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cursed_brunette
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 92
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 Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 10:46 am Post subject: Later Dx ~ Denial, ACCEPTANCE .... |
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Okay this question might seem simple to some but I am wondering for the people that were dx'd later in life.
How did you handle it?
Did you just walk away from the NT world?
How did you find what was really important to you?
What made you happy?
Right now I am swimming in confusion...
Part of me is still trying to blend in & part of me is working on finding what is important to me. Social Isolation is the most comfortable for me but it is also a lonely place to be... |
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Nan
Phoenix
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Location: left coast
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 11:31 am Post subject: |
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I was in my late forties when I got something approximating an official "diagnosis" - when the guru waved the official piece of paper over me and pronounced me as on the spectrum. 
I'm still the same person I always was. The only thing the dx did for me was to provide me with a name I researched in the journals and textbooks - the contents of which helped me understand how my interactions with others had been shaped by "it" over the years. I can look back and see where interpersonal disasters were more communication and expectation disasters, and why they turned out as they did. If nothing else, "it" means I'm not alone - there are others who are like me (for wont of a better term right now, coffee isn't strong enough this morning) out there. Which was a bit hard to process, initially, really.
I can also see some pretty stark differences in the way in which I experience and process life in comparison to a "typical" NT person and how, given that, how NTs in general most likely have absolutely no clue that my world (Aspieland) exists. If anything, my world has broadened a bit to include an understanding of theirs.
Too bad it doesn't work in the reverse, though.
Take a deep breath, you'll still be you in the morning.
_________________
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
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richie
Ye Olde Bookwyrme
Joined: Jan 10, 2007
Age: 50
Posts: 12016
Location: Lake Whoop-Dee-Doo, Pennsylvania
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liloleme
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 09, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 413
Location: California
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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Hello, my name is April I am also new to this site and this is the first time I have posted. I was also recently diagnosed. I am 40 years old.
"How did you handle it? "
I had done some research before I was diagnosed because my youngest was diagnosed with ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). At the urging of my husband and family I saw the psychiatrist. I think it has been a good thing I have learned alot since my diagnosis and its helped me to see another side of the world that I was apparently blind to before. I had always assumed that everyone else thought and felt the same as I did but apparently that is not the case.
"Did you just walk away from the NT world? "
I think before my diagnosis that is what I was doing. I had quit my job as a Phlebotomist because I could no longer handle the social aspect of my job. Some people would put me over the edge and its not easy drawing someones blood in the throes of a panic attack. Not to mention the missunderstandings and general drama with coworkers. It was much easier for me to work in the hospital where everyone was ill than it was to work in an office where people were mainly well and upwardly mobile 
I was feeling very badly about myself as a professional and strangly enough my diagnosis has made me feel better about it all. Not that having AS is a good excuse but its a reason I behave the way I do and I think when you have that knowledge you can work to make things better. I think that eventually I will be able to go back to work but right now Im a bit too busy with my kids. Also considering that I have five kids that include two "aspies" and one "autie" it just wouldnt be fair to hide away. I have to put myself out in the general public and I think that this is, dare I say, good for me 
"How did you find what was really important to you? "
The same things that were important to me before are important to me now. My kids, familly, animals, discovery health channel,vein and arteries.....tetris, you know stuff like that
"What made you happy?"
Im assuming you want to know what made me happy about my diagnosis so I will say that just the knowledge itself makes me happy.
"Right now I am swimming in confusion... "
I can relate to that. I think the best thing to do is learn all you can and talk to others who also have Asperger's. I think the internet is a very powerful tool for us as it can make socialization a bit easier among many other things. Also, depending where you live there are support groups for adults with AS.
Personally Ive discovered that I was far more confused before I was diagnosed than after. I feel like things are more clear now thanks to the people who have walked here before me.  |
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Willard
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 606
Location: Confederate States of America
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: Re: Later Dx ~ Denial, ACCEPTANCE .... |
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| cursed_brunette wrote: | Okay this question might seem simple to some but I am wondering for the people that were dx'd later in life.
