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natesmom
Sea Gull
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 231
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 Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:44 am Post subject: My husband may finally join this group |
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I have known or suspected that my "now" husband had Aspergers from the moment I met him. I was his residential advisior in college - met him in 1996. I actually thought: He must be gay, stuck up or have Aspergers. Couldn't figure it out. He was/is very intelligence and has a great sense of humor.
Anyways...fast forward to now. Son dx with Aspergers recently. Initially dx with Autism at age 2. Just further confirmation for me that my husband probably is as well.
My husband is a genius - IQ of 155+. He calls it a curse not a gift. He has always suffered from depression and was dx with bipolar II a few years ago. On meds, he is more stable. He hasn't been on meds for over two years and life has been so hard for us all. He is going through a downward spiral again and I convinced him to get on meds. He just started them again today.
He was in tears tonight finally admitting that he is probably Aspergers. I think the tears were the result of him putting the pieces together and finally getting through the denial aspect. I see it as a good thing, but right now his depression is really making his ability to interact with people worse; he forgets when he is like this.
He stated that the anxiety in social situations have always been too much because he really didn't know how to even begin. I saw a video of him throwing a baseball when he was 8 years old and it seemed robotic-like (he was so cute, though!). Tonight, all I did was ask about the video and he immediately said that the video made him cringe, even after he saw it when he was a child. He told me he never knew that he looked so stiff and robotic-like. That made me so sad. He was such a cute child that was just misunderstood and people just constantly told him how perfect he was. He was constantly trying to remember how to act in social situations so he survived by hardly talking. He told me that he was always stiff like that. He was also very monotone and had hardly any expression to his face. He still doesn't but that's alright. He said that he has always felt so alone in this world. He knows how to handle social situations when he is stable in his mood (although it is still rehearsed in his head and a struggle) but when depression hits, he said he feels like he regresses to the point of becoming immobilized. He literally can no longer be in most social situations because he forgot what to do and say, completely. His mind then won't shut off and he gets in this loop where he constantly rehearses a lot of his life when it comes to social situations and "how he screwed up." It is just so sad to me.
Can anyone relate at all??
He was always the extremely good child. He was almost afraid to make a mistake. He once told me that it was easy to get lost in books and school because he wasn't forced to socialize with other children. He usually received 100% on everything. He didn't have the horrible school experiences because his identity became the tall, smart, very quiet guy. He does have a lot of memories of feeling awkward and socially inept. He never even looked at girls and hardly looked at other people except for his friends. He did get depressed a lot and had severe social anxiety due to not knowing how to converse with people.
I am ADHD (so I don't call myself really a NT) but I don't understand the whole depression part.
I hope he joins this forum soon. He really really needs to feel a part of something. He needs to talk with people who fully understand him, where he is coming from. I showed him some of your threads in random topics and he started to laugh. I believe he can relate to a lot of you here. He especially liked a few of the Asperger analogies and favorite movie quotes. Since I am ADHD, it's everything I can do just to remember the name of the movie or characters I recently saw lol! So, I am a bit jealous  I have a HORRIBLE memory.
Anyone have advice for me?
I believe that he grew up in the best environment for him. His mom is OCD (I dx her - not officially), and I really truly believe his father has Aspergers and/or bipolar. I think more Aspergers. His mom MAY have it. I don't know. They have lived a very VERY structured life. For five years or so, they went to Burger King every tuesday. They have certain days and times they do certain activities. There was always a very specific way of doing almost everything in the house. The kids never had to do anything as SUPERMOM (she truly was/is) would do it all. There was no additional life pressures on him. His parents are highly analytic and weren't much for small talk or talking about emotions or feelings. It just wasn't important to them.
Now I am realizing that I really need to provide something similar for my son. I will never be supermom but I can at least provide more structure. I am trying.
Anyways....I would love some insight and advice. This has been a frustrating road until now. As long as he continues to take his pills and admits that he is Aspergers and learns more about it, I will be happy!! He needs to read some books on Aspergers and also become a member of this forum.
