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Mikomi
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Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Posts: 781
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.
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 Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: Unintentionally Hurting Your Partner |
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My husband and I both have AS, but he is more affected with it comes to social subtleties. Most things I forgive, as I realize he means no harm and I know he loves me and is a good person. However, sometimes his lack of ability to put himself in someone else's shoes (unless he has experienced it personally) creates issues when something he does bothers me and no amount of explaining helps. In fact, it just makes him mad if I keep trying to get him to understand something that seems so plain to me if he doesn't see it the same way. When he sends the wrong social signals, I have ended up hurt and humiliated. Do I continue trying to make my point or should I just suck it up?
If someone explains something to me enough, eventually it will get through. All I really want is just understanding, not necessarily agreement. He is welcome to his opinion, as long as I feel there is still mutual respect. I need an objective thought on this.
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Last edited by Mikomi on Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:47 am; edited 2 times in total |
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pakled
"Bless his Heart"
Joined: Nov 13, 2007
Age: 50
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 6:12 pm Post subject: |
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my wife suffers like this (but she's NT). What I do is usually memorize each mistake as a 'rule'. I seldom make the same mistake twice, but the downside is that I have to make the mistake first. That, and sometimes the rule grows out of a situation that may not happen again.
Maybe patiently explaining what happened would be a start. It's hell to do (I've been told), but eventually he may clean up pretty good.. good luck. |
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RustyShackleford
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Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
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Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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My girlfriend also suffers like this. I further exacerbate the problem by often not remembering previous mistakes or outcomes of situations until after I have just repeated the same mistake.
She gets very tired of constantly having to explain the 'rules of engagement' to me from an outsider perspective when it comes to relationship difficulties that crop up.
Another thing is that I have to be brutally honest all of the time. In situations where a little white lie would usually sugar coat something for example she can see straight through as my face usually betrays me before I realise what I must look like from the outside.
I am in no position to be handing out advice but I would imagine that in your situation, at least both parties have a deeper understanding of one another's experience. Whether or not that translates to more patience and tolerance I guess would depend entirely on individual circumstances.
I often wish I wasn't so self-centred in the way I think. Usually problems occur when a quick response is required. Most of the time the thought that I need to put myself in someone else's shoes just does not occur to me at the appropriate time; I cannot anticipate situations and consequences of actions from a different point of view until I have had time to go away and give it some thought. |
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wob182
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 05, 2008
Age: 18
Posts: 195
Location: u.k.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:19 pm Post subject: |
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I found this with my ex too. But when I went out with him he was AS and I thought I was NT. I think now I let him get away with to much. He hurt me too much...when if we'd talked about it and come to a proper system we could of prevented a meltdown. It was a long distance realtionship and we could only speak on the phone really at night but he'd leave it until he'd done everything in the evening and I didnt mind what I did mind was the fact he knows he get meltdownish when he gets tired and he cant go 2 sleep when he wants coz he 'has to speak 2 me' It was so simple all he had to do was call me earlyer but everytime I tried to tell him that he always ended up calling me after 11 and we spoke for 20 mins b4 he got rude and shouted at me that he has to go to sleep
it made me feel horrible like I was being to needy WHICH I WASNT and I should of had the balls to stick up for my needs more...but I didnt know i had needs coz i wasnt dignosed...so hmm
but now...thinking about it let him get away with murder, which was just him being plain hurtful which he blamed on his AS...Sure it orginated from AS but it can be tamed a bit..conprimised.
I wunder sometimes that does the NT have to compremise a lot for the aspie in order to have a realtionship...coz thats what I did...and it hurt me...weird..ive been on both sides...now i have NT boyfriend and he's wonderful at comprising..and tell him dont let me take avantage of the AS excuse..you know me.
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I'm fed up of explaining after every post, I have dyslexia so sometimes my spelling and punctuation is off. I do use spell check doesn't always work... |
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cyb0rg
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| I intentionally hurt a few of my partners, but they were really into it |
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Mikomi
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Joined: Jan 25, 2008
Posts: 781
Location: On top of your TV, lookin' at you funny.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:47 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | | I am in no position to be handing out advice |
No, I think you're in a great position to offer advice. Your response could have been written by my hubby! He says too that his trouble is mostly created by situations requiring a prompt response. What I have noticed about him is that it's not *what* he says, but how he says it. Most of the time he has very valuable information, but just says it in a hurtful manner. We've also had several arguments where we went on for HOURS arguing the same exact point, just in different ways!! LOL
Ah, the joy of AS, right? 
