do i have aspergers or am i just a loser?

MickeyJones · Tufted Titmouse Joined: Aug 31, 2008 Posts: 32

i'm currently 20 years old and about to enter my last year in college. i currently have ZERO close friends, a few friends, but plenty of acquaintances. none of my friends are girls, and in fact, i've never dated

I've always been an awkward person ever since I was in about middle school.. for some reason I had a hard time making friends, and when I did have friends, I had an even worse time keeping friends. ironically, before middle school, i had plenty of friends and was well-liked. i dont know what the **** happened but all of a sudden some of my friends gradually became my enemies and picked on me and got new kids to pick on me

I've had problems starting conversations with people and just dealing with my shyness. in high school, i ended up with NO friends going to my college. i made few friends in general, none of whom were close. i was picked on and humiliated constantly, MOSTLY by HONOR students.

I don't tell anyone about it, as I've always thought of myself as relatively normal, since at least thats how i was when i was young. but over the years, things have just been getting worse.

in additino to my shyness, there are other things taht make me think I may have aspergers

towards the end of high school, i was almost completely obssessed with Magic the Gathering. like, i would spend at least a few hours per day reading up on card strategies and even researching cards that no one used. at tournaments, i would always be the first one to know the exact stats of each card. i could not concentrate on school or anything else. even during classes, sometimes i would make "decklists" about the cards from that game

in addition, during this age of playing MTG, i thought i had finally made some high school friends. turns out, they were just ****ing using me. i had slight suspicions that they were doing so, but i didnt realize it until one of the bullies actually mentioned how one of the other bullies was definitely using me. so i ditched those ***holes, and havent found a group of friends since.

in fact, i spent my sophomore year in college as a complete recluse and focused almost 24/7 on academics and self-studying for pleasure. i convinced myself that it was pointless to make friends and to hate people for their idioacy and that i was smarter than everyone else. i LITERALLY did nothing but focus on academics and reading. other than that, i spent the rest of my times at home with my parents. i saw NO friends

i then decided junior year that people skills are important in the real world and tried to be social again. at first, i was very painfully shy and eventually increased my socializing to the extent that im just very shy now, not painfully shy. i'm still a total loner. in fact, i spent the entire last year joining like 5 different clubs/organizations, but since i've been asocial for so long, i felt so different from everyone else and couldnt find my "niche" despite how hard and desperately i tried.

also, i have NO way of telling if a girl likes me or not. for example, there was this one girl i met in one of those clubs that may have liked me, but i didnt think about it until a few MONTHS later. one time, when we tutored some students, she touched my fingers. also, when we walked by on college campus a few times, i noticed each time she smiled and her face MAY have been a little redish, indicating blushing? also, the couple times we met in the club, she tried to initiate conversations and smile and be friendly towards with me, but me being the retard, i thought nothign of them.
i've had suicidal thoughts for quite awhile, in fact ever since middle school until now, with the only break during my MTG period, where I thought i finally had friends

im currently a electrical engineering major. i've always had narrow interests in math and science subjects. despite being in the math and science honors classes, i was in reading development class in high school

so to summarize, Some of the interests I got obsessed with over the years:
From age 10 to 15: sports

15 to 19: magic the gathering

19 to 20: math, science, reading

20 to present: math, science, reading, but not as excessively as before, though still excessive by normal standards. i "try" to be more normal, to no avail

on a couple websites that feature quizzes if you have aspergers, i scored in the "highly autistic" range both times. im beginng to think its true. ive never been diagnosed with it, even though i've seen plenty of psychological therapists.