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ASDMOM
Hummingbird
Joined: Aug 30, 2008
Posts: 21
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 Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: Moved to Foreign Countries to run away from NT expectations |
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It wasn't until I joined this forum, yesterday, that I realized why I felt a frequent urge to move from one country to another to feel comfortable. When you are in a foreign society, people look at your "different" or "odd" behaviors as something acceptable because you are a "foreigner". They think that everyone in your country probably does it that way so they don't give you much grief about it. In social situations, I could comfortably stay in the margin when people spoke the local dialect that I did not know yet. At dinners/parties, I would day dream instead and just smile and nod and enjoy the good food. My family asked me if I felt lonely. But I never did. There was no need to spend tons of energy reading their social cues, facial expressions, etc... because people would spell it out to me since I was the foreigner. So I moved from country to country and loved it. Recently, I had to move back to the States and it made me feel so sad and alone. Wasn't sure why. I now understand being around NT people that have certain expectations of me is annoying and reminds me all the time how different I feel around them. Being around NTs that do not impose their social expectations on me so much is refreshing. I guess that is why I married someone from a different country, who by the way, turned out to be exactly just like me. (And thus he never dated anyone in his home country, LOL) Now that I have the "wrong planet" I feel I don't have to pack my bags again so soon.  |
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claire333
Huh?
Joined: Jun 20, 2008
Posts: 1893
Location: Lost in my own little world.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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On with the show...This is it. |
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lionesss
The Queen of not your typical kind of jungle
Joined: Aug 22, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 1013
Location: not anywhere near you
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 10:31 pm Post subject: |
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You will definitely feel at home here  And I hear what you are saying. I know of a guy that does not have any autism spectrum disorder but has paranoid personality disorder (not schizophrenia) and he moved from the US to India and feels so much at peace there. I may not have the same issue as him (though I do get paranoid often and that can be part of being under the spectrum too) but I can understand why he would feel more at peace living where he is living. You are in a foreign country where you are left alone and people won't be so quick to judge you.
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I was told that I have PDD-NOS and ADHD- in other words, mild AS with a history of speech delay. I personally think its best to say that I am just plain under the spectrum! |
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Loborojo
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2008
Age: 49
Posts: 931
Location: wherever I lay my head (now in Ecuador)
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:37 am Post subject: |
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though you may have to deal with staring which is very commonplace in India
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Last edited by Loborojo on Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:44 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Warsie
OG Balla Representin' Da Souf Sydeeee of Chi-City
Joined: Apr 04, 2008
Age: 17
Posts: 1634
Location: Chicago, IL, USA
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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hmm...maybe going to Germany (Berlin) for a trip is a good idea.... 
If I can afford it; lol Euro pwn dollar 
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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Jun 19, 2008
Posts: 1762
Location: US, midmap
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:10 am Post subject: |
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| Somebody's iris keeps changing colors. |
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Amik
Sea Gull
Joined: Feb 07, 2008
Posts: 224
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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I had the same experience when I moved abroad. Me being different from the majority was expected and accepted, because I was a foreigner. People didn't expect me to understand their culture and customs enough to follow them smoothly and they didn't expect me to understand their language well enough to pick up on subtle messages. They felt it was natural for me to be a bit awkward and different.
Things stopped being as easy after I had lived there for a couple of years. People who knew me started to feel like I had been there for long enough to pick up most of the local customs. That's one of the reasons why I didn't want to live there anymore. People's social expectations of me had become too high. |
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anna-banana
and yet it moves!
Joined: Aug 31, 2008
Age: 25
Posts: 1728
Location: Europe
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Amik wrote: | I had the same experience when I moved abroad. Me being different from the majority was expected and accepted, because I was a foreigner. People didn't expect me to understand their culture and customs enough to follow them smoothly and they didn't expect me to understand their language well enough to pick up on subtle messages. They felt it was natural for me to be a bit awkward and different.
Things stopped being as easy after I had lived there for a couple of years. People who knew me started to feel like I had been there for long enough to pick up most of the local customs. That's one of the reasons why I didn't want to live there anymore. People's social expectations of me had become too high. |
same here.