How did you handle it? |
When it was first brought to my attention, it was sort of a novelty - as soon as I read an article describing the disorder and it's symptoms I knew immediately that it described me to a tee. (So did the family members who sent it to me). I took it more seriously than say a newspaper astrology column, but as there was no treatment, I just went on with my life. It was several years later that I had an opportunity to discuss it with a professional and began to study it more in-depth. The more I learned, the more amazed I was to find how deeply my AS had affected virtually every aspect of my life since i was a small child. Every scholastic issue, every romantic relationship, every job and friendship and social occasion. It was fascinating and compelling. But it didn't change a thing. Well, one thing. It was somewhat cathartic to know the quirks that made me so peculiar to others and myself, were not personal defects, but a "simple" atypical brain function that I shared with many others. Knowing however, has made none of those things disappear - if anything, I'm more acutely aware of them than ever - but now I know why they happen.
| cursed_brunette wrote: | | Did you just walk away from the NT world? |
Where exactly would I walk to do that, and how far? As Mac McAnally said back in the 70s, "It's a crazy world, but I live here," and I go on dealing with it as best I can, just as I did for 45 years before I'd ever heard of Asperger Syndrome. Until we pool our money, buy an island and start an Aspie Nation, that's just the way it is.
| cursed_brunette wrote: | | How did you find what was really important to you? What made you happy? |
I'm not sure I have cut-and-dried answers to either of those. I still fight with dissatisfaction in both myself and my circumstances (or my difficulties in dealing with them) on an almost daily basis.
About the time I discovered I was on the spectrum, I was being forced by changes in technology and an industry market to abandon a career that had lasted over thirty years, and was faced with finding some other way of making a living that I could remain focused on. For several years, I was completely asea, with no idea where to turn. Finally, I realized the answer lay in taking one of my lifelong obsessions and parlaying that into a profitable pursuit. Even so, it's been an arduous struggle to reach that goal, while family and friends as usual, call me by turns stubborn, lazy or unreasonable, because I won't (can't) take the seemingly simple, easy way out and do things the way they do. It's a struggle for survival, personal and economic. I am even now having to do things that keep me on the edge of meltdown from moment-to-moment every day, because my goal is just a little ways off and I cannot fail. I'll worry about happiness when I get there. In my experience happiness only comes in small doses, and then melts away quickly.
| cursed_brunette wrote: | Right now I am swimming in confusion...
Part of me is still trying to blend in & part of me is working on finding what is important to me. Social Isolation is the most comfortable for me but it is also a lonely place to be... |
It's funny (peculiar, not ha-ha) how one can yearn for that connection, knowing all the while that we actually function more capably and efficiently alone.
As for blending in - that's an illusion - you are who you are and people will accept that or they won't. Those Aspies who believe they're 'faking' their way through social situations are only fooling themselves. Remember, part of the disability is difficulty reading other people. If you think you're 'acting so NT' that no one can tell it's an act, you're just not seeing the looks they pass each other behind your back. Those are people you will never connect with. Your true friends are the ones who enjoy you, not just in spite of, but BECAUSE you're not just like everyone else. And those rare and special individuals are very fine people indeed.
There's no need to be confused about who you are - you are who you've always been. Being diagnosed with AS later in life is not like suddenly coming down with a disease - you've been living with this all your life, whether you knew it or not. The only thing that's changed is your awareness of your own behaviors and reactions. Your abilities or weaknesses in functioning socially remain unchanged. There is that school of thought that awareness makes change possible, but I'm a skeptic - it's a brain function, you can override it by force of will, but only at the price of increased anxiety, so it's a trade-off. I'd rather stay home from the party and miss the promotion than have ulcers and travel constantly.
Oh, look! I've written a book, and still probably not answered your questions appropriately...
_________________
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out."
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cursed_brunette
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 92
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:31 pm Post subject: Thank you to everyone that has answered my post. |
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Okay this question might seem simple to some but I am wondering for the people that were dx'd later in life.
