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MaryB69
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 13, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 28
Location: western North Carolina
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 Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:37 pm Post subject: I can't stand the looks I get!!! |
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We're in the process of getting Chip diagnosed and have had to switched docs in order to do so. He's 3 (will be 4 in August) and has had a real rough time lately. Two days straight in a row now I've gotten looks from people as if to say that I'm a bad mom and that I should be spanking Chip when he has meltdowns. Chip has bitten me and scratched me and pinched me!! I have marks on my arms from where he's bitten me!! I can't stand the looks I've gotten!! People may as well be saying that I'm an awful mom and that Chip is a bad kid just from the looks that they give me and I know that's the furthest thing from the truth!! I sit and cry cause I know Chip is a good kid and that he's just caught in a body that can't deal with the things that are going on. He had a major meltdown yesterday at the library cause he couldn't handle the big group of kids and he had a major meltdown today for over an hour at WIC because he couldn't deal with them weighing him and measuring him. The lady at the WIC office even told him taht if he didn't cooperate then he wasn't getting WIC (as if that's going to make any difference to him!)!! I've told people that I know there's something wrong & that we're trying to get him help. Sometimes that makes a difference & sometimes it doesn't. My mil is finally realizing that there's something wrong with Chip, but still thinks we should spank. I just don't see where that'll help in this situation. UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! I just hope we're able to get him help soon cause I'm not sure how much more I can deal with!! The looks I get from people sure don't help it either!!
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Mary
stay at home mom of Chip, Josh and Nevaeh
wife of Cody |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | still thinks we should spank. |
OMG! please don't spank the poor kid - you just said in your post that you know your son is a good kid and just can't handle things right now- he's also 4! That's hard enough in itself let alone with some sort of diagnosis.
IMHO, spanking is never right and it is a brutal act of aggression against a small, helpless child.
Forget about the looks you get - those people know nothing about you and your situation. You do have to develop a tough skin, but it will help. You don't have time or energy to waste on ignorant people. |
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MaryB69
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 13, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 28
Location: western North Carolina
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:55 pm Post subject: |
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I know what you mean, Rachel. I know he's a good kid. He's just caught in a body that can't handle the world around him at times. At home he does pretty good here lately and I've been working with him really hard. He just doesn't do well in public places most of the time. He's very smart too which helps in lots of situations when he does understand what I'm telling him. I love him with all my heart which is what makes this so hard. I hate seeing him go through what he does at times. I love him so much and I'm really trying to get him help that he needs so desperately!!
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Mary
stay at home mom of Chip, Josh and Nevaeh
wife of Cody |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 178
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject: |
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One thing you'll learn is when it's just not worth it to take him somewhere. There are places that we finally figured out my son does not want to go - any place loud, crowded and hot. It has gotten easier as he has gotten older (he's now 11) and he can tolerate so many different things that he never used to be able to- he amazes me.
If you absolutely have to go somewhere that is a trigger for him you need to prepare and always have an out. If it's not going well you just leave. Through trial and error I knew what places would just be uncomfortable for him and we just didn't go until he could handle it. It's good to eventually try to have them get used to these places but it needs to be on their timetable. |
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aurea
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 22, 2007
Posts: 381
Location: melb,Australia
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
I know its tough but please don't spank. 3 and 4 year olds can be little monsters anyway, he does need to learn some other way of expressing his anxiety rather than lashing out. Having said all that, you need to learn his que's. You now know he doesn't cope well in crowds, you need to get out whilst the going is good, then reward him for leaving peacfully.
I'd be feeling sorry for the kids of these other people, gawd help them if they are having a bad day, what have they got to look forward to NOT support from their parents but a spanking.
Sorry my post is all over the place at the moment. Back to the first thing I said; can you teach him some sort of signal so that when he is getting worked up you know and can remove him or intervene before things get to bad. I have a 9 year old and we have learnt to always provide a hood on his jackets/jumpers, when he is getting stressed or is uncomfortable his hood goes up to cover his head. Prior to the hood he used to put his hands to his ears. Even if he couldn't tell me what was bothering him I knew it was time to leave. Sometimes even today he will put his hood up but say he wants to stay, we leave as calmly as possible or very carefully monitor what is going on. Eg we just recently went to the circus J's hood went straight up ( we think due to the crowd and unfamiliar environment) however he wanted to stay to see the performance. We made a point of sitting as far away from everyone else as possible to try and minimize the stress he was feeling.
You will probably always get looks from other parents even from family from time to time, the looks are possibly worse because your anxious that your son is causing a sceen, you may not even relise it but the people around you may be picking up on your level of stress as well. Please don't take that the wrong way, all Im trying to say is that at the end of the day who cares what other people think, it only matters that you are doing what is best for your son.
If you did spank him, I'm sure you would be getting looks for that to. |
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MaryB69
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 13, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 28
Location: western North Carolina
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:37 pm Post subject: |
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Instead of spanking him, I tickled him to try to distract him. That actually worked for a little bit. I'd talk calmly to him and try to distract him, which did help. I think I got more looks for how I handled the situation and probably for how much patience I have. I'd rather get those kinds of looks than to be given the looks that say that Chip is an awful kid, but they're looks none the less. I'm working on trying to give him cues to use to let me know that he's overwhelmed. I'm trying to get him to where he's not lashing out on someone, but it's not easy. I'm trying my best to get him the help he needs so badly. It wasn't easy though when he bit me, leaving marks. It was all I could do to get him to let go. My mil took him to the car once we got the go ahead that he wasn't needed in the room cause we just couldn't deal with the way he was lashing out. It wasn't easy cause we had 3 kids and just 2 adults. I think next time there will be 3 adults so that Chip can get a way out if he needs it. I've even tried taking toys and books to help distract him, but it just doesn't always work. I guess I need to try exploring other options.