Does anyone have good book ideas that would help him? I don't want one on kids but a book that is for adults. I know a lot of book stuff because I am a school psych but I want to know how to be there for my husband. I am so very opposite of him in every way, except I get a little more overstimulated than he does in a lot of situations and have more sensory issues than he does.
I am just SO THANKFUL he is finally admitting that he has Aspergers. I would think that would be so "freeing". His psych nurse asked him if he wanted a referral to someone who is specialized to make the dx official. He said no because, "What's the point!" I don't blame him. It doesn't matter at this time of his life.
I am just sad that he is so sad. He told me that he finally realized that even with meds, he will always have this problem. I just want him to be happy. Sometimes I wonder if he wouldn't be happier with an Aspie girl:( |
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natesmom
Sea Gull
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
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Okay ... I found some articles and there appears to be some overlap between Aspergers and gifted kids.
Now I am really confused. I think the most confusing thing for me is that he didn't have behavior problems in school. He had good adaptive skills. I am so very confused. |
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krex
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 21, 2006
Age: 44
Posts: 4973
Location: Village of the Damned
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:17 am Post subject: |
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Hi...It's 3am and I am on my way to bed, so don't have the time to give more in depth feedback but I am glad he is willing to even consider this as an option. The information about gfted kids doesn't mean that some of them are not also aspie. It is a spetruma dn we are still learning how it exhibits in different people. Nature and nurture are just as likely to influence how AS "exhibits" in us as it does for NT's.
I did not have a lot of behavior problems in school until I hit 16 and was kicked out of my house by my parents...no structure and complete melt-down for me leading to alcohol, etc. Prior to that the only bad reports I had were "keeps getting out of her seat to help other kids with their school work ) Jesus said to be helpful and I was just trying to follow his example...dang literal aspies. I didn't have melt downs...I just avoided the noisy kids on the play ground. I wasn't even aware of I was being bullied/mocked by peers because I didn't have much interest in them...(except for a few cute guys I had crushes on who just ignored me...was very precocious in that area).
Anyway. I will try and write more tomorrow....my aspie(ish) bf is giving me the evil eye and wants to get some sleep. 
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Tracker
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 17, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 174
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:09 am Post subject: |
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The lack of behavioral problems in school isnt that suprising. Most behavioral issues in people with ASDs come from overloading. As long as he went to a relatively calm and quiet school there should be no reason for him to act out. Plus, if his natural reaction is to shutdown and become introverted as opposed to freaking out then it wouldnt be noticed as a behavior problem, he would just have seemed a bit withdrawn. Similiar to me. I was often accused of tuning out and being in my own world.
As far as being depressed with social interactions, I can relate. Its not as though failing to interact repeatedly is an uplifting experience. I dont know if this is useful advice for your husband, but I found that its alot easier to interact with people when your not trying to be perfect. Constantly panicing about saying the wrong thing and worrying sucks the enjoyment out of any situation, even if its just freindly social talk. Overall I solve this problem by avoiding social situations. If you get stuck in social situations then your best bet is to simply remain calm, and try not to worry about being perfect. Just be quiet and listen to people talk. When you want to say something think it through in your head then say what it is in a concise matter. No need to be overly wordy when all you need to do is ask a simple question. Or answer a simple question.
Also, talking with other people is much easier when your talking with people who dont influence you directly. Talking with your co-workers about dating is often a daunting task. You have no insights on the topic, and if you mess it up, you have to deal with your co-workers response. This leads to a bit of anxiety. Likewise talking to family or your boss can be a daunting experience due to the problems of living with making mistakes. Talking with people online is often times much less stressful. If you say something wrong, all you need to do is mute the other person and you wont have to worry about it anymore. It may be a good idea to get your husband to join a group based on his interest. That way he can talk to strangers about topics that interest him. Its probably the easist place to start.
