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menameslaura
Raven
Joined: May 24, 2007
Age: 38
Posts: 124
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 Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:30 pm Post subject: Son getting bullied |
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Well,
I would love some advice. My 7 yr old son with Aspergers has a 4 yr old brother and this evening, his lttle brother had a couple of friends over.
"D" (with Aspergers) was wanting me to leave him in our bedroom with the door shut. He didn't want to play at all with them. These two boys (the friends), were playing together as typical 4 and 7 yr old boys do....chasing each other, being loud, playing with "D's" toys, etc.
I encouraged "D" to play, so he came out of our room but was easily tormented by the friends. The 7 yr old boy (friend) was playing with D's toys which included a NERF gun and started chasing D around the house with it.
From my point of view, it was typical behavior for kids that age, but D cowered every time and seemed afraid of the boy. I was hoping D (my son) would spar back, have fun and play along with him, but instead, he ended up in a fetal position on the bed in the spare bedroom crying.
I sent the friends home nicely and tried to talk to D sensibly. He told me that it was the worst experience in his life.
He's only 7 and getting ready to enter 2nd grade this year. What should I do?
Should I keep trying to involve him with the "other" kids and entice him to play, or, should I shield him from his percieved pain and let him stay (by his own wishes) in a room all alone watching cartoons, and playing computer video games while the kids his age are playing in our house with his NT little brother?
I'm so perplexed. Help...advice please.
Thanks,
Laura |
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menameslaura
Raven
Joined: May 24, 2007
Age: 38
Posts: 124
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject: |
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Come on, people, I need some help and any advice.
There seems to be a lot of people reading this thread, but no replies.
Advice.....stories.....suggestions.
PLEASE.
Thanks again,
Laura  |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3072
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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menameslaura, I think that being chased around the house with a nerf gun wouldn't be a pleasant experience... perhaps you'd like to try it with your sons and set an example...
seriously... just so that you
a. feel what it's like
b. show your son that it's actually fun by giggling (if it is) or what to do it if happens.
Anyway, that's all beside the point.
I'm thinking that the friend you had over was probably the wrong type of friend.
Suggest that you meet up with just your 7 year old and another "quiet" boy at a neutral location, like a park.
Or...
How about finding some other kids who like watching TV or playing computer games to play alongside him?
You could have a "movie night" - but stick to one child at a time and discourage running around. Let your 7yo take the initiative.
Finally, don't be too worried about a lack of friends. He will come out of his shell when he wants to. The "wrong" friends are NOT better than no friends.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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s4times
Emu Egg
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:03 pm Post subject: Son being bullied |
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Just thought I would say that when my son was that age (and still to this day) he is socially several years younger than his younger brother. he is now in 9th grade, but in many ways (physically/sports, etc., socially/dances, girls) is still several years younger.
As for the cowering...most autistics have difficulty when processing anything in loud environments...light, sound, commotion, unfamiliar situations, etc. All of that can shut them down.
For example: My son has to have all his information on his school lockers, classrooms, teachers, including actual visits to them with all of his supplies there and ready for the first day of school, every year, otherwise, with the noise, excitement level and unfamiliar feelings of what the day will bring will send him to the nurses office within and hour or so. Then he is doomed to do that for the next week because he ends up even less familiar than all the other kids.
We learned when he was young that play dates had to be with 1-kid. He needed to be briefed on who was coming, what they would be doing, how long he was staying, when he would be leaving.
Our son is 14-going on-15. We still have to prepare him with discussions of what will be happening that day. We still have a room for him to "unwind" when the agitation level is too high because of the activity in the house. He still shuts down when he has friends around if he spends too much time with them at their activity level. We just have to try to get him thru that and he always needs a lot of time to regroup.
Our son is (thankfully/ or not) in a private school of normal (tongue&cheek) people. They all watched him grow up. Some saw some pretty strange behaviors. But he is the nicest, funniest kid. They may still pick on him, but for the most part, he is a very well-like kid and treated the way most other teenagers are treated. Not always kind, but he fits in in that sense.
Please let me know if this was helpful. Love to talk about more that you can do, if you need to talk.
Good luck! |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 44
Posts: 4973
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Mon Jul 14, 2008 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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He has told you..."worse day of his life." Where is the question? Would you like to re-experience the worst day of your life over and over and have the reason be because the one person whom you love and trust be is the catalyst of that repeated "abuse" ? This experience was a sensory nightmare for your son. Is it "normal"...no, because his "sense are not normal". You are not going to change his sense by "desensitizing him" through exposure because there are two many senses involved. (There are some things that can be desensitized and others that we just eventually out grow...only time will tell).
I know you don't want to torture your son and am sure that your desire for him to learn to act more normal is a desire to have him not be ostracized by his peers. However, he has AS and you need to find other ways for him to connect to his peers through shared interests and not "rough housing". Is their a peer support group in your area he could join or a club that is more structured and quieter that he can share his interests with other peers. I agree we need to have some level of socializing but it doesn't have to be "a lot" or the same thing that the majority of our peers are doing.
Trust what he is telling you, if he says he is miserable or over whelmed it is because he is...we don't tend to lie even if we may "exaggerate" it is usually because we learn that no one seems to take us seriously unless we do.
