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supermomof3intn
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 4
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 Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: Please help if you can... |
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 PLEASE HELP!! I have 3 children, 2 biological and one step son... I have been raising my step son for about 4 yrs now; he has recently been diagnosed w ADD and Asperger's Syndrome... His dad is in complete denial and refuses to believe any of it, despite all of the obvious problems that exist... It sometimes gets to the point to where he is trying to nit pick my 2 children over their "typical" age related issues and it's starting to drive me crazy... I have taken my step son to EVERY DR I can think of to try to get him help; I love him dearly and only want what is best for him.. He is MY son in my heart... I just feel so alone and frustrated in this because his dad, who is supposed to my partner, doesn't want to give him his medicine for his ADD and his anxiety and doesn't want to treat him the way he needs to be treated being a disabled child. He is 7 yrs old and has the mind of a 3 yr old according to his Dr... I just need some advice about how to approach things with his dad and how to get him to accept what the Drs say and HELP me help our son... Our son still poops himself and pees himself; I put him in pull ups and that's a constant fight also because his dad wants him in underwear but he isn't the one in the middle of the store trying to work with a child that has soiled himself and check out and get him home, with the other 2 kids as well... It's craziness, stressful, and I fear that it could eventually cost us our relationship. Any suggestions? Please help..
Thank you
PS My step son is the SWEETEST child; he is not a bad kid. He is disabled and has problems and I just want to help him.. I hope you understand... |
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katrine
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Posts: 550
Location: Copenhagen
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 3:03 pm Post subject: |
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Tricky situation. It makes it more complicated that he is your step son, but I really admire you for taking it on! The world should have more people like you.
After a diagnosis, often one parent seems to get it, while the other goes into denial. It may take take some time before he comes round - would he consider going to therapy with you? For some parents, the diagnosis starts a sorrow process - denial, anger ect. before acceptance, it can be very painfull and also very, very hard on your marriage.
All I can suggest otherwize is doing all the reading you can, and implementing all the good behavioral therapy possible. Leave the meds for now - let your husband come to terms with the diagnosis first. |
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Aspinator
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Feb 24, 2008
Posts: 74
Location: AspinatorLand
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:49 pm Post subject: IMO |
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Just because your stepson is young doesn't mean he doesn't understand. The father is making the child feel as if being born "different" is wrong. The damage he appears to be doing to the psyche of his son is horrible. The Dad has a personal problem if he can't accept others as they are. He may possibly think it somehow reflects negatively on him to have sired an autistic child. The very scenario you are describing illustrates the subtle discrimination aspies have to face. As an adult aspie I have more resources to deal with "small thinking" people. Your son has none and his supposed protector rejects him as he is. Instead of nurturing his son he is turning him into an emotional cripple.
edit: I apoligize for my angry response. I also faced similar discrimination when I was a child. |
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 37
Posts: 1478
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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ok a lots going on here.
presumably your step son is your husbands biological child?
there is a good chance that your husband may also have AS.
you may have more children to look after here than you think.
step back...stop and reasses whats going on, you sound like your drowning.
if dad wont help then you have to do it
good advice?
probably not what you needed as a non AS you want emotional hand holdin, here you will get practical AS style advice but i sont think you want that. |
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trialanderror
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 31
Posts: 90
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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I have a similar situation with my husband. He was glad to have the diagnosis at first because it explined a lot, but after a while he began to see it as a weakness and an excuse. I try and raise the kids to know that they are different just like everybody else is, but this AS thing is an obstacle not an excuse. It isn't enough for him. He has the patience of a knat and he WANTS ORDER!