I grew up in a small town so when I moved to London I thought it was amazing- not only I was treated differently because of different nationality, I also loved the fact that all those people didn't give a sh** about me and didn't have this judgemental stare as back home. I loved the fact that for the first time in my life I could walk the streets with my head up and not looking at the pavement all the time.
still after a few years I had the same situation as you so I moved to Stockholm and then back home again.
I miss London terribly and go back there alot though, most of the people I knew have long moved out or lost touch. |
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lionesss
The Queen of not your typical kind of jungle
Joined: Aug 22, 2008
Age: 33
Posts: 1013
Location: not anywhere near you
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Loborojo wrote: | | though you may have to deal with staring which is very commonplace in India |
Thats true, I am surpised that man that I was talking about loves it there so much given his issues.
_________________
I was told that I have PDD-NOS and ADHD- in other words, mild AS with a history of speech delay. I personally think its best to say that I am just plain under the spectrum! |
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ASDMOM
Hummingbird
Joined: Aug 30, 2008
Posts: 21
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes, the magic wears off after a couple of years when people expect more from you. That is why I kept moving from country to country. My favorite place was Greece. *sight* |
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0_equals_true
Quack!
Joined: Apr 06, 2007
Age: 26
Posts: 5005
Location: London
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:02 pm Post subject: |
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| Having grown up living in different foriegn countries, it doesn't change things. |
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ShawnWilliam
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 27, 2008
Posts: 1462
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:07 pm Post subject: |
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| thats a great idea! way to go! |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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ASDMOM,
You've expressed something that I've noted in several other threads. That is, when an Aspie socializes with NT people from cultures other than his (or her) own, they find greater acceptance. Personally, this did not occur to me until after I found out about Asperger's Syndrome, which came after marrying a woman from a foreign country*. For over a decade, we had been attributing any "clash of issues" between us to cross-cultural values. Now we're so used to each other's 'quirks' that our isues are few and far between.
(*She's Asian, I'm Euro-American.)
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The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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EnglishLulu
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Apr 09, 2006
Posts: 187
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 7:30 pm Post subject: |
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I haven't moved to different countries specifically to run away from NT expectations.
But I'm British and I've lived for a few months in another European country, because I enjoyed learning French at high school and so when I got a chance to go there for a few months and brush up my language skills and do an internship, I jumped at it.
I'm not one of those Aspies who are averse to changes in routine, I've enjoyed travelling and going on vacation in general, which helps I guess.
I went travelling in the far east and accidentally found a job and settled there for a year and a half, getting engaged to a local (it didn't work out for other reasons).
I've had a couple of relationships back in the UK with people of different ethnicities and cultures.
And now I'm living and working in the Middle East.
I agree it sometimes helps to be living in a foreign country as an Aspie, because it doesn't matter whether or not you conform to societal conventions so much, people are much more forgiving of the mistakes a foreigner makes.
I've come to realise that by accident, because I never set out for it to be like this, just found an added benefit. |
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Liverbird
Using my evil powers for good!
Joined: Jun 14, 2007
Posts: 1108
Location: My heart belongs to Anfield
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:49 pm Post subject: |
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I had this experience after living in Asia several years. The social expectations of a different culture do not apply to you when you do not belong to that culture. No one expects you to be perfect or to use the exact right social norms. If you screw it up, they correct you gently and explain to you why you are wrong, and exactly how to do it the right way.
When's the last time someone in your own culture did that for you? Never! They expect you to just magically know.
I liked being a stranger in a strange land. I've never felt part of the world I was born into. Being in a different place was so much better! I loved teaching English to children and I loved going into their homes to learn about them. I'm sure they taught me much more than I ever taught them. The only thing that was ever hard was that the parents would always talk to me in the highest honorific because I was a teacher. I had to always remind them to talk to me like I was a baby so that I could understand them. That was hard for them. They were taught that teachers were the highest persons in society.
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I've got them in my garden now
And you're not welcome here" ---Poe
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