 
Support Wrong Planet Awareness!
| View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
NeantHumain
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3606
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
|
 Posted: Mon Jul 07, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: Developing This Thing Called "a Personality" |
 |
|
Most people have worked almost all their life building a socially pleasant personality to cement friendships with. Like most aspies, I tend to be serious, factual, and somewhat impersonal. Most people would say I "don't have a personality." If people think you're knowledgeable or skillful, they may value your advice or expertise when they can't figure something out; but they won't esteem your companionship. To develop camaraderie, one must be able to relate with others personally. This is a necessary step for meeting women.
I have worked on improving many things about me to attract women. I go to the gym from time to time (also for my health since exercise mitigates against depression and fatigue); I try to dress half-decently. Women may initially be attracted by my appearance or impressed with my skill or knowledge, but once I start a conversation with them, romantic/sexual interest fizzles—and quickly.
What steps have you taken to relate with people more personally, specifically in the domain of romantic attraction? How has it worked for you so far? |
|
| Back to top |
|
SilverStar
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
Good question. I Have the same problems with women. Initial attraction...then it fizzles out. I also have a problem with people (especially guys) interfering when I am trying to get together with a girl. This is very frustrating, and I loose interest in them quick, if I have to compete for their attention.
Here's some things I have read and learned about women.
**Girls (most of them anyways) like confidence. If you are always available, constantly do stuff for them, or chase them around and flirt with them all the time...it turns them off.
**Tease them. Don't be mean or rude, just playfully tease them. Disagree with them, challenge them, play hard to get (but don't make them chase you forever).
**Be spontaneous
**Have a good sense of humor
**Smile, have fun, and don't be too serious.
**Be honest and sincere
I have most of these down, but I am still working on a few...mostly the spontaneous,smiling and confidence part.  |
|
| Back to top |
|
doctorkoan
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 08, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 2
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 12:53 am Post subject: Re: Developing This Thing Called "a Personality" |
|
|
Hi I'm new to the forum. This is my first post.
This has been a rough spot for me as well. I got into a horrible marraige when I was young just because I was so stunned that any women would want me. So be very careful. Getting the girl isn't the end of the story.
You already have a personlity. Its probably a really fantastic one once a person gets to know you. Sure there may be faults. But I know I always tend to focus on those myself and ignore all the great stuff about me. Maybe you are doing that too?
You can put up an award winning act if all you want to do is date casually and you might be fine. But what if you find someone you want to spend a really long time with and get really close to?
I have a new wife now who is totally amazing in every way. She is also very supportive of my son who also is an aspie. I often tend to think that I don't know how I "lucked out," but when my wife presses me on this, I realize that this is just my usual negative talk.
You can say that girls like confidence and on the surface of it, that is true. But for a guy (or girl) that is mystified by the process of getting confidence in the first place, this can be "game over" advice. I used to try to pretend confidence, but was always terrified that the girl would see through me. Like any other aspie, I'm terrible with picking up the on subtle feedback that would let me know that she bought my act. So even my act was sabotaged. The ol' double-bind. I'm sure lots of us are familiar with that.
So all I was left with, was sincerely attaining real confidence. The things you are already doing (like going to the gym) are great starts. For me, I pursued activities related to my interests and let my passion for them act as a bridge. I like science fiction and writing, so I ran a sci-fi website, which led to a bunch of convention panels. I'm kind of a freak in that I don't fear public speaking, so that experience, in that environment put me not only at ease, but totally on my game. This is where I met my wife. She was in the audience of a panel. The subject was really very nerdy, but it was *my* subject, so I was very relaxed and having a good time. I guess that was a good moment for girls to see me.
During the rest of my life, I'm totally dorky. I studder, can't make eye contact, am always in my own world, filled with social dread, can't make small talk, etc. But all that was instantly okay with her, because she got to see a real moment where I could shine. Even better, all my troubles instigated mothering instincts. Not the pity kind, but the kind that grew emotions in her that became strong loyalty. I never hid any of my flaws. After the second date, I actually started talking openly about them. Not only were my difficulties not girl repellant, they were actually girl glue.
