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Sublyme
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 24, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 195
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 Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:38 pm Post subject: I think it might actually be over this time.... |
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I'm beginning to accept that the fiance and I have fundamental differences that simply can't be overcome. He's and NT, and I'm well...not an NT. We've been together for 12 years, pretty much since we were kids (all of his 20's into his 30's and most of my teens and more than half of my 20's)....so we pretty much grew up together.
We constantly have the same fight over and over. I'm always accused of not loving him, not being "into him," even hating him, none of which are true. This argument has been going on for over a decade, and still I just put up with it. I tune it out. I pretend I don't hear it.
I'm always accused of being emotionally distant. He can't read my body language or my facial expressions and I can't read his. Sometimes if my brain is preoccupied reading a book, on the internet, or watching TV, or playing with a screw I found on the floor, I won't hear him if he speaks to me. This infuriates him, and I'm accused of ignoring him. I don't like that I do that either, but it's not something I can just fix.
So were supposed to be having our engagement party in less than a month, and at said party our band is supposed to play. Now this stupid band was his idea. I hadn't picked up a bass guitar in over 10 years and somehow I'm supposed to just remember how to play, like I never put thing thing down. Well I didn't. I had to pretty much re-learn everything. I was playing until my fingertips were bleeding, playing all night without sleeping, and I was able to learn the 15 songs were supposed to play. Well last night at practice I had an "off" day, and he was really hard on me saying I never practice, and I'm not serious about it. I show him the blisters on my hands and the newly formed calluses on my fingertips and he says it doesn't mean anything. And that I'm not taking it seriously because I'm not serious about him. I must hate him, and so on....Back to the same fight.
I'm so sick of hearing about how I'm not into him, and I don't love him. It's anything but true, but it may soon be, if he says it enough, maybe I just won't love him anymore.
So last night as we're falling asleep he suggest that we put an end to the relationship (for the probably millionth time). This time I just said I'm tired of fighting about this and if that's what he wants than I'm fine with it.....I really am so tired of this fight. I bend over backwards for that man, spending close to $1000 on food, beer and toys for him a month. Living out of a duffel bag and driving 500 miles a week so I can spend time with him and I still get accused of not being "into him"and I'm just tired, really tired. He said he still wanted to be friends. So I said that if we end things, we end them. He can't call me, email me, expect me to come over. I live an hour a way so really he has no excuse to ever see me again. I will change my phone number and I may even move to another state. No friendship. It will be like I died. I will just fall off the face of the planet, as far as he's concerned.
So I ended up falling asleep, and before I left this morning I put my ring on his nightstand. |
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Tim_Tex
WP's Resident Simpsons and South Park Aficionado
Joined: Jul 03, 2004
Age: 28
Posts: 22319
Location: San Marcos, Texas
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 1:42 pm Post subject: |
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If you haven't done so already, explain to him how you feel about things.
If possible, try to reach some sort of general compromise regarding whatever issues are involved.
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When you need something, that's a responsibility, that only an adult...of my maturity...Bunnies!!!
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shadowboxer
Blue Jay
Joined: Jun 03, 2008
Age: 46
Posts: 80
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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As far as I can determine from what you've written, It seems to me anyway that the problems are with him, not with you. I don't know what he expects you to do to prove that you're "into him". It seems that the effort that you've made should convince him that you do care about him. Has he ever asked himself why you'd do these things otherwise? It seems like it's about him. A relationship is more that one person doing for the other all the time. There has to be some reciprocity. Have you ever tried to tell him about your ASD? I realize that it's not something that you can just drop into a conversation, but if he were aware of your situation, that might make a difference. I had a girlfriend who accused me of not paying attention to her until I told her I was partially deaf. I explained that if she said something, and I looked at her like I had no idea what she was talking about, or gave an answer that didn't make sense, I was not trying to difficult. Maybe if he knew better, he'd do better.
It seems to me that he regards you more as a trophy or a posession than a person. Just like a new video game or a new car. just something to show the other guys. That line about hoping we can be friends is basically a way for him to get back into a relationship with you when his next significant other gets tired of his crap & kicks him to the curb. You're better then that.
I'm sure that ere is someone who will love you for who you are and accept you unconditionally
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"...A genious with access to unstable chemicals.
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intense
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 10, 2008
Posts: 351
Location: UK
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 3:01 pm Post subject: |
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Speaking as someone who has been in a long term relationship of 12 years I have to agree with shadowboxer he seems to be quite a selfish person, well that’s the impression I get from your description of the way he’s treating you, you really shouldn't have to play the Bass if you don't want to and even if you did want to but you just weren't ready in time he should understand and tell you it’s ok.
