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nupkin
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: London
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 Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:32 am Post subject: Does "not fitting in" really get to you? |
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"They say there is no such thing as normal, but there is such a thing as downright abnormal, and you are it."
When I was at school I did not fit in but I believed, rather haughtily, that this was because of my superior intelligence. When I went to university I assumed I would have no trouble fitting in because everyone else was in the same intellectual boat as I.
However, not only did I not fit in, with my inappropriate bluntness, naivete and coarse loud voice, but in fact I developed an inferiority complex. When I wasn't invited to parties, and I could only make friends with a few select people but not fit in to a social group as a whole, I thought people shunned me because I was unrefined and downright embarrassing to be around.
This occurred everywhere I went subsequently, where I would befriend people who had the time and patience for me, but their friends found me immature or even simply vile. This happened with the people who I studied my subject with at uni, the choirs I joined, the folks I lived with on my gap year, and my colleagues at the current work place.
Several times my workmates have all gone to lunch together and not invited me, and indeed recently there was a wedding where practically everyone in my year group was invited except me. It's not as if I don't try; I go out of my way to say hello and chat to people when I see them around, but in the grand scheme of things, I am never going to be able to latch on to their group "banter".
I think it's a vicious cycle. The more I feel people have an averison to my eccentric and inappropriate habits, the more I alienate myself from them, hurt and sometimes even bitter that I can't just be like them. But I seem to be a square peg in a round hole everywhere I go and I'm worried that eventually I'm going to tar all the "normal" people with the same brush, even though my very best friends are neurotypicals, and some of them very straight-laced.
Does anyone else ever feel a heated resentment to the world as a whole, or am I just insecure and hard-done-by? |
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ChristinaCSB
Toucan
Joined: Jul 23, 2007
Age: 23
Posts: 263
Location: Lakewood, Ohio
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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It sure did when I was a teenager but now I could care less, I'm 23.  |
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UndercoverAlien
to fast to alien
Joined: Aug 11, 2008
Posts: 1072
Location: please tell me
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:38 am Post subject: |
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| be happy to atleast be so smart |
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nupkin
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:43 am Post subject: |
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| UndercoverAlien wrote: | | be happy to atleast be so smart |
Yeah you're right...I am often very ungrateful about what I DO have, as I let the social skills that I DON'T have matter more. I can be very negative and neurotic at the best of times. |
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rushfanatic
Velociraptor
Joined: Jan 11, 2006
Age: 41
Posts: 460
Location: Lovely Ohio
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:44 am Post subject: not fitting in...... |
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| Oh, yes, my dear, I also have felt like the square peg wherever I have been through my whole life...Even my sister, 1 year older , has not invited me to her several-times-a-year parties, even though other family members were included..An upcoming pig roast is coming up next weekend,and alas, I got an invitation..but now I am petrified as to how I should act, and how many times I will be shunned by her in-laws, her friends,etc.. It's as if I want to be included, but as soon as I am , I think to myself,"I am not worthy enough for their company".....She is so open and haughty, with a wicked sense of humor, and I am a simple wallflower.We look alike, but we are world's apart..I understand how you feel,dear..Which is worse, to be ignored or to be mocked, both hurt to the bone...... |
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Liopleurodon
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 211
Location: The Tethys Sea
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:44 am Post subject: |
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I can identify with what you're saying, particularly the being left out. That happened a lot as a teenager - I sort of had a group of friends but I've realised that I was tagging along on the outside of the group and most of them weren't very keen on me. I was divided between being really upset about not being invited to their parties (because I wondered what was wrong with me) and being kinda relieved (because I've never liked parties anyway).
I'm not all that conscious that I don't fit in, most of the time. I'm sort of oblivious. When I'm out with my girlfriend she'll sometimes point out that I've just done something that came across as very odd to other people, but unless she mentions it I usually don't realise I'm being odd.
One of the horrible, horrible lies that we get told as kids is that if we work hard and pass our exams, life will be easy. It came as a shock to be that, despite being academically exceptional, I didn't have a lot of skills to deal with the rest of life, and was going to be overtaken in the workplace by people with much lower IQs. On a good day, I don't resent the world, but I'd be lying if I said that I always feel that way. Sometimes I don't want to get out there again and have to figure out all those things that come easily to other people.
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Do I look like a freaking people person? |
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nupkin
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:47 am Post subject: |
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| Hehe, what you said about your girlfriend pointing things out made me laugh! My boyfriend is constantly correcting me too, whether it's the posture, the talking too loud, the singing without realising I'm doing it, the taking jokes too far especially! Thanks for your thoughts. |
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Kirska
Toucan
Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 257
Location: Dallas, TX
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:54 am Post subject: |
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I whole heartedly agree.
In high school I simply wasn't "cool" enough for the popular kids. I actually dated the student body president but never got along with any of his friends. The nerds pursued friendships with me though since I was sort of the link between the geeks and the popular kids through him.
In college I'd really feel like I was getting to know people and be friends with them, but then they'd go on road trips and such and not invite me.