Which leads me to the real point of my response. I have a friend that lots of people would consider a "player" or "playboy" depending on their generation. He is reformed now so to speak, and has been in love with the same woman for several years now. He told me the greatest bit of dating wisdom ever:
"There are billions of women on the planet. Each one of them completely different form all the others. Getting in touch with any of them is easier than it ever has been in all of history. Just on a mathematical basis, no matter how different you are or what weird stuff you're into, there are many women (or men) out there that are desperately looking for someone exactly like you. The only way to find one of them and get started loving each other is to wade into the search expecting it produce a bunch of false starts, no starts and failures. If you know ahead of time that's what you are up against the lonliness and pain is really lessened. "
I hope this helps. Its by no means the whole story in getting the girl. Such a complicated subject. But its pretty much the only thing I've been able to figure out that's real. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jacobison
Snowy Owl
![]()
Joined: Jan 28, 2008
Posts: 138
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
| SilverStar wrote: | Good question. I Have the same problems with women. Initial attraction...then it fizzles out. I also have a problem with people (especially guys) interfering when I am trying to get together with a girl. This is very frustrating, and I loose interest in them quick, if I have to compete for their attention.
Here's some things I have read and learned about women.
**Girls (most of them anyways) like confidence. If you are always available, constantly do stuff for them, or chase them around and flirt with them all the time...it turns them off.
**Tease them. Don't be mean or rude, just playfully tease them. Disagree with them, challenge them, play hard to get (but don't make them chase you forever).
**Be spontaneous
**Have a good sense of humor
**Smile, have fun, and don't be too serious.
**Be honest and sincere
I have most of these down, but I am still working on a few...mostly the spontaneous,smiling and confidence part. |
got it all down and it's great
and to other post, ha |
|
| Back to top |
|
krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 44
Posts: 4973
Location: Village of the Damned
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Jacobison wrote: | | SilverStar wrote: | Good question. I Have the same problems with women. Initial attraction...then it fizzles out. I also have a problem with people (especially guys) interfering when I am trying to get together with a girl. This is very frustrating, and I loose interest in them quick, if I have to compete for their attention.
Here's some things I have read and learned about women.
**Girls (most of them anyways) like confidence. If you are always available, constantly do stuff for them, or chase them around and flirt with them all the time...it turns them off.
**Tease them. Don't be mean or rude, just playfully tease them. Disagree with them, challenge them, play hard to get (but don't make them chase you forever).
**Be spontaneous
**Have a good sense of humor
**Smile, have fun, and don't be too serious.
**Be honest and sincere
I have most of these down, but I am still working on a few...mostly the spontaneous,smiling and confidence part. |
got it all down and it's great
and to other post, ha |
I find it interesting that you would willingly take the advice of someone who doesn't have a relationship over someone who has learned from a mistakes and is in a current succesful relationship. It demonstrates to me that no matter how contrary to reality. there are still many guys here who would prefer believing the conventional "hype" and stereotypes the what has proven to work for many guys currently in relationships.
I am female and there are many of us here constantly telling male aspies..... Yes, you may attract many more females using the OP tactics but you will find someone that you will actually be happy with only if you are "real" . The "kind" of females who are attracted to aspie males are not always the ones that these "players" have done their research on. If you are not finding romance it is likely do to something about you beyond your "aspie traits", many of which are very postitive.
So, for the benefit of lonely aspie males every where. I would love to see some more aspies males in good relationships tell "how" they managed to find their partners .
_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesnt mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang
Visit my crafts store
http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5412685 |
|
| Back to top |
|
windscar15
Velociraptor
Joined: Feb 17, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 431
Location: San Jose, California
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 2:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
Ughhh... 
Yet another person who just because they act like a know-it-all, thinks that they have no personality. Look, people who know a lot but aren't humble or gracious about it put people off as being smart-alecs.
