RE: "Wake me when you need me."

Pundit23 · Posted: Sat Aug 30, 2008 9:27 am Post subject:

Ever since being diagnosed with AS, I have been more conscious about how I act around other people, how much time I spend with my friends, and I have worked on how much I initiate get togethers with those rare friends. Although I am naturally more secure alone, I no longer find any satisfaction or fulfillment in a lonely life.

I met someone real nice in my carpool, and we would spend literally hours parked outside of her house talking and laughing and having a great time.

We rarely get a chance to talk during school, so I invited her to events outside of school -- public places of established mutual interest, because I know in opposite sex relationships there can often be an awkwardness about houses and et cet.

Every time she said she was busy, and I was giving up with frustration, so I asked her (as politely as possible) whether I was the only one interested in ever hanging out. She admitted she had been vaguely keeping me hanging, and that she was generally half hearted about social get togethers outside of her few close friends.

A few months past, and finally I got so fed up I asked how exactly could she make close friends without spending time with the newer friends she has.
...

Well, when I started by saying friends, I was really talking about the five-ish people that I've met and felt I could trust. They're all textbook "inappropriate friendships": either peers in lower grades or teachers.

I really felt something for this girl. I trusted her enough to tell her I had AS, and she made me feel amazing when she responded that she honestly didnt care: I was still me. That's so refreshing, because my parents have both turned like a lightswitch in the face of my diagnosis.

So... that earlier ellipses alluded to a loud AIM conversation that ended badly. My inept social skills and cues, and reciprocally troublesome interpretation of either, probably lost me a really good friend. She says she's thinking about what she's going to do that would be fair for both of us, but if she wasn't such a nice person who thought about fairness, she admitted that she would walk away and permanently avoid me without a second glance.

This is my senior year of highschool, in a small school where everyone knows everyone.
I'm pretty much friendless, carless, and my GPA is solidly fixed at 3.55.
This social failure was pushing me back towards my darker times, and I would be feeling suicidal right now, except that I'm kept up by the general inspiration and imprint she has had on my life.
I'll be stable, after a long while, because I learned alot about myself.
My purpose in life is to protect those I care about.
And I know that she is not the last person that will brighten my day, because her existence proves the fact that there are decent people in this world. (A previously novel concept to me.)
-- -- -- -- --

I feel like a monster as of late, crashing into everyone I care about:
the greatest support for my nixxing is that it would save at least 5 people trouble.

-- -- -- -- -- --
My question is,
what do I do to survive in a world where I won't have opportunities to make close friends? How do I shut off life till I have a chance or reason to try again?

Masterchief, for those who are familiar with the Halo franchise, locks himself in a cryogenic sleep after his purpose is fulfilled, and the world has abandoned him in the debris of the final battle. "Wake me when you need me," he says, and then sleeps until a better time.

But what do we have as a fulfilling escape?
I have been to many worlds, but they are all lonely.
Being alone is no longer an option I am willing to choose.