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Mikomi
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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| wob182 wrote: | | he get meltdownish when he gets tired and he cant go 2 sleep when he wants coz he 'has to speak 2 me' It was so simple all he had to do was call me earlyer but everytime I tried to tell him that he always ended up calling me after 11 and we spoke for 20 mins b4 he got rude and shouted at me that he has to go to sleep |
This is a BIG problem for us. I am the type who needs a resolution, a "stopping point". But hubby, when he decides it's bedtime, it is bedtime. I think more clearly after I've had time to calm down, but in the moment, I just want resolve.
| Quote: | | it made me feel horrible like I was being to needy WHICH I WASNT |
Yeah, I have been called "needy" on several occasions. I know I need less than most NT males seem to.
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Curiosity is not a mental illness.
Last edited by Mikomi on Tue Jul 01, 2008 2:50 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Mikomi
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| cyb0rg wrote: | | I intentionally hurt a few of my partners, but they were really into it |
LMAO!!!!
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Tempy
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 24, 2007
Posts: 340
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:05 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: | My girlfriend also suffers like this. I further exacerbate the problem by often not remembering previous mistakes or outcomes of situations until after I have just repeated the same mistake.
She gets very tired of constantly having to explain the 'rules of engagement' to me from an outsider perspective when it comes to relationship difficulties that crop up.
Another thing is that I have to be brutally honest all of the time. In situations where a little white lie would usually sugar coat something for example she can see straight through as my face usually betrays me before I realise what I must look like from the outside.
I am in no position to be handing out advice but I would imagine that in your situation, at least both parties have a deeper understanding of one another's experience. Whether or not that translates to more patience and tolerance I guess would depend entirely on individual circumstances.
I often wish I wasn't so self-centred in the way I think. Usually problems occur when a quick response is required. Most of the time the thought that I need to put myself in someone else's shoes just does not occur to me at the appropriate time; I cannot anticipate situations and consequences of actions from a different point of view until I have had time to go away and give it some thought. |
I find myself in your shoes when it comes to this situation. I am on the brink of loosing my gf because of this and I too would like some advice! |
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RustyShackleford
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Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
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Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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Haha! I like to think my thought process as being a bit like a machine or an equation which gets more and more complex and convoluted the more variables and parameters are added. If all of the information is available I can chug through and come out with the logical response; It just takes me a lot longer. I am not afraid of delivering a response if I know it to be accurate based on the information I have access to.
Me and my gf also have these drawn out arguments of which you speak! The problem is that sometimes an argument crops up, my gf gets her point across and calms down. Later on (often MUCH later on, weeks sometimes) after I have considered all of the facts and come to a conclusion, I try to wedge a complete tangent in to a conversation and bring up old issues which may not even still be relevant given changes of circumstances and so forth.
Living with me must be so painful sometimes. The only reason she persists is that she knows I am completely open with her and that I wouldn't intentionally do or say anything to harm her. I can however offer levels of devotion that many NT guys struggle with. She can relate to my trust issues somewhat as she has been hurt in the past.
Another way I unintentionally hurt my gf is if I am out and about in bars (which is rare admittedly) and I end up talking to other girls without realising they are flirting outrageously with me. I don't pick up on inappropriate closeness and signals often until a girl makes a move on me. I am 100% committed to my gf but apparently in the eyes of many girls I am this cute fuzzy thing they find around town who could be easily manipulated. These are the sorts of images no one needs to see involving their partner and we tend to socialise separately nowadays.
