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tacit
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:46 am Post subject: Searching for answers - my husband has aspergers |
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Hi,
My husband was diagnosed with aspergers approx. 6 mths ago and while we are understanding more about how he sees yellow and I see blue, we keep getting stumped when it comes to applying this knowledge & aren't reducing the triggers from occuring....for both of us. Is it possible for us to meet somewhere in the middle and see green??? If so, where do we start?
I would really appreciate any feedback from anyone who has an AS hubby or is an AS hubby, and who have been able to overcome or manage this problem.
Cheers |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: |
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Hi,
I 'lucked out' in the way I overcame this situation; I married an asian woman before I knew I had Asperger's (I'm Euro-American). We've been excusing our 'blue/yellow' differences as cultural clashes, rather than relational issues, for so long that we've worked out most of the difficulties without being discouraged by a mere diagnostic label.
Your hubby will take things literally, so (for example) if you want him to take out the trash, ask him to instead of mentioning that the trash bin is getting full. He will not pick up on subtle clues, so tell him what's bothering you, instead of expecting him to simply know. And if he asks "How many people were there?" give him a number, instead of a roll call.
Think 'Mister Spock' instead of 'Doctor Phil'.
I hope this helps. Best wishes!
_________________
The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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tomamil
What the #$*!?
Joined: May 14, 2007
Posts: 1357
Location: currently Paris, France, but originally Asteroid B612
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:32 am Post subject: |
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i dont understand why you need to be making the green. cannot you both just keep your colours?
_________________
Timeo hominem unius libri, I fear the man of one book, St. Thomas Aquinas. |
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tacit
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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Fnord.......you are a legend!
The idea of sorting out a cultural difference instead of revealing inadequacies (huge stressor for hubby) is priceless.
Think 'Mister Spoke'......I love it! You have packaged it in a simple way that I can understand and apply.
Thank you so much for taking the time to respond.
Cheers! |
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tacit
Emu Egg
Joined: Sep 01, 2008
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 2:50 am Post subject: |
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Hi tomamil,
We will always be yellow & blue.....we're just trying to find the best way to work together instead of bouncing off each other.
Cheers. |
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Fnord
Metasyntactic Variable
Joined: May 07, 2008
Posts: 3658
Location: Pantopia
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| Posted: Mon Sep 01, 2008 11:01 am Post subject: |
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| tacit wrote: | | Fnord.......you are a legend! |
Fnord ... the Man ... the Myth ... the Legend. I like that!
| tacit wrote: | | The idea of sorting out a cultural difference instead of revealing inadequacies (huge stressor for hubby) is priceless. |
An Aspie/Non-Aspie relationship justifies the "Man from Mars / Woman from Venus" cross-cultural model.
| tacit wrote: | | Think 'Mister Spoke'......I love it! |
That's "Spock" not "Spoke" 
| tacit wrote: | | You have packaged it in a simple way that I can understand and apply. |
That's my job, ma'am ... that's what I do.
| tacit wrote: | | Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. |
You are welcome so much for taking the risk to ask.
Salut!
_________________
The leaders of the American automobile industry have been amazingly consistent in their management philosophy, in that they have never missed an opportunity to miss an opportunity. |
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Igor
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 12, 2008
Posts: 69
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 7:11 am Post subject: |
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Aspie husband here.
The biggest challenges for me, which tend to get me stressed and meltdown, are:
Social events. Don't force social events on an Aspie. These can be hell. Over the years I have reached the point where I can cope in a lot of social situations, but I must be left alone in my own world. If I feel I can join in I will, but otherwise I can't be made to do things. Parties where everyone has to join in are no-go - if people start trying to make me play party games, dance etc I will now just walk out. Small is beautiful - I am much better at small events such as a meal with a couple of other people I know well, than a huge gathering.