It really looks like you’re not being given the consideration you deserve.
The guy seems like quite an attention seeker and insecure with it and unless you act in the way he wants you too he spits the dummy.
Even if you didn't have ASD his behaviour isn't something anyone should have to put up with, have you tried talking to him about the way he is with you? I would personally be wary of telling him about your ASD as he could use it against you by making his problems out to be all your fault. That of course would be utter garbage and an easy get out clause for him.
Although your ASD seems to be a contributing factor it really does look like he is the main problem in your relationship not you.
Whatever transpires from here I wish you all the best, and please remember everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect in a relationship otherwise it’s not worth having.
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Well here I am.......I think! |
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matsuiny2004
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 23, 2008
Posts: 1443
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 6:03 pm Post subject: Re: I think it might actually be over this time.... |
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| Sublyme wrote: | I'm beginning to accept that the fiance and I have fundamental differences that simply can't be overcome. He's and NT, and I'm well...not an NT. We've been together for 12 years, pretty much since we were kids (all of his 20's into his 30's and most of my teens and more than half of my 20's)....so we pretty much grew up together.
We constantly have the same fight over and over. I'm always accused of not loving him, not being "into him," even hating him, none of which are true. This argument has been going on for over a decade, and still I just put up with it. I tune it out. I pretend I don't hear it.
I'm always accused of being emotionally distant. He can't read my body language or my facial expressions and I can't read his. Sometimes if my brain is preoccupied reading a book, on the internet, or watching TV, or playing with a screw I found on the floor, I won't hear him if he speaks to me. This infuriates him, and I'm accused of ignoring him. I don't like that I do that either, but it's not something I can just fix.
So were supposed to be having our engagement party in less than a month, and at said party our band is supposed to play. Now this stupid band was his idea. I hadn't picked up a bass guitar in over 10 years and somehow I'm supposed to just remember how to play, like I never put thing thing down. Well I didn't. I had to pretty much re-learn everything. I was playing until my fingertips were bleeding, playing all night without sleeping, and I was able to learn the 15 songs were supposed to play. Well last night at practice I had an "off" day, and he was really hard on me saying I never practice, and I'm not serious about it. I show him the blisters on my hands and the newly formed calluses on my fingertips and he says it doesn't mean anything. And that I'm not taking it seriously because I'm not serious about him. I must hate him, and so on....Back to the same fight.
I'm so sick of hearing about how I'm not into him, and I don't love him. It's anything but true, but it may soon be, if he says it enough, maybe I just won't love him anymore.
So last night as we're falling asleep he suggest that we put an end to the relationship (for the probably millionth time). This time I just said I'm tired of fighting about this and if that's what he wants than I'm fine with it.....I really am so tired of this fight. I bend over backwards for that man, spending close to $1000 on food, beer and toys for him a month. Living out of a duffel bag and driving 500 miles a week so I can spend time with him and I still get accused of not being "into him"and I'm just tired, really tired. He said he still wanted to be friends. So I said that if we end things, we end them. He can't call me, email me, expect me to come over. I live an hour a way so really he has no excuse to ever see me again. I will change my phone number and I may even move to another state. No friendship. It will be like I died. I will just fall off the face of the planet, as far as he's concerned.
So I ended up falling asleep, and before I left this morning I put my ring on his nightstand. |
If he has a problem with you for not hearing what he said or not having good body language then he is not worth it. He is not accepting you for who you are. If he really wants to seperate then give him what he wants. I know NT's that would not put up with this stuff. A person that is your fiance should at least accept that you are autistic and accept the flaws you have.
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A person that does not think he has problems already has one-Me |
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Sublyme
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 24, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 195
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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I think I tend to put up with it more because I'm not an NT actually. Maybe I feel like I'm lucky to have a boyfriend/fiance in the first place, so I don't set my standards too high. He feels like we can't communicate on some fundamental level.....then he said it's like we're from different planets. I said didn't you know "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" (attempting a joke) and he said "screw Venus hun, your like from Pluto, if your even from this solar system at all." The other night he sais to me "it looks painful for you to look em in the eye when you talk to me." I reminded him I'm like that with everyone, not just him, and he said "well, I'm not everyone."
He already knows I have an ASD. We grew up in the same neighborhood and I was the kid down the block that rode the short bus, or went to a special school. I got picked on a lot, but because he was older and we didn't go to school together he didn't pick on me. One of the things his mother uses against him (and me) is that she refers to me as that "retarded girl" from down the street. Um....I graduated college at 19, I'm clearly not mentally challenged....just a bit socially inept.