| Tempy wrote: |
I find myself in your shoes when it comes to this situation. I am on the brink of loosing my gf because of this and I too would like some advice! |
Like I said I don't really have much to offer in the way of advice. If you are aware of the way you function and are willing to try to adapt to accommodate a relationship at your own pace, it is then up to the other party whether they can continually be willing to make allowances and reasonable adjustments to allow a relationship to work, or whether it is just too much to ask and too much to sacrifice. |
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cyb0rg
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: |
Me and my gf also have these drawn out arguments of which you speak! The problem is that sometimes an argument crops up, my gf gets her point across and calms down. Later on (often MUCH later on, weeks sometimes) after I have considered all of the facts and come to a conclusion, I try to wedge a complete tangent in to a conversation and bring up old issues which may not even still be relevant given changes of circumstances and so forth. |
I do that too, but usually it's because there is a problem at the root of it that caused the last 25 arguments, and I get sick of going through rehashes. If they cannot work out their issues I won't feel the need to have to deal with it and I will move on. Sure I won't have any long term relationships, but look on the bright side, I will have a lot more short term ones with varying women (and if I am lucky I can eventually find one that I can tolerate for more than a year).
| Quote: | | Another way I unintentionally hurt my gf is if I am out and about in bars (which is rare admittedly) and I end up talking to other girls without realising they are flirting outrageously with me. I don't pick up on inappropriate closeness and signals often until a girl makes a move on me. |
Why is that a bad thing and why blame yourself? First of all it's not a problem with anybody except your gf (so she says), and even then it makes you a lot more attractive and valuable in her eyes when she sees a lot of different women drooling over you. It is a win/win situation man. You aren't hurting ANYBODY, if anything they hurt THEMSELVES by obsessing over it. The girls flirting with you are having fun, you are having fun, and you look better to all of them (and hence a more valuable catch) even to your girlfriend. DON'T FEEL BAD! I would be rubbing it in and playing it up with her. I am assuming you missed all the signals and your gf had to tell you later on after it happened (that always happens to me too!). I would be telling her "Damn! Next time that happens let me know sooner, maybe we can get some 4-way action going on! (lol)". <-- be sure to lol!
Last edited by cyb0rg on Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:34 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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cyb0rg
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I find myself in your shoes when it comes to this situation. I am on the brink of loosing my gf because of this and I too would like some advice! |
My advice is to break it off now and save yourself some trouble. You don't have to deal with it, and theres a billion more girls where that one came from. There is no point in wasting your time on one who can't deal, move on and find another. Every minute you waste on one person is a minute you could have found somebody better. |
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RustyShackleford
Velociraptor
Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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| cyb0rg wrote: | | First of all it's not a problem with anybody except your gf (so she says), and even then it makes you a lot more attractive and valuable in her eyes when she sees a lot of different women drooling over you. It is a win/win situation man...I am assuming you missed all the signals and your gf had to tell you later on after it happened (that always happens to me too!). I would be telling her "Damn! Next time that happens let me know sooner, maybe we can get some 4-way action going on! (lol)". <-- be sure to lol! |
Yup. Don't get me wrong she sees the funny side most of the time unless I am way too out of it and some young thing is actually sitting on me or something. She is tortured in a way by being more intuitive than the average NT person even so she sees things equally from her own perspective and a completely third party perspective all of the time. At the end of the day though you cannot do much to dilute that initial sinking feeling when you see someone flirting with your partner. |
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cyb0rg
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 29, 2008
Posts: 56
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| Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008 11:58 pm Post subject: |
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| RustyShackleford wrote: |
Yup. Don't get me wrong she sees the funny side most of the time unless I am way too out of it and some young thing is actually sitting on me or something. She is tortured in a way by being more intuitive than the average NT person even so she sees things equally from her own perspective and a completely third party perspective all of the time. At the end of the day though you cannot do much to dilute that initial sinking feeling when you see someone flirting with your partner. |
It isn't the same for females as it is for males though. When you see a girl with a large group of guys doting over her, she looks like a tramp and the guys look like desperate weakling pansies. When you see a guy with a huge group of women doting over him, it makes him look powerful and intriguing (although other guys might not like seeing that, I guarantee you the guy has more value in a womans eyes than any other guy in the room, unless she is an angry bitter female, then she will only resent it). |
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RustyShackleford
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Joined: Apr 22, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 409
Location: Nottingham UK
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| Posted: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:17 am Post subject: |
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| Also don't get the impression that I am some kind of lady magnet. It is usually girls who are prepared to just talk at me whilst I nod and grunt in agreement. After a while doing that and me hardly saying two words she seems to have already gotten used to the idea that I might be going home with her before I have had a chance to even point out I am spoken for! |
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