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Aspie94
Raven
Joined: Nov 19, 2006
Posts: 104
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 Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:40 am Post subject: What's the scoop on why eye contact is hard? Just curious. |
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My hub, myself and son went to Open House for high school last night. Son tends to keep his head kind of down when there are a lot of people around, although many were very friendly and said "hi" to him and he said "hi" back and spoke to the teachers. He doesn't really act shy anymore, in fact he sometimes talks too much...lol. But when he does talk, he tends to look down or out of the corner of his eye and one eye tends to twitch (nervous twitch?). Now the few kids he's really close to, his face just lit up and he ran to talk to them. This is a BIG improvement over three years ago, by the way.
I wondered why my son has trouble making eye contact. Is it a big deal? Should I remind him to do it or leave him alone? I don't want to be a nag about something like that, especially when he's doing so well overall. Aspies? Can you help a mom who wants to do the right thing? And can you please explain why he has trouble with eye contact? Thanks! |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 11:49 am Post subject: |
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i would have no idea how to explain. don't force him doing that, though. it's very uncomfortable. i look at people's lips instead. that way it's almost eyes and people don't notice. or they don't tell me? although, then you always notice who doesn't brush his/her teeth and that's not nice to see 
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cnonamei
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 29, 2008
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:07 pm Post subject: |
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| I have problems looking people in the eyes, too. Sometimes even with my own family members. But sometimes if I am excited about what I am talking to somebody about, I probably stare into their eyes too much. Like intensely..I don't know... |
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cnonamei
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Jul 29, 2008
Posts: 28
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:09 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh yeah, and I stare at the ground when there is a lot of people around talking. |
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PilotPirx
Deinonychus
Joined: May 09, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 300
Location: Amsterdam, NL
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:14 pm Post subject: |
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I've never learned it. It feels strange, I wouldn't say uncomfortable, but really can't say what exactly. Just strange somehow. Don't force him.
But try to explain to him, that people normally do it (eg like shaking hands). Try to teach him the rules (And find out, that you most likely don't know yourself, how to put it it words, but there are some "tutorials" online about that). Make a game of it once in a while, maybe that would help.
It's definitely a disadvantage in later life, since some people have strange ideas about people not using eye contact (not hones, not telling the truth, shy...) and it's the main key to flirting!
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Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before (E.A.Poe)
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:22 pm Post subject: |
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eye contact is scary.
Even now that I can it, don't ask me to look someone in the eye when the conversation is about something uncomfortable, nervous or something that requires thought/concentration - then i go back to the lips |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:25 pm Post subject: |
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i was trying to find an explanation, but the closest i could think of was this paranormal experience with my own eyes, lol. i tried to stare into my own eyes in mirror, been really focused and after a while got this strange almost panicky scary feeling like there was something behind them. lol now i look weird even here.
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Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:32 pm Post subject: |
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| tomamil wrote: | | i was trying to find an explanation, but the closest i could think of was this paranormal experience with my own eyes, lol. i tried to stare into my own eyes in mirror, been really focused and after a while got this strange almost panicky scary feeling like there was something behind them. lol now i look weird even here. |
I think part of the reason I used to find it so scary was because the only time anyone ever let me know I should look them in the eye is when they were yelling at me. So when someone met my eye, or asked me to, it seemed like they just wanted to chastise me.
It was even worse when they were smiling at the same time they wanted me to look me in the eye. I don't know why - maybe it indicated they were having fun punishing me |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Triangular_Trees wrote: |
I think part of the reason I used to find it so scary was because the only time anyone ever let me know I should look them in the eye is when they were yelling at me. So when someone met my eye, or asked me to, it seemed like they just wanted to chastise me.
It was even worse when they were smiling at the same time they wanted me to look me in the eye. I don't know why - maybe it indicated they were having fun punishing me |
thats like the question about chicken and egg. and you people scare me here talking about it in past tense. it means it got better in your cases? i am the same in this one.
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Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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Triangular_Trees
What is right is sometimes found on the left.
Joined: Jul 18, 2007
Posts: 2053
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 12:52 pm Post subject: |
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| tomamil wrote: | | Triangular_Trees wrote: |
I think part of the reason I used to find it so scary was because the only time anyone ever let me know I should look them in the eye is when they were yelling at me. So when someone met my eye, or asked me to, it seemed like they just wanted to chastise me.