Unclear comments. I don't understand statements with underlying non-specific ideas or requests. For example, "The lunch needs making" could be a statement of fact, or "I'm going to make lunch in a second" or "You need to make lunch". I just can never tell what I'm being told or asked if it's ambiguous or has subtle gestures or tones.
Sensory overload. This is difficult with kids as I can't stand multiple sensory inputs - the car + family is the worst place. I also don't like being touched a lot of the time - this makes me seem cold and unloving, but it's just me.
Sudden unexpected changes of plan. If something is organised and going to plan then its fine, but even little changes can drive me mental.
Lack of punctuality. I have to be on time for things and with me that means being quite early, because I need the time to calm myself, get organised etc, especially if it's somewhere I haven't been before or with people I haven't met before.
Redirection. If I've gone through the whole process of getting something started through my own volition, I cannot stand being redirected. To me that says you're not doing it right or someone else's way is better or "despite the fact it's taken you an age to overcome your fears, I'm going to make you do it another way".
A recent example of this is that one of my kids is now going to school on the way to my work. I decided the route, where I would park, how they would walk to the school, and as soon as I'd organised it my wife goes "well, don't you think it would be easier dropping them here?". Maybe it was easier in that it took me less off the direct route to work, but it meant stopping in heavy traffic with the potential of people getting annoyed and me getting stressed at the situation.
Being disturbed. When I'm deeply into something I cannot stand being dragged away to talk about things, as I'm very focussed on what I'm doing. This might be if I'm involved in a hobby, house maintenance or even just watching a favourite TV show. |
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BazzaMcKenzie
Wild colonial man
Joined: Aug 22, 2006
Posts: 3702
Location: the Antipodes
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| Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 4:39 am Post subject: |
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G'day tacit ans welcome to WP.
First off, I know I have a lot of AS traits, but don't know if I would be dx'd as AS (but I think the criteria is fuzzy and therefore crap from a logical viewpoint, which I suppose is an AS trait in itself)
| Igor wrote: | - Social events. .....
- Unclear comments. I don't understand statements with underlying non-specific ideas or requests....
- Sensory overload. This is difficult with kids as I can't stand multiple sensory inputs .....
- Sudden unexpected changes of plan. If something is organised and going to plan then its fine, but even little changes can drive me mental.
- Lack of punctuality.
- Redirection. If I've gone through the whole process of getting something started through my own volition, I cannot stand being redirected. ....
- Being disturbed. When I'm deeply into something I cannot stand being dragged away to talk about things, ...
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- no so much for me. So long as I have someone there I feel I can be with. I can go to school functions and do a quick "meet and greet" with other parents, so long as I can mingle. If I "hit and run" or keep a "moving target" I am ok with things like that.
- yes
- yes, yes, yes
- yes
- no. Its usually me who is not punctual
- yes
- yes - definitely
Anything in particular causing you friction?
_________________
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in.
Strewth!
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4Five9
Emu Egg
Joined: May 14, 2008
Posts: 6
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| Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 9:57 am Post subject: |
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Hi there,
I was told to read this post by my husband (this is his login), he said it would make me laugh and he was not wrong! You and your hubby and me and mine are in an almost identical situation (minus the kids). Hubby has also just recently been diagnosed as Asperger's (last October I think it was). We knew there was 'something up' for a long time. He's known since he was a child and had been diagnosed all sorts of things over the years. The Asperger's diagnosis, which came right of the blue might I add, was actually a huge relief (for him and me). It gave us something to work on at the very least.
Anyway, before I give you our life stories...... you did ask for a little help....
What the fellow above me said was perfectly right (in my experience at least), don't beat around the bush, come straight to the point. I laughed because after he said to read this post, I said 'go make me a coffee then and I'll go read it'. What normally would happen is, I'd say 'I could do with a cuppa' and end up making it myself. Silly example I know but still.
Something I have noticed since he was diagnosed, is that I am far more patient with him these days. In the past he would drive me round the bend and to be honest frustrate the hell out of me, which would lead to an awfully stressful atmosphere that wouldn't shift for literally hours. These days, with me having more patience and a much better understanding of the situation and him taking things less seriously and a little more lightly, any misunderstandings (and boy there are many!), are overcome much quicker.
