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funnyflower
Emu Egg
Joined: May 30, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 2
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 Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: 16 yr old son wants girlfriend |
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| Ok. This is a tough one. It's hard enough for typical teens who want relationships with the opposite sex but my son is really feeling bummed out. He develops a crush on practically every girl he comes in contact with. He doesn't have much social opportunities to meet other autistic teens & I think that is part of the issue. Anyone have ideas? |
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Gifted-Monster
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 13, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 211
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 3:27 pm Post subject: |
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Could always check the school records for Aspies.
Or hold a speed-dating thing for aspies, or just a social gathering and advertise it a month in advance.
Aside from that...*ponders* does he know how painful love can be?
Also, does he want a girlfriend so he can be normal or because he feels like a part of him is missing? This is a clincher, IMO.
You could always hold a parents club for Aspie children and arrange stuff via that route.
A girlfriend is always nice to have, definitely. But an Aspie girlfriend would be better for the simple reason she would understand him better and be able to empathise easier.
Regards
GM
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"We will not capitulate - no, never! We may be destroyed, but if we are, we shall drag a world with us - a world in flames."
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DW_a_mom
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 1251
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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If he's developing crushes on so many different girls maybe it's more hormonal than anything. I do think it would be good to get him to talk about his concept of what having a girlfriend would be like. Once you understand his expectations, you will be in a stronger position to help him.
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 4860
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: |
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| DW_a_mom wrote: | | If he's developing crushes on so many different girls maybe it's more hormonal than anything. I do think it would be good to get him to talk about his concept of what having a girlfriend would be like. Once you understand his expectations, you will be in a stronger position to help him. |
Well, with ME that happened around 13. Maybe luckily, I haven't ever comprimised THERE. That meant I had little chance at getting anyone. At this point, all the people I would have thought about are already married. |
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pbcoll
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 15, 2007
Posts: 1799
Location: England
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: Re: 16 yr old son wants girlfriend |
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| funnyflower wrote: | | Ok. This is a tough one. It's hard enough for typical teens who want relationships with the opposite sex but my son is really feeling bummed out. He develops a crush on practically every girl he comes in contact with. He doesn't have much social opportunities to meet other autistic teens & I think that is part of the issue. Anyone have ideas? |
At least on WP, a disproportionate fraction of the girls are asexual, lesbians or have a low interest in dating, and there seem to be more male aspies than female ones, so socialising with other autistic teens might not help him that much on that specific front. Perhaps NT girls that are more the nurturing type might be a good idea, but he might not know any his age.
| DW_a_mom wrote: | | If he's developing crushes on so many different girls maybe it's more hormonal than anything. I do think it would be good to get him to talk about his concept of what having a girlfriend would be like. Once you understand his expectations, you will be in a stronger position to help him. |
Good point. It's difficult to say anything without knowing more about what he's looking for and what he expects. Best of luck.
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I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka) |
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2ukenkerl
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 20, 2007
Posts: 4860
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: Re: 16 yr old son wants girlfriend |
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| pbcoll wrote: | | funnyflower wrote: | | Ok. This is a tough one. It's hard enough for typical teens who want relationships with the opposite sex but my son is really feeling bummed out. He develops a crush on practically every girl he comes in contact with. He doesn't have much social opportunities to meet other autistic teens & I think that is part of the issue. Anyone have ideas? |
At least on WP, a disproportionate fraction of the girls are asexual, lesbians or have a low interest in dating, and there seem to be more male aspies than female ones, so socialising with other autistic teens might not help him that much on that specific front. Perhaps NT girls that are more the nurturing type might be a good idea, but he might not know any his age.