How did you handle it? I have not handled this situation well at all. I denied it for a really long time, 10years. I though if I could just ajust my personality I could fit in. I have worn many masks, I have tried many things. I have changed jobs many times, I have worked in many fields. None of it made me feel any better it only showed me more clearly that I was an oddity.  [b]
Did you just walk away from the NT world? [b]I am at the point were I want to walk away. To say to HELL with all of it. I am waiting on my kids to get old enough to move out, so I can just say "screw it" sell the house I own, my Mustang, SELL EVERYTHING, go live in the woods & escape to somewhere safe. Somewhere I don't have to deal with people. Be it that I buy a small piece of land put up a very small house with a barn. Sell eggs and & goat's milk, organic veggies. Just enough to get by. to live in peace, to not have all those people around me to confirm I am screwed up, because I already know I am 
How did you find what was really important to you? All of my strenghts are useless. I am very artistic, I can do many many things (bookkeeping, insurance, I am a nurse, a phlebotomist, floral design)blah,blah,blah... but none are servicable... because I can't deal with the social ramifications of the working environment
What made you happy? I find it very hard to be happy , probably because I know I don't fit in... I keep trying to find the place in the world that is for me but alas, I have accepted "IT" does not exist. I guess this question was asked because I was wondering how to balance the reality that is ASPIE and the inability to find a place in this world. I have found over the years I have been chasing one gold ring after the other. I thought I was unhappy because I did not have enough education. So I got more. I wrongly thought that I could meet more educated people & they would be more intelligent, more accepting. They are not. I have thougth if I change a job that the next place would be a safe haven, it isn't.
Right now I am swimming in confusion... & depression, a depression that will not go away. I really wish I could just go to bed tonight & NOT WAKE UP TOMMORROW. I don't/ wouldn't do anything to kill myself, but only because I don't want my kids to find the body. I don't want to screw them up.  They are the only thing in my life I haven't screwed up at least not as far as I or anyone else can see.They are pretty happy, honor roll student, they have friends and thankfully are NOT ASPIE.
Part of me is still trying to blend in & part of me is working on finding what is important to me. Putting down the NT's expectations & finding MY Aspie way in this world. Social Isolation is the most comfortable for me but it is also a lonely place to be... Yes it is peculiar that I function the best, by myself & yet wish for a friend... a sad, sad excuse of a human, I am. The really funny thing, I think the most peculiar thing is that although I don't really dislike anyone, for the most part I wouldn't be friends with anyone that I know right now in RL, simply because of how I hear them talk about each other, how mean they can be, how decietful they can be.
I am thankful today because I am out on workman's compensation. I ruptured a disc in my spine lifting a patient that is Autistic. and I WILL never have it fixed because I would rather be in constant physical pain then go through the emotional pain of working there, again.
A really peculiar thing is that I work for a non-profit agancy that IS SUPPOSE TO HELP people with mental disabilities. We can care for them but they don't know how to have a ASPIE work for them. now that's strange.       |
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Zonder
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 769
Location: Great Lakes
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 9:57 pm Post subject: |
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cursed_brunette,
I've always been really hard on myself too, but I'm trying to accept that I'm not perfect and I'm often not going to feel like I fit in, and that is OK. I come from a family of people who tend to isolate themselves, whether that is on a country backroad or in the middle of a big city. My friends in the town where I live have called me the invisible man because I so rarely see anyone. I mostly avoid and that is fine for what I'm going through in my life right now. But I know that my situation will change and I'll find something to do with my life that doesn't take so much out of me socially and emotionally.
You sound as if you are resourceful and have the ability and skill to adapt. You might be suffering from a bit of burnout as well as the uncertainty of learning about AS. Don't think of your considerable abilities as worthless, instead look for work that reduces the social aspect and allows you to thrive without being overwhelmed. As difficult as it might be for you to see, many people would envy your ability to keep trying and improving yourself.
I'm in the process of quitting a job, and as uncertain and frightening as it is (I don't have any work lined up), the anxiety that my job produced in me is actually decreasing. I know that I have abilities, I just need to find an appropriate place for them.
Actually, having an egg stand by the side of the road is tempting . . .
Z |
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Nan
Phoenix
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Joined: Mar 02, 2006
Posts: 3158
Location: left coast
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| Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:19 pm Post subject: Re: Thank you to everyone that has answered my post. |
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| cursed_brunette wrote: | Okay this question might seem simple to some but I am wondering for the people that were dx'd later in life.