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Mary
stay at home mom of Chip, Josh and Nevaeh
wife of Cody |
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equinn
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 20, 2007
Posts: 652
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:51 pm Post subject: Re: I can't stand the looks I get!!! |
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| MaryB69 wrote: | | We're in the process of getting Chip diagnosed and have had to switched docs in order to do so. He's 3 (will be 4 in August) and has had a real rough time lately. Two days straight in a row now I've gotten looks from people as if to say that I'm a bad mom and that I should be spanking Chip when he has meltdowns. Chip has bitten me and scratched me and pinched me!! I have marks on my arms from where he's bitten me!! I can't stand the looks I've gotten!! People may as well be saying that I'm an awful mom and that Chip is a bad kid just from the looks that they give me and I know that's the furthest thing from the truth!! I sit and cry cause I know Chip is a good kid and that he's just caught in a body that can't deal with the things that are going on. He had a major meltdown yesterday at the library cause he couldn't handle the big group of kids and he had a major meltdown today for over an hour at WIC because he couldn't deal with them weighing him and measuring him. The lady at the WIC office even told him taht if he didn't cooperate then he wasn't getting WIC (as if that's going to make any difference to him!)!! I've told people that I know there's something wrong & that we're trying to get him help. Sometimes that makes a difference & sometimes it doesn't. My mil is finally realizing that there's something wrong with Chip, but still thinks we should spank. I just don't see where that'll help in this situation. UUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!! I just hope we're able to get him help soon cause I'm not sure how much more I can deal with!! The looks I get from people sure don't help it either!! |
I'm sorry, but what is WIC? |
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MaryB69
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 13, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 28
Location: western North Carolina
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| Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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WIC is a women, infant and children's nutrition program. It helps with getting food for families.
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Mary
stay at home mom of Chip, Josh and Nevaeh
wife of Cody |
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cyberscan
Snowy Owl
Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 134
Location: Near Panama, City Florida
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:14 am Post subject: Try something like this |
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Making information cards to hand out to people who stare when a child has a meltdown may be appropriate.
I like this one even better.
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I am AUTISTIC - Always Unique, Totally Interesting, Straight Talking, Intelligently Conversational. |
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Beenthere
10 Miles South of Sanity
Joined: Dec 30, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 2079
Location: Pa.
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 12:41 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't take my son alot of places when he was this age, when I did I always tried to make it as quick as possible.
Distraction worked quite well, if I could get him to laugh, or focused on something else.
I used to hide alot of toys, busy objects in my purse...I remember the looks I would get when he would start actiing up somewhere and I would reach in my purse and hand him a toy.  I was this awful, awful, mother that was "rewarding" her son for bad behaviour.
I was trying to prevent the head-butting, screaming, kicking, sit-down all out fit that this could and would progress to.  Everyone has "helpful" advice on how you should raise your kids, even those who have never had kids, but you know your son the best and you know better than any of them what is going on with him...go with that and don't mind what everyone says. You're doing fine.  For me the "terrible 2's" were a flash in the pan compared to when he was 3 & 4.
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*Normal* is just a setting on the dryer. |
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natesmom
Sea Gull
Joined: May 16, 2008
Posts: 231
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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| i love those cards - great idea! |
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Trigger11
Shikamaru Nara
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 7176
Location: Hidden Leaf Village
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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You really need to not care what other people may or may not be thinking as they stare at you. If you allow that to alter how you treat your sone, then you are betraying him.
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I won’t tell anyone else how to be
You can be yourself, but just let me be me |
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MaryB69
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 13, 2008
Age: 39
Posts: 28
Location: western North Carolina
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| Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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I was telling my husband about people staring and he said to tell them "take a picture it lasts longer"!! LOL I almost died laughing!!
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Mary
stay at home mom of Chip, Josh and Nevaeh
wife of Cody |
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Lorraine
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2006
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Mary,
I can completely relate to your situation. I lived in NYC with my son until he was 4. A helium balloon tied to his stroller worked great. Audio integration therapy probably helped the most because he stopped covering his ears when he heard loud noises (lots of those in NYC). A sensory integration technique of pushing down on his shoulders had an almost instant calming affect. Still, I had people stop their cars on the street to tell me to spank my son at times when he was tantruming. Once, on a return from a lengthy and difficult hearing evaluation, my son was having a really rough time on the subway. Kicking, biting, knocked my earing out of my ear, screaming, etc. I held him and spoke softly in his ear for what seemed like hours. The entire subway car full of people had ganged up and were telling me to hit my son. It was one of the hardest times in my life, and I was in no position to respond to what those people were thinking or saying. The comments I received leaving the train car were even worse, and I was exhausted and did start crying. When you have a child with a "blind disability", you have to love them twice as much for all the negative attention they get. In the end, I will never see those people on the subway again, but my son is my son for the rest of my life and I love him dearly. Your heart is already telling you the right thing to do!
Lorraine |
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nekowafer
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Age: 23
Posts: 351
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:07 am Post subject: |
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| I don't have a kid but I do have a suggestion for you - maybe get him a kid's tape player and some headphones he can use? I admit that I have no concept of how big he is according to age or if this is appropriate for his age group, but it would help in times that he just can't handle the noises around him. I use my MP3 player for exactly that. Or, the hood idea might work as well.. anything to take the sharpness out of the noises. You can also use the music as a means for him to "ignore" what's around him.. give it to him during exams when he doesn't need to respond. That way he can focus on the music and hopefully not be so bothered by what's happening. Even if he's a little too young for this now, it might be a good idea later. Maybe make it something that can never be used at home, only when you're out, so there's no chance of him taking advantage of it and using it to ignore you? |
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