As for advice for you. Be nice to your husband, life sucks enough as it is when your dealing with social problems. Having a safe place to return and a loving family is always a good thing. |
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intense
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 10, 2008
Posts: 351
Location: UK
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:25 am Post subject: |
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Yes I certainly can relate to this, I'm in my 30's and only got my dx this year, in the past I've been treated for depression and anxiety but these problems were really only the symptoms of un-diagnosed AS.
I had such problems with anxiety at school I did very poorly not due to a lack of intelligence but because I was paralysed with fear about getting things wrong all the time, I found sitting in a class room full of people with a teacher who would pick you out randomly at any moment absolute torture, it was so bad I would often just walk out of school because I couldn't take it anymore.
Despite all this I still managed to go to collage and eventually get my degree and I did find ways to cope with the social side of college although it was VERY hard, I never really socialised with people outside of collage at all.
Going through your life not knowing what’s wrong but knowing there is something different about you for so many years does make you feel so desperately alone it is hard to describe.
I am so glad I now (finally) know what the cause of my difficulties is but on the other hand I’m also very sad because I wonder if my life might have been more bearable if I had been diagnosed as a child.
There definitely a lot of people like me out there who have fallen between the cracks and have suffered alone far into adult life.
I admit when I first started looking into Aspergers myself on the internet I didn't at first want to accept that I could have it, mainly because I felt my life was already so full of problems that admitting to myself that I might have AS just seemed like another huge thing I would have to deal with and I just couldn't face it.
I was wrong and now I have been diagnosed I feel like a lot of the weight I've been carrying has been lifted, AS is the reason for who and what I am and it's ok to be this way, I am just different and if people treat me badly because I have problems with people and social situations it is not my fault, I used to believe it was all down to me and I was just ugly and worthless all because I had AS and didn’t have any other explanation for the way people were with me.
If he feels ready try get your husband to go for his diagnosis by what you've written I think you already know what the outcome is going to be, I needed my diagnosis badly and from reading about your husbands experiences I think it would help him put his life into some sort of perspective, that’s what getting my diagnosis has done for me, I now understand myself better where as before I didn't really know who I was and where (if at all) I fitted into this world.
If in the unlikely event of the AS specialist’s deciding that your husband does not have Aspergers he could clearly benefit from some help and there is some out there I started the ball rolling with a visit to my GP.
Finding this forum and actually talking to other people like me has been a revelation, even though I’ve only been here for a short while I feel more at home here than on any forum I’ve ever posted on, I finally feel understood and not so alone anymore.
If your husband does join us here I think he would feel very welcome like I did 
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Fuzzy
Ack! Thbbbt!
Joined: Mar 31, 2006
Posts: 1916
Location: Alberta Canada
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:20 am Post subject: |
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I knew a year before i was formally diagnosed, and still, when it came it floored me. But it was like an immense weight vaporizing from me. Tell your Husband to go for it, and He has kindred spirits here.
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Postperson
The Daughter of Indifference
Joined: Jul 10, 2004
Age: 51
Posts: 2784
Location: Uz
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:04 am Post subject: |
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Come on down, natesdad!
You'll be among you're own kind here. It's not that bad once you get used to it, took me about 3 years to accept I really have this condition. |
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natesmom
Sea Gull
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:58 am Post subject: |
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| Wow! Thank you so much! Everything you all described sounds do much like him. Yes, his natural tendency is to shutdown. In contrast, my natural (ADHD) tendency is to overreact "freak out". Poor guy. I will have him read these responses later today and hopefully he will join. |
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t0
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 24, 2008
Posts: 370
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:17 pm Post subject: Re: My husband may finally join this group |
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| natesmom wrote: | | He was in tears tonight finally admitting that he is probably Aspergers. I think the tears were the result of him putting the pieces together and finally getting through the denial aspect. I see it as a good thing, but right now his depression is really making his ability to interact with people worse; he forgets when he is like this. |
Did he tell you this, or is it deduction?