Anyway....he doesn't realize that this fight really boils down to me being on the autism spectrum and him not being on it. That lack of a connection he feels is just me being me. I will not pick up on his body language or facial expressions to be able to understand how he feels. Likewise I more often than not am not making the right facial expression, so he thinks I'm angry when I'm not. He doesn't understand why I can't lay on the bed without at least two comforters on top of me, why sometimes I really don't want to be touched, or why sometimes I just can't speak (I grunt and point). Oh...and the meltdowns....those are for a whole other thread....
The thing is though, I know he doesn't really want to separate. He called me tonight like nothing was wrong....then brought up our fight last night. He says he could hear the animosity in my voice and how he's sure that I hate him. Really, why would I put all that effort into a relationship with a man I hate?......that makes no sense. I think he plays that game with me because he thinks that's the only way to get through to me, because I don't pick up on how he's feeling easily.
I just have no idea how to show him that I love him. I don't know the right way to act around him. It's not that I'm not affectionate, but sometimes I can be emotionally distant....that's not really something I can work on....it's just how my brain is hard-wired. |
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intense
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 10, 2008
Posts: 351
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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| Sublyme wrote: | I think I tend to put up with it more because I'm not an NT actually. Maybe I feel like I'm lucky to have a boyfriend/fiance in the first place, so I don't set my standards too high. He feels like we can't communicate on some fundamental level.....then he said it's like we're from different planets. I said didn't you know "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" (attempting a joke) and he said "screw Venus hun, your like from Pluto, if your even from this solar system at all." The other night he sais to me "it looks painful for you to look em in the eye when you talk to me." I reminded him I'm like that with everyone, not just him, and he said "well, I'm not everyone."
He already knows I have an ASD. We grew up in the same neighborhood and I was the kid down the block that rode the short bus, or went to a special school. I got picked on a lot, but because he was older and we didn't go to school together he didn't pick on me. One of the things his mother uses against him (and me) is that she refers to me as that "retarded girl" from down the street. Um....I graduated college at 19, I'm clearly not mentally challenged....just a bit socially inept.
Anyway....he doesn't realize that this fight really boils down to me being on the autism spectrum and him not being on it. That lack of a connection he feels is just me being me. I will not pick up on his body language or facial expressions to be able to understand how he feels. Likewise I more often than not am not making the right facial expression, so he thinks I'm angry when I'm not. He doesn't understand why I can't lay on the bed without at least two comforters on top of me, why sometimes I really don't want to be touched, or why sometimes I just can't speak (I grunt and point). Oh...and the meltdowns....those are for a whole other thread....
The thing is though, I know he doesn't really want to separate. He called me tonight like nothing was wrong....then brought up our fight last night. He says he could hear the animosity in my voice and how he's sure that I hate him. Really, why would I put all that effort into a relationship with a man I hate?......that makes no sense. I think he plays that game with me because he thinks that's the only way to get through to me, because I don't pick up on how he's feeling easily.
I just have no idea how to show him that I love him. I don't know the right way to act around him. It's not that I'm not affectionate, but sometimes I can be emotionally distant....that's not really something I can work on....it's just how my brain is hard-wired. |
If you've told him about your ASD and he understands anything about it at all (which he should do by now) he simply shouldn’t be treating you this way, again saying things like "you hate me" after all the things you do for him looks like emotional blackmail to me. I can't believe your partner shows almost no regard for your ASD whatsoever, it really is him with the problem NOT YOU.
Sadly it seems he's successfully been dismantling your self esteem as you say you’re lucky to have a boyfriend at all! I would suggest it's the other way around I can't imagine many people putting up with his selfish behaviour like you have for very long.
My NT partner would never treat me the way your boyfriend does I'm not saying things are perfect but at least she understands and accepts why I am the way I am, like you I don't feel comfortable being touched I am better if I initiate a hug but it's still not easy the way I get around the lack of physical contact and show her I love her is through verbal communication, I tell her what she means to me and how special she is every day, I know this isn't perfect but at least she knows how I feel have you tried this with your boyfriend? I honestly believe that if he doesn't have more regard for your ASD he is not the partner for you, you cannot help being this way but he can help the way he treats you.
If he has you believing that it's all your fault in the relationship then alarm bells should start ringing IMO.
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gsilver
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 21, 2006
Posts: 533
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 8:36 am Post subject: |
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Your situation sounds remarkably similar to my sister's (at least on the surface level non-weird fundamental problem side... the problems in my sister's relationship go far, far deeper)
It always tares me up when I hear stories about him attacking her character and commitment, all the while acting like she's really lucky to have anyone at all (and the guy is morbidly obese/doesn't work/doesn't leave the house).