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It IS possible that even having a nice female friend could help him out, even if she has NO interest in him sexually! One would hope that he wouldn't have a strong need to act on such feelings anyway. HECK, it might even help HER out! |
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pbcoll
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 15, 2007
Posts: 1799
Location: England
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| Posted: Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: Re: 16 yr old son wants girlfriend |
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| 2ukenkerl wrote: | | pbcoll wrote: | | funnyflower wrote: | | Ok. This is a tough one. It's hard enough for typical teens who want relationships with the opposite sex but my son is really feeling bummed out. He develops a crush on practically every girl he comes in contact with. He doesn't have much social opportunities to meet other autistic teens & I think that is part of the issue. Anyone have ideas? |
At least on WP, a disproportionate fraction of the girls are asexual, lesbians or have a low interest in dating, and there seem to be more male aspies than female ones, so socialising with other autistic teens might not help him that much on that specific front. Perhaps NT girls that are more the nurturing type might be a good idea, but he might not know any his age.
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It IS possible that even having a nice female friend could help him out, even if she has NO interest in him sexually! One would hope that he wouldn't have a strong need to act on such feelings anyway. HECK, it might even help HER out! |
I don't know how he's doing on the friendship front, if he's OK on that then meeting nice girls with no dating interest in him at all, while not bad, isn't going to help him much either; if he is having problems on both fronts, then meeting nice people of either sex could be a very helpful thing.
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I neither take revenge, nor beg for favours. (Rabindranath Tagore)
I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka) |
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funnyflower
Emu Egg
Joined: May 30, 2008
Age: 36
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Sat Aug 23, 2008 6:20 pm Post subject: Food for thought |
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| Thanks for all the input. It has given me a lot to think of in terms of how I can assist my son. It's been difficult to watch how he has either outgrown or fallen behind friends socially. He is in an awkward space right now as are most teens but it is painful to know just how much more challenging friend-making & keeping is for him. |
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Aspie1
Overman
Joined: Mar 08, 2005
Posts: 2515
Location: United States
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| Posted: Sun Aug 24, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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I think you should find out why exactly your son wants a girlfriend. The best way is to just ask him, although knowing that some things just aren't normally shared with parents, he might give you a "right" answer (read: the one he thinks will be most acceptable to you). Anyway, there are different motives in why he would want a girlfriend. Does he want the love that comes from a romantic relationship? Does he want one because some of his classmates already have a girlfriend? Does he want to be able to go places with a romantic partner? Or does he simply want someone to make out with (blunt, but possible)? No matter what's the motive, there's nothing wrong with it.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do to help. After all, you can't conjure romantic feelings in a girl you think might be right for your son. However, take him to a book store, and let him pick out books on how to pick up women. (It might sound chauvinistic to you, but that's what might help your son.) I recommend just giving him the money, so he can buy the books himself, since he might be embarrassed to show you the title.
There are plenty of online resources as well, although some are on the pricey side ($79 for a 120-page e-book), although many of their websites have free e-mail newsletters as well. Encourage your son to sign up for one of those. (Just say that a third party recommended it, so it won't feel weird with you telling him about it.) Please keep in mind that they're mostly meant for older men, although your son might them useful too. |
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zeichner
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 11, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 145
Location: Minneapolis, MN
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| Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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First of all - Good for him!!!
Secondly - he should be prepared to get his heart broken, and realize that it is a part of growing up.
Thirdly - there are some skills he should master that will not only help him meet girls, but will help him the rest of his life: (1) Grooming (2) Eye contact (3) Smiling when appropriate.
There are some nice girls (whether NT or Aspie) who can see past the superficial & might enjoy your son's company. My guess is they are the ones who read books - the library might be a good place to start. Asking to sit at someone's library table is a good opening. Then take it slow - don't try to start a conversation the first day - just get used to being near the girl he fancies.
If your son is anything like I was at that age, knowing how quickly to progress is going to be the real stumbling block. Girls get creeped-out if you tell them you are in love with them on the first date (or before the first date!) Slower is better.
And lastly - Good for him!!! |
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ster
Phoenix
Joined: Sep 24, 2005
Posts: 2398
Location: new england
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| Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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| you know, I'm NT & I married an aspie........ |
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