trauma

Loborojo · Posted: Thu Aug 28, 2008 3:15 pm Post subject:

I am sure that traumas in our childhood have contributed to our Asperger personalities. My biggest trauma was the sex issue. Hence it plays an important role in my art ever since.

At 5 I knew I liked boys more than girls.

By 10 I withdrew much in myself playing secret games in my room with myself, body discovery, getting naked and paint myself in front of the mirror, to be an American Indian. By that age my father had begun to beat the sh** out of my mother and my brother and had starting to abuse my eldest sister.

I had found out at age 7 and told my mum innocently what I had seen.

That's also where obsession started, measuring my genitals. I slept with my 4 year old brother in the same bed, he was a bully most of the time, told me to sleep when he red comics next to me. We slept together till he went to the army.

At 12 I discovered masturbation because of the porn mags I found under the matress. At that time we at school had debates with peers of 'how do you do it?" Some of my peers said it was done from the back, others believed it was from the front. But when I found that porn mag, I saw everythin in detail and close-ups and it opened up Pandora's box to me and a lot more. I became ever so obsessive, but I though I had the key to sexuality and should bring that magzine to school and show a few friends.

You can imagine hwo 3 boys were seen browsing through a magzine somehere smack on the grassin the middle of a pavillion. The studymaster had seen us and we were all called to see the principal behind closed doors.

In short, the 2 others got of the hook and I was interrogated liek a criminal, my father was called fo the next day and was threatende that they'd call the cops on me. It was an outright humiliation for ma and my dad. He was an ex amateur boxer and knew how to beat the hell out of us, I thought my end was near. but dad didn't do anything only said I should ask them about it or read a good book. Anyway, that surprisd me, because often we had asked information as ans apsie I did in every opportunity, I bored the hell out them with my questions.

the next thing was that I was isngle dout for a entire year by peers at school and called me the sex maniac. I wanted to leave school, but my dad said 'no' , he said you're not at school for friends but to study.

I went for my asthma to another school the year after. It was a sanatoriumwhere for 3 months parentel visits were prohibited, it was spartan and I became lonely and bullied by many. But gradually that sanatorium and the few friends I had replaced my home I longed for and ever since I came back home I detested my home.

Sex became my obsession in all sorts of ways, that was my trauma and I cold not talk about it with anyone. I already was a different boy adn now the fact I knew I loved boys was only aggravating it.

what was your trauma?
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