I went to a school full of smart people, only they were jerks about it and used it as a way to gauge how important you were. |
|
| Back to top |
|
crackedpleasures
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
Posts: 1689
Location: travelling (currently Berlin, longing for the Middle East)
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
Krex is spot on.
In fact it doesn't only go for aspies but for anyone: never wear a mask or play a role when it comes to relationships. Why would you want to behave differently than you really are to impress a woman? If she falls for you just because you play a role, then the relationship is doomed from the start because you won't feel happy to keep on your masquerade. The best thing to do is to always be yourself and wait for a girl that really likes you for who you are, once you found her you will be a lot happier because you got a relationship based on your actual self rather than on a facade. I know that this method may take a bit longer to find that girl, but on the other hand it is just pointless to behave different than you really are because you do want her to fall for you and not to fall for someone that isn't really you?
Must say I never really tried to develop an attractive personality or be a player. The type of people who are players basically turn me off, so I would rather not be someone like that myself.
_________________
Keep it flaming your desire, always rising high, aim for stars and hit the sky!
(Echo & The Bunnymen = gods amongst men) |
|
| Back to top |
|
NeantHumain
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Jun 25, 2004
Posts: 3606
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
|
| Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 10:26 pm Post subject: Re: Developing This Thing Called "a Personality" |
|
|
| doctorkoan wrote: | | I hope this helps. Its by no means the whole story in getting the girl. Such a complicated subject. But its pretty much the only thing I've been able to figure out that's real. |
I appreciate the advice, but I don't think confidence is my problem. I can at least come across as confident enough to approach women, and I've approached many, but the problem is keeping them interested. It's not a matter of confidence; it's a matter of not naturally thinking in terms of charming compliments and flirty smalltalk.
Anyway sometimes I'm not just looking for some ideal soulmate but even just someone to, erm, get it on with. |
|
| Back to top |
|
SilverStar
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
|
|
From what I have read it sounds like you guys are trying to say that I am a player or think I'm DOCTOR LOVE or something....way wrong.
I have the same problems as a lot of other people here. I was just trying to point out some things I think the majority of women look for in men, and why I, myself, along with alot of other guys are unsucessfull with most women. Another big thing is communication/people skills. This is one of the things I have been working on, and I think it has helped alot.
I would also love to find someone that liked me for who I am without having to change anything just as much of the next person, but I have found, that those women are hard to find, or at least, I haven't looked in the right places yet. And yes, it's probably best to be yourself when you are looking to meet someone your compatible with, but that doesn't mean there isn't any room for improvement. I know I sure need it.
I do agree, that it is a good thing to get out of the house more, go to places you like going, and do the things you enjoy. If you don't know what you like to do, or only have a few interests, try new ones until you find something you like, as it could possibly open up a lot of doors for you.
Last edited by SilverStar on Fri Jul 18, 2008 3:45 pm; edited 2 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
SilverStar
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 13, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 26
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 17, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: Re: Developing This Thing Called "a Personality" |
|
|
| NeantHumain wrote: | | doctorkoan wrote: | | I hope this helps. Its by no means the whole story in getting the girl. Such a complicated subject. But its pretty much the only thing I've been able to figure out that's real. |
I appreciate the advice, but I don't think confidence is my problem. I can at least come across as confident enough to approach women, and I've approached many, but the problem is keeping them interested. It's not a matter of confidence; it's a matter of not naturally thinking in terms of charming compliments and flirty smalltalk.
Anyway sometimes I'm not just looking for some ideal soulmate but even just someone to, erm, get it on with. |
I am kinda the same way. I am sort of shy when it comes to girls. I can be flirty and joke around with them at times, but when it comes to having a conversation, I "hit a brick wall" as I don't have much in common and have trouble relating to them. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Rack
Raven
Joined: Feb 19, 2008
Posts: 103
|
| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 7:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I can be myself and find someone who'll aprreciate that, but chances are I'll be long dead before that happens. Most of the time I can accept that, but sometimes I can't control what I want. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
|
|