| Quote: | | He was such a cute child that was just misunderstood and people just constantly told him how perfect he was. |
My mother used to say that if you told a kid that he was "bad" he'd make sure to be bad to prove you right. The problem here is that you can't be perfect. I took statements like these to be fact when I was a kid. I think a lot of people with AS do this. I tried to be perfect for a long, long time and I still interpret failures or imperfections in work or social situations to dilute my own self-worth.
| Quote: | | His mind then won't shut off and he gets in this loop where he constantly rehearses a lot of his life when it comes to social situations and "how he screwed up." |
My mind does this as well. It's amazing how clearly you can view all your failures when you're depressed. It's like a slideshow of your own worst moments going through your brain at the speed of light and over and over. The worst part is that you can't really judge "how bad" it was because you're depressed and that skews your point of view. Sometimes I'll churn on an awkward social moment that the other people present don't even remember. Meanwhile the "logical" part of me is telling me not to worry about it, that noone remembers it, etc. - but the images just won't stop going through my head and the feeling of being a failure won't go away.
| Quote: | | He was always the extremely good child. He was almost afraid to make a mistake. |
Almost afraid to not be perfect? It's really hard when you take stuff like this literally. You're being praised and getting attention and it's implied that it's for being perfect. Inside you know you're not perfect, you're awkward, you don't fit it, you don't think people like you, etc. So you put up this fake image and you keep quiet because you don't want people to find out that you're not perfect. It's similar to the stories of people hiding their AS, trying to be someone else, etc - you're fighting your own perception of yourself.
| Quote: | | Anyone have advice for me? |
Does he react differently when you get sad? If you tell him that his sadness is making you sad, does he change behavior - even for a small amount of time? From your description of his childhood, it makes it sound like he might not deal well with pressure, or hasn't had to due to supermom. I'm just wondering if he recognizes (or is told) when his behavior is causing problems for you and if his care-level for you is high enough to snap him out of the depression. If my wife tells me that I'm making things worse for her, I usually get focused and start doing something that takes my mind off the depression.
| Quote: | | I am just sad that he is so sad. He told me that he finally realized that even with meds, he will always have this problem. I just want him to be happy. Sometimes I wonder if he wouldn't be happier with an Aspie girl:( |
I think it's important to let him know how you feel. I would bet that he wouldn't be happier with another person. The problem isn't the people he's with - it's inside him - and it will be forever unless he can come to accept and like who he is. I don't know if that's totally possible for anyone - I certainly go back and forth between liking and not liking myself. |
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Lepidoptera
Blue Jay
Joined: May 10, 2008
Posts: 97
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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| natesmom wrote: | Okay ... I found some articles and there appears to be some overlap between Aspergers and gifted kids.
Now I am really confused. I think the most confusing thing for me is that he didn't have behavior problems in school. He had good adaptive skills. I am so very confused. |
I probably can't be of any help to you but this thread is of help to me.
I've struggled with trying to understand how I appear more aspie as an adult than as a child. I was one of those "perfect" children in grade school. I never had behavior problems but I too was terrified of making a mistake or appearing different in any way. I was always very quiet and attended to school work. I also didn't have meltdowns. I'd withdraw instead. I was clueless when it came to social anything. One half our report cards were social items, "Satisfactory" or "Unsatisfactory." I never understood how those items were determined. An "unsatisfactory" would have meant severe punishment at home so I was always terrified at report card time. Fortunately I always passed. I wasn't so lucky at home though and I received many a spanking for what I'm sure now were various social blunders. Grades were not a problem as I was smart and I could objectively determine how I was doing before report card time. In my day, schools were quiet and well disciplined and so was home, so getting overloaded wasn't really a problem.
In junior high I also got labeled the brainy quiet kid. I experienced some bullying then but I now believe it resulted when some kids were unable to get through to me in a normal social manner. If they didn't have something interesting to discuss, why did I want to talk to them?