Like my husband, you may have to look at how he was raised. Was nothig he did ever right? Did his parents treat him like a fish out of water because he may have been different (I agree that he may be aspie but afraid seeing the similarities with his son). Answering these questions does not excuse the situation, but would prepare you for a better response. If my husband gets nasty, I call him on it and point out that he is teaching them to do that. Then, I may bring up a situation that he went through simlilarly with his parents and he understands. He doesn't like it, but he understands. SUGGEST other solutions rather than the one he is using, or ask him what other soutions he may have. My husband feels a little more in control if he can think of something that works. |
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KimJ
Legend in my own mind
Joined: Jun 11, 2006
Posts: 2538
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:48 pm Post subject: |
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What a horrible situation. I have no advice except that you need to keep on and try not to fight in front of the kids.
This may be a completely out of line question, but I'll ask it anyhow. Did you adopt your stepson? Because if you haven't and your marriage breaks up, you may lose custody of him. I would make sure that you can protect him and teach him the way you think he needs to be taught.
This sounds really hard but you may need to just parent him without discussing it with your husband. Don't discuss meds (unless he needs to approve of them or buy them), teaching methods or discipline if you can get away with it. I'm saying this to encourage deceit, but it sounds like he has no clue about parenting and is NOT interested.
I'm concerned that the Dr states he has the mind of a 3year old. Does he mean just emotionally or both emotionally and cognitively? If it's the latter, that doesn't sound like only ADD and/or Asperger's. He may have something else going on. |
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supermomof3intn
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: Please don't misunderstand |
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I sincerely hope no one thinks that I am asking for sympathy in any way, shape, or form; I was thrilled to find this site in my quest for more knowledge to help my step son and thought this would be a wonderful place to get some great advice. Thank you SO MUCH for your posts, your thoughts, comments, and suggestions. One thing I am scared of is losing my step son if the relationship between his dad and I does end... I pray neither of those ever happen; it would devestate not only all 3 children, but also myself... Obviously, the children are whom I am more concerned with.
My step son is about to enter first grade and I have spoken with his school regarding the fact that he does have obstacles to overcome, but they offer no assistance until he is assessed in first grade so this will, no doubt, be a rocky year... He was already out of school when we received his diagnosis, so they are not aware of everything yet, and I fear for him that he will be treated different in a negative manner.. My husband is a WONDERFUL father; he truly is... He just doesn't understand and I DO agree with the feeling that it does upset him for his only biological child, and his only biological son at that, to have a disability. Especially when we have the other 2 children, my biological son being one year older and he sees them being so active and socially involved while my step son has no desire to be. I'm sure it hurts him and I'm trying to understand him just as much as I'm trying to understand my step son. My (step) son is SUCH a GREAT kid; he is sweet, polite (I taught him his manners very early one, as with all 3 of them), and very eager to please his dad especially, but he loves to make anyone happy. I don't need a hand to hold while I get through this part of things; however, I do need a lot of good advice on how I can get daddy to understand and be empathetic to his son and learn how to help me raise him in the manner which is best for a child with his diagnoses... At the same time, I need to know how I can understand my step son more; what I can do to help him learn and how to discipline him when I know he is just trying to use the excuse that "he doesn't know" when he pulls down his pants and pees on his bed instead of going to the bathroom or even just going in his pull up... There are just so many things that I don't understand and, as a mother, I NEED to understand what is going on and how to deal with it. Please keep giving me the good advice; I appreciate it more than you know. |
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katrine
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 24, 2006
Posts: 550
Location: Copenhagen
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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Well, this is the place to be if you want sound advice! You'll get plenty of it - it has helped me tremendously with my son.
For now I would go ahead on your own. If it was my child, I would make the day as predictable as possible by having a quite strict routine: do things in the same order every morning, make sure to eat meals at the same time, wash hair on the same days ect. My experience is that the more predictable every day life is, the more excess there is to do other stuff once in a while.
I would also start visual schedules for your son - you can use clip art or pictures from the net. (We use "boardmaker", but it is expensive, and not absolutely neccesary.) We laminate pictures and use velcro. We have a folder to store pictures in, again with velcro, and put them onto his schedule. The schedule makes the day predictable, and also creates flexibility, as there are no sudden surprizes (kiddo knows that at 2 o'clock we're going to the doctors, so he doesn't kick up a fuss!)