_________________
Just because one plane is flying out of formation, doesnt mean the formation is on course....R.D.Lang
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iceb
Tarkalean hawk
Joined: Apr 27, 2007
Posts: 1321
Location: The Liberator flight deck
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 1:17 am Post subject: |
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As a child there were certain of my peers that no way could I play with they would take any opportunity to bully me. To have such a person in my home would have been unbearable. Fortunately no such people were friends of my brother.
I suspect this chap is such a person and your son is doing the only sensible thing, to keep out of the way.
Learning to cope with such people was a skill I did not develop until my late teens. At 7 I was just beginning to learn play within a small group of other ASD types within a special unit away from my school.
Please take it easy on D , he will be far better off in small groups of children who share some of his interests and will want very much to avoid some of the more boystrous types.
_________________
Wisdom must be gathered, it cannot be given.
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2309
Location: new england
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 7:06 am Post subject: |
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from my perspective, it seems that your son is having much difficulty with typical NT young boy behavior......my son had difficulty with this for years......my NT son would play as NT boys will. my AS son would view this as bullying. ( I was always physically present during these "incidents" that occurred between NT son & AS son, and know that they were indeed not bullying.)
the issue for my AS son was his perception of NT son's behavior. he simply didn't understand that sort of rough and tumble play. he didn't like it, and we put a stop to it once we actually realized that son was mis-perceiving the situation ( this was all WAY before a dx)..........we encouraged NT son to play with other boys his age, and encouraged AS son to play with a friend he'd made in school.
i think it's worth talking to your son about what his perception of the situation is. talk about how other people might perceive the situation differently.....talk about how it's ok to not like that sort of play, but that it's also ok that your NT son does like that sort of play. |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:25 am Post subject: |
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You wanted advice - here's some. Listen to your son.
He asked if he could stay in the bedroom- he did not want to play with them - why did you encourage it when you knew he didn't want to?
My son (now 11) does not enjoy the rough and tumble, aggressive play that some boys engage in - it makes him comfortable, he doesn't like it- so what? He likes to interact with kids ON HIS OWN TERMS - he can sit with a friend and talk and play computer games or board games - he doesn't necessarily want to wrestle or roughouse....but sometimes he does want to do that - very rarely though.
I think a lot of Aspie parents -myself included- desperately want their kids to be "normal" and just like other kids - but in many ways they are not, they don't want to be and we shouldn't try to make them.
This quote from a book I read helps me a lot in my time of doubt:
"The problems go away when you quit expecting them to be normal" |
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SIXLUCY
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 14, 2008
Age: 30
Posts: 895
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: |
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| Hi, I have a beautiful but very challenging 11 year old boy with HFA. I have recently been diagnosed with autism. I am a single parent. It has been a very difficult and emtionally draining year. |
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menameslaura
Raven
Joined: May 24, 2007
Age: 38
Posts: 124
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: |
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Sincerest thanks to all of you.
I guess I should have read between the lines and really listened to D...... instead, I tried to get him to come out of the room and play with the other kids at our house. I guess I was just thinking that it seems even when his two girl cousins came over a week before to play and they are very well behaved and never rough house and they are the same ages as our 2 boys, D closed my bedroom door and locked it and played his Gamecube.... he even posted a sticky note to the door that said :"Go Away. Kranky Sleeper Inside". I let him have what he wanted that day because I know we all need our time to ourselves. I guess I was feeling like he was doing that again when the 2 boys came over yesterday and I for some reason felt like he was ostracizing himself from the rest of his peers.
I really do appreciate all your responses. Sincerely I do. I want what's best for him. I love him with all my heart and soul. I will try to find ways to be a better parent for him. One thing I will do starting today is try and see if there are clubs or playgroups for kids with Aspergers in our city. Austin, Texas.
Laura |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | I know we all need our time to ourselves |
My son needs a lot of alone time - I used to worry about it,but he can happily amuse himself with books, tv, computer, games, and he also just likes to think a lot. He said he likes to "figure things out" that way.
Some Aspie kids have their need for socialization filled much more quickly than others. I can only speak for my son, but when he's had enough - it's very clear and then I leave him alone. |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3072
Location: Sydney, Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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menameslaura,
Glad to see that you're going to try things differently.
It takes a lot of guts to accept mistakes, so... well done. You're obviously a very good parent.
_________________
Gavin.
http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/ |
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menameslaura
Raven
Joined: May 24, 2007
Age: 38
Posts: 124
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 10:27 am Post subject: |
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Thanks gbollard 
Laura |
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annie2
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 18, 2007
Posts: 314
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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I would maybe go for a half-way house here. You are going to have years of your 4-yr-old wanting to have friends over, and it would be good if you could get some progress with D coping with it. I would work on D being out of his room and having some interaction for some of the time, even if a very small amount at the start. I also think it would help to have rules for friends, eg. you don't play chasey games with D because he doesn't like them (or whatever other rule protects him).
My 8 yr old son has difficulty with chasey games too. He loves them, but can't tell when he is getting too rough, or can't read that when other kids say they want to stop that they mean it - he thinks it is part of the game and ends up hurting or annoying them. |
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Dasha
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 09, 2008
Posts: 88
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| Posted: Sun Jul 20, 2008 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Have you explained to his friends why he acts differently? I know an autistic boy who only interacts with others on occasion. However when he doesn't appear to be upset his friends come over to him and try to interact. The might say "what are you building for the science fair?" and his first response would be "why are you asking me that?" but the kids are understanding of that and can explain to him that they are just being friendly |
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