How did you handle it? I have not handled this situation well at all. I denied it for a really long time, 10years. I though if I could just ajust my personality I could fit in. I have worn many masks, I have tried many things. I have changed jobs many times, I have worked in many fields. None of it made me feel any better it only showed me more clearly that I was an oddity. [b]
Did you just walk away from the NT world? [b]I am at the point were I want to walk away. To say to HELL with all of it. I am waiting on my kids to get old enough to move out, so I can just say "screw it" sell the house I own, my Mustang, SELL EVERYTHING, go live in the woods & escape to somewhere safe. Somewhere I don't have to deal with people. Be it that I buy a small piece of land put up a very small house with a barn. Sell eggs and & goat's milk, organic veggies. Just enough to get by. to live in peace, to not have all those people around me to confirm I am screwed up, because I already know I am
How did you find what was really important to you? All of my strenghts are useless. I am very artistic, I can do many many things (bookkeeping, insurance, I am a nurse, a phlebotomist, floral design)blah,blah,blah... but none are servicable... because I can't deal with the social ramifications of the working environment
What made you happy? I find it very hard to be happy , probably because I know I don't fit in... I keep trying to find the place in the world that is for me but alas, I have accepted "IT" does not exist. I guess this question was asked because I was wondering how to balance the reality that is ASPIE and the inability to find a place in this world. I have found over the years I have been chasing one gold ring after the other. I thought I was unhappy because I did not have enough education. So I got more. I wrongly thought that I could meet more educated people & they would be more intelligent, more accepting. They are not. I have thougth if I change a job that the next place would be a safe haven, it isn't.
Right now I am swimming in confusion... & depression, a depression that will not go away. I really wish I could just go to bed tonight & NOT WAKE UP TOMMORROW. I don't/ wouldn't do anything to kill myself, but only because I don't want my kids to find the body. I don't want to screw them up. They are the only thing in my life I haven't screwed up at least not as far as I or anyone else can see.They are pretty happy, honor roll student, they have friends and thankfully are NOT ASPIE.
Part of me is still trying to blend in & part of me is working on finding what is important to me. Putting down the NT's expectations & finding MY Aspie way in this world. Social Isolation is the most comfortable for me but it is also a lonely place to be... Yes it is peculiar that I function the best, by myself & yet wish for a friend... a sad, sad excuse of a human, I am. The really funny thing, I think the most peculiar thing is that although I don't really dislike anyone, for the most part I wouldn't be friends with anyone that I know right now in RL, simply because of how I hear them talk about each other, how mean they can be, how decietful they can be.
I am thankful today because I am out on workman's compensation. I ruptured a disc in my spine lifting a patient that is Autistic. and I WILL never have it fixed because I would rather be in constant physical pain then go through the emotional pain of working there, again.
A really peculiar thing is that I work for a non-profit agancy that IS SUPPOSE TO HELP people with mental disabilities. We can care for them but they don't know how to have a ASPIE work for them. now that's strange. |
I guess you'd have to first consider being an Aspie as being disabled... which is a hotly arguable point. Being in substantial physical pain tends to leave one unable to think clearly, often. I strongly suggest you get your disc as fixed as it can be (which may not be much) and then go visit a career counselor - with the thought that a job is how you make money to survive, it's not who you are. Good luck.
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Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
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liloleme
Velociraptor
Joined: Jun 09, 2008
Age: 41
Posts: 413
Location: California
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 1:37 pm Post subject: |
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I think I would like to sell veggies and eggs on the side of the road as well.
We seem to have had the same job experiences. Im so sorry that you are so painful depressed that you do not want to wake up again. I think I have been there once or twice though.
Im going to assume that you feel your diagnosis is somehow a "bad" thing?
For me I feel like it has really helped me to understand. My whole life Ive been walking around wondering "what the hell is wrong with me?" and "why cant I be like that?" and "why did I say that?", "why did I do that?". Now I know why and it makes sense to me and I dont feel like an idiot anymore.
Ok, maybe Im still an idiot
The point is, I dont have to wonder anymore. Not to mention the fact that I can embrace who I am and better understand these other people to the point where I can mill around with them comfortably , errrrr sort of. I can also help my kids so they dont have to suffer like I did.
Perhaps Im better able to accept all this because I have so much support from my family. I think one needs support from somewhere or someone or something.
Maybe right now you are just tired of the workforce, healthcare is hell, and that I can really understand. Im quiet obsessed with "medicine" and its been my primary aspiration to work in healthcare but I also cant deal with the social ramifications. I have been a CNA, Medical Assistant, and a Phlebotomist. I also tried to work in a stupid grocery store, and resturant and a video rentals store. Ive been fired once for not being a team player and Ive quit too many times to mention.
To me its a double edged sword, I want to work and I really loved what I was doing (in the medical field) but these other people keep screwing it up for me .
