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jacksmum
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:02 pm Post subject: advice needed please |
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my son jack is 12 and has aspergers,
we are half way through the summer holidays, and all jack has done is stay indoors on his computer, i know he would love to have a friend to hang round with but this is just not happening.
if kids call for him he will go out but nobody has called for along time. a boy on our estate has took a dislike to jack calling him a tag along this has stopped all the other boys from playing with jack so not to upset the boy, all the lads on our estate play and hang around together but don`t seem to want my son around.
my husband is always on at jack to get out of the house and make new mates saying its no good for him stuck inside all the time, i understand way my husband feels this way but what can we do we can`t make him make friends and we can`t make the other kids like him.
jack goes to a rugby club which he loves and i`ve told him to ask some of the boys there for there address and see if they want to hang around sometime but he hasn`t, which leads me to belive he hasn`t befriended anyone there either.
this is really upsetting me i don`t know what else to do. |
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picklejah
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 03, 2008
Posts: 42
Location: New England
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:15 pm Post subject: |
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What other types of interest does he have???
Is he good at art?
Math?
Chess?
It's probably hard to sign up for any classes this far into the summer, but that's what I would do for next summer.
Take him to museums, nature walks, out to lunch (have him order and pay for his own lunch so he can get used to it), anything just to get him out and about.
My son is doing a few things this summer, but hasn't seen any of his classmates here in town. They want nothing to do with him. So I still take him to a bunch of places. Just being around other people for a few hours while enjoying something is what I feel is best for my son. There are days when he just wants to stay home and chill out -- and that's OK. He is getting better at telling me how he feels and why.
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The greatest need that any child has is the need for unconditional love. |
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Bunni
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 16, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 321
Location: Pennsylvania, USA
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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My daughter is 14 with AS, and she has never had a friend outside of school.
What you describe is typical teen stuff. It's a very socially demending time for them.
The middle school years are fought by all children, not just Aspies. Social behavior at this age is full of judgements. Kids are far more critical of differences than adults. They often learn to cope by using each other as shields, fitting in to groups even if they don't agree in order to shield themselves of the same judgements. it's very difficult for a child with AS to manage and understand these dynamics. I went through it as well.
You really can't push it nor can you expect your son to just go find mates. It's not so easy. What are his special interests, does he know others who share them. This might be an advantage for him. Does he know how to listen to others talk about what they like or is he focused only on what he likes? If he is primarily egocentric, you might work on conversation skills, roleplying realistic interaction between boys his age, and not as if each were always well-mannered 
There can be lots of different things going on here, and those I mention are only a few.
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Bunni
That which doesn't kill me, makes me stronger, and really pisses me off. |
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jacksmum
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
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yes i understand what you mean jack is with me 24/7 but his it good for a 12 year old boy to spend every wakeing moment with his mum.
also i didn`t mention before but i suffer from m.e/cfs so i can`t always get out myself |
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jacksmum
Emu Egg
Joined: Aug 09, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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| thanks bunni that really made alot of sence |
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donkey
we have met the enemy, he is us.
Joined: May 22, 2006
Age: 37
Posts: 1478
Location: ireland
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| Posted: Sat Aug 09, 2008 5:26 pm Post subject: |
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the worst thing you can do to a kid with AS, especially an adolescent kid with AS is to make him make friends.
it may be normal for you, but it isnt normal for him, and if the kids around the neighbourhood dont want him around then he equally doesnt want to be around them, as AS kids and people are very sensitive to rejection, we get it all our lives.
Dont "normalise" him.
the best approach in my opinion is to send him to groups, activities where making friends comes secondary to the activity, so fro example if he is good at chess, send him to a chess club where he will possibly excell and make friends secondary to the activity.
if you send him to places, groups clubs just to make friends it is likely to be unrewarding for all.
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annie2
Deinonychus
Joined: Sep 18, 2007
Posts: 345
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
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Is he actually worried that he doesn't have friends, or is it just you worrying? If he isn't worried about it, I'd just let him be. I used to try and push my AS son to be social. Now I don't bother as much as it is less stressful. If we have friends over I pretty much let him do his own thing apart from suggesting that he shows someone a computer game . . . or sometimes he'll start playing a sports game with them.
Re the time spent on the computer . . . have you considered restricting this at all? We use computer vouchers with my son. He gets so many minutes as of right, and then earns the rest through doing chores, music practice, homework, and bonus points for thoughtful behaviour. It is good way of making sure he isn't on it all the time, but also getting him doing some other stuff with his day. |
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Jennyfoo
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 06, 2006
Posts: 520
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| Posted: Sun Aug 10, 2008 5:54 am Post subject: |
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My HFA DD is 10 and she really has no inerest in seeing friends outside of school. When she has been invited to slumber parties and things like that, she will get psychosomatic stomach aches or headaches from the anxiety the day she's supposed to go. I was much the same. We don't push her. She has siblings to play with and I am very glad that we adopted her younger siblings so she does have playmates outside of school.
A lot of kids on the spectrum do not get any kind of meaningful happiness with interaction and playing with other kids. As long as your son is happy, that's all I'd worry about. If he is not happy and he truly ANTS to seek friendships, then perhaps you could find a social-skills training class in your area for him to attend. |
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rachel46
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: May 07, 2007
Posts: 185
Location: Midwest US
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 2:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | Is he actually worried that he doesn't have friends, or is it just you worrying? If he isn't worried about it, I'd just let him be. |
Annie2 stole my thought because my 11 yr. old son cannot be made to be social -he can be social on his terms and under the right circumstances. He has had friends, has a really good friend right now that he gets along well with but for him to walk up to another boy (for ex. at church-he attends every Saturday and sees the same kids) and make friends would never happen.
My son would also happily stay indoors 95% of the time- but we make him go out #1 for the vitamin D from the sun (IMHO I think it helps him sleep better (and Lord knows we don't need any more trouble in that department!) and #2 for some physical exercise -we walk our dogs daily and he goes with, we ride bikes and swim. As much as I know he likes to be indoors as long as he is under our care we will make the effort. When he is grown he can make the decision to be indoors.
Just think how hard it really is to be social and make friends - even for NT adults? I know it comes naturally to some, but not to me - I've always struggled and I'm NT so imagine your son with the specialized aspie brain of his being told to "be social, make friends" You might as well tell him to go perform neurosurgery.  |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I love my friends, but i think I'd commit suicide if I had to spend time with them often. |
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