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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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 Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 2:51 pm Post subject: Best intentions |
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Share a time when you had only the best intention in mind in a situation and it all blew up in your face. Also, does it happen often to you?
For myself, I moved into my best friends house when I really didn't want to, in order to help her pay her mortgage. Stayed there for 6 months and realized in order to save the friendship I had to move out. So I told her and she got very angry so I told her the truth that I didn't want to move in to begin with but wanted to help her out for awhile.
She got extremely upset at that. What I don't get, is if the situation was reversed I would be THANKFUL for the 6 months of mortgage help! But noooo, she hates my guts now. 
This is a recurring theme in my life actually. I want to help, but end up hurting. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2226
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
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Sounds like what she needs is a long-term flat mate to share expenses with, and you misled her to think the arrangement suited you too, when actually you were doing it as a favor and didn't have long-term in mind.
I'd be angry if I were her too.
You should've been honest from the start, or if you weren't honest back then you should've continued not telling her the truth, and should've now left her house with an excuse.
You misled her and admitted it, now left her with a problem - what's there to be grateful for?
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Not quite right, it was agreed as a month-to-month basis from the get go. |
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry for not putting that in there in the original post, but guess what, bad at communicating what I think is obvious at times. You move in anywhere, be it an apt, a room, your own house, no matter how miserable the arrangement ends up being you have to stay there forever? |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2226
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: |
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Of course you don't have to stay. What's wrong is not the leaving part, but the fact that you misled her about your real intentions (however kind they were, and they were very kind).
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:32 pm Post subject: |
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Greentea, please help me out here, maybe I will learn something in my relations with other people.
She asked me if I would rent out a room from her in the new house she bought as a fixer upper. I at first said no, as I prefer to live alone, but she begged . So I said ok, on a month-to-month basis I would do it.
She was thrilled with that, or so it seemed. Well living with her became impossible as she was very loud at all hours of the day and nite, messy, and a control freak. I hung on as long as I could then gave my month's notice after the 6th month. Paid for the month but left as she became abusive towards me.
I just don't understand how I misled her. Should I have said in the beginning that no way would I move in with her and likely lost her as a friend then because I would not help her out in her time of need? At what point do you draw the line from being miserable in your position and finally saying "enough" and leaving?
Yes she should be grateful that I went out of my comfort zone to assist her in her time of need. It didn't work out, nothing long term was promised. I was left to feel that she did not care at all about my point of view of it at all. |
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject: |
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"What's wrong is not the leaving part, but the fact that you misled her about your real intentions (however kind they were, and they were very kind)."
Please understand the only "intention" was to help her. Failed I guess. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2226
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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A friend and someone who abuses you cannot be the same person. If she knew all along that you were moving in as a favor and you didn't commit long-term, then sounds like she's the second kind, therefore not a friend.
For some strange reason that I'll probably die without discovering, when my sister does someone a favor, they repay her with gratitude, admiration, respect, loyalty and favors. When I do someone a favor, they become demanding of more and more and throw a fit if I draw a limit, then badmouth me to everyone and dump me with eternal hatred. There's probably something about HOW to do favors that my Aspie mind doesn't grasp. I think there's probably a way to do favors to NTs so one doesn't become a doormat and end up hated.
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:16 pm Post subject: |
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Wow that really hit home and set off a litebulb in my head. Do you think perhaps, it is because we never ask for favors ourselves? Do you? I don't and if someone offers me help I almost always politely deny it.
Not sure of the connection yet, but I know I don't usually offer help but will likely say yes if someone asks. Yet, I never ask for help. hmmmm |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2226
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject: |
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I think the reason is they can feel that we do it from our hearts, and because we genuinely care, so they exploit that caring. In the case of my sister and the likes of her, people know it's not genuine caring on her part and they'd better repay nicely or else they won't get more favors and they will be the ones badmouthed.
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"It is the wounded oyster that mends its shell with pearl" - Ralph Waldo Emerson |
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 51
Posts: 2805
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| I have to constantly remind myself not to help people (I have an impulse to). It doesn't work. |
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:06 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, starting to feel that way too. But it will likely pass............. haha think I was born a sucker and will die one. Just cause I am worried that when I finally do say no to someone it will be the one time that it won't be in my best interest to say no. |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 44
Posts: 4973
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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I think the problem is that many people are very good at denial. I think she bought the house thinking that she could count on you to help her pay for it (in rent). Some people, no matter how honest you are are going to not hear what they don't want to believe. I see examples of this all the time and it seems to be a brain "fluck" . Supposedly NTs can "read between the lines" but they are often wrong in their assumptions. Also, some people use their anger to try and manipulate people, so she could have been hoping it would make you change your mind.
I do think we attract people who are exploitive in nature . We maybe more forgiving of some traits that others see as "red flags" either because we are desperate for friends or more excepting of flaws because we are so aware of our own.
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WC
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jul 04, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 74
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, the whole reading between the lines thing gets me alot. One of the things I try to tell new people I meet is to not listen to how I am saying something, just listen to what I am saying, otherwise they will get it wrong because I am simply not capable of being devious. |
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Greentea
Bull in China Shop par Excellence!
Joined: Jun 15, 2007
Posts: 2226
Location: Middle East
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| Posted: Fri Jul 04, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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Krex, it's true that we attract exploiters. But I can't ignore the fact that besides that I get the exploitative side of people whereas NTs don't. The same person who is always grateful to whoever helps them even a little will try to get favors out of me by almost punching my nose, and claim it's my obligation. This is how I became friendless - I got fed up with this situation and cut contact with them all.
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