Up through grade 8 I had a strong social support network with several families with kids my age living nearby. But we moved after grade 8 and I started high school in a place where I knew no one. I found out fast that I had no idea how to make a friend. I spent my freshman year alone. Not a happy time.
We moved again and I started grade 10 in a new high school. By this time I was interested in radio and electronics and this new school had a ham radio club which I went to. I made a few friends through this common interest. The rest of high school was fairly uneventful but I was totally clueless as to all the social stuff that was going on. I truly did feel like an observer from another planet watching the curious interactions of young humans.  |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 4596
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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| natesmom wrote: | Okay ... I found some articles and there appears to be some overlap between Aspergers and gifted kids.
Now I am really confused. I think the most confusing thing for me is that he didn't have behavior problems in school. He had good adaptive skills. I am so very confused. |
I had no behaviour problems , and good adaptive skills. Like your husband, I seem fairly normal and am undiagnosed but I MUST be AS. |
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makuranososhi
Purple Monkey Dishwasher
Joined: May 13, 2008
Posts: 1979
Location: Arizona
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
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I hope he joins; it can be therapeutic to finally see another face standing next to you in the mirror.
Lepidoptera, well said - while not an exact match in timeline, we have a lot in common based on what you wrote. Problems arose for me most in transitional phases of my life, and as I've gotten older the more continually tumultuous it has become. My coping mechanisms aren't working right now; I'm glad to have found WP which has provided both focus and support for me.
M.
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ImMelody
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 10, 2008
Posts: 625
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 11:05 pm Post subject: |
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I will echo what the others have said here. I was also a "perfect" child.. So perfect that when I finally got away from my parents I fell apart. I never felt like I was perfect. I always had a smile on my face, always did good in classes, did all the extracurriculars (for fun to be honest)... And even then, I didn't feel like I was perfect. It's truly a horrible life to live. You never measure up.
Now, for what you can do? Well, I'm like your husband, undiagnosed, and realizing that I'm AS. I also have kids on the spectrum... And oddly enough, my husband is ADHD I really like the stance my husband is taking in all of this. He's standing beside me and supporting me. And when I get down or anxious, he will quiz me on what's going on. He'll express his feelings on the matter. And honestly, his feelings matter to me, but I always feel like his feelings are supposed to be mine.. And I get angry with him because that's not my feelings, and finally it comes out exactly what I'm depressed or anxious about. But he doesn't mind me getting upset with him. He knows it's part of the "steps" to getting me better.
Away from that, for your kid, it is definitely better to have structure.. But as a person with AS, I also understand the need to have leeway. So for myself, and my kiddos, I don't give the strict structure.. I have a set of things that need to be done during the first of the morning, middle of the morning, and late morning/into lunch.. then afternoon and 5 o'clock "rush" and supper.. Then things that need to be done at night.. And rather than doing all of it in a very strict way.. I just make sure all the things that need to happen during the different sections of the day, get done.. But not necessarily in any particular order. It's my way to have structure, but not fixate on the schedule. And so far it really helps.
Sorry, I'm probably rambling now, but I just wanted to say that. (There I go apologizing again.. You can never be perfect... but at least I can recognize when I'm trying to be!)  |
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gbollard
the oncoming storm
Joined: Oct 06, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 3056
Location: Sydney, Australia
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Sedaka
Searching For My Catcher in the Rye
Joined: Jul 17, 2006
Age: 26
Posts: 5131
Location: In the recesses of my mind
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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im not DXed yet... am trying...
but i had slight behavior issues when i was younger... in that i wouldnt participate in school and would daydream ect instead of working... that lead to getting my IQ tested which landed me in magnet school and i was engaged enough to do the work and poof! no more behavior issues... probably not a lot of normal behaviors... but that's not what schools care about... so it's kind of a moot point imo*.
edit: * moot as far as IDing aspie behaviors
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