As an outsider, the whole relationship just seems so totally and utterly wrong, and it baffles me even more how they've stayed together for so long when the relationship is so hostile. It may also have to do with the fact that this was her first (and your relationship also sounds like your first), making it difficult to leave, even when there are obvious incompatibilities and irreconcilable conflicts.
I also have to question the fact that you spend over $1000 a month for things for him. That's about as high if not more than my entire food/entertainment budget, and I make a fair amount. |
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Sublyme
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 24, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 195
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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I was looking at my bank account and discovered all that beer, takeout food, groceries, DVD's, video games and whatnot really adds up...I was amazed to find that last month it added up to over $1000....as did the month before. I had estimated food/entertainment to be around $500, and I can't say it's all just for him. I might have a beer here or there, and about a thrid of the takeout food is for me, and I watch the movies, and sometimes play his video games.....but really I wouldn't buy beer, takeout food, movies, video games, etc if it wasn't for him. I do make decent money so the expense isn't that big od a deal, and sometimes he realizes it (usually when I complain enough) he will give me some money....
As far as my ASD is concerned, he doesn't know much about it......I think he views many of my autistic traits as character flaws, and the others he just thinks are little quirks. He knows I was diagnosed with autism as a child, but he doesn't' understand it's something I didn't grow out of....just made accommodations along the way.....considering autism is genetic we do have a potential of having an autistic child.....if that happens he'll need a much better understanding of autism.
Really when we aren't having that fight our relationship isn't bad. We get along well. He makes me laugh, and it's not like he's constantly attacking my character......really the only fight we have is over how much I supposedly don't love him. Sure I've tried telling him what he means to me, and reassuring him he's special and whatnot.....when I do that he rolls his eyes and says "yeah right." He does this because supposedly I have no emotion behind my voice when I say those things.....again...another autistic trait being view as a character flaw. I used to pride myself for being able to act totally NT when I needed to (this comes at a price though), only he can see right through my facade, and I get accused of being phony or fake....this used to drive me crazy because deep down I knew I was pretending and being exactly what he accused me of.
I'm going to tell him that he's being incredibly selfish in insecure and that if he can't see that I really do love him this relationship isn't going to work. |
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intense
Deinonychus
Joined: Jul 10, 2008
Posts: 351
Location: UK
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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I know you're only able to just scratch the surface about your relationship and what it is really like on a forum but from what you've said it looks to me like a lot of your troubles are down to good old fashioned non communication. I think the best thing you could do is ask him if he is willing to learn about your ASD and it's implications for your relationship, is he an understanding kind of guy? If he's not willing to do some research to help himself better understand you and your ASD then I would take that as a sign he is not really as committed to you as he should be.
Is he easy to talk to? Do you think you could talk to him about yourself and your problems specifically ASD? Something that I'm certain would help him a lot would be to get an appointment to see an ASD specialist and take him along, they should be able to tell him in no uncertain terms that the reason you sometimes appear cold or distant to him is simply due to your ASD.
He should be more than willing to do this for the woman he loves, after all he needs to understand you the better than anyone if you are planning to have kids and spend the rest of you're lives together.
I really hope you can work it out, if he really is a good guy he really should be more than willing to learn about your ASD and try as hard as he can to accommodate all your little quirks.
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Well here I am.......I think! |
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Sublyme
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 24, 2008
Age: 27
Posts: 195
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| Posted: Thu Aug 14, 2008 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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We don't often discuss my ASD. I don't even know what to refer to it as myself. I was diagnosed at the age of tree with classic autism, and it was believed that I was on the low functioning end at the time. However as I got older I eventually became verbal, and was able to be mainstreamed in high school (attempt in the sixth grade failed). I guess I'd be considered PPD-NOS, or maybe just HFA. I don't have the desire to actually know.
I'm kind of hesitant to sit down and talk to him about it because I know how he reacted when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He refuses to believe I have bipolar disorder, and says I'm just a brat....despite a few hospitalizations and response to medication (which I don't currently take). I think he'll say the same thing about my ASD.....I can hear him already "you just need to grow up, and stop ripping your hair out and banging your head on things when you're mad." Plus me not even knowing what to call it makes it even more difficult for him to accept......
He knows I'm different. That's one of the reasons he liked me in the first place. I say what I think, I don't sugar coat anything. Supposedly I was not like anyone he'd ever met before. I know he accepts me for who I am, but he can't get past that I may not always be affectionate, will sometimes be distant or seem to be in my own world.....and he takes it as a sign that I'm not in love with him and never was........
I don't want to end the relationship, but I don't think it will work if he can't just accept that I love him, although I might not show it in a way he is expecting me to. |
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