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Mutanatia
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 370
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 Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:10 pm Post subject: I don't want to be here (Not suicidal) (Meltdown writing) 2 |
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I really don't want to be at home, and I really don't want to be at school
At home, all they see me doing when talking about my failures at school is "constant complaining," and they all walk away from me. They don't care that I'm in an inordinate amount of pain, mainly because I have to go back to school (A place I've coined as "The house of many regrets"). I clearly don't belong here, because every time I even THINK of talking about my problems, it becomes "here we go again."
At school, all I run into are a-holes. I see people use and abuse me, and by the time I figure it out, it is too late. I get badly mistreated by people, starting from my first roomy, going to my last ex. That's not fair to me. Surely, there must be some sort of way to actually ENJOY college? I haven't found a way, not for three miserable years. And the only time I've been happy is when I have had a g/f...and they always turn out to be (NOTE: I am not saying for ALL women, just these two women in particular)f full of lies, ready to hurt me, and not caring about what I want and how I actually am looking for someone who actually loves me, not some gal who I can bed in one day (in the case of one ex) and then forget about them, nor someone who leads me on (in the case of the other one)/
I know there has to be something better for me, but I have yet to see it. For this year in college, I actually want to be ALONE. Why? Because this way, it completely and totally minimizes the chance of my getting hurt. I have often cried about my problems in college, and no one listens. I have tried talking to them about my problems and they all go "You only feel that way because that's how you're looking at it." WELL, HOW THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT IT! It's a horrible, horrible career I've had a college.
My current "fantasy," if you will, is to simply drop out of college, find an apartment, move out from home, and work at McDonald's for the rest of my life or something. I honestly have checked out of college a long, long, long, long, LONG time ago. |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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maybe it will be better now when being alone.
_________________
Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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Mutanatia
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 370
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:35 pm Post subject: |
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I hope so  |
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sufi
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 16, 2007
Posts: 160
Location: mid-michigan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:50 pm Post subject: |
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Do IT -
Why not drop out and get your own place. A job that will pay the rent. Your only 20 you do not have to commit to any thing or anyone yet
I think if I had to do it over again at your age, if I felt I actually had a choice (I realize that now but not at the time - I was a good little greek girl) I probably not only would have dropped out but gone to NY to dance on broadway, or Bahamas to be an island girl or even just a Key West tour guide. Bumm around Europe or even just Quebec City) - Sign up for an archeological dig somewhere.
Hit the road on a motorcycle and live in a tent.
At seventeen I let my daughter drop out and she jusst drove around the country trading jewely she makes for gas and food. It is how she met her husband and now is 34 married with kids.
Learn to be a cook or waiter - you can get a job in any english speaking country ( or any other language you know).
You have choices - ie. note signature
_________________
If you have one option you have an obsession.
If you have two options you have a delema.
If you have three options you have a choice.
Look for three or more options.
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UndercoverAlien
to fast to alien
Joined: Aug 11, 2008
Posts: 1072
Location: please tell me
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 2:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I really don't want to be at home, and I really don't want to be at school
At home, all they see me doing when talking about my failures at school is "constant complaining," and they all walk away from me. They don't care that I'm in an inordinate amount of pain, mainly because I have to go back to school (A place I've coined as "The house of many regrets"). I clearly don't belong here, because every time I even THINK of talking about my problems, it becomes "here we go again."
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sounds so fermiliar to me but i dont talk about my feelings my familie arent the right persons for it not at all |
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Detren
Snowy Owl
Joined: Feb 08, 2008
Age: 29
Posts: 167
Location: in the connection between the ansibles
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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How much longer do you have left of school? Hang in there, as soon as you get out you can just ignore that you have a degree and work at Mc Donald's a while if you need a break. Get your own place, all that jazz. Take it easy and live one day at a time, but know that when you need it, your education will be there and help you move on up.
As for the relationship, I say concentrate on school, BUT don't close yourself completely off to meeting new people. Take it slow, but make just finishing your education your top priority. THEN take it easy. |
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Mutanatia
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 370
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 4:01 pm Post subject: |
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MY issue I have with meeting new people is:
Sure, they seem friendly, but 9/10 times, they are realy just using me.
I have one more semester left. I can do this, I know I can, but I'd rather not :-p |
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Bozewani
Deinonychus
Joined: Mar 04, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 317
Location: Somewhere in the Universe
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Finish the lousy semester, and you never see those people ever again! Remember most people you meet in college you will never see out of college anyway. |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Detren wrote: | How much longer do you have left of school? Hang in there, as soon as you get out you can just ignore that you have a degree and work at Mc Donald's a while if you need a break. Get your own place, all that jazz. Take it easy and live one day at a time, but know that when you need it, your education will be there and help you move on up.
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this is so much true. finish it, hide the diploma somewhere and then you can ride a motorcycle and live in tent. once you get tired of it, you are not a woman to get married and work for your husband. then you will be happy you have the diploma somewhere to 'move on up'.
just hang in there, take it one step at the time.
_________________
Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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LiendaBalla
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 24, 2007
Age: 30
Posts: 747
Location: Houston Texas United States
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 5:18 pm Post subject: Re: I don't want to be here (Not suicidal) (Meltdown writing |
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| Mutanatia wrote: | I really don't want to be at home, and I really don't want to be at school
At home, all they see me doing when talking about my failures at school is "constant complaining," and they all walk away from me. They don't care that I'm in an inordinate amount of pain, mainly because I have to go back to school (A place I've coined as "The house of many regrets"). I clearly don't belong here, because every time I even THINK of talking about my problems, it becomes "here we go again."
At school, all I run into are a-holes. I see people use and abuse me, and by the time I figure it out, it is too late. I get badly mistreated by people, starting from my first roomy, going to my last ex. That's not fair to me. |
I agree there. A person needs an emotional outlet and they aren't giving you one. 
_________________
Removing objects and material out of our mental perspective leaves only the thought of our souls.
Lienda Balla the EDIT QUEEN! |
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Mutanatia
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 02, 2008
Age: 21
Posts: 370
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| Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 8:09 pm Post subject: |
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It's just...I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place right now. It's like...the lesser of two evils is college, because that's my ticket out...but the thing is, why should I have to choose between "two evils?" I have a feeling I'm going to be doing a great deal of crying when I'm up at college. I'm going to put a countdown on my calendar for days left when I get back, and slowly watch the number go down, and be just slightly a bit happier than I am now, because I know I have x-1 days left in "hell" before I can get my own place and just breathe for a while.
That's what I want to be able to do, just...breathe. 
LiendaBella: It's not even so much that. It's that all of the people I run into, they're friendly, you hit it off real well with them during the first semester/month/year (in the case of my ex's) and then all of a sudden they begin to "hate" (in a metaphorical sense) you. Sure, I'm weird, sure I'm not one of "the boys." But that doesn't give you an excuse to suddenly be hostile and hurt me all of a sudden. Hell, I'd be happy if all throughout college, I had NO friends. If I just coexisted with people. But it's usually when I come out of my shell and try to be friendly with people that I get burned. And that's not fair to me. |
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