Another thing, which I am going to regret typing because my hubby will end up reading this is ..... Change the subject quickly if the conversation is going to go downhill in any way. I will come out with any old random nonsense to throw him off track and focus somewhere else for a minute. Another one, point to your lips and say 'gimme a kiss'. That one throws him too :p. Use your imgination on this one, because I'm not gonna give my other secrets away, better I have the upper hand than my hubby!
Anyway, I'm sure there's a bunch of other stuff I do these days without thinking, but I don't want to babble for ages. Also, I'm quite jealous of your hubby and his timekeeping thing, mine's the complete oppposite and it drives me potty!
Good luck to you m'dear and I'm sure over time things will fall into place nicely. I don't kid myself that everything will be perfect, but with a little patience and a wry smile, least it's a little more bearable!
Regards to you and your hubby  |
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Vanilla_Slice
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Oct 04, 2008
Age: 50
Posts: 27
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| Posted: Mon Oct 06, 2008 5:11 pm Post subject: |
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Well, I was going to post this really long and detailed reply but Igor beat me to it and he's got most of the issues nailed down. Just remember that most of us HATE social occassions because of the environment and we do tend to take things literally. The only thing I would add is that sometimes it helps if you work out a set of signals between you. That way if your other half does something that's a little outside the social norm you can tell him to stop without letting anyone else know what's going on.
VS |
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zekmoe
Butterfly
Joined: Mar 29, 2008
Age: 44
Posts: 12
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| Posted: Wed Oct 08, 2008 3:52 pm Post subject: |
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| Igor wrote: | Aspie husband here.
The biggest challenges for me, which tend to get me stressed and meltdown, are:
Social events. Don't force social events on an Aspie. These can be hell. Over the years I have reached the point where I can cope in a lot of social situations, but I must be left alone in my own world. If I feel I can join in I will, but otherwise I can't be made to do things. Parties where everyone has to join in are no-go - if people start trying to make me play party games, dance etc I will now just walk out. Small is beautiful - I am much better at small events such as a meal with a couple of other people I know well, than a huge gathering.
Unclear comments. I don't understand statements with underlying non-specific ideas or requests. For example, "The lunch needs making" could be a statement of fact, or "I'm going to make lunch in a second" or "You need to make lunch". I just can never tell what I'm being told or asked if it's ambiguous or has subtle gestures or tones.
Sensory overload. This is difficult with kids as I can't stand multiple sensory inputs - the car + family is the worst place. I also don't like being touched a lot of the time - this makes me seem cold and unloving, but it's just me.
Sudden unexpected changes of plan. If something is organised and going to plan then its fine, but even little changes can drive me mental.
Lack of punctuality. I have to be on time for things and with me that means being quite early, because I need the time to calm myself, get organised etc, especially if it's somewhere I haven't been before or with people I haven't met before.
Redirection. If I've gone through the whole process of getting something started through my own volition, I cannot stand being redirected. To me that says you're not doing it right or someone else's way is better or "despite the fact it's taken you an age to overcome your fears, I'm going to make you do it another way".
A recent example of this is that one of my kids is now going to school on the way to my work. I decided the route, where I would park, how they would walk to the school, and as soon as I'd organised it my wife goes "well, don't you think it would be easier dropping them here?". Maybe it was easier in that it took me less off the direct route to work, but it meant stopping in heavy traffic with the potential of people getting annoyed and me getting stressed at the situation.
Being disturbed. When I'm deeply into something I cannot stand being dragged away to talk about things, as I'm very focussed on what I'm doing. This might be if I'm involved in a hobby, house maintenance or even just watching a favourite TV show. |
This is the single greatest post I've read in my entire life. This describes me exactly, and is as if I wrote it myself. Wonderous.