I constantly felt left out, but I didn't know how to approach them and talk about it, so I just sort of retreated back into my shell. It only got worse with time. There was a group of 3-4 people that I really felt close to. I considered them my best friends, but apparently the feeling wasn't mutual. They started going on trips without even asking me if I'm interested. In fact they're whitewater rafting right now without me.
I have never quite understood what it was about me that made people not invite me to ventures. It's a constant frustration.
It's what's led me to attach to one single "best" friend my entire life. Thankfully my husband is forever stuck in that role now  I'm apparently no good at maintaining a "group" of friends, but I have slightly obsessive nature so I'm able to maintain a good friendship with a single person at a time because they're the person I turn to for advice and such.
| Quote: | | Does anyone else ever feel a heated resentment to the world as a whole, or am I just insecure and hard-done-by? |
Definitely... I couldn't agree more.
Last edited by Kirska on Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:55 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Liopleurodon
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 17, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 211
Location: The Tethys Sea
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:54 am Post subject: |
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Just the other day: big cheese from my organisation came to see our dear little lowly project. He came in through the door, greeted us, and held out his hand for me to shake. I shook it and, without thinking, exclaimed "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ENORMOUS HANDS!" Everyone in the room looked utterly dumbfounded. Eventually my manager jumped in and said "It's okay. You get used to her... eventually."
I relayed this story to the girlfriend later and she almost wet herself laughing and then advised me to avoid commenting on any body parts relating to people high up in the work hierarchy.
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Do I look like a freaking people person? |
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Kirska
Toucan
Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Age: 22
Posts: 257
Location: Dallas, TX
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:56 am Post subject: |
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| Liopleurodon wrote: | Just the other day: big cheese from my organisation came to see our dear little lowly project. He came in through the door, greeted us, and held out his hand for me to shake. I shook it and, without thinking, exclaimed "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ENORMOUS HANDS!" Everyone in the room looked utterly dumbfounded. Eventually my manager jumped in and said "It's okay. You get used to her... eventually."
I relayed this story to the girlfriend later and she almost wet herself laughing and then advised me to avoid commenting on any body parts relating to people high up in the work hierarchy. |
This made me giggle |
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serenity
Phoenix
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Joined: Feb 26, 2007
Posts: 728
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 10:58 am Post subject: Re: not fitting in...... |
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| rushfanatic wrote: | | Oh, yes, my dear, I also have felt like the square peg wherever I have been through my whole life...Even my sister, 1 year older , has not invited me to her several-times-a-year parties, even though other family members were included..An upcoming pig roast is coming up next weekend,and alas, I got an invitation..but now I am petrified as to how I should act, and how many times I will be shunned by her in-laws, her friends,etc.. It's as if I want to be included, but as soon as I am , I think to myself,"I am not worthy enough for their company".....She is so open and haughty, with a wicked sense of humor, and I am a simple wallflower.We look alike, but we are world's apart..I understand how you feel,dear..Which is worse, to be ignored or to be mocked, both hurt to the bone...... |
Yeah, that's how I always feel, too. On the rare occasion that I actually am included I get anxious. I have no idea what to wear, say, or do. I pretty much wanna leave about as soon as I get there, and I remember why it is that I don't care for parties. Sometimes, all it takes is a moment of inclusion for me to remember that it's not so great to be included in the first place. |
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nupkin
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Posts: 10
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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[quote="Liopleurodon"] "OH MY GOD YOU HAVE ENORMOUS HANDS!" quote]
Well when I went up to Newcastle on business the other day, when I was interoduced to the head accountant I said, "Ooh, you're from Newcastle. I'm your fellow Northerner!" He looked disgruntled to say the least. |
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Cheerlessleader
Serial Thread Killer
Joined: Mar 07, 2007
Posts: 1826
Location: Adelaide
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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I don't care about fitting in. I just wish the people who don't like me would just leave me alone.
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Autism Speaks: We can haz ur moneyz, Y/Y? |
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tomboy4good
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Posts: 628
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:16 am Post subject: |
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Well I have always been a misfit...never belonged to the cool "in" crowd (for so many reasons), & also not smart enough to hang with the "geeks." People & even friends always thought I was really intellectually inferior. In high school, I ended up hanging with out with a few other misfits. The only time it still hurts is when I get ignored, put down, or left out. For the most part, I have learned to do my own thing.
For example, I was recently invited to a co-worker's son's birthday party. I know socializing is not a strong point, so I grabbed my camera & started shooting! That's when I am truly in my element!
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You can't change your genes, but you can learn to wear them better!
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UnusualSuspect
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 18, 2008
Age: 70
Posts: 45
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| Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:21 am Post subject: |
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| I don't think I've ever fit in, and when I was old enough to think about it, I just assumed that it was my intelligence that set me off. Later, even though I knew there were differences that had nothing to do with intelligence, I had no idea what the problem was. With Asperger's, all the missing pieces of my puzzle finally fell into place. I never really resented other people for leaving me out of things, but maybe that's because I'm an introvert and am usually perfectly happy being by myself. I didn't try very often to be part of a group, but when I did, I was a complete failure and never understood why. |
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