My plan to become human

Scheherazade · Snowy Owl Joined: Jan 15, 2007 Posts: 154

I'm so sick of being cut off from the world and feeling like my own species. In addition to my troubles with social interaction, I have trouble with my weight, feeling attractive - even just feeling like I don't LOOK like a human female - and dealing with family, money, life direction, etc.

I'm in my late 20s, but aside from maturity, I feel like I'm at an adolescent state of development. Right now I'd like to work part-time, take classes in a variety of areas, find people to hang around with, and pursue my creative interests (things that I put aside when I was younger because "you can't make money at that" or just because of insecurity/shyness/self-criticism) - basically the things you're supposed to do in high school or college. The challenge when you're 27 instead of 17 is having to make large student loan payments every month, justify what you're doing to family and friends who want you to be pursuing some career, and find friends who are at a similar state. At my last job, most of my similar-aged coworkers were married, buying houses, living in the suburbs, having babies. I'm not ready for those things right now. I wish I could go back to college, find classmates who can freely go out for coffee after class, join a drama club, etc. I have a few friends who are about 20-21 and fit this attitude better, but their interests, attitudes etc are too immature for me.

All my life, when presented with social opportunities I've always made up excuses not to go, because I'm sure I won't enjoy it. Now I'm forcing myself to say yes. Even if I do end up not enjoying it (which I sometimes do) at the very least I get new material to write stories about. Smile

But I still find my natural impulse is to make up an excuse. I have to stop, take a deep breath, and remind myself "Just say yes."

I've thought of a few lifestyle changes I can make that might let me find that environment.

1) Teach English abroad and find a community of expatriate teachers who are postponing "the real world". A few are married, living real lives, but I get the sense that a lot of English teachers (especially in Korea and Japan) are there for a year or two to have fun and figure out what they "really want to do in life."

2) Go back to grad school. I'd like to do an MFA in creative writing, which would give me the chance to move to a new community with a bunch of other students, many of whom have moved there specifically for that degree. The average age of MFA students is 26 or so, so I wouldn't feel too old (whereas, with many research grad programs, the students start straight after undergrad, so the average entering age would be more like 22). And it sounds like there would be a good community - with readings, probably the opportunity to meet up with classmates at the coffee house or bar.

If I can, I'd like to do both of those over the next few years unless something better comes up. I'm thinking I might teach English in 2009 and apply to grad school for 2010. But I still have about 6 months until I can go anywhere. So in the meantime, I have a few things I'm going to do to try to become more human. Many of these involve classes, because they're more explicit and give me the timeframe/deadlines to stick with my goal.

- Take creative writing classes. The more I try not to write, the more I realize that this is what everything about me - my personality, work preferences, soul, body - was made to do. If I can turn this into a career on my own terms, that would be great. But at a minimum, I need to be able to write on a regular basis and fit that in a balanced way into my life (day job, relationships, hobbies, and all else included). My impulse right now is to not write and I find it very hard to get myself to do it, but the only time I feel right is when I'm writing. So the classes to me right now are crucial in getting myself to build the discipline, not to mention enhance my skills through feedback. I've really found my writing has improved after taking 4 writing workshops so far. More importantly, teacher compliments about my strengths have really, really, really helped me deal with the green demon of self-criticism. So I'm aiming to complete a certificate in creative writing. I have to take 3 more courses in areas that I'd like to learn more about, and then at the end I work one-on-one with a mentor to enhance a novel that I've written. Writing makes me believe in myself and this is necessary to be human.

- Work on my body. I do like being at the gym. It's a religious experience to me. But I hate going there. I feel tired. I can't get out of bed. But then the night classes roll around and I'm too lethargic to go. So I don't go. Then one day I finally get my butt in a spinning class and all I can think is "bless me father, for I have sinned." i'm naturally strong. When I'm actually at the gym I become a determined, focused person. I'm a Marine. I look across the room to the skinny little girl huffing and puffing on her bike and spinning at half-speed and I feel pride in my body. I keep beat with the instructor's legs. I am her legs. Sometimes the instructors want us to cheer and smile. I glare at those instructors. I am not spinning to be happy. I am PISSED when I spin. This is my anger escaping my heels. When I'm feeling unhappy with myself, ready to cry, I go spinning and I can power through it. When I have no anger, I find spinning class difficult. I find classes encouraging, but they're a good excuse to skip the gym, if you can't make it in time for class.

