Need to vent...

makuranososhi · Posted: Tue Jul 08, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject:

Until near the end of this past year, I had been engaged for three years. Our relationship blossomed quickly, but we chose to maintain a lengthy engagement to counter-balance... in part because I had been single for some time prior, and she was just coming out of another relationship. (DANGER Will Robinson!) During that time, we started a new business together with one of my parents and moved to a small town. Just prior to the move (2+ years ago), we had a huge blowout fight (which happened to be on the day my grandmother died) and she shut down talking to me. I sent messages, letting her know that I was sorry for blowing up (or, as I understand it now, melting down from the change and shock) and that I would miss her while I was gone for the funeral and thought things were tense but we were still together. A little over a week after returning, we meet and spend some time together over a couple days... things improved. I asked if anything had happened during the interim; I know myself, and know that I can generally get over something if it is admitted honestly. "Nothing happened." - and I accepted it at first. But things were peculiar; even if I don't know what is going on, I can still sense the dischord. Her tale changed from nothing, to a drunken make-out session, on to a full explanation. I was doubly crushed, because the trust was damaged... yet I continued on, because I loved this woman and had made a commitment to her and to our store. We move, and for a time things are better before degenerating into frequent conflict, not being able to communicate with her or understand why she was upset, only to learn that I wasn't doing the spontaneous things she felt should be happening in our relationship. (Looking back now, that makes sense... then, I just felt like a useless idiot) She would become sullen, I would withdraw, something would happen and I would explode without any seeming rhyme or reason (again, in retrospect these would occur when plans would suddenly change, or I would be accosted for something I wasn't aware of, etc) and then we would spiral apart until we would finally find a moment to talk and became immersed in each other again. The final straw came when we travelled for her brother's wedding... and at this point I should disclaim that there was (and likely remains) animosity between her mother and I for many reasons. However, the entire trip was a disaster: I was sick, stressed and shaking, needed support and apparently wasn't communicating it, just completely ashamble. Her mother took every opportunity to dismiss and demean me, yet when I tried to stay at the hotel to avoid the stress I was accosted for not getting involved. I tried talking to my then-fiance about the problem, who then took it upon herself to talk to her mom about it. Despite her assurances, she did an about-face and took her mother's side of the entire issue. I lost it for a few hours, but pushed myself to try and meet up with them later that night. Was shunned by everyone save her brother, which was an odd experience. Three weeks later, she informed me she was breaking up with me, moving back and leaving the store. As I expected... there was already someone else (though denied at the time, the evidence is there) and moved right into another relationship. There are small moments when I miss her, but the objective analysis afterwards has lessened the sadness. Now I am just angry - while I love the store and the opportunity, it came at the cost of the home that I'd had for some years and leaving the support of the few friends and activities that I had in order to make the move. That, in my opinion, contributed greatly to the chaos and devastation in our relationship - prior to 4 months ago, I knew next to nothing about ASDs beyond my experience in teaching. Now it makes sense. Perhaps I am angry that she left before the cause was even found out... I know I'm angry about her lies and deceptions (which go beyond the one instance), and resent her greatly - she still hasn't taken the time to move the large remainder of her belongings from our storage facility. Over the months, I've grown to despise the person she became; I still have love for the woman I met and fell for... now I just want her gone. The constant antagonism of presence, seeing things that remind me of her, her handwriting, etc, leaves me almost permanently on the brink of breakdown. Trying to move it myself just makes it worse for me. There is so much here that was bought with her use as the intent and now I'm left with the burden - physically, emotionally, and fiscally.

Things are so much better now... at the moment, I have an amazing friendship with an old friend (who is far away, unfortunately) which is romantic, direct and supportive. She does her best to accept my quirks, and I try to return the favor. It is a healthy place right now... much better than where I have been, in terms of my own well-being. But when I make a commitment... it doesn't just break.

If anyone read this far... thanks. I just needed to pour out a little before it overboiled.

M.
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