I don't know enough about the American school system to help you, but others will.
These are the basics, I guess. Hope it is helpfull. Ask more concrete questions as problems arise, and you'll get plenty of help here on WP. |
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Endersdragon
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2005
Posts: 1666
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, first off, I understand all the reasons you want to medicate him, but be careful with that stuff. I used to be on medications to help with anxiety and stuff, but never really felt good on that stuff. I am not sure what exactly you can do, but try not to medicate him as much as humanly possible (I would say only medicate him if he is a threat to himself or others which it doesn't look like he is.) As for the pullups, just ask your husband if he would deny a parapalegic (sp?) kid the use of a wheelchair. Doesn't sound like he has too much control in this area so it is pretty much a total disability. That leads me to my last point for now, don't go calling him a "disabled kid" too much. That won't make you too popular around here. I am sure there are good parts to his asperger's that wouldn't/might not exist if he was a NT. Look at those more and his disabilities less. Along with that, please please don't try to cure him. Try to accept him in his world and help introduce him to yours (if that makes any sense.) I don't mean to sound too negative... just trying to make sure you understand a few things.
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jbollard
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 02, 2008
Posts: 27
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, firstly you are doing a great job!!!. We all totally understand, we've all been there.
I also have a 7yr AS, ADD son, and when he was first diagnosed, I had problems with my husband. It wasn't until I did a lot of reading, that I realised that my husband was AS as well.
I basically had to give him the reading materail myself, and when he eventually decided to read it, it became really clear that the stuff he was reading was very similar to himself.
Sometimes it takes people a while, to get use to it, and to accept it. I know its hard but just be patient, eventually he will come around.
My son has medication for ADD, he has it on school days and it really helps with the concentration and especially his school work. The medication unfortunally wont fix everything, it will only help with his impuleses, concentration etc. You could have your son on a trail at school and see if the school notices a big difference.
Good Luck with everything. |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
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If even one parent cannot accept and encourage your son's gift, he's going to suffer big time.
Each time he looks at his father, he'll remember all the hatred...the disgust.
Do you want to inflict that on your son?
AS can develop slowly because we have to process things differently, build our own neural "bridges" our own way, in violation of the natural order.
Give your son time and allow him to find his special interest.
Never allow your child to use the "I didn't know" excuse for an action more than once. If he's been reprimanded, he should remember. His cognitive functions however could be slowed and as such, he doesn't understand. Perhaps appeal to his sense of logic?
Regards
Ashley
_________________
"We will not capitulate - no, never! We may be destroyed, but if we are, we shall drag a world with us - a world in flames."
- Adolf Hitler |
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Trigger11
Shikamaru Nara
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 7315
Location: Hidden Leaf Village
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:10 am Post subject: |
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You should remember that your step son is not disabled. He is just different.
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I won’t tell anyone else how to be
You can be yourself, but just let me be me |
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supermomof3intn
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: I stand corrected |
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My apologies.. My (step) son is not disabled; he just has obstacles to overcome, and I have all the faith in him in the world. He is on medication strictly for his ADD and he did start that while he was still in school and I got a letter from his teacher stating that it helped him BIG TIME in class, so I have continued it as I am working w him on school work over the summer to better prepare him for first grade.