_________________
Bob
Not a downstroke, fistpicker. |
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Scotty1
Hummingbird
Joined: Jun 28, 2008
Age: 40
Posts: 19
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| Posted: Sun Oct 12, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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Really excellent thread. A spouses survival guide.
Be direct, literal, and don't expect that he is listening to you if he is involved with something. You will have to get his attention first. |
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bobert
Deinonychus
Joined: May 19, 2007
Posts: 304
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| Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| Igor, I totally agree with, Zekmoe, your post describes me to a "t". Thanks! |
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traveller011212
Velociraptor
Joined: May 27, 2008
Age: 28
Posts: 476
Location: Right here!!
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| Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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I have been diagnosed for about 15 mo. now and have had some great councelling. My wife has been great with helping me get through this also. I would say that the things you want to change are probably not going to be the things that change. There is a lot going on in his head.
I of course recommend you getting for him to read some of the books by John Gottman (make sure you get the ones for laymen and not clinicians). There is a book called "the seven steps to a successful marriage" or something like that. It talks about emotional bids and it really helped me connect with my wife in a deeper way, and helped me see things more from her side. It sounds odd, but seeing the mechanics spelled out like that really helped me.
There are several books out by Gottman, I believe that there are one with 5, 7 and 9 in the titles and I am not remembering which it is that holds those chapters. |
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Timberwolf
Blue Jay
Joined: Aug 12, 2007
Age: 48
Posts: 82
Location: Berkshire, UK
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| Posted: Fri Oct 31, 2008 2:45 pm Post subject: |
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| zekmoe wrote: | | Igor wrote: | Aspie husband here.
The biggest challenges for me, which tend to get me stressed and meltdown, are:
Social events. Don't force social events on an Aspie. These can be hell. Over the years I have reached the point where I can cope in a lot of social situations, but I must be left alone in my own world. If I feel I can join in I will, but otherwise I can't be made to do things. Parties where everyone has to join in are no-go - if people start trying to make me play party games, dance etc I will now just walk out. Small is beautiful - I am much better at small events such as a meal with a couple of other people I know well, than a huge gathering.
Unclear comments. I don't understand statements with underlying non-specific ideas or requests. For example, "The lunch needs making" could be a statement of fact, or "I'm going to make lunch in a second" or "You need to make lunch". I just can never tell what I'm being told or asked if it's ambiguous or has subtle gestures or tones.
Sensory overload. This is difficult with kids as I can't stand multiple sensory inputs - the car + family is the worst place. I also don't like being touched a lot of the time - this makes me seem cold and unloving, but it's just me.
Sudden unexpected changes of plan. If something is organised and going to plan then its fine, but even little changes can drive me mental.
Lack of punctuality. I have to be on time for things and with me that means being quite early, because I need the time to calm myself, get organised etc, especially if it's somewhere I haven't been before or with people I haven't met before.
Redirection. If I've gone through the whole process of getting something started through my own volition, I cannot stand being redirected. To me that says you're not doing it right or someone else's way is better or "despite the fact it's taken you an age to overcome your fears, I'm going to make you do it another way".
A recent example of this is that one of my kids is now going to school on the way to my work. I decided the route, where I would park, how they would walk to the school, and as soon as I'd organised it my wife goes "well, don't you think it would be easier dropping them here?". Maybe it was easier in that it took me less off the direct route to work, but it meant stopping in heavy traffic with the potential of people getting annoyed and me getting stressed at the situation.
Being disturbed. When I'm deeply into something I cannot stand being dragged away to talk about things, as I'm very focussed on what I'm doing. This might be if I'm involved in a hobby, house maintenance or even just watching a favourite TV show. |
This is the single greatest post I've read in my entire life. This describes me exactly, and is as if I wrote it myself. Wonderous. |
It's pretty close to me too. Although now my kids are gone and my marriage ended I think I'd rather do without a relationship as they require too much work and I find I like being on my own more and more. |
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