contact them, and if they don't want to see me they will just say no, but I have have observed that people will go to great lengths to be nice. Even if they don't like people. Since our parent's meet sometimes at the local grocery store, and the fact that we have gone to school together for years, it seems even more likely that they would see me just to be nice. What do you guys think? Do the fact that they don't call me to hang out mean they doesn't like me, or could there be other reasons? I am useally a funny guy, and I have always thought that we have a nice time together, but with my declining list of friends I guess I must do something wrong. I found out today that in the past my friends have mentioned to my mother that I seem kind of lofty when I see them at the grocery store or walking on the side of the road. I always nodded when I see people I recognize, but I guess that is not enough. If my friends think I walk around thinking I am too good to talk to them or something I guess I can understand the not contacting me part. It really isn't the case, but I guess I should have done some "small talk" every time I see them. It really seems strange to me to say something like "nice weather today", when they have perfectly good eyes themselves. Something like "did you see the game last night?" would seem very odd coming from me. I have never hidden the fact that I find sports boring. In fact, that is the reason that I stood in front of the school entrance to the door every recess while the other kids played football or something. I have always found technical stuff like computers the most interesting. I have a feeling that saying "how's your computer?" isn't a proper form of small talk .
I would really like your thoughts on this. Too bad people doesn't come with an instruction manual  |
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ignisfatuus
Raven
Joined: Feb 06, 2008
Posts: 116
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 9:58 pm Post subject: |
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Your dilemma mirrors my situation in many respects, and although I've seen the error of my ways (so to speak) through retrospective analysis and a late understanding of my disorder, I have yet to put what I've discovered into practice. I was always accused of being "lofty", as you put it, or aloof. This wasn't intentional. If anything, I was scared out of my mind from the maelstrom of environmental stimuli during my school years, and this, coupled with the hormonal assault of adolescence did not result in a pleasing time in public school (to put it mildly).
So what did I learn in the meantime, exactly? Relationships require maintenance. If people are constantly having to call you without receiving a call in return, they feel that they are doing the chasing and quickly come to resent it as it results in a perceived power imbalance. Friendship also involves having to discuss things that do not necessarily interest you. This is probably what trips up a lot of people with AS as a number of them like to steer the conversation to their perseveration. It seems you have mostly intuited these conclusions yourself and are hesitant to employ them because doing so would violate your system of logic. I'm pretty much at the same point and haven't stepped past it yet.
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"In certain kinds of writing, particularly in art criticism and literary criticism, it is normal to come across long passages which are almost completely lacking in meaning." George Orwell |
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Necromonger
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 27, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 4
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sat Jun 28, 2008 10:46 am Post subject: |
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Well, it's more the other way around. I have to call them, and they don't call me. But, I guess there could be another reason for not calling, other than not liking me.
You could be right about not talking enough about their interests. I try to listen when they talk about their interests, but I'm not sure if I'm able to conceal the fact that I'm really not interested. Also I never talk about my feelings, and what's bothering me. In the past I have been living in a state of denial, and focused on my obsessions to avoid thinking about the stuff I can't do properly. Like social relationships. In the past I have always felt that the personal things I tell people will be used against me. This have caused me to shut down emotionally, and hide my shortcomings. I have always kept up a facade of not caring, and being lazy to conceal my real reasons for not managing some social situations. I have done this so much that I have been doing this automatically and not thinking about why. I guess I should give my friends another chance, and try opening up some more, so they better can understand me. I am a little anxious about sharing my feelings thought, and not sure If I should disclose the fact that I have AS. |
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