It was even worse when they were smiling at the same time they wanted me to look me in the eye. I don't know why - maybe it indicated they were having fun punishing me |
thats like the question about chicken and egg. and you people scare me here talking about it in past tense. it means it got better in your cases? i am the same in this one. |
Well it got better once I began reading about aspergers and discovered it was something that was supposed to be done in normal conversations. But it did take a bit of work. My first results ended in "Why are you staring at me?" Then I was told to flick my eyes up and to the right, but as soon as I did that, I'd be asked "What are you looking at?" But with the help of an older fellow aspie, I eventually got it down |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:05 pm Post subject: |
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| Triangular_Trees wrote: | | tomamil wrote: | | Triangular_Trees wrote: |
I think part of the reason I used to find it so scary was because the only time anyone ever let me know I should look them in the eye is when they were yelling at me. So when someone met my eye, or asked me to, it seemed like they just wanted to chastise me.
It was even worse when they were smiling at the same time they wanted me to look me in the eye. I don't know why - maybe it indicated they were having fun punishing me |
thats like the question about chicken and egg. and you people scare me here talking about it in past tense. it means it got better in your cases? i am the same in this one. |
Well it got better once I began reading about aspergers and discovered it was something that was supposed to be done in normal conversations. But it did take a bit of work. My first results ended in "Why are you staring at me?" Then I was told to flick my eyes up and to the right, but as soon as I did that, I'd be asked "What are you looking at?" But with the help of an older fellow aspie, I eventually got it down |
my goodness, how could you manage looking in someones eyes up to the point that they asked you not to stare? i can do that for few seconds only.
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Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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CockneyRebel
Sid The Love Rat is a Sweet Pea :O)
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 34
Posts: 21088
Location: Out in the evening, with me two best Rat Mates :O)
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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The reason that I find it hard to give continuous eye-contact is because, I don't have the attention span to do so. No matter how hard I try to look people in the eyes, I can only do it for 20 seconds, because I'm more interested in the visual world around me.
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Sid The Rat is everything that I stand for. We're both large, proud Punkers with Cockney accents. We both have the same issues, as well. I don't see anything wrong, with that. I was put on this planet, to make myself happy. Sid :O) |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 1:58 pm Post subject: |
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| CockneyRebel wrote: | | The reason that I find it hard to give continuous eye-contact is because, I don't have the attention span to do so. No matter how hard I try to look people in the eyes, I can only do it for 20 seconds, because I'm more interested in the visual world around me. |
that makes sense. but doesnt it scare you? dont you feel also strange? when looking in someones eyes?
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Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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rifler39
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Mar 17, 2008
Age: 69
Posts: 198
Location: Moses Lake, WA
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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Some of us can overcome it and others can't/won't It depends on how much it bothers you to look into someone's eyes and how determined you are to overcome it.
http://aspergers.ning.com/profiles/blog/show?id=1870035%3ABlogPost%3A1542
I have the problem, now, of looking too intently into a person's eyes. I've been told it is intimidating.  Soooo, I have had to un-learn some of my technique. 
Practice is not the key. Determination and practice is. Make sure you (your son) work on your facial expression(s) at the same time. For some reason, NTs are more disturbed by a person looking intently while having a neutral expression, than they are by somepne with an angry, disturbed, happy, uncertain, etc. expression.
Looking down, at ears, at lips, over their shoulder and such is usually disturbing to NTs only if there is no facial expression. NT are so dependant on facial and body language that they get upset if they don't get these clues on how to respond. It seems to me that most NTs don't have the self-awareness and self- confidence to be totally themselves and we are expected to help them out.
Pops
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Erminea
'simplex sigillum veri'
Joined: Jul 18, 2008
Age: 38
Posts: 1268
Location: Bergen op Zoom, Holland
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| Posted: Wed Aug 27, 2008 3:19 pm Post subject: What's the scoop on why eye contact is hard? Just curious. |
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Hi there,
Eye contact? mmmm.
Autist and Asperger's are detail-watchers and less so bigger-picture-viewers. Maybe this has something to do with the poor eye contact we sometimes make. I have a strong tendency to look into s/o's right eye and all I see is only that eye and not the other one, the hairdo, the mouth or anything else.
It also depends on who I have in front of me but I cannot really explain how that works. Trust and self-esteem, I quess.
Surely self-esteem has something to do with it. When I feel good and my self-confidence is OK, I quess I do alright.
On this flow it also has to do with the self-awareness and that is higher, I quess when I feel insecure. Those moments I'm also looking through the eyes of the other towards myself. Through a critical lens and making myself even more insecure.
On the other hand, when I'm angry with someone or in general, I often noted that I don't have any problem with eye contact and mostly the other person can't handle my eyes and they look away. This is true.
Maybe good advice then is to learn your son to be more assertive and to stand up for himself.
I hear a fighting sport is good to gain some confidence. Simply knowing you can kick someone butt could maybe do the trick. It also probably will keep the bullies a bit away. For me it is too late to do such a thing, but your son is young and I'm sure, if he wishes as well of course, he will benefit from it. Triplewise; the exercise, the social skill training and the assertiveness.
Best of luck to you and your family,
Ceesjan
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