I don't want to cure him; I love him and accept him very much so. I just want to understand him and help him in any and every way I possibly can... I feel like I'm his only help to get the help he needs and deserves since my husband is acting the way that he is and I am giving him my very best. It's stressful, though--handling it all on my own and some of the things that he does that I KNOW he knows better than to do; I don't know how to discipline him because I don't feel it's appropriate to discipline him the same as I do my other 2 children (I'm not sure if he does really comprehend certain things and I don't want him to feel like he is being treated unfairly, but at the same time, I don't want any of the children to feel as though my (step) son gets "special treatment" because he acts up and doesn't get in trouble like the other 2 would.. Does all of that make sense at all? I am struggling right now to find answers; I ALWAYS reward him for good behavior and focus on the good rather than the bad.. But what do I do when he is acting up on purpose and trying to get away with it, pretending that he doesn't know that what he did was wrong when he has been in trouble over it before--when I KNOW he knows the difference and can comprehend? I'm lost there, so any advice you guys could offer would be greatly appreciated. Also, he is on another medication to help him sleep because he used to (until he started this medication, which was just recently) stay up ALL NIGHT, til at least 11 or mid night and start screaming at the top of his lungs for attention.. He shares a room w his older (step) brother and, especially on school nights, it was very frustrating.. I always let them watch TV at bed time, set the sleep timer for an hour and a half and they usually lay down around 7 30 or 8... I also have a night light on in their room strictly for my step son, as my other 2 children never had night lights (I was told it could hurt their eye sight...) The night light stays on all night and he would start screaming and when I would run in there and ask him what was wrong, he would say he didn't know or that he was scared of his.. pillow, or something that seemed off the wall, like he just needed attention.. I am sure that the lack of sleep effected him greatly, in every way, so when I spoke to his Dr about it, he gave me something to give him at bedtime and it is wonderful.. Now, he falls asleep with ease, no fears or anxiety or screaming, and he sleeps through the night like a baby!! I have NEVER been one to medicate my children; I don't even like having to give them Tylenol (but of course I do if needed).. Point being, I don't take the medication issue lightly at all and would NEVER let my (step) son be turned into a "zombie" like I have heard other parents describe the way some medicines have effected their children; if that were to happen, I would IMMEDIATELY discontinue that medication and let the Dr know that it was not working.. If it hurt him in ANY WAY or if I notice ANY NEGATIVE side effects, I will be VERY QUICK to get back to the Dr and get things worked out for his best interest.
Well, if you have some advice on the discipline issue, please let me know... I already have a LOT of reward techniques and good behavior methods in place; just need advice on what to do when I KNOW he did something wrong and KNOWS it is wrong..
Thanks again for all of your advice and support. It means a lot. I don't feel so alone anymore. THank you!! |
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jersey_joe
Butterfly
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: nu joizee
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| Posted: Tue Jul 01, 2008 4:19 pm Post subject: |
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I hope this does not sound critical, I certainly don't mean it as such. I see great pain and heroic efforts by some women here.
But as an AS guy I wonder, how is it that you could date & marry your husbands and not know they were AS, or at least "odd"? Even in the brief descriptions some of you provide, the symptoms are pretty obvious.
As painful as it is to say, we AS guys usually make terrible husbands. We tend to be obsessive, distant, demanding... in short, complete jerks.
I guess love is blind, but women - and men - would do well to take a more objective look at their potential spouse. Many future troubles are easily seen in the early 'odd' traits. And when children become part of the equation, troubles are amplified.
A Jerk
P.S. Yes – I know people will respond “my husband has AS, and he is kind, loving…” yeah yeah yeah – bull! You are in denial. |
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supermomof3intn
Emu Egg
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 4
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| Posted: Wed Jul 02, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: My Husband |
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That last post about husband w Asbergers exhibit certain qualities that stand out.. He NEVER acted this way until we were married, but it does own a LOT of the qualities that you listed. I don't feel like he is a poor husband at all; however, he can be demanding, distant, and controlling to an extent... I guess I will have to look further into things to see if he definitely has it too or not.. He could just be that way right now because he has a hard time trusting. I'm NOT in denial at all; I am very curious to find out if maybe AS could be the reason behind his behavior.. He WON'T go to a Dr to find out though, as HE is the one in denial about his son, and I'm SURE he won't want to believe that he could have it as well.. I will look into it though... Thank you very much for your advice and taking the time to give me the info.  |
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