- Work on my diet. I have a terrible diet. I'm too lazy to cook. I have an addictive personality but I'm not "cool" enough to drink or do drugs so I pour it all into food. Feeling sad? French fries! Skipped a meal? Yay for me! I'm pretty, pretty sure I have to cut out wheat, if not gluten altogether, just to get happy and not exhausted anymore. This makes me miserable, though. Sandwiches make me so happy. Cookies make me happy. Pizza excites me. Garlic bread is like opium. I went about 6 weeks eating wheat 1 day a week. My naturopath thought I improved, but I was miserable. Maybe this was just because I was still buying all my meals out, and I'd be wandering around trying to figure out what I could eat, and depressed at my options I'd figure it was all futile if I couldn't eat wheat, so I'd go home at 7 pm and head straight to bed in protest. I'm not eager to go back to that diet, but I think I might try it when I move back to my parents' in September. (This is one of the selling features for me to go teach English in Japan or Korea - because if/when I eat out there are so many wheat-free options. Gluten-free of course is another story).

- Become comfortable in my own skin. I think I try to retreat as far into my body as possible. I have very little kinesthetic sense. I bump into things, I can't catch a ball. Part of this is natural, but I think I just need to explore different ways of expression. Yoga, martial arts, ballet all promise to help me improve on this sense. One time I tried rowing, and really enjoyed it, so I'd also love to do that again. But it's expensive and hard to get up to the lake without a car.

- Take improv classes. I did this last year and I think it really helped me learn the "rules" of social interaction. When people talk to you, accept the offer. That sort of thing. I think in situations where I get nervous or tongue-tied (job interviews, meeting with superiors, etc) I can tell myself I'm playing a character who is much like myself, and free myself from the nervousness around speaking. I'm still curious about comedy writing and improv, even if these careers have too many downsides and intimidating factors for me to pursue seriously. The next class starts in August and I really, really need to sign up. I'd also love to take acting classes or try out for a play, something I've wanted to do since I was about 8 years old but never had a chance in school. I don't think a play would be realistic right now, though, even wtih community theater, because the hours are during the evening, which is when all the other classes are offered as well.

- Take a public speaking class. I used to be really good a giving speeches when I was a kid but sometime between elementary and high school I developed this tongue-tied terror. I heard that if you don't use your oral communications skills they can atrophy. I think not having a lot of friends, and then going from interactive elementary school classrooms to high school and university classes with minimal interactions was detrimental to me in this sense. If I want to teach I need to improve these skills. So I'd like to take a class or maybe sign up with Toastmasters.

- Read more books. I'd like to get to the classics, but I often have a hard time getting "into" books. So even if it's the trashiest genre novel it will help me as a writer and just to understand different points of view. For the first three months of this year I was reading about a book a week,and ironically, since getting laid off from my job and doing pretty much nothing all week, I've pretty much stopped reading books. So I want to keep the book-a-week goal and create a reading list for the next 6 months that include more classics. I'd also like to take more literature classes to help my dense mind understand how books work.

- Just say yes. I like night classes because sometimes people invite you out for drinks afterward. Even though everyone is a commuter and has family at home, etc, in the most creative of my classes (the improv and writing classes, especially) there is often an opportunity to hang out after class. This is another reason why I need to take classes. But I also need to accept the offer more often from ex-work-colleagues, people I volunteer with, old friends from university, etc.

This might seem too academic an approach, but in the past, these types of strategies are the ones that have helped me develop the most. The only problem is figuring out how to afford the tuition, pay my student loans, pay a few hundred a month in transportation costs, fit all the classes and the homework in, get enough sleep, find time for writing, etc. So basically there needs to be a job in there somewhere. I get unemployment until December, so technically I could get by on that for the next 6 months, but they will only let me take 2 classes. Fortunately the improv and yoga/karate wouldn't be counted as they're not through a college or university. So I'm thinking my fall schedule might look like:

Drive mom to work in the morning.
Morning class at the gym around 9:30 a.m. Spend about 2 hours there, including shower time.
Go home for lunch, cleaning time, errands.
Drop car off at mom's work and then catch train into the city.
On the train - work on writing or read a novel.
Evening class.

Mon night Creative writing craft class (counts toward my certificate)
Tues night Public speaking course
Wed night Improv course
Thurs night? Something athletic? Like boxing or ballet?

Sounds good, but I hate hate HATE schedules in general, though. Even in university when I lived 5 minutes from my classes and had 25 hours a week scheduled, I resented having to be in a given place at a given time. I'd rather just read my book, lounge around, whatever. I think I need the schedule but I can't see how to make myself enjoy it. Sometimes I think if I was American and male I'd like to be a Marine, because thieir training always looks like something I need - mentorship, physical challenge and nurturing, responsibility for the rest of your team through your work, pride in accomplishment, feeling like you belong to something. So sometimes I try to tell me that schedules and labor and other stresses are like training for the Marines. But I think if I wasn't the only person doing it I'd feel much better about it.