Ok, I know its me, its my fault, but that is just the way I feel. |
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Willard
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 606
Location: Confederate States of America
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: Re: Thank you to everyone that has answered my post. |
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| Nan wrote: | | a job is how you make money to survive, it's not who you are. |
If you do it for a couple of months until something else comes along, maybe. I have never been able to understand the people who feel that way, but I can assure you that for those of us who don't, it's not an issue we can just pretend away. I would rather take my own life than have to wake up every day knowing I was doomed to an unending monotonous ritual of doing something I disliked over and over just to eat. That's not living, that's a living hell. If I can't do something I feel good about at the end of the day, I'd rather not exist at all. I know the great world machine needs cogs, but I can't be one of them. Some of us have to specialize, because what we do IS what we are.
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"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out."
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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Welcome to WP!
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
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Nan
Phoenix
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Posts: 3158
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| Posted: Tue Jun 24, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: Re: Thank you to everyone that has answered my post. |
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| Willard wrote: | | Nan wrote: | | a job is how you make money to survive, it's not who you are. |
If you do it for a couple of months until something else comes along, maybe. I have never been able to understand the people who feel that way, but I can assure you that for those of us who don't, it's not an issue we can just pretend away. I would rather take my own life than have to wake up every day knowing I was doomed to an unending monotonous ritual of doing something I disliked over and over just to eat. That's not living, that's a living hell. If I can't do something I feel good about at the end of the day, I'd rather not exist at all. I know the great world machine needs cogs, but I can't be one of them. Some of us have to specialize, because what we do IS what we are. |
And I've never understood how anyone who thinks that any kind of work they do defines who they are. Most of the folks with whom I've had conversations about it have been guys, though. Maybe they don't have any sort of inherent sense of personhood without having a job to do? If unemployed, do they feel uneasy because they have no way to be useful, needed? They have no "purpose" in life? They feel unnecessary, redundant, superfluous?
Work for pay is just work. Maybe it's pleasant - maybe it's not. How much of the unpleasant you want to deal with is a personal choice, given some parameters that are out of one's control at times. I've been working for over 35 years. Some of the jobs were less than pleasant, some tolerable, some quite fun. But they're all just jobs. Doing something for pay. They have nothing whatsoever to do with who I am. Who I am is not determined by the money I make, what other people think of me or my ideas & beliefs, where I live, or how I dress. Those are all externalities. I carry "who I am" with me in my own head.
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Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: When comes the revolution, things will be different - not better, just different. |
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Trigger11
Shikamaru Nara
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 7315
Location: Hidden Leaf Village
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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Diagnosed last year at 36. It was a year of discovery and some trials and tribulations. Lost the job I had for the better part of nine years, because I was trying to figure out how I wanted my AS to fit in with my life. Ultimately it is part of what defines me, so I embraced it and have not looked back. Put together a jumbled puzzle that was my past. Continue to find little pieces to the puzzle that I add on over time. I already rejected the human world, so embracing my differences and being myself was quite easy. I don't fit in and don't want to.
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bodhisatta
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 30, 2008
Age: 45
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:39 pm Post subject: |
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I have not been formally diagnosed but know that AS is the root of all my problems experienced over the years. What a relief to finally have an answer. The years wondering why I was different from others, trying to fit in and being rejected. What is wrong with me? All the bad Dx's over the years that did not really fit. The frustration. Now I know.
Be happy that you are not more seriously affected. It sounds to me like you are very high functioning so you have allot going for you right there. If you don’t like company then keep away from people. If you want social contact go for it but be careful. It is easy to be misused by others when we go into relationships out of need. People can be very deceptive. It seems from my experience and from what others have shared here that people with AS are acutely aware of how cruel, superficial and mean people in the NT world can be and are quite sensitive about this from having been on the receiving end of rejection, bullying, hurtful comments etc. Perhaps you can find someone similarly afflicted to become friends with. You only have one life. Think of all you have been through. What a miracle that you have survived! You have strengths, sensitivities and insight that the NT person could never hope to poses. From what I have seen of the NT world I am glad that I am not part of it. So much superficial BS. I get lonely sometimes. I see a Guy with his girl and imagine and remember what it felt like. But I do not dwell or get stuck there. Hang in there you are going to be OK!
"People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."
(Abe Lincoln) |
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