Stupidest Game Weapons

windscar15 · Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 7:04 pm Post subject:

Throwing Knives
Unless you're a ninja you have no business carrying these. They have no range, you can't reload them, and they're only really useful when they kill enemies instantly. I don't give two craps about the stealthiness, you get that with a silenced pistol or for a change, sneaking up on the guy with the knife.
They've even tried boomerang knives which is even worse. First of all, they're physically improbable, the reason why boomerangs work the way the do is because they are made out of a light-weight wood and the shape. Unless the knife is not metal, it won't work. Second, why the hell would you throw a deadly razor-sharp dagger if you knew it would come flying back at you? I know some characters can catch them in mid-air but if you can do that you shouldn't be using boomerang knives.

Flamethrowers
I know what you're gonna say, but windscar, we like setting people and things on fire!
Yeah, but take into account the actual purpose of the flamethrower is kill entrenched enemies, not to use as a primary offensive weapon. The only game where this was useful was Contra where it spewed a constant stream of fire that killed anything. Flamethrowers in games nowadays are slow to reload, only SET ENEMIES ON FIRE NOT KILL THEM INSTANTLY (play Bioshock and you'll see what I mean), and are just plain ridiculous.

Miniguns
I group these together with the flamethrowers, only they're a bit more useful in the regard that they cut down anything with a hail of bullets, but light machine-guns can do the same thing, why don't we see more of them? Simple, the spinning barrels and that whirring sound are sexy to a lot of gamers. An LMG to them is just a rifle with a faster firing-rate and a bigger mag. But seriously people, they MOUNT THEM ON HELICOPTERS FOR A REASON. They don't just need a gazillion bullets, but also an electric motor to spin the barrels, most miniguns manufactured weigh about a ton and can't possibly be carried around everywhere let alone fired. They run out of bullets in three seconds anyway. And with most games, there's never any ammo for them.

Oversized Swords
Seriously, does the size of a sword dictate its power? I don't see any practical application of a sword that's wrapped in bandages (?) and is three times taller than the wielder (you know who I mean). Wouldn't a simple Claymore be just fine? And then there's the uber-long swords that are supposed to be able attack groups of enemies and to kill large targets. Seriously how are you supposed to carry these things around, do you have like a sword caddy or something?
Honorable Mention: Laser Swords
No,no, I love lightsabers, they have about as much uses as a Swiss Army Knife, problem is, is that most games don't let you use them to cut open doors and locks or sever objects in the
environment in half.

Rocket Launchers
Alright, I feel like a heel for saying this, but I really don't see the point of hauling an anti-tank missile launcher everywhere I go expecting a heavily armored foe to pop out of nowhere. Maybe if you could use it like in mercenaries to destroy objects in the environment, and you hold more rockets, then maybe it might be more fun, other than that, its inventory clutter.

Psychic Powers
Okay, I think these can be useful in CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES, but not all the time. Having the ability to smash people into walls, control them like a puppet, or read their minds can be quite entertaining and useful, only it gets old rather quickly and you shouldn't have to stand perfectly still and let out a constipated grunt to use them. Don't tell me that's concentration, cause I can concentrate just fine when I'm walking.

The Game Environment Itself
Yeah I saw the Bourne Movies and I liked it when he did the pen stabby thing, but can we give picking up random stuff and using to beat people up with a rest? Yeah, Dead Rising was cool and the Gravity Gun in Half-life 2 was sweet, but sooner or later I'd rather just whip out a gun and shoot them to save us both the trouble.

The Float Spell
Did Square develop this just to be funny? Its not offensive, minus a lot of points, its not very defensive you're just as vulnerable to magic, minus a lot more points, and it doesn't heal your characters, need I go on?

Automatic Shotguns
Yeah, I know, its really cool to shred enemies to itty-bitty pieces and I saw that last scene in Syphon Filter 2, but if you've seen them in action and the financial state of the companies who developed them, you'll change your mind real soon. They are beyond inaccurate and heavier than most Light Machine-guns.

Nuclear Bombs
We've all wanted one at our command at some point, then after we fell into the painfully obvious idiot-trap in that old Godzilla RTS for the NES, we realized we just ordered our own destruction.

Cars
They run people over real good, but can actually get to where the people are without loosing control or damaging the vehicle at some point?

Oil Slick
With gas prices this high, you should be ashamed to even consider wasting quality Bush-blood to impede the progress of rival racers. Slipping out of control doesn't last long and before you know it, they're back right on your tail. Maybe if you could light the slick on fire... Twisted Evil

Farts
Thank god they're only in a couple of terrible games, but please, farts... Next thing you'll be pissing on enemies and what you know, you can do that in Postal 2, next you'll be like some monkey and you'll trying to kill baddies with a steamy lump of butt-mud.

Any Weapon In That God-awful South Park FPS
A Cow gun? And a fart grenade, which I just thoroughly derided, and to top it all off a snowball